Miss Marbles was a white-haired old lady with a gentle appealing manner, and known as "Loster" Marbles to her nearest and dearest. However, her great friend Sir Henry Blithering, a retired Commissioner of the Metropolitan Police, knew that if anyone could solve the mystery of the Washington riots, it would be she.
"Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner. Also, thank you God for a lovely day. God bless Melania, God bless Mike Pence, God bless Nancy Pelosi, Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, and all the crazy gang. God bless me, and make me a good boy. Amen."
Jimbo the clown welcomes us into his lovely cell.
Father James Martin LGBTSJ was the first to condemn Mr Trump, pointing out that his actions made a mockery of Christianity. "And that's MY job!" he added. Jim also criticised Trump's use of force in removing "peacemakers" (looters and brick-throwers) from his bedroom before saying his prayers, noting that some of them were probably LGBT types who simply wanted the President to build bridges with them. Apparently, Trump squirted them with deodorant (later described as tear-gas).
Donald Trump attempts to make amends.
Next, "Uncle Wil", alias Wilton Ruggery, the Archbishop whose parents named him after a carpet, waded into the row. "Yesterday, the President visited the shrine of Pope St John-Paul II," he grumbled. "This is reserved for very holy people such as myself. I thank God daily that I am not as other men, in particular this great sinner Trump. Now I discover that he is praying to the same God as I do. Is there no limit to the man's effrontery? Get your own God, orange man!"
Wilton Ruggery relaxes in the company of sinless Catholics.
President Trump is struggling to defend himself from these attacks from powerful Catholics, and has even coined the slogan "Orange Lives Matter," but it is clear that he is doomed. Even offering to go out and loot a shoe shop is unlikely to satisfy his critics.
But nobody noticed as they were all celebrating Laudato Si'.
There will be rejoicing throughout the Catholic world. Bonfires will be lit. Houses will be illuminated. The streets will be decorated with plastic straws. Pachamama idols will be brought out. There will be a performance of Paul Inwood's "Alleluia-puff-puff" by an orchestra of tuned air conditioners, boilers, revving car engines, etc. There will be jet fly-pasts. Clouds of dry ice will swirl everywhere.
This begins a WHOLE YEAR of Laudato Si' celebrations - the Jubilee Year of Laudato Si'. As for the Year of Mercy, there will be a specially-designed ugly logo, and each church will have an electric "Door of Laudato Si'" through which people can enter.
"How dare you?" The logo of the Year of Laudato Si'.
Pope Francis is naturally very pleased with Laudato Si' - it is nearly as ground-breaking as Amoris Laetita, but the year of AL won't begin until the 5th anniversary in March/April 2021. LS is described as the greatest work in theology since the book of Revelation, and burning copies have contributed more to the environment than for any other papal encyclical.
"It's very good, but I really can't accept a copy," says top Catholic Austen Ivereigh.
So what are the theological lessons that we can learn from Laudato Si' (now a best-selling novel, soon to be a major television series, an opera, a ballet, and a series of three long movies by Sir Peter Jackson)? Well, let Pope Francis himself show us some of the main hazards to the environment.
Don't use aeroplanes! Don't use plastic! And don't pollute the atmosphere!
Let joy be unconfined!
"Going down..."
Now, I know that I was seen in the Vatican today, optimistically pushing several lift buttons at once, but I must reassure you that I had nothing to do with Pope Francis's mishap. As in the 2013 Conclave we should thank the Holy Spirit for stepping in.
This is not the first time that the Holy Spirit has given a Pope a warning just as he was about to do something rash. Back in 2000, Pope John-Paul II was trapped in a broom cupboard for hours, just as he was about to issue a list of new cardinals containing the name of Jorge Bergoglio. However, he did not realize that this was a sign from above, and went ahead regardless.
"No, no, Holy Father, I'm sure it wasn't a sign."
Going further back, Pope John XXIII was trapped in the toilet for six days in 1959, emerging to call the 2nd Vatican Council. Was his incarceration a sign from Heaven that it would bring trouble?
