This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Saturday, 26 April 2014

Pope canonizes Laurel and Hardy

Although all eyes are on Rome this weekend for the canonization of Popes John XXIII and John-Paul II, we have learned that Pope Francis has just recognized another pair of saints by telephone.

pope Francis telephones

"It says 'If you wish to change Catholic teaching, press 1...'"

Apparently a lady in Argentina wrote to the pope, saying how much she admired Laurel and Hardy, and he telephoned her to tell her that from now on they were saints - St Stanley and St Oliver.

Laurel and Hardy with piano

The miracle of the raising of the piano.

Although it is unusual for popes to make infallible statements by telephone, "instant canonizations" are not without precedent - Our Lord Himself chose twelve disciples for fast-track canonization, although in the end only eleven of them passed the course.

St Stan and St Ollie are among the more amusing people to have been canonized, although it is generally accepted that they may hold a second-rate status among saints. There are precedents for this.

I'm St James the Less. And yes, this does give me an inferiority complex.

It is hoped that this new announcement will not be a distraction from the canonizations of the two popes, which is expected to be a much more spectacular event, with liturgical dancing, Pinocchio puppets, and a mad woman from the Tablet rushing in to say "STOP!" This will be followed by a state banquet for the 5,000 celebrity guests, consisting of loaves and fishes. Pope Francis himself is said to be worried by the expenses, saying "Couldn't I have done all this by telephone?"

another nice Mass

Well, here's another nice Mass you've gotten me into!


  1. Darling eccles, I supose we should be glad that there is no phone reception in sheds? xx Jess

  2. Another nice lady in Argentina told the Pope she admired the Marx Brothers, so he instantly canonised Karl instead of Groucho. A Vatican spokesman said, "We no longer comment on the Holy Father's phone calls. He pays his own phone bill."

    1. Is it true that they have cut off his telephone access?

  3. The NO version is conanisation which is more creative. Pope Francis has now done over 800 of these because the changes in 1984 allow fast-tracking; stream-lining and wool-pulling ones. They have abolished the Devil advocating against conanisations as he goes along with most of them these days. His predecessor did 888 funnily enough - sts and btfcns, while good old anthropological phenomenologist JPII did over 400 plus 1300 or so btfcns. John was so good he didn't even need a miracle to pass. So, the standard has gone down. You can also be ecumenical, interconfessional, praise voodoo, have dung smeared on your forehead, have fun with B'nai B'rth, freemasons, rabbis and rock stars and also you can embrace false scriptures in public or have buddhas all over the altar. These are signs of inner holiness. Good luck with the next 1000 coming up this year.

  4. I'm looking forward to Ss Sonny and Cher. I got you, babe.