Westboro Baptist Church Ecumenical Events

My fellow saved Baptists,

This week sees a truly solemn occasion, the funeral of the actor Robin Williams. In a spirit of ecumenism we shall be sending representatives along to the event, with a message of condolence: "Burn in Hell you rotten faggot". As you may know, our researches have shown that Mr Williams led a double life as a homosexual club-owner, until he was exposed in a film called The Birdcage. Our investigations have also shown that he used to infiltrate himself into people's houses as a transvestite housekeeper - an activity specifically forbidden in the book of Leviticus.

Hell has a special circle for transvestite housekeepers.

Looking further ahead, we are starting to think of Christmas. Yes, it's the Panto season, and this year the Khilafa Players have promised us a real treat - Aladdin and his Magic Lamp! We shall be sending a party along to the first night at the Alhambra Theatre, and we're all looking forward to seeing Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi in the role of Widow Twanky. When he comes on we shall arise as one - though there may be as many as two of us - and burn down the theatre, for GOD HATES PANTOMIME DAMES. They stimulate unnatural carnal desires, don't they? Well, they did in Pastor Fred Phelps, bless his memory.

A source of unnatural carnal desires.

Finally, we are already making plans for next Lent, when the Westboro Episcopalian Church, St Thomas Cromwell's, will be putting on a passion play. This is going to portray several EVIL characters, and so we shall be involved in the production in a generally offensive capacity. For example, JUDAS - although non-Baptists love him - was a ROTTEN SKUNK, so any actor who attempts to portray him on stage had better watch out. Worse than Judas was PETER - who some say was the first pope, i.e., a CATHOLIC, i.e., worse even than FAGS! When Peter comes on he'd better watch out for hisses, boos, and a shower of rotten tomatoes!

Actually, there's nobody here that we Westboro Baptists can approve of!

Death to the infidel! And that means anyone who wasn't in church this morning!

Jim Phelps (Pastor),
The Impossible Mission,
Westboro.

Design your own Pope!

The rules are simple. Arrange the following eight qualities in order of importance, and the Ecclestron^TM computer will find you a Holy Father that matches your choice!

A. Infallible

B. Invisible

C. Inscrutable

D. Incorrigible

E. Indefatigable

F. Impossible

G. Indomitable

H. Inflatable

Warning: these pictures were posed by models, and not all of them are popes.

The qualities currently preferred, according to a poll organized by ACTA, are papal invisibility, incorrigibility and inflatability. Whereas those dreadful traddies prefer infallibility, indomitability and indefatigability.

NO 3: the Liturgy of the Word

Continued from Part 2.

This is the third instalment of our guide to some of the delightful things you may expect to see in the Ordinary Form Mass. It's time for the Liturgy of the Word, and today we're sending all the children out into the church hall so that they can receive their own instruction, while the grown-ups get a slightly more advanced version.

This Sunday we have the story of St Peter in prison, so the little darlings are going to draw a picture of him.

St Peter in prison, by Phil Evans (age 6).

For the grown-ups we have three readings, concluding with the Gospel, and then we come to the most exciting bit of all, the homily or sermon. Settle down, now, and let's see what spiritual delights are on offer.

I think I'll turn my hearing aid off now.

Now there are three options for the homily, and you may experience any of these.

1. The Bishop's Letter. Once a month +Fred sends out a letter to be read by all parishes. Bishops are often quite intelligent people, so this may be the best option - but if you're unlucky it will be about +Fred's holiday at the seaside: "I was walking along the beach at Hunstanton, and I thought of Jesus, who also used to go to the seaside, although it was at Galilee, and they didn't have seaside rock and donkey rides."

The Sea of Galilee - no candy floss available.

More likely, the bishop will impress you with his learning. "I was reminded of the words of Chesterton, who quoted Aquinas as pointing out that St Matthew had reported Our Lord as saying 'Lo! The people have no candy floss.'..."

2. The priest makes up a homily himself. This can be very good, or it can be very bad. At least if he's reading his own words the priest won't roll his eyes and talk in a silly voice.

3. Worst of all, you may just get: "One of our parishioners, Antonia Flannery, has recently been to India for three months, helping in a hospital there, and she's going to tell us of her experiences."

So Antonia tells you all about the hardships in Indian hospitals, where they don't have all the NHS facilities such as managers, equality and diversity coordinators, health and safety officers, etc. and have to make do with doctors and nurses.

Oh good, Antonia's going to show us her holiday snaps.

Antonia went to Mass in India, but it was in Tamil so she didn't understand much. Do NOT at this point shout out "Why didn't you go to a Latin Mass?"

All too soon, the homily is over, we say the Creed (Nicene if there's time, Apostles' if the priest thinks we're running late). There's a bit in the book about bowing when we talk about the Incarnation; don't do that, as you'll probably be the only one, and people will look at you wondering whether you've just had a heart attack.

Well, that's about it for the Liturgy of the Word, so let's welcome back the children with their pictures of St Peter in prison.

Now, Daryl, how did St Peter get out of prison? 
DID HE DIG A TUNNEL?
No, Daryl, try again. Didn't God send someone to rescue him?
OH YES I SAW THAT, IT WAS MISSION IMPOSSIBLE. ST JOHN PUT ON A 
RUBBER FACE MASK AND IMPERSONATED THE GUARD.
No, Daryl you imbecile. You weren't paying attention.

Mission Impossible - St Andrew infiltrates the prison.

Eventually, you do get some meaningful responses from the children, and the Mass continues. More next time.