The saintly pope's experiences were commemorated in a song, which later became one of Marty Haugen's greatest hits:
"Oh dear, what can the matter be? Pope John is stuck in the lavatory. He has been there from Monday till Saturday. Nobody knew he was there."Still, not all mishaps suffered by popes are necessarily warnings that they are about to do something rash. But in the case of Pope Francis, there is little doubt (and he has received too few warnings).
... and there came a mighty rushing wind...
Any resemblance between the following song and the "Vicar of Bray" (words and historical background here, and a sung version here) is purely deliberate.
In good Pope Pius' golden days, When I was just a laddie, I knew that if I wanted power, I'd have to be a traddy. At football matches I wore red, Dressed in the finest satin. In Liverpool they speak broad Scouse, But I spoke classic Latin. And this is law, I will maintain Unto my dying day, Sir. That whatsoever Pope may reign, I'll be the Eminence Grey*, Sir! *Eminence Grise, a person of great power.
"That kid's up to no good."
When John the saintly came to rule And called a great assembly, I really thought "Oh, this is dull, I'd rather be at Wembley!" The Council's rush for drastic change I could not but acknowledge, So feeling "cool" and "modern", I Went to the English College. And this is law... When Paul the Sixth possessed the throne Amidst reforms spectacular I dropped my Latin, and soon learnt To pray in the vernacular. And as the liberals seized the church I grew each day much bolder. I got ordained and offered Mass With God behind my shoulder. And this is law...
"Watch out, that young chap is up to no good."
John Paul the first did not stay long But soon we got the Second: Quite orthodox was I just then And soon preferment beckoned. From Westminster (auxiliary) To Birmingham translated - As Archbishop, I knew that now For greatness I was slated. And this is law... When Benedict became the Pope, He thought I was inspiring, To Westminster he sent me then Since Cormac was retiring. Summ-or-um Pont-i-fic-um now Meant Us-us An-ti-qui-or. It caused most liberals, like me Despair, regret and fear. But this is law...
"Watch out, he's up to no good."
At last they drove old Ben away. Pope Francis came, and said that To mark the year of Mersey, now I'd get my longed-for red hat. I praised the clarity and style Of good Pope Francis' preaching, Though soon the outraged world found out He'd dropped all ancient teaching. And this is law...
Any time you feel like retiring...
So now I have run through the list Of popes I've had to follow, And if I don't become the next, Then life will seem quite hollow. For Quest and ACTA I support, I let "gay" masses flourish, And this is what you'll get from me When e'er Pope Francis perish. Still, this is law, I will maintain Unto my dying day, Sir. That whatsoever Pope may reign, I'll be the Eminence Grey, Sir!
The story so far: you have issued a spicy exhortation Appassionata Erotica, in which you and your ghost-writers put forward several controversial opinions. It is deliberately confusing, and, whatever it is you're trying to say, it's certainly not what was agreed at the Synod you held last year.
Pope John XXII - also knew a thing or two about inventing new doctrines.
Feeling unloved, you have also decided to create some new cardinals, for which the main criterion you use is not "Is he a good Catholic?" but "Is he a yes-man?" Accordingly some very strange people, including Cardinals Farrago, Kewpie, and Toblerone, are now ready to become princes of the Church, as you approach the end of the Jubilee Year of Hospitality.
However, all is not well. A few months ago, some of your most respected cardinals wrote to you, asking whether you were still a Catholic. Apparently they had come to the conclusion that some of the opinions stated in Appassionata Erotica, if interpreted by a sufficiently mischievous person - say, a Jesuit - were quite possibly heretical. So they posed a few test questions to give you a chance to clear your name. Such questions are called "dubia", and any truly conscientious pope is expected to respond to them.
Pope St John-Paul II replies to dubia.
However, you are now in a real dilemma. Your own Jesuit training has taught you never to give a straight answer to a straight question. At Jesuit seminary it was: "Do you renounce evil, Fr Antonio?" "Well, I'd like to answer that question in two ways: first, by calling you names, and secondly, by running away."
