Jupich Iscariot condemns statement from the other 11 disciples

Jerusalem Times, Good Friday, AD 33.

Cardinal Jupich Iscariot, winner of the World Cup of Bad Apostles, today condemned a statement from the other eleven disciples, which had been issued from a secret address ("The upper room") to mark the crucifixion of Our Lord Jesus Christ. Jupich described the statement as ill-considered and felt that its critical attack on Governor Joe Pilaten was inappropriate. Unfavourable comments about the habits of Joe's pet camel, A, were also considered offensive.

Cardinal Iscariot puts on his "angry" face.

The statement from the disciples had been a simple affirmation of Christian doctrine, but this is considered dangerous in today's political climate, and is likely to get many people into trouble with the authorities.

Governor Joe Pilaten is not amused either.

Joe Pilaten himself is generally regarded as a harmless buffoon with an obsession for washing his hands, although the Disciples' statement is very critical of his fondness for taking innocent life (completing a task that his mentor Barack Heroda failed to finish many years ago).

Naturally Jupich, given the choice between affirming Christian doctrine and pleasing the governing authorities in the United States of Judaea, will drop his religious principles every time. Indeed, there are already reports that he is involved in a scandal known as Thirtypiecesofsilvergate. Still, since he is a powerful cardinal, his words will always be heeded, however crass they may be.

Sir Michael versus St Michael

Sir Michael Palin, by and large a very funny comedian and all round nice guy (yes, I've even met him), has objected to the medal that goes with the Most Distinguished Order of St Michael and St George, as he finds it offensive to see St Michael stamping on the head of Satan. (The medal was redesigned a few years ago to make Satan white rather than black, because everyone knows that Jesus is black but Satan is white. Ask Justin Welby.)

The earlier form of the medal.

"It would be much nicer to see St Michael shaking hands with Satan, perhaps even offering him a cup of tea," explained the great man. "As a veteran of Monty Python, Ripping Yarns, etc., I have made it my lifetime's work not to offend people. Rudeness, blasphemy, naughtiness - they were always right out!"

A tasteful inoffensive scene from The Life of Brian.

"As a celebrity, it is my duty these days to stand up for religion," continued St Sir Michael. "Now that Christianity has more-or-less disappeared - at least in the circles I mix in - we have to remember the great Commandment that Black Lives Matter and White Lives don't. In point of fact, I don't wear my medal in public, only in the bath, and no one ever sees it. But if they did see it... well, nobody expects the BLMish Inquisition!"

As seen in Sir Michael's Ripping Yarns, and not likely to offend anyone.

We tried to contact St Michael about his scandalous habit of stamping on the head of the Devil, but we were unsuccessful (as Piers Morgan put it, "Just because he's an Archangel, he thinks he's too grand to come on my rotten television programme"). Likewise, our attempts to contact Pope Francis in order to get the saint de-canonized were unsuccessful - apparently he has a backlog of rigid traddy saints that he has to sack first. Too bad.

Enough of this filth!

The BBC Murders

This Christmas has seen a television "adaptation" of an Agatha Christie novel, the ABC Murders, by one Sarah Phelps. Some would say that Sarah was an unlikely person to make the adaptation as she had never previously heard of Agatha Christie, and was very unsure who Hercule Poirot was ("He's the aristocratic one with the monocle, isn't he?"). Nonetheless, it doesn't really matter because she decided to rewrite the whole story, making it fit better with 2018 BBC values of political correctness, anti-Brexit, secularism, etc.

In this version Hercule Poirot's back-story has changed slightly, and he is an African cardinal with fairly traditional beliefs.

Hercule Poirot, with trademark deerstalker.

Poirot is summoned to investigate a series of deaths. The first is the German cardinal, His Eminence Joachim Meisner. Allegedly he was vacationing in Bad Füssing in Bavaria. Since he was an Archbishop, Poirot realises instantly that this begins with A, and is the first of a chain of murders.

But what could the connection be with the second victim, Carlo Caffarra? Allegedly, he had suffered a long illness, but could the arsenic and cyanide found in his coffee, along with the rope round his neck, the dagger in his back, the bullet-holes in his chest and the marks of lead piping on his crushed skull lead to suspicions of foul play?

