It's Radcliffe Mania!

Are YOU organizing a synod? Well, if not, why not? Have you not heard the Holy Father tell us that the essence of Catholicism is its synodality? You should eat, drink, breathe and sleep synodality (especially the last if it gets to be too boring)!

Musical chairs at a synod party. Take one away and see which synodder can't find a seat when the music stops!

All right, I've persuaded you. There are lots of excuses for a synod - a birthday synod, a baptism synod, a wedding synod, a funeral synod... If you can't think of a good reason, just send out invitations to a few friends - 400 should be enough - to sit round tables in a sinister-looking hall for a week or two.

Now you will need an official retreat master and spiritual advisor to deliver a series of talks and meditations to the delegates during the assembly of your synod. And this is where Radcliffe Mania comes in - everyone wants their own Timothy Radcliffe!

A Radcliffe impersonator - an old sheet, a cheap wig and a bag of heresy.

Just look at what you'll need to guide your synod:

* A president at one of the infamous Soho Masses.
* A man who recommended the film Brokeback Mountain.
* A man who rejects the Church's teaching on homosexual relations.

Sounds like Fr James Martin LGBTSJ, doesn't it? But no, Jimbo is only second grade material - he won't be a cardinal until the consistory after next! The flavour of the day is Tim Radagast.

Oh, did I mean Radagast or Gandalf?

Anyway, we are soon going to see a new-look Radagast the red. Out goes the white sheet, in comes a red sheet. A nice red hat will complete the effect.

However, when off duty, Cardinal Radagast prefers brown vestments.

Well, I hope this article has been helpful to you. We can't all be Timothy Radcliffe, but it won't be difficult to dress up as him, to entertain your synodal guests. As for retreat talks and meditations - well, make up what you like, but nothing too Catholic. Right?

Fun for all the family!

The Dark Lord Bauron calls a meeting

So it came to pass that the Dark Lord (Bishop) Bauron called a secret conference of his allies: there came unto his online DOOM meeting a host of wizards, witches, orcs, trolls, balrogs, wargs, giant spiders, Jesuits, and many others.

Mordor on Fire!

And Bauron addressed his troops as follows:

"Friends, before we start may I just mention that I have a new book out, the Sellamillion, which you will all want to recommend to your flocks? If you have a book tolkien to spend, then you cannot do better.

Now, we are here today to declare war on the forces of tradition, led by my arch-enemy Radtradagast the Grey, Marshal of the tailors.

For too long have the Rad Trads criticised our ways, and refused to serve in my Mordor on Fire Empire. They shout out incantations in the old language of Latin, refusing to worship in Orcish, as agreed by the 2nd Council of the Vat Orthanc. They preach ancient doctrines, such as the existence of Hell, and they believe in the literal truth of scripture. They insult my good servant Father James Sarumartin the rainbow-coloured, builder of the Bridge of Elbigat and author of much fine new teaching.

Radtradagast.

Worse of all, they report on all are we are doing, with tabloid-style journalism, using the book of faces, the elvish twitters, the tubes of You, and the great web of the world."

"What shall we do, Master?" asked a young orc, with more courage than wisdom.

Vapourising the unhappy creature instantly for its impertinence, Bauron spake out in a voice of Doom: "FRIENDS, WE'RE ALL GOING TO HAVE A GOOD CRY ABOUT IT. But if Cardinal Gollan turns up, ask him to give me a ring, would you?"