How to be a shy pope

We have already seen several pieces on "How to be a good pope", designed especially for those readers who may one day be slapped in the face and told "Hey, you've been elected pope! Come on, sober up, get this white coat on, and step out onto the balcony!"

But you may say, "I am too shy to be pope." There are certainly precedents for this.

The problems of a shy pope.

One very notable shy pope was John-Paul I, who refused to do anything that might draw attention to himself. No interfering with forms of worship, no heretical encyclicals, not even a spot of idol-worship. Indeed, he was so shy that he decided that the best thing to do was to die quickly.

Now we don't recommend this route. Let's say that you are elected at the age of 76 (if you are from the Philippines and good at liturgical dancing you may make it sooner), so you probably have about 20 years more to get through. You may, if very shy, retire early and spend your declining years in prayer and beer-drinking, but let's suppose you have at least 10 years of active popery.

One way to deal with shyness, but don't do it too often.

No banging on the table, then! Although you may shyly slap the occasional pilgrim. But that doesn't mean you can't, shyly, make changes of your own. For example, say that you want to forbid the Lord's Prayer, as being something that irritates you. Explain timidly that it is divisive - schismatic, if you like - and certainly against the Spirit of Vatican II. Leave it to the bishops to prevent use of the Lord's Prayer: then the faithful will blame THEM and not YOU. Oh, but I forgot - do praise that predecessor of yours who first allowed use of the Lord's Prayer - probably, St Peter in this case - but explain that it was time to "review" its use.

To take another example. Suppose that you have a passion for the Mexican God Huitzilopochtli, the recipient of many human sacrifices from the Aztecs. Then you can be photographed absent-mindedly attending such a human sacrifice (perhaps as part of a synod): by now some stooge will have written a biography of you, Fred - the shy pope, and he can be relied upon to explain to the faithful that the Huitzilopochtli statues actually represent a Catholic saint - let's say, St Joseph - and that the tearaway Austrian who threw some into the Tiber was definitely a fascist.

"He's very shy you know. Too humble to complain about this."

One final example. It is part of the job description for a pope that he should churn out the odd encyclical or apostolic exhortation. You may not be very good at this, and will no doubt include the odd dozen errors - heresies, that sort of thing. Some cheeky cardinals are likely to notice and send you Dubia (a Latin word meaning "Are you crazy?") It would be very embarrassing for a shy pope to get into a theological debate, but all you have to do is ignore them. Again your closest pals will explain how wicked the cheeky cardinals are... not proper Catholics you know... responsible for climate change... not sympathetic to Fr Martin James your LGBT friend... Meanwhile, you sit shyly in the corner reading a novel.

1963 and all that (part 1)

With apologies to W. C. Sellar and R. J. Yeatman.

Pope Paul VI, a blessed pope.

A blessed pope.

After summoning the 2nd Vatican Conflict in order to decide whether the Church should be modern or not, Good Pope John found that he was enjoying it so much that he dropped dead (and 51 years later he went to Heaven). The cardigans got together and picked on Cardigan Montini, who changed his name to Pope Paul VI and carried on the Vatican Conflict, after removing all the wounded. In the end, the Conflict ended with lots of new decisions, which were instantly blamed on the Holy Spirit, viz.:

1. All Catholics must stop talking Latin and learn a new language called Vernacular.
2. All priests who faced east must turn round and face west. However, the common people were not allowed to face west.
3. All altars were moved from the end of the church into the middle, so that the priests could hide behind them.
4. Kneeling was forbidden in church, as it was not considered cool.
5. The common people were no longer to obey orders given to them by priests.
6. The Age of Aquarius had dawned and a new Spirit of Vatican II was abroad.
7. Sex and drugs and rock and roll were still sins, but not as bad as they used to be. Indeed there was to be a new prophet of rock and roll, called St Cliff Richard.

After the 2nd Vatican Conflict, all Catholics were naturally very happy, and so they stopped going to church (see Rule 5).

Catholics being very happy.

