"It says 'If you wish to change Catholic teaching, press 1...'"
Apparently a lady in Argentina wrote to the pope, saying how much she admired Laurel and Hardy, and he telephoned her to tell her that from now on they were saints - St Stanley and St Oliver.
The miracle of the raising of the piano.
Although it is unusual for popes to make infallible statements by telephone, "instant canonizations" are not without precedent - Our Lord Himself chose twelve disciples for fast-track canonization, although in the end only eleven of them passed the course.
St Stan and St Ollie are among the more amusing people to have been canonized, although it is generally accepted that they may hold a second-rate status among saints. There are precedents for this.
I'm St James the Less. And yes, this does give me an inferiority complex.
It is hoped that this new announcement will not be a distraction from the canonizations of the two popes, which is expected to be a much more spectacular event, with liturgical dancing, Pinocchio puppets, and a mad woman from the Tablet rushing in to say "STOP!" This will be followed by a state banquet for the 5,000 celebrity guests, consisting of loaves and fishes. Pope Francis himself is said to be worried by the expenses, saying "Couldn't I have done all this by telephone?"
Well, here's another nice Mass you've gotten me into!