This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Thursday, 21 November 2013

Church changes its mind

Galilee, 30 A.D.

Jesus of Nazareth declared himself "very disappointed" today, when His twelve disciples voted by a large majority to admit an extra dozen women to their number.

woman bishops

Why should the men get all the best vestments?

In spite of an impassioned speech by Christ, explaining why His Father had instituted an all-male priesthood, and why He was carrying on this tradition, strong opposition came from several of the more liberal apostles.

Said St Andrew, the Scottish disciple, "Och, ya ken, ah see nothin' wrang wi' the ordination of ladies. They wear skirts just like the laddies do."

A more intellectual argument was put forward by St John, who said, "In this modern day and age it is important that Christians do not stand out from members of the general public, who might otherwise regard us as 'weird'. What women want from the Church is a well-defined career structure, with promotion on merit, and eventually the possibility of a managerial role."

give us a job

An applicant for the post of Bishop of Bethany.

This is not the first time that the disciples have voted on the issue, and indeed last year they decided against creating women apostles. However, after King "Dave" Herod told them that they had produced the wrong answer, and that they must go away and vote again until they got it right, the eventual decision was never in doubt.

St Peter, generally regarded as something of a traditionalist with ties to Rome, was philosophical about the whole affair. "We'll be making this vote an annual event, and it might go the other way next year. If so, then I'm afraid the new female disciples will just have to retire: maybe some of them will take up religion instead."

male nuns

Late news - men admitted to the nunhood. Washroom arrangements under negotiation.


  1. When the lord called men only he didn't really mean that. He just didn't think about it. This explains the true interpretation of the rationale. In fact, the apostles forgot also and their successors for two thousand years. Talk about forgetfulness!

  2. In ecclesiastical sociology we talk about the "glass vault" phenomenon that hinders women's upward mobility in the church.

  3. One really couldn't make this up, could one ?

  4. Why would anyone want to pose for a picture that makes them look even weirder than their elementary school photo from the Seventies?

    1. That IS their elementary school photo from the Seventies !!!
      (nice colours, though).

    2. The weirdness is scary, almost clown like.

  5. The Devil enjoys a good laugh as he does his evil work.

  6. Sister Arrabiata of the Gaia - the noted feminist theologian and part-time bus driver – maintains that at least one Apostle was feminine.

    Quoting St. John, she notes “Judas…carried the purse and the things that were put therein.” [most likely makeup - henna and such. - Ed.]

    Closer to our day, Sister asserts that the song “Hey Jude” is a coded reference to the Apostlette Juda and that Dan Brown agrees.

    What further need have we of proof?

  7. Dear Sir,

    Your sarcastic remarks about women bishops are entirely misplaced. Here in Tunbridge Wells, where 63% of the population are now members of ACTA (coloured pink on the attached pie chart), the majority of shoppers on a Saturday morning in Marks & Spencer's food hall said they would prefer women bishops to Christians (74%, coloured purple on the Cornish pasty chart). Many other respondents to our questionnaire said they would be happy with Joan the Wod as their bishop. (See the 6% coloured green on the Cornish piskie chart.)

    Yours etc.,
    Rear Admiral Norris Fordyce,
    ACTA Navigation and Sea Charts Secretary

  8. St Peter is a traditionalist? I knew he wasn't to be trusted!

  9. While the General Synod was debating women bishops, David Cameron promised Sir Tony Baldry, on the floor of the House of Commons, that the rules would be changed so as to fast-track them into the House of Lords.

    Was that because either the Prime Minister of his questioner looked forward to the robustly orthodox critique of everything from same-sex marriage to the Bedroom Tax?

    Or was it because they both looked forward to a reversion to the well-meaning but ineffective liberal outrage of the 1980s, only half-diagnosing the symptoms of economic, social, cultural and political evils, while entirely unable to diagnose their causes, and while barely even thinking about what the treatments for either might be?

    Some provinces of the Anglican Communion, plus a few American and Australian dioceses, were founded by Evangelicals. In various ways, it still shows.

    Some provinces of the Anglican Communion, plus a few American and Australian dioceses, were founded by Anglo-Catholics. In various ways, it still shows.

    But the American Episcopalians were founded as an expression of the same eighteenth-century Rationalism that produced the American Republic. In various ways, it still shows.

    And the Church of England was founded by Henry VIII. In various ways, it still shows.

    A great, if idiosyncratic, Anglican liberal once said that whoever married the Spirit of the Age would be a widow in the next. But the Church of England has always been married to the widow next door, she's been married seven times before.

    1. If one mixed "The Spirit of The Age" with "The Spirit of Vatican II", would one get "High Octane Nonsense" ?

  10. Darling eccles, next up will be 'sin no longer a sin'', becos that's not 'loving' - after all, why hate poor old sin? xx Jess