1963 and all that (part 1)

With apologies to W. C. Sellar and R. J. Yeatman.

Pope Paul VI, a blessed pope.

A blessed pope.

After summoning the 2nd Vatican Conflict in order to decide whether the Church should be modern or not, Good Pope John found that he was enjoying it so much that he dropped dead (and 51 years later he went to Heaven). The cardigans got together and picked on Cardigan Montini, who changed his name to Pope Paul VI and carried on the Vatican Conflict, after removing all the wounded. In the end, the Conflict ended with lots of new decisions, which were instantly blamed on the Holy Spirit, viz.:

1. All Catholics must stop talking Latin and learn a new language called Vernacular.
2. All priests who faced east must turn round and face west. However, the common people were not allowed to face west.
3. All altars were moved from the end of the church into the middle, so that the priests could hide behind them.
4. Kneeling was forbidden in church, as it was not considered cool.
5. The common people were no longer to obey orders given to them by priests.
6. The Age of Aquarius had dawned and a new Spirit of Vatican II was abroad.
7. Sex and drugs and rock and roll were still sins, but not as bad as they used to be. Indeed there was to be a new prophet of rock and roll, called St Cliff Richard.

After the 2nd Vatican Conflict, all Catholics were naturally very happy, and so they stopped going to church (see Rule 5).

Catholics being very happy.

Another thing that happened in the reign of Pope Paul was that he wrote an encyclopaedia, called Humorus Vitae, or Isn't life funny? In it he explained that Catholics should not use contradiction to avoid having babies. Since many married couples spend most of the time contradicting each other, this was not very popular.

Pope Paul was so shocked by the reception of Humorus Vitae that for the next ten years he became very serious, and did nothing memorable at all. Finally, he was persuaded to die so that someone else could have a go.

Pope John-Paul I, a smiling pope.

Not really memorable.

After Blessed but rather Serious Pope Paul, the cardigans decided that they needed a smiling pope. After a smiling competition, they told Albino Luciani to take over, but only for a month, because he was not really memorable. The new pope chose the name John-Paul-George-Ringo, after a famous pope group called the Beatitudes, but this was soon shortened to John-Paul. Then one day Pope John-Paul decided to stop smiling, and died suddenly.

Pope John-Paul II, a saintly pope.

A shaved person.

When Pope John-Paul I died, the cardigans got together and decided to elect a young pope, so that he probably wouldn't die too quickly. Although the rules of the game said that popes had to be Italian, there weren't any young Italian cardigans left, so they chose a Polish pope, Karol Józef Wojtyła. He started off as a young pope, but then surprised people by becoming an old pope. The new pope was not expecting to be elected, because he wasn't Italian; indeed, he was so shocked that he could not think of a new pope-name, so he became Pope John-Paul II.

A cardigan greets the new pope.

Questions on the period 1963 to 1978. Candidates should sing their answers to a melody by Paul Inwood.

1. Explain why the 2nd Vatican Conflict encouraged the use of (a) clown masses, (b) puppet masses, and (c) dancing priests.
2. Write down all you know about (a) Annibale Bugsbunni; (b) the heresies of Basil Foltus; (c) Archbishop Marcel Leftover.
3. Compare and contrast (a) St Cliff Richard; (b) the Beatitudes; (c) The (cardigan) Whom.
4. Think of three memorable things that Pope John-Paul I could have done in order to live longer.
5. Translate into Vernacular: (a) Wojtyła; (b) Humorus Vitae; (c) Kumbaya.

To be continued.