Dead people awareness month

Are you tired of Black Non-binary History Month? Do you yawn when reminded that it's Transgender Lives Support Week? Can you really bear the excitement of LGBTSJQED James Martin Coming Out Day?

Well, that's too bad, as the Catholic Church, at least, has designated November as Dead People Awareness Month. It's also known as People Without Lives Matter, and Gone to Meet Their Maker History Month (although of course it's true that most of history was made by people who are now pushing up the daisies).

People are sick of stripy flags, so we went for this very tasteful one.

We are looking forward to a lot of Dead People Awareness in November, although we are not expecting many dead people to celebrate in person. To kick off, November 1st is Saved Person History Day, and November 2nd is All The Other Dead People Day. After that it goes a bit downhill, but we end the month on a high note with St Andrew, the Scottish disciple, who also happens to be dead.

November 30th is also Saved Fishermen Awareness Day.

Of course all events will be overshadowed by the Synod - you may have realised that October was Synodal Bores Gobbledegook Month, in which all synodal participants were asked to conceal their inmost thoughts by cloaking them in buzzwords.

Sr Maria Grazia Angelini has shown that women can do this just as well as men (so why can't they be ordained?) with her classic "I pray that this synod receives the art of new narrations, the radical humility of knowing the likeness of the Reign of God in the most varied and human dynamisms."

However, Cardinal Joe "Nighty-night" Tobin is also doing well, with his "Synodality is a constitutive dimension of the Church since its origin that is still being realized today. Indeed, it expresses a radical call to conversion, change, prayer and action for all."

Meanwhile, other synodal "experts" continue to exchange gobbledegook.

Austen Ivereigh tells a horrified James Martin that he's just written yet another book about Pope Francis

Church changes its mind

Galilee, 30 A.D.

Jesus of Nazareth declared himself "very disappointed" today, when His twelve disciples voted by a large majority to admit an extra dozen women to their number.

Why should the men get all the best vestments?

In spite of an impassioned speech by Christ, explaining why His Father had instituted an all-male priesthood, and why He was carrying on this tradition, strong opposition came from several of the more liberal apostles.

Said St Andrew, the Scottish disciple, "Och, ya ken, ah see nothin' wrang wi' the ordination of ladies. They wear skirts just like the laddies do."

A more intellectual argument was put forward by St John, who said, "In this modern day and age it is important that Christians do not stand out from members of the general public, who might otherwise regard us as 'weird'. What women want from the Church is a well-defined career structure, with promotion on merit, and eventually the possibility of a managerial role."

An applicant for the post of Bishop of Bethany.

This is not the first time that the disciples have voted on the issue, and indeed last year they decided against creating women apostles. However, after King "Dave" Herod told them that they had produced the wrong answer, and that they must go away and vote again until they got it right, the eventual decision was never in doubt.

St Peter, generally regarded as something of a traditionalist with ties to Rome, was philosophical about the whole affair. "We'll be making this vote an annual event, and it might go the other way next year. If so, then I'm afraid the new female disciples will just have to retire: maybe some of them will take up religion instead."

Late news - men admitted to the nunhood. Washroom arrangements under negotiation.

NO 3: the Liturgy of the Word

Continued from Part 2.

This is the third instalment of our guide to some of the delightful things you may expect to see in the Ordinary Form Mass. It's time for the Liturgy of the Word, and today we're sending all the children out into the church hall so that they can receive their own instruction, while the grown-ups get a slightly more advanced version.

This Sunday we have the story of St Peter in prison, so the little darlings are going to draw a picture of him.

St Peter in prison, by Phil Evans (age 6).

For the grown-ups we have three readings, concluding with the Gospel, and then we come to the most exciting bit of all, the homily or sermon. Settle down, now, and let's see what spiritual delights are on offer.

I think I'll turn my hearing aid off now.

Now there are three options for the homily, and you may experience any of these.

1. The Bishop's Letter. Once a month +Fred sends out a letter to be read by all parishes. Bishops are often quite intelligent people, so this may be the best option - but if you're unlucky it will be about +Fred's holiday at the seaside: "I was walking along the beach at Hunstanton, and I thought of Jesus, who also used to go to the seaside, although it was at Galilee, and they didn't have seaside rock and donkey rides."

The Sea of Galilee - no candy floss available.

More likely, the bishop will impress you with his learning. "I was reminded of the words of Chesterton, who quoted Aquinas as pointing out that St Matthew had reported Our Lord as saying 'Lo! The people have no candy floss.'..."

2. The priest makes up a homily himself. This can be very good, or it can be very bad. At least if he's reading his own words the priest won't roll his eyes and talk in a silly voice.

3. Worst of all, you may just get: "One of our parishioners, Antonia Flannery, has recently been to India for three months, helping in a hospital there, and she's going to tell us of her experiences."

So Antonia tells you all about the hardships in Indian hospitals, where they don't have all the NHS facilities such as managers, equality and diversity coordinators, health and safety officers, etc. and have to make do with doctors and nurses.

Oh good, Antonia's going to show us her holiday snaps.

Antonia went to Mass in India, but it was in Tamil so she didn't understand much. Do NOT at this point shout out "Why didn't you go to a Latin Mass?"

All too soon, the homily is over, we say the Creed (Nicene if there's time, Apostles' if the priest thinks we're running late). There's a bit in the book about bowing when we talk about the Incarnation; don't do that, as you'll probably be the only one, and people will look at you wondering whether you've just had a heart attack.

Well, that's about it for the Liturgy of the Word, so let's welcome back the children with their pictures of St Peter in prison.

Now, Daryl, how did St Peter get out of prison? 
DID HE DIG A TUNNEL?
No, Daryl, try again. Didn't God send someone to rescue him?
OH YES I SAW THAT, IT WAS MISSION IMPOSSIBLE. ST JOHN PUT ON A 
RUBBER FACE MASK AND IMPERSONATED THE GUARD.
No, Daryl you imbecile. You weren't paying attention.

Mission Impossible - St Andrew infiltrates the prison.

Eventually, you do get some meaningful responses from the children, and the Mass continues. More next time.