So, as a good pope, you ignore the cardinals' letter - pretend, perhaps that it was lost in the post. Anyway, you have far more important duties as pope: there are still several groups of Catholics that you never got round to insulting, so, as a distraction, you call young devotees of the Latin Mass "rigid", and question the mental health of anyone who dares to ask you for clarification on any matter at all.
Meanwhile, your cronies will be describing Appassionata Erotica as "magisterial" and "part of the depoisit of faith", even "necessary for salvation", in spite of the fact that it is not even an encyclical like your famous Phew Wottascorcha on the environment, but merely an apostolic exhortation loosely based on what you wish the Synod had actually agreed.
Meanwhile, your attack dogs are slavering at the mouth...
Your pet pooch, Fr Wormtongue, attacks the cardinals who wrote to you.
Now, there is a real problem here, as you need to hold a consistory, before which you would meet your cardinals. They are getting increasingly disrespectful, and you expect embarrassing questions like "Did you get our letter, chum?" and "Haven't you resigned yet?"
The answer is simple - cancel the pre-consistory meeting!
However, if the cardinals responsible for the dubia are really serious about upholding the Catholic faith (sheesh! we thought that this sort of thing ended with Vatican II) then they may even go so far as to issue a formal "act of correction". So you'd better stuff some copies of Appassionata Erotica down the back of your cassock, Holy Father, in case someone comes round with a big stick!
Where's that naughty pope got to?
More wise advice in due course, no doubt.
I'm a member of CAFOD's Theological Reference Group, author of the best-selling God's Mother, Eve's Advocate - Comedy Book of the Year, 2003 - and an unoffical adviser to the Polish Bishops' Conference. You can call me ``Holy Mother'', as I am the nearest thing the Catholic Church has to a female Pope.
"And I have an extensive library of theological texts."
Now, some of you are here to study for the priesthood, some are doing degrees in Catholic Studies, while others are brushing up their Human Flourishing Skills. A special welcome to the spotty girl in glasses, who is doing a degree in Nuclear Physics and Human Flourishing, and the man with bloodstains all over his white coat, who hopes to get a B.Sc. in Human Flourishing and Brain Surgery.
Time to brush upon your human flourishing!
In this lecture I'm just going to give you a flavour of the topics that we cover in this Catholicism 101 course. We'll start with my own Syllabus of Errors - a list of teachings that the Catholic Church has got wrong. Sometimes it's the fault of Pope Francis, sometimes they're traditional errors going back to the 12 Disciples, and sometimes we have to lay the blame squarely at the foot of Jesus Christ. Although since he was a mere Man we could not expect Him to be right very often, now could we?
God, by Beattie-celli.
Take Abortion, for example. Many female members of my class may find it helpful to have access to a safe and legal abortion at some stage - their children may not be so keen on being ripped to pieces, but, hey! you can't please everyone all of the time, can you? If you're male, then just accept that this human right is reserved to women only. I am still waiting to hear from the Polish Bishops' Conference about whether they consider the Catechism of the Catholic Church to be more authoritative than the teaching of a Professor of Catholic Studies with her own centre for Human Flourishing! Perhaps our letter got lost in the post?
Traditionally, Polish bishops know nothing about Catholic teaching!
Now some of you came here because you'd heard that I was an expert on mysticism and spirituality. I'll be teaching you the principles of circle dancing later, in a lecture called Knees Up Mother Tina! Others want to learn about the Mass, and why it is the metaphysical consummation of homosexual love. Well, it stands to reason, doesn't it? What else could it be about? Still, my book has more details!
To put it simply, this course should be seen as a quest to discover the primordial sacramentality of creation, with a particular focus on questions of gender, nature and embodiment. So, out goes all the stuffy old male Moses-Jesus-Peter-John-Paul all-boys-together Biblical stuff, and in come feminism, paganism, naturism (Lecture 12 is called Tina Bares All), and readings from the Guardian!
It's Biblical, but we don't see it in Catholic Masses, even in Westminster Cathedral, do we?
