The Dark Lord Bauron calls a meeting

So it came to pass that the Dark Lord (Bishop) Bauron called a secret conference of his allies: there came unto his online DOOM meeting a host of wizards, witches, orcs, trolls, balrogs, wargs, giant spiders, Jesuits, and many others.

Mordor on Fire!

And Bauron addressed his troops as follows:

"Friends, before we start may I just mention that I have a new book out, the Sellamillion, which you will all want to recommend to your flocks? If you have a book tolkien to spend, then you cannot do better.

Now, we are here today to declare war on the forces of tradition, led by my arch-enemy Radtradagast the Grey, Marshal of the tailors.

For too long have the Rad Trads criticised our ways, and refused to serve in my Mordor on Fire Empire. They shout out incantations in the old language of Latin, refusing to worship in Orcish, as agreed by the 2nd Council of the Vat Orthanc. They preach ancient doctrines, such as the existence of Hell, and they believe in the literal truth of scripture. They insult my good servant Father James Sarumartin the rainbow-coloured, builder of the Bridge of Elbigat and author of much fine new teaching.

Radtradagast.

Worse of all, they report on all are we are doing, with tabloid-style journalism, using the book of faces, the elvish twitters, the tubes of You, and the great web of the world."

"What shall we do, Master?" asked a young orc, with more courage than wisdom.

Vapourising the unhappy creature instantly for its impertinence, Bauron spake out in a voice of Doom: "FRIENDS, WE'RE ALL GOING TO HAVE A GOOD CRY ABOUT IT. But if Cardinal Gollan turns up, ask him to give me a ring, would you?"

Mordor Synod going well so far

After two weeks of the long-awaited Mordor Synod, Pope Saruman ("the man in white") has declared himself "very happy" with the development of doctrine that has been taking place.

Saruman had invited various religious leaders from the wilds of Mordor, where Catholic priests are almost unknown, to take part and let the Church benefit from the spiritual wisdom of the orcs.

Pope Saruman with his "stang".

Debate is still going on about the ordination of orcs, who at least have never been known to marry, and the question of genociding elves remains open.

In an ecumenical service in Rome, Pope Saruman led a ceremony of devotion to a strange idol, positively identified by Austen Wormtongue as St Peter, although malicious commentators have identified it as the infamous Gollumama.

Gollumama, or possibly St Peter the fisherman.

Some critics, such as Cardinal Gandalf and Fr Odo Baggins, have condemned the Synod in outspoken language, saying, "By and large, all things considered, a devotion to Sauron may be seen as inconsistent with some Catholic beliefs, and, although we would not go so far as saying that it was in any way wrong, we would ask Catholics to regard it with a certain amount of suspicion. On the other hand... In a very real sense..." That's telling them!

Meanwhile, Fr James Radagast SJ has come to the conclusion that Gollumama is "probably gay", and so he is delighted with the devotions.

Mordor. The future inspiration for the Catholic Church?

God denounces Stephen Fry

In an unprecedented appearance on an Irish television programme, God the Father Almighty has described the "entertainer" Stephen Fry as "utterly evil, capricious and monstrous".

"I KNOW I'M SUPPOSED TO LOVE HIM," said God, "BUT HE IS SUCH A LOATHSOME TOAD THAT ONLY AN OMNIPOTENT BEING SUCH AS I COULD MAKE A REALISTIC JOB OF IT."

Smug, about to be killed by Smaug (disappointingly, this didn't really happen).

Stephen Fry, of course, has recently developed an interest in theology, possibly because his young "husband" is currently taking Religious Studies as one of his GCSEs. As such, he has discovered for the first time the Problem of Pain, that there is suffering in the World. Apparently, theologians throughout the ages never noticed this before, and it took a mega-brained actor to point it out to them.

"We know what's wrong with you, but only Stephen Fry can explain why."

Meanwhile, God had another comment to make. "SOME PEOPLE THINK THAT HIS 'QI' PROGRAMME IS SOME SORT OF PARADISE. BUT CAN YOU IMAGINE AN ETERNITY OF LISTENING TO FRY MAKING SMUG REMARKS TO A SYCOPHANTIC AUDIENCE? I'D RATHER GO TO THE OTHER PLACE - RTE TELEVISION."

Delivering the message of a not-very-good Fry Day.

In conclusion, God remarked. YES, TV CAN BE VERY WONDERFUL, BUT IT CONTAINS INSECTS WHOSE WHOLE PURPOSE IS TO BURROW INTO PEOPLE'S BRAINS AND DRIVE THEM MAD: THE BRIGSTOCKE, THE BRAND (ANY BRAND), THE GERVAIS... YES, AND THE FRY. THE MOMENT YOU BANISH THEM, LIFE BECOMES SIMPLER, PURER, CLEANER AND MORE WORTH LIVING."

