Pope to ask CDF about the history of trolling

Pope Francis has said that the historical role of trolls in the Catholic Church needs to be clarified, and he will ask the Congregation of the Doctrine of the Faith what is known.

The Pope told a meeting - not held on an aeroplane, for reasons unexplained - that the people described as trolls in the New Testament were mostly interested in inventing new interpretations of scripture, proposing new doctrine, and harassing the faithful.

Fr James Martin and Fr Thomas Rosica demonstrate what deaconesses might look like.

In the Acts of the Apostles, there is an explicit mention of trolls, as follows:

1. And there came unto Paul a troll, whose name was James, saying "Let us hear women preach in church."

2. "For then they can tell us their experiences during the Mass."

3. "For would it not be more fun to hear from Tina the Batty about her holiday in Corinth and her unusual ailments, than from Peter, with his perpetual droning on about Christ's teaching?"

4. Then Paul said, "No, actually, it would not. Do not be silly."

5. And James cried out, "Woe is me, for I have unleashed a torrent of misogyny!"

6. But Paul replied, "Actually, nearly all the women here seem to agree with me. Perchance they are misogynists too?"

The role of the troll in Church history is well-documented.

In 2001, the International Theological Commission, which advises the CDF, concluded that trolls in history were not normally allowed to serve as priests. Their usual function was to assist at baptisms, by hiding under bridges and jumping out at people.

Although some exceptions have slipped through, trolls are still generally forbidden from serving as priests in the Catholic Church. In extreme cases, they are silenced and never heard of again - as in the case of Tony Flannery (see his articles in Trolls and Trollmen and the Tablet, his speech to the Ballydancer Peat Farmers, and his latest book This is my final word on the subject until tomorrow).

Although Pope Francis's Jesuit training means that he is programmed never to give a straight answer to any question, commentators are not expecting Catholic teaching on trolls to change.

A distinguished theologian threatens his enemies with mercy.

Pope canonizes Laurel and Hardy

Although all eyes are on Rome this weekend for the canonization of Popes John XXIII and John-Paul II, we have learned that Pope Francis has just recognized another pair of saints by telephone.

"It says 'If you wish to change Catholic teaching, press 1...'"

Apparently a lady in Argentina wrote to the pope, saying how much she admired Laurel and Hardy, and he telephoned her to tell her that from now on they were saints - St Stanley and St Oliver.

The miracle of the raising of the piano.

Although it is unusual for popes to make infallible statements by telephone, "instant canonizations" are not without precedent - Our Lord Himself chose twelve disciples for fast-track canonization, although in the end only eleven of them passed the course.

St Stan and St Ollie are among the more amusing people to have been canonized, although it is generally accepted that they may hold a second-rate status among saints. There are precedents for this.

I'm St James the Less. And yes, this does give me an inferiority complex.

It is hoped that this new announcement will not be a distraction from the canonizations of the two popes, which is expected to be a much more spectacular event, with liturgical dancing, Pinocchio puppets, and a mad woman from the Tablet rushing in to say "STOP!" This will be followed by a state banquet for the 5,000 celebrity guests, consisting of loaves and fishes. Pope Francis himself is said to be worried by the expenses, saying "Couldn't I have done all this by telephone?"

Well, here's another nice Mass you've gotten me into!