Poirot evidently thought so, and making the usual references to "my little green cells" and "the game is afoot, Watson!" (Sarah Phelps really knows how to get "inside" a character), he saw that Caffarra was from Bologna - "that means 'B', old Parker-bird!") and that this must be the second in the chain.

Could this be the next victim? C for Cardinal...

Now, it was entirely a red herring that Meisner and Caffarra were authors of the "Dubia" submitted to Pope Francis. Although Inspector Maigret wanted to give police protection to the remaining authors, Burke and Brandmüller, our hero, Poirot, saw further, and realised that the next victim would probably be called Viganò, because there was no connection with C at all!

Further....

I'm sorry, I seem to have got the wrong end of the stick here. The ABC murders actually refer to St Thomas Becket, ArchBishop of Canterbury, and Hercule Poirot is looking for four knights. It is believed that one may be Michael Palin.

Nobody expects Sir Michael Palin!

What was the quality of the service you received?

Thank you for attending divine worship this weekend. Please take the time to fill in the following ecumenical questionnaire, as we are constantly trying to improve the quality of our services.

1. What was the first thing you noticed on arriving at your place of worship?

a) A man high up in the tower shouting "Allahu Akbar!"
b) The jolly ringing of church bells, intermingled with the screams 
of someone who had caught his foot in the bellrope.
c) Hooting and swearing from drivers trying to park their cars.
d) A solemn silence.
e) An axe flying past your head and a cry of "Odin is great!"

"Welcome to our humble service of worship. I'm the vicar."

2. Did you have difficult finding a seat?

a) No, as there were only three people present.
b) Yes, but I kicked out old Granny Bannister, and took her place.
c) We do not sit in our church, but meditate while standing on our 
heads.
d) No, but a bouncer removed me, hissing "Get out of the bishop's 
cathedra!"
e) No, because I was part of the clown procession, and had a reserved 
bath of custard to lie in.

The liturgical significance of custard has been under-estimated.

3. Which (if any) of the following sacred beings were mentioned during the sermon?

a) Pope Francis.
b) Fr James Martin SJ.
c) Lord Oates, the Quaker Maximus.
d) The crocodile god.
e) Rowan Williams.
f) Donald Trump.
g) The Duchess of Cambridge.

"I take as my text the 2000th tweet of St James to the Twitteratians"

4. The sign of peace. What do you do?

a) We don't have it, although we are allowed to smile at our neighbours
if we don't get too excited.
b) As little as possible, but usually one or two people catch me.
c) I embrace as many as I can, and later go round to the houses of 
all the people I missed.
d) I grab my neighbour's hand firmly, and squeeze until he cries 
for mercy.
e) In our church we smoke a pipe of peace.

No, I don't know, either.

5. What music was there?

a) Gregorian chant.
b) Sankey's Sacred Songs and Solos ("Throw out the lifeline 
across the dark wave; There is a brother whom someone should save").
c) 100 Hymns for Hippies.
d) Something old, tuneful, and spiritually nourishing.
e) The Kevin Mayhew book of Bad Hymns.

"The organist is sick, but Mr Banerjee has agreed to play 'Shine, Jesus, Shine' on the nose-flute instead."

6. What was on offer after the service?

(a) Coffee and Eccles cakes in the church hall.
(b) Gin, toiler cleaner and hair-restorer, chez Anti Moly.
(c) Cold tap water (we are tops for asceticism).
(d) The priest's own-brand spinach wine.
(e) As much liturgical custard as we could drink.

"More gin, vicar?"

Thank you for completing our questionnaire, and if you have any further comments please keep them to yourself.

1963 and all that (part 1)

With apologies to W. C. Sellar and R. J. Yeatman.

Pope Paul VI, a blessed pope.

A blessed pope.