He's right, you know.

My daughter is a Satanist: should I be worried?

Our agony aunt, Ella Rislim, answers your ethical questions for Crux.

Dear Auntie Ella,
My daughter is obsessed with the occult, like many healthy nine-year-olds. Recently, she has been conducting seances in her bedroom, inviting Madame E. Curti, a local medium, to summon up the spirits of dead people. Last week, for example, she conjured up her Uncle Albert, Charlie Chaplin, and Mgr Basil Loftus (the last was rather a surprise until we realised that his soul had long since parted company from his body).

A perfectly normal interest for a young child.

So far there have been no ill effects apart from the fact that her bedroom smells strongly of ectoplasm and the cat has disappeared. Oh - and there was the unfortunate incident when her best friend encountered the demon Melbrinionon-sadsazzer-steldregandish-feltselior and was carried off down to Hell. We are faithful Catholics, regular readers of Crux, and great fans of Pope Francis. Do you see a problem with this?

Auntie Ella writes: It is good for children to have a hobby. Admittedly the Catholic Church warns against occultism, conjuring up spirits, cosying up to demons, and playing around with the supernatural. But after all, Tolkien was a Catholic, and nobody ever told him off for writing those books of his!

Tolkien - wrote about wraiths and spirits.

Dear Auntie Ella,
My teenage son Victor has started to take an interest in grave-robbing, and has formed a fine collection of body parts. He tells me that he is just one spleen and three bones short of making a complete monster, which he proposes to animate the next day we have a thunderstorm. As a pious Catholic who attends Mass every Christmas, should I feel concerned?

Auntie Ella writes: This is perfectly normal activity for a Catholic teenager. However, I should check that the wiring in your house is safe, as we don't want him to start a fire, do we?

The monster offers to help in the garden.

Dear Auntie Ella,
My daughter Catherine sleeps in a coffin during the day time, and goes out only at night "for a drink", as she puts it. Also she keeps dozens of bats in her bedroom. I am worried that this pattern of behaviour is causing her to neglect her studies, and she may fail to get into Oxford University. As a faithful Catholic, what should I do?

Auntie Ella writes: Do not worry. If she can't make it into Oxford, she might try Roehampton.

An anxious moment waiting for A level results.

Dear Auntie Ella,
My daughter has been reading Crux and taking advice from its agony aunt. Is this wise?

Auntie Ella writes: Er, well....

Who invented Giles Fraser?

Leading satirical religious bloggers were disputing today over the origin of the Giles Fraser trope (or do I mean "meme"?). This is a comic creation that has been seen in many places, often in the form of a Church of England priest who promotes secular socialism as Christianity.

Pull the tassel and his head lights up.

This blog denies any responsibility for the Giles Fraser idea, but here are some possible suspects.

Standing on my head by Fr Dwight Longenecker. Was this the origin of the "Christ would have approved of same-sex marriage" joke?

The Beaker folk of Husborne Crawley by Archdruid Eileen. Could she have invented the "I don't object to suicide on religious grounds, merely because it is a tool of market capitalism" quip?

Linen on the Hedgerow by Richard Collins. Surely nobody else could have come up with the idea of a priest who sells his soul to the Guardian?

Dr Spaceley-Trellis.

One obvious ancestor of the Giles Fraser character is Peter Simple's Dr Spaceley-Trellis, the go-ahead bishop of Bevindon, who regarded Christ as a social worker, and was anxious to reject His miracles and moral teaching. Another ancestor is probably Tolkien's character Fr Gollum, with his cries of "Bigotsess, I hatess them!"

... and I was wondering whether you could invite Fr Gollum onto Thought for the Day?

Of course the Catholics have their own comedy characters, some as hilarious as Giles Fraser. We were thinking especially of the brilliant Basil Loftus, who is generally agreed to be an invention of Dr Joseph Shaw.

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In other Anglican news, the former Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams, has admitted to being strongly influenced by Buddhism. When he runs out of socially aware prayers to say, a spot of navel-contemplation keeps the archiepiscopal spirit fully nourished.

The mystic art of Can-tu-ar.

Girl Guides become inclusive and relevant

The Girl Guides' new pledge will drop the boring bits about loving God and serving one's country in favour of the following promise: I promise that I will do my best: to be true to myself and develop my beliefs, to serve the Queen and my community, to help other people and to keep the Guide law - this is all in the interests of becoming "truly inclusive and relevant to the reality of 21st century Britain."

We therefore asked a typical girl guide, Gill Slocombe (aged 10), to explain this to us.

One way a girl can be true to herself and develop her beliefs.

Eccles: Gill, do girl guides still do good deeds?

Gill: Ooh, yes, Eccles. For example, I saw a pregnant lady on the bus today.

E: You offered her your seat, then?

