It's all right, my friends really are priests!
Apparently the bartender became suspicious when one of the priests, known only as "Jim", began to tell people that "gay" sex was just fine, and anyone who disagreed with him was a dirty pervert. Also, he claimed, his fellow-Jesuits, bishops, and some of the cardinals agreed with him. He explained that he had prayed a lot, and God had told him "Nice work, Jim! I couldn't have put it better Myself! LOVE the 'bridges' bit!"
The priest then broke into a chorus of "Glad to be gay," and slumped under the table, sobbing into his crème de menthe.
Luckily, nobody spotted this rather obvious hen party!
The bartender - an otherwise unemployable theology graduate - had attempted to engage the party of priests in serious religious discussions, with reference to the Bible, the Catholic Catechism, the writings of 200 popes, St Ignatius, etc. but all that the priests could say was "**** all that, this is the new age of Mercy!"
He therefore concluded that they could not possibly be real priests, and attempted to eject them all, including an overweight fellow called "Rosie". However, he was later persuaded that they were from the new order of secularist priests - good friends of Pope Francis - and permitted them to stay.
"I was truly shocked by their behaviour!!??" said Sister Judy Piranha (L) of the Nuns for Naughtiness.
The Choco-Luther (© Fr Ray Blake). Hard for some Catholics to swallow.
In addition to the Luther statue, which Pope Francis will put in a position of honour next to his personal statue of Hans Küng, the Holy Father has been given a copy of the 95 theses of Luther. Fortunately they do not criticise Amoris Laetitia directly - since to do that is nowadays the only sin recognized by the Vatican. They do claim that the Pope is the Anti-Christ, but then so do some traditional Catholic bloggers.
"These theses say that the pope is totally confused. How did they know?"
If the canonization of Luther turns out to be a popular move, then there is a queue of other great religious thinkers awaiting their haloes. This includes Buddha, Mohammed, Henry VIII, and Ian Paisley. For we must remember that all people are saved and Hell was closed down as part of the Vatican II reforms. However, the case of G.K. Chesterton will not be considered. Ever.
Other churches have declared themselves open to dialogue with Pope Francis.
Eric Idle. Obviously an expert on the morality of killing people.
As many will remember, the prime mover for the "Why can't people be bumped off?" campaign is Lord Falconer. Note that a falconer is one who has control of a certain bird of prey, which is used to kill off weaker creatures - sorry, "assist weaker creatures to die" - and it is possible that Charlie Falconer is merely reverting to the traditions of his ancestors.
Set phasers on "assisted dying"! Patrick Stewart joins the campaign.
Of course, not all the signatories to the Telegraph letter are actors. Oddly, Stephen Fry is absent (which must automatically invalidate the list). Some of them are very eminent: one signs himself as Lord Rees of Ludlow OM, so that you know that he is a Very Important Person indeed, and not just any common or garden Lord Rees who wouldn't know one end of a telescope from the other. The fact that Martin Rees knows his Mars from his Albireo means that we should take his opinions on assisted dying more seriously than those of a man with no telescope. Lord May of Oxford OM, who has been Chief Scientific Adviser to the UK Government (yes, one man who knows all the science there is to know), is another who was wearing his "I've got an OM" tee-shirt when he signed the letter.
.jpg)
Lord Rees of Ludlow OM demonstrates the use of a telescope by putting it to his ear.
Fortunately, there appear to be no Catholics signing this infamous letter with the stench of death about it - how nice to be able to praise Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O'Connor for being a wise and moral Christian! There is one senior but retired Anglican who - as is well known - has gone over to the dark side: namely, the Humpty-Dumpty lookalike, George Carey. O George, time for a refresher course in Christian morality, you poor deluded buffoon. We've done this before, but this picture is worth another airing.
George Carey dresses up as the Angel of Death.
Jesus of Nazareth declared himself "very disappointed" today, when His twelve disciples voted by a large majority to admit an extra dozen women to their number.
Why should the men get all the best vestments?
In spite of an impassioned speech by Christ, explaining why His Father had instituted an all-male priesthood, and why He was carrying on this tradition, strong opposition came from several of the more liberal apostles.
Said St Andrew, the Scottish disciple, "Och, ya ken, ah see nothin' wrang wi' the ordination of ladies. They wear skirts just like the laddies do."
A more intellectual argument was put forward by St John, who said, "In this modern day and age it is important that Christians do not stand out from members of the general public, who might otherwise regard us as 'weird'. What women want from the Church is a well-defined career structure, with promotion on merit, and eventually the possibility of a managerial role."
An applicant for the post of Bishop of Bethany.
This is not the first time that the disciples have voted on the issue, and indeed last year they decided against creating women apostles. However, after King "Dave" Herod told them that they had produced the wrong answer, and that they must go away and vote again until they got it right, the eventual decision was never in doubt.
St Peter, generally regarded as something of a traditionalist with ties to Rome, was philosophical about the whole affair. "We'll be making this vote an annual event, and it might go the other way next year. If so, then I'm afraid the new female disciples will just have to retire: maybe some of them will take up religion instead."
Late news - men admitted to the nunhood. Washroom arrangements under negotiation.