After summoning the 2nd Vatican Conflict in order to decide whether the Church should be modern or not, Good Pope John found that he was enjoying it so much that he dropped dead (and 51 years later he went to Heaven). The cardigans got together and picked on Cardigan Montini, who changed his name to Pope Paul VI and carried on the Vatican Conflict, after removing all the wounded. In the end, the Conflict ended with lots of new decisions, which were instantly blamed on the Holy Spirit, viz.:

1. All Catholics must stop talking Latin and learn a new language called Vernacular.
2. All priests who faced east must turn round and face west. However, the common people were not allowed to face west.
3. All altars were moved from the end of the church into the middle, so that the priests could hide behind them.
4. Kneeling was forbidden in church, as it was not considered cool.
5. The common people were no longer to obey orders given to them by priests.
6. The Age of Aquarius had dawned and a new Spirit of Vatican II was abroad.
7. Sex and drugs and rock and roll were still sins, but not as bad as they used to be. Indeed there was to be a new prophet of rock and roll, called St Cliff Richard.

After the 2nd Vatican Conflict, all Catholics were naturally very happy, and so they stopped going to church (see Rule 5).

Catholics being very happy.

Another thing that happened in the reign of Pope Paul was that he wrote an encyclopaedia, called Humorus Vitae, or Isn't life funny? In it he explained that Catholics should not use contradiction to avoid having babies. Since many married couples spend most of the time contradicting each other, this was not very popular.

Pope Paul was so shocked by the reception of Humorus Vitae that for the next ten years he became very serious, and did nothing memorable at all. Finally, he was persuaded to die so that someone else could have a go.

Pope John-Paul I, a smiling pope.

Not really memorable.

After Blessed but rather Serious Pope Paul, the cardigans decided that they needed a smiling pope. After a smiling competition, they told Albino Luciani to take over, but only for a month, because he was not really memorable. The new pope chose the name John-Paul-George-Ringo, after a famous pope group called the Beatitudes, but this was soon shortened to John-Paul. Then one day Pope John-Paul decided to stop smiling, and died suddenly.

Pope John-Paul II, a saintly pope.

A shaved person.

When Pope John-Paul I died, the cardigans got together and decided to elect a young pope, so that he probably wouldn't die too quickly. Although the rules of the game said that popes had to be Italian, there weren't any young Italian cardigans left, so they chose a Polish pope, Karol Józef Wojtyła. He started off as a young pope, but then surprised people by becoming an old pope. The new pope was not expecting to be elected, because he wasn't Italian; indeed, he was so shocked that he could not think of a new pope-name, so he became Pope John-Paul II.

A cardigan greets the new pope.

Questions on the period 1963 to 1978. Candidates should sing their answers to a melody by Paul Inwood.

1. Explain why the 2nd Vatican Conflict encouraged the use of (a) clown masses, (b) puppet masses, and (c) dancing priests.
2. Write down all you know about (a) Annibale Bugsbunni; (b) the heresies of Basil Foltus; (c) Archbishop Marcel Leftover.
3. Compare and contrast (a) St Cliff Richard; (b) the Beatitudes; (c) The (cardigan) Whom.
4. Think of three memorable things that Pope John-Paul I could have done in order to live longer.
5. Translate into Vernacular: (a) Wojtyła; (b) Humorus Vitae; (c) Kumbaya.

To be continued.

I'm a Catholic and I'm O.K.

Here at last is the song that will offend Obama, Cameron, Hollande, Kenny, ... All of them. If you don't know the tune, you can find it here.

Oh, I'm a Catholic, and I'm okay,
I go to church and I like to pray.

The choir

CHORUS: He's a Catholic, and he's okay,
He goes to church and he likes to pray.

I go to Mass, I genuflect,
I say the Rosary.
On Fridays I go shopping
And eat just fish for tea.

CHOIR: He goes to Mass, he genuflects,
He says the Rosary.
On Fridays he goes shopping
And eats just fish for tea.

Probably a Catholic bird.

CHORUS: He's a Catholic, and he's okay,
He goes to church and he likes to pray.

I go to Mass, confess my sins,
I feel that God is near.
I don't think that abortion
Is such a good idea.

CHOIR: He goes to Mass, confesses sins,
He feels that God is near.
He doesn't think abortion is such a good idea???
WHAT???