Now, in this week's assignment, I want you to take some well-known Christian teacher - perhaps Biblical, or one of those boring men like Augustine or Aquinas - and rewrite his thoughts from a feminist point of view. Identify his errors, and explain how by changing his words we can argue for a female priesthood, with me as Archgoddess. Be imaginative!
The Only Way is Ethics.
There is no actual evidence that Pope John-Paul II, a figure remembered by some Catholics, was the Casanova of the 20th century, with a string of mistresses, illegitimate children and bigamous marriages, but, using the techniques of innuendo, misinterpretation and scandal-mongering - or investigative journalism, as it is technically known - we are forced to come to this conclusion.
Even in his childhood years, Karol (an alias that John-Paul was probably using for the purposes of deception) was known to be fond of a Polish schoolteacher called Emilia Kaczorowska, who died when he was eight years old. Affectionately, he would call her "Mamma", and he would often tell her he loved her, and give her gifts on her birthday. Pretty shocking stuff, you'll agree, especially as she was 36 years older and already married to a man called Wojtyła.
The mysterious Emilia Kaczorowska.
Later, the young John-Paul became a devoutly religious Catholic. Of course, this can take many forms: for example, I know of one pious Catholic - technically, I suppose he's a sinner, ha-ha - who left his wife and three children and ran off with another woman. It would be wrong of us to judge such a person, especially as he now presents a BBC flagship programme on religion and ethics.
In John-Paul's case his Catholic faith was combined with a mysterious devotion to a woman known only as "Mary". The young priest would keep statues of this woman in his house, and even write adoring letters to her (I have in my possession one that begins "Hail Mary, full of Grace", unearthed by the brilliant John Cornwell, author of Don't be so hard on Hitler, it was all Pius XII's fault).
We have not been able to make a definite identification of "Mary", although she is believed to have been a Jewish woman with strong Christian sympathies. Well, that's a reasonable assumption.
The unknown Mary.
When it comes to Anna-Teresa Tymieniecka, a philosopher, we are on surer ground. Indeed, we have definite evidence that John-Paul II spoke to her, even when he was Pope. This would be the first time that a reigning pope had spoken to a woman since Pope Pius X asked his tea-lady for an extra biscuit in 1910. At the time this was considered a great scandal, and it led inexorably to World War I a few years later.
Now, unfortunately, we have no evidence that John-Paul was in love with Anna-Teresa, nor she with him, but the journalistic techniques of innuendo and creative writing lead us to the inescapable conclusion that they had a torrid love affair and that she was the mother of sixteen of his children.
We have seen his letters to her, which, couched in the language of philosophy, make damaging reflections such as "It's a funny old world," "There's nowt so queer as folk" and "You never can tell, can you?" What can these be but a coded way of expressing his deep passion for her?
Scandalous photo of Pope John-Paul in a compromising situation.
I repeat, there is no evidence whatsoever that Pope John-Paul broke his vows of celibacy, However, as the Gospel puts it, "There's no smoke without fire," especially when I'm the one making all the smoke. Don't get me wrong - I'm not condemning "The Sexy Pope" - after all if Christ had one message for the world, it was that there is no such thing as sin. But the whole issue should embarrass the Catholic Church, and force it to realise that Good and Evil are equally valid lifestyles. Which suits me fine.
Hillary and friends enjoy a webcam set up in Bill Clinton's office.
Mrs Clinton has angrily insisted that for many years she has been negotiating with Pope Francis and his predecessors by e-mail, explaining to them how they have totally misunderstood Catholic teaching, but unfortunately all the correspondence was accidentally deleted. You know how these things happen.
"I'll think about it" promises Pope John-Paul II.
Meanwhile, on these shores Mr Edward Miliband, a well-known atheist and politician, has declared that he wants to meet Pope Francis. Having been leader of the opposition for nearly five years, he has not previously shown the slightest interest in hopping on a plane to Rome (or even hanging around when Pope Benedict XVI visited), but the approaching election has concentrated his mind wonderfully, and he realises that he urgently has to challenge David Cameron for the votes of any so far undecided but gullible Christians.
All hail, Macbeth, that shalt be king hereafter!
