The Dark Lord Bauron calls a meeting

So it came to pass that the Dark Lord (Bishop) Bauron called a secret conference of his allies: there came unto his online DOOM meeting a host of wizards, witches, orcs, trolls, balrogs, wargs, giant spiders, Jesuits, and many others.

Mordor on Fire!

And Bauron addressed his troops as follows:

"Friends, before we start may I just mention that I have a new book out, the Sellamillion, which you will all want to recommend to your flocks? If you have a book tolkien to spend, then you cannot do better.

Now, we are here today to declare war on the forces of tradition, led by my arch-enemy Radtradagast the Grey, Marshal of the tailors.

For too long have the Rad Trads criticised our ways, and refused to serve in my Mordor on Fire Empire. They shout out incantations in the old language of Latin, refusing to worship in Orcish, as agreed by the 2nd Council of the Vat Orthanc. They preach ancient doctrines, such as the existence of Hell, and they believe in the literal truth of scripture. They insult my good servant Father James Sarumartin the rainbow-coloured, builder of the Bridge of Elbigat and author of much fine new teaching.

Radtradagast.

Worse of all, they report on all are we are doing, with tabloid-style journalism, using the book of faces, the elvish twitters, the tubes of You, and the great web of the world."

"What shall we do, Master?" asked a young orc, with more courage than wisdom.

Vapourising the unhappy creature instantly for its impertinence, Bauron spake out in a voice of Doom: "FRIENDS, WE'RE ALL GOING TO HAVE A GOOD CRY ABOUT IT. But if Cardinal Gollan turns up, ask him to give me a ring, would you?"

Don't let Pope Francis turn into Sylvester McCoy!

In a very interesting piece for the Catholic Herald, Tim Stanley complains that the modern Dr Who character is becoming too atheist. There has been a change from the Jon Pertwee days, when the Doctor was almost certainly a staunch Anglican - if the Anglican Church was the Conservative party at prayer, then Dr Who was the Anglican Church hiding behind the sofa. Over here we have observed a different phenomenon: the Catholic Church is being led by a new Pope, who bears a suspicious resemblance to Sylvester McCoy.

Pope Francis (L) with Guido Marini.

The signs are all there - a general feeling of bewilderment, as if the Holy Father is unaware what forces he has unleashed, together with an air of total chaos as nobody really knows what direction the Church is heading in. Pope Francis's aim is not to judge anyone (except when he chooses to, of course) and the state of play in the fight between good and evil is generally uncertain.

Pope Francis has an ecumenical meeting with a Buddhist from Kandy.

Contrast this with the more rigorous, formal, regime of Pope Benedict XVI. Here of course the Doctoral model was William Hartnell, a thoroughly orthodox but much stricter character, who wouldn't suffer fools gladly.

Pope Benedict gets tough with a renegade monk.

Pope Benedict made great use of his Tardis to visit earlier times: one famous story in which he was involved was Summorum Pontificum, set in Rome. Here, the language of Latin was used throughout (although when shown on television it was dubbed into English).

Pope Benedict explain the use of Latin in the story Summorum Pontificum.

Before the Pope regenerated into Benedict XVI, the role was played by John-Paul II, who may be seen as a Patrick Troughton figure: saintly, but sometimes prepared to clown around. Still, a good man to follow when fighting Cybermen, Yeti, Communists, etc.

Pope John-Paul II working on his latest encyclical.

Pope John-Paul II was known for visiting many far-flung parts of the Universe (he would usually kiss the ground on the planet when his Tardis landed). As a result he met a plethora of exotic creatures, many of which seem to be immortal.

A meeting with Cormac Murphy-O'Connor.

However, the Sylvester McCoy model is definitely prevailing in the Catholic Church right now. So, what shall we see next? A female Pope is as unthinkable as a female Doctor, even though his arch-enemy managed to regenerate into a woman (the Mistress Beattie). Moreover, we are unlikely to see a Pope along the lines of ultra-liberal modernists such as Tennant or Capaldi. We may end up with a Colin Baker - some cardinals really have no taste in vestments - but a calm, sophisticated pope with fantastic hair is expected next time round.

Br Pertwee (R) - the next Pope?