Pope Francis sets up commission on slavery

Pope Francis has appointed twelve people to a commission to study the issue of slaves (both male and female), particularly their ministry in the early Church. This commission has been set up as a result of pressure from the International Union of Superior People, an organization that has long been campaigning for a return to the traditional arrangements seen in the early church. They mention, in particular, the epistle of Paul to Philemon, where Onesimus, a runaway slave, is returned to his master.

Roman slaves - doing the jobs that even deacons wouldn't touch.

Originally, it was expected that the commission would look into the role of "deaconesses" or "deaconettes" in the early church, but five minutes of research made it clear that they were nothing like the present-day deacons, being merely superior servants, and that their restoration would do nothing for the cause of women's ordination. It was therefore decided to broaden the remit of the commission.

How it will look - slaves attending Phyllis Zagano.

Fr James Martin SJ, a prominent Jesuit and inventor of Catholic teaching, has declared himself delighted with this "slavery" commission. "You don't understand how hard it is for priests to operate without the help of slaves," he explained. "For example, Fr Thomas Reese SJ has to darn his own Hillary Clinton underpants. If we can get back to a proper system of slavery, then this will give us all more time for the things that really matter, such as appearing on television shows."

"We need an Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion. Which of you is it to be?"

Although slavery has been condemned several times by the Catholic Church, this was almost entirely before Vatican II, when all the rules changed. In this era, when migrants are anxious to enter the more developed countries of Europe and America, the Church is hoping to give a hand by bringing them in as slaves. Furthermore, in parishes where finances are hard, the priest's team of slaves can be hired out to the public for other jobs requiring unskilled labour, such as traffic warden, call-centre worker, or preacher at the local Anglican church.

Pope to ask CDF about the history of trolling

Pope Francis has said that the historical role of trolls in the Catholic Church needs to be clarified, and he will ask the Congregation of the Doctrine of the Faith what is known.

The Pope told a meeting - not held on an aeroplane, for reasons unexplained - that the people described as trolls in the New Testament were mostly interested in inventing new interpretations of scripture, proposing new doctrine, and harassing the faithful.

Fr James Martin and Fr Thomas Rosica demonstrate what deaconesses might look like.

In the Acts of the Apostles, there is an explicit mention of trolls, as follows:

1. And there came unto Paul a troll, whose name was James, saying "Let us hear women preach in church."

2. "For then they can tell us their experiences during the Mass."

3. "For would it not be more fun to hear from Tina the Batty about her holiday in Corinth and her unusual ailments, than from Peter, with his perpetual droning on about Christ's teaching?"

4. Then Paul said, "No, actually, it would not. Do not be silly."

5. And James cried out, "Woe is me, for I have unleashed a torrent of misogyny!"

6. But Paul replied, "Actually, nearly all the women here seem to agree with me. Perchance they are misogynists too?"

The role of the troll in Church history is well-documented.

In 2001, the International Theological Commission, which advises the CDF, concluded that trolls in history were not normally allowed to serve as priests. Their usual function was to assist at baptisms, by hiding under bridges and jumping out at people.

Although some exceptions have slipped through, trolls are still generally forbidden from serving as priests in the Catholic Church. In extreme cases, they are silenced and never heard of again - as in the case of Tony Flannery (see his articles in Trolls and Trollmen and the Tablet, his speech to the Ballydancer Peat Farmers, and his latest book This is my final word on the subject until tomorrow).

Although Pope Francis's Jesuit training means that he is programmed never to give a straight answer to any question, commentators are not expecting Catholic teaching on trolls to change.

A distinguished theologian threatens his enemies with mercy.