Coincidentally, the Pope has expressed a long-standing wish to meet Ed Miliband, in order to decide whether he is real. "Some people find the Christian faith difficult to accept," he said, "but believing that Ed Miliband is a real person is far more of a challenge."
Two saints turn up at the Pearly Gates.
The first thing to remember is that saints are not actually saintly people. Consider the case of St Dismas, the "good thief". Along with his mate Gestas, the "bad thief", he made a complete nuisance of himself in 1st Century Palestine. With his mask, his striped jersey, and his bag marked "SWAG" - an unusual sight in Judæa - he would break into houses and steal primitive computers - Amstrads, probably - or pick pockets. Luckily, they never tried this on Jesus, who would have detected it instantly, as He did when the woman touched His cloak. Still, at the end (admittedly very painful for him), Dismas said the immortal words "It's a fair cop" and ended up in Heaven.
Dismal Dismas.
Moving on a bit, we come to St Augustine, with his famous saying, "Grant me chastity and continence, but not yet." I know we live in a "who am I to judge?" era, but I really don't advise you to try this bit of gradualism at home. Augustine converted to Christianity at the age of 32: since he lived to be 75, he behaved himself, more or less, for 43 years, and just spent his spare time blogging. Incidentally, his mother was also a saint (Monica), but in general such titles are not hereditary. So we have here a different way to sainthood, and one more suitable for most of my readers, who are not thieves, as far as I know.
My third and last case study is Pope St John-Paul II. Like Dismas (on a Very High Authority Indeed) and Augustine (by Popular Acclaim), John-Paul was canonized very quickly - 9 years after his death - and the fact that he made it to pope may have had something to do with this. But even John-Paul did some startling things.
Kissing the Koran. DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.
We never got to the bottom of this story. Perhaps it was just John-Paul's habit to kiss any large book that came his way, whether it be a Bible, an Encyclopædia Vaticana, or even a humble telephone directory. The last is not such a bad idea, actually, as it may be interpreted as blessing all those within, yeah, even from brother A.A.A.A.0.0.0.Dyno-Plugg, the plumber, right through unto the blessed Zzygmunt Zzzzzzuhlsdorf of the Magic Circle (available for parties, weddings, and bishops' conferences). Still, kissing a Koran is something we do not generally advise.
John-Paul was of course a better man than we are, and has even been recognised to have performed some post-mortem miracles. Still, his route to sainthood is a hard one to follow, if only because we cannot all be popes.
Conclusion: I still haven't worked out a thoroughly reliable recipe for sainthood. More later, after I have consulted my brother Bosco, who is undeniably a saved person.
Could this be the way to Salvation?
Pope Francis (L) with Guido Marini.
The signs are all there - a general feeling of bewilderment, as if the Holy Father is unaware what forces he has unleashed, together with an air of total chaos as nobody really knows what direction the Church is heading in. Pope Francis's aim is not to judge anyone (except when he chooses to, of course) and the state of play in the fight between good and evil is generally uncertain.
Pope Francis has an ecumenical meeting with a Buddhist from Kandy.
Contrast this with the more rigorous, formal, regime of Pope Benedict XVI. Here of course the Doctoral model was William Hartnell, a thoroughly orthodox but much stricter character, who wouldn't suffer fools gladly.
Pope Benedict gets tough with a renegade monk.
Pope Benedict made great use of his Tardis to visit earlier times: one famous story in which he was involved was Summorum Pontificum, set in Rome. Here, the language of Latin was used throughout (although when shown on television it was dubbed into English).
Pope Benedict explain the use of Latin in the story Summorum Pontificum.
Before the Pope regenerated into Benedict XVI, the role was played by John-Paul II, who may be seen as a Patrick Troughton figure: saintly, but sometimes prepared to clown around. Still, a good man to follow when fighting Cybermen, Yeti, Communists, etc.
Pope John-Paul II working on his latest encyclical.
Pope John-Paul II was known for visiting many far-flung parts of the Universe (he would usually kiss the ground on the planet when his Tardis landed). As a result he met a plethora of exotic creatures, many of which seem to be immortal.