Another thing that happened in the reign of Pope Paul was that he wrote an encyclopaedia, called Humorus Vitae, or Isn't life funny? In it he explained that Catholics should not use contradiction to avoid having babies. Since many married couples spend most of the time contradicting each other, this was not very popular.

Pope Paul was so shocked by the reception of Humorus Vitae that for the next ten years he became very serious, and did nothing memorable at all. Finally, he was persuaded to die so that someone else could have a go.

Pope John-Paul I, a smiling pope.

Not really memorable.

After Blessed but rather Serious Pope Paul, the cardigans decided that they needed a smiling pope. After a smiling competition, they told Albino Luciani to take over, but only for a month, because he was not really memorable. The new pope chose the name John-Paul-George-Ringo, after a famous pope group called the Beatitudes, but this was soon shortened to John-Paul. Then one day Pope John-Paul decided to stop smiling, and died suddenly.

Pope John-Paul II, a saintly pope.

A shaved person.

When Pope John-Paul I died, the cardigans got together and decided to elect a young pope, so that he probably wouldn't die too quickly. Although the rules of the game said that popes had to be Italian, there weren't any young Italian cardigans left, so they chose a Polish pope, Karol Józef Wojtyła. He started off as a young pope, but then surprised people by becoming an old pope. The new pope was not expecting to be elected, because he wasn't Italian; indeed, he was so shocked that he could not think of a new pope-name, so he became Pope John-Paul II.

A cardigan greets the new pope.

Questions on the period 1963 to 1978. Candidates should sing their answers to a melody by Paul Inwood.

1. Explain why the 2nd Vatican Conflict encouraged the use of (a) clown masses, (b) puppet masses, and (c) dancing priests.
2. Write down all you know about (a) Annibale Bugsbunni; (b) the heresies of Basil Foltus; (c) Archbishop Marcel Leftover.
3. Compare and contrast (a) St Cliff Richard; (b) the Beatitudes; (c) The (cardigan) Whom.
4. Think of three memorable things that Pope John-Paul I could have done in order to live longer.
5. Translate into Vernacular: (a) Wojtyła; (b) Humorus Vitae; (c) Kumbaya.

To be continued.

The prophecies of St Malarkey

The 16th century (or possibly 12th century) prophecies of St Malarkey are attracting great interest at present, as they seem to make predictions about the next Pope to be elected, suggesting that he will be the last.

St Malarkey.

Certainly, St Malarkey has had a sensational track record of identifying the popes elected in the last few hundred years. Here are some examples of his brilliant predictions.

"Man with glasses" - an unerring identification of Pope John-Paul I.

In 1978, the College of Cardinals must have had St Malarkey's prophecies in mind when they unfailingly elected a man with glasses as the new pope (John-Paul I), in succession to Pope Paul VI.

"Goldfinger" - well, nearly right, it was a goldfinch on a finger.

Likewise, after Pope Pius XII's election in 1939, the mysteriously prophetic word "Goldfinger" was seen to be right on target, for the Holy Father successfully balanced a goldfinch on his finger.

More recently, St Malarkey's prediction of Pope Benedict XVI's election was couched in the word "Koala," which led many to think that Cardinal Pell would be elected. But the good saint had seen further than everyone else, and he knew that the scene below would surely come to pass.

Pope Benedict XVI - fated to meet a koala.

Some of St Malarkey's predictions referred to popes who are now almost forgotten. His enigmatic phrase "short fat hairy legs," for example, led the college of cardinals into a frantic examination of the legs of all those cardinals who were papabile, before they finally elected Pope Ernie the Wise.

"Short fat hairy legs" - Pope Ernie the Wise (R), with an unknown nun.

So what does St Malarkey have to say about the next pope, who will be elected within the next month or so? Simply the word "Comic." Well, our experts have looked around to see who could be meant, and below we reveal the saint's final tip for the throne of St Peter.

"Comic" Murphy-O'Connor (R), with shifty-looking sidekick.

If this election comes to pass, then the end of the world will surely be near at hand.