A nasty pro-life Catholic fiend. We hates them.

CHORUS: He's a Catholic, and he's okay,
He goes to church and he likes to pray.

I go to Mass, I shun divorce,
I'm definitely pro-life.
I don't think that two men can
Be called "husband and wife".

CHOIR: He goes to Mass, he shuns divorce
He's definitely pro-life??? How dare he?
He doesn't think two men can be called "husband and wife"???
Bigot! Lock him up!

Oh Bevis! And I always thought you were a Tablet Catholic!

Who is papabile?

Since today sees my last chance to post before the election of a new Pope, here is an assortment of cardinals who may be considered "papabile."

Two cardinals (L) and two traffic cones (R).

The first hurdle the electors will have to overcome is to avoid electing a traffic cone by mistake, even though they strongly resemble cardinals (see above). As anyone who has ever wandered round a school, university or shopping mall will testify, traffic cones are to be seen in the most unlikely places; so there will probably be several lying around the Sistine Chapel. However, no traffic cone has ever been elected Pope - the story of Pope Cone is simply a medieval legend.

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Cardinal Turkson assures Chris Huhne that Jesus will bear his speeding points as well as his sins.

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An alternative to Cardinal Turkson is Cardinal Dolan, the laughing cardinal (H/T Mundabor).

A ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

I know a fat old card'nal, he's always on our street.
A fat and jolly red-faced man, he really is a treat
He's too kind for a cardinal, he's never known to frown,
And everybody says he is the happiest man in town.

CHORUS: A ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ooo hoo hoo hoo ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ooo hoo hoo hoo ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ooo hoo hoo hoo ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

He laughs upon confessions, he laughs when saying prayers,
He laughs at every passer-by who simply stops and stares.
He never can stop laughing, he says he never tried
But once he exorcised a man, and laughed until he cried.

CHORUS.

So if you chance to meet him, processing down the aisle,
Just kiss him on his fat old hand and give him a big smile:
His eyes will beam and sparkle, he'll gurgle with delight,
And then you'll start him laughing with all his blessed might.

CHORUS.

Ooo hoo hoo hoo ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

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Say the black, do the red - Cardinal Zuhlsdorf's coat of arms.

The great Fr Z. is already in Rome, just in case the call comes; however, so far he hasn't found a Latin-speaking taxi-driver to take him to the Vatican. Fr Z. has already updated his coat of arms in anticipation of being made a cardinal, but will he make it to Pope as well? Frankly, this may be something of an outside shot, but an armed Pope-blogger who knows where to get good coffee may be just what the Catholic church needs at this time.

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Even more of an outside shot is Keith O'Brien.

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We should not forget Cardinal Ouellet, who has been adopted by Eccles. Unfortunately, he has returned most of Eccles's generous gifts - spare socks, tins of baked beans, and CDs of the Goon Show - but, since it rains a lot in Rome, he has kept the umbrella and the Ouellet boots (geddit?)

It raineth upon the just and the unjust. (Matthew 5:45)

Admittedly, he has slipped from 8-1 to 10-1 odds since Eccles took up his cause.

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There are several other cardinals in the running, mostly with Italian names, such as Scola, Bertone, Odone, Ravioli, etc., but the one with the strongest chances is surely Cardinal Furretti (H/T Sister Fortis of Blogfen).

Cardinal Furretti, putting the "cat" in "Catholic."

Like traffic cones, cats get everywhere, and this one should have no trouble entering the Sistine Chapel through the cat-flap (preferably not carrying a dead mouse). If elected, will take the title of Pope Felix V.

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In fact there has been a certain amount in the news about people attempting to gatecrash the conclave by dressing up as cardinals. Some of the following are probably not genuine cardinals - in any case, they should not be elected Pope.

Conrad Black.

Michael Palin.

Some of the cardinals are considered to be too young to be papabile this time.

Finally, if the Catholic Church is looking for a saved Pope, with his own blog, read by at least three people every week, then a certain newly-arrived Cardinal may still be in with good chances.

Vote for Cardinal Eccles!