A meeting with Cormac Murphy-O'Connor.
However, the Sylvester McCoy model is definitely prevailing in the Catholic Church right now. So, what shall we see next? A female Pope is as unthinkable as a female Doctor, even though his arch-enemy managed to regenerate into a woman (the Mistress Beattie). Moreover, we are unlikely to see a Pope along the lines of ultra-liberal modernists such as Tennant or Capaldi. We may end up with a Colin Baker - some cardinals really have no taste in vestments - but a calm, sophisticated pope with fantastic hair is expected next time round.
Br Pertwee (R) - the next Pope?
Pope Paul VI, a blessed pope.
A blessed pope.
After summoning the 2nd Vatican Conflict in order to decide whether the Church should be modern or not, Good Pope John found that he was enjoying it so much that he dropped dead (and 51 years later he went to Heaven). The cardigans got together and picked on Cardigan Montini, who changed his name to Pope Paul VI and carried on the Vatican Conflict, after removing all the wounded. In the end, the Conflict ended with lots of new decisions, which were instantly blamed on the Holy Spirit, viz.:
1. All Catholics must stop talking Latin and learn a new language
called Vernacular.
2. All priests who faced east must turn round and face west.
However, the common people were not allowed to face west.
3. All altars were moved from the end of the church into the
middle, so that the priests could hide behind them.
4. Kneeling was forbidden in church, as it was not considered cool.
5. The common people were no longer to obey orders given to them
by priests.
6. The Age of Aquarius had dawned and a new Spirit of Vatican II
was abroad.
7. Sex and drugs and rock and roll were still sins, but not as bad as
they used to be. Indeed there was to be a new prophet of rock and roll,
called St Cliff Richard.
After the 2nd Vatican Conflict, all Catholics were naturally very happy, and so they stopped going to church (see Rule 5).
Catholics being very happy.
Another thing that happened in the reign of Pope Paul was that he wrote an encyclopaedia, called Humorus Vitae, or Isn't life funny? In it he explained that Catholics should not use contradiction to avoid having babies. Since many married couples spend most of the time contradicting each other, this was not very popular.
Pope Paul was so shocked by the reception of Humorus Vitae that for the next ten years he became very serious, and did nothing memorable at all. Finally, he was persuaded to die so that someone else could have a go.
Pope John-Paul I, a smiling pope.
Not really memorable.
After Blessed but rather Serious Pope Paul, the cardigans decided that they needed a smiling pope. After a smiling competition, they told Albino Luciani to take over, but only for a month, because he was not really memorable. The new pope chose the name John-Paul-George-Ringo, after a famous pope group called the Beatitudes, but this was soon shortened to John-Paul. Then one day Pope John-Paul decided to stop smiling, and died suddenly.
Pope John-Paul II, a saintly pope.
A shaved person.
When Pope John-Paul I died, the cardigans got together and decided to elect a young pope, so that he probably wouldn't die too quickly. Although the rules of the game said that popes had to be Italian, there weren't any young Italian cardigans left, so they chose a Polish pope, Karol Józef Wojtyła. He started off as a young pope, but then surprised people by becoming an old pope. The new pope was not expecting to be elected, because he wasn't Italian; indeed, he was so shocked that he could not think of a new pope-name, so he became Pope John-Paul II.
A cardigan greets the new pope.
Questions on the period 1963 to 1978. Candidates should sing their answers to a melody by Paul Inwood.
1. Explain why the 2nd Vatican Conflict
encouraged the use of (a) clown masses, (b) puppet masses, and (c) dancing priests.
2. Write down all you know about (a) Annibale Bugsbunni; (b) the heresies of Basil Foltus;
(c) Archbishop Marcel Leftover.
3. Compare and contrast (a) St Cliff Richard; (b) the Beatitudes;
(c) The (cardigan) Whom.
4. Think of three memorable things that Pope John-Paul I could have done in order
to live longer.
5. Translate into Vernacular: (a) Wojtyła; (b) Humorus Vitae; (c) Kumbaya.
To be continued.