G: No, no. I simply helped her off the bus and took her into the local branch of the Family Planning Association. See? I've got my "Family Planning" badge now. I wear it next to my "Faith Awareness" badge.

Faith awareness.

E: Tell me about the "Faith Awareness" badge. Did you get that by attending church?

G: Attending church? What are you, some sort of religious maniac? No, I shopped my local priest to the police - he's a homophobic bigot you know, he told us that marriage was something to do with men and women! They'll be sending him down for 30 years.

E: Oh I see. Now tell me how you are "truly inclusive and relevant to the reality of 21st century Britain."

G: Oh just the usual things. Reading the Guardian, "liking" wind farms on Facebook, shooting my father with a water pistol...

How to be relevant to the reality of 21st century Britain.

E: Yes, well violence is very relevant to society. I'd hate to think that you might have a deprived childhood, and be unable to participate it it.

G: Oh, I do participate, Eccles.

Charles Naasti shows how violence is very relevant to society.

E: Well, you are certainly a model girl guide, Gill. One last badge to finish off?

Film lover.

G: Yes, I got this one for going to the cinema to see The invasion of the sex-crazed lesbian vicars from Croydon. It was either that or The Hobbit, and being a pacifist I really hate Tolkien's violent scenes.

E: Gill Slocombe, thank you for explaining the realities of modern guiding.

No, no, Gill. This is not the time to earn your "arson" badge.

Desert Island Discs

"Now this statue of a Cardinal is very lifelike indeed."

Nasty Young: So, Sister Wendy, the Pope has suggested that you take your life as a hermit to its next stage, and move to a desert island?

Sr Wendy: Yes, until recently I was living the contemplative life, sometimes not speaking to anyone for as long as ten minutes at a time. My only contact with the outside world was my regular television broadcast. But the Holy Father thinks I could take this further.

Now, as a BBC employee, I feel it is my duty to insult the Catholic church.

Don't you think that all the evils of the world would go away if the Catholic church would only change its views on contraception, abortion, and women priests? Why can't it adopt the values of the BBC, as laid down by Sir Jimmy Savile? I mean, look at the real problems of the world - HIV, famine, genocide, cancer, Norovirus, wet weather, the price of designer clothes, the train service - why isn't the Vatican taking responsibility for all of these?

Well, Kirsty, I am sure that the Pope is listening to this programme - I know he's a great fan of mine - and we are all praying that he will lead the Catholic church into a position where it will not cause any offence to secularists.

This charming work of Renaissance art reminds us that God wanted men to marry each other.

Now, your first disc is that famous rugby song, "Four and twenty virgins came down from Inverness," sung by the choir of Christ Church, Oxford. Did you choose it because it reminds you of your university days?

Oh, definitely. Did I mention that I went to Oxford, and my examiner, Professor Tolkien said I was the cleverest person he'd ever seen? Then I told him I wanted to be a nun, and he made a joke about habits and hobbits. When I finally took my vows, I planned to take the name of Sister Brainy, but the Mother Superior advised me against it, so I became known as Sister Humility instead...

My luxury item - an unfinished masterpiece by Leonardo da Vinci.

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If you hated this piece, then you will certainly not wish to read this:

The best in Catholic journalism.

Tolkien film released

It's out at last: The Tobblit, the new film based on Tolkien's famous book.

The Tobblit

As many readers will know, this book tells the tale of Pill-bo Peppins the Half-baked, who is sent on a quest by the great wizard Ganduffy, and meets many strange characters on the way.

"Keep to the Left!" says Ganduffy.

The powers of Middle-Earth (or Mediterraneum, to use a more traditional expression) have led Peppins to roam (Roma), but she is determined to escape from their influence: she goes into the wilderness looking for adventure, along with thirteen dwarves. These include Beati, the comedy dwarf, whose invitation to take part is withdrawn at the last moment. She tags along anyway, blogging furiously about it.

Peppins encounters an evil D'orc, seen here with the corpse of its victim.

The way is perilous, and Peppins often loses sight of her ultimate quest, which is something to do with a dragon. Indeed, as this is a three-film trilogy, she won't get that far for another couple of years.

One of the most loathsome creatures encountered en route is Gilesum, a strange twisted being that lives underground.

Gilesum - once human, but now distorted by a life of hatred.

Gilesum utters many strange cries like "BIGOTSES - I HATESEM" and "WE WANTS WIMMIN PRIESTESSES!" He is custodian of a mysterious ring, with various magic powers, including the ability to throw one's voice into innocent people's sleeping chambers early in the morning.

Peppins escapes Gilesum and rejoins the party. They then have to cross the sinister forest of Inwood, where strange sounds are heard that drive people insane; however, the travellers cover their ears, as have so many before them, and they eventually reach the land of elven safety.

Christopher Lee plays the part of another wizard, Cantuar the White.