Bearding the Muslim in his lair

The suggestion by Richard Chartres, Anglican bishop of London, that growing beards can help vicars reach out to Muslims has been eagerly taken up by clerics everywhere. Male and female, vicars have stopped shaving, or, where necessary, rushed off to joke shops to buy Muslim-friendly false beards.

Richard Chartres is not shaved, only Eccles is shaved.

Curiously, this ties in with the experience of St Wilgefortis, a medieval noblewoman who managed to avoid an unwanted marriage by growing a beard. History does not record whether she later managed to reach out to Muslims.

Lovely Wilgefortis.

For us, it is not clear what happens when a vicar "reaches out" to a Muslim. Does the Muslim think "Hmm, Christians are just like us. Time to stop reading the Koran and study Giles Fraser's hard-hitting How to be a Christian without believing very much"? Yes, that must be it. Ayatollah El-Vees at the Guitar Mosque will see congregations dropping as Father Trendy packs the Muslims into his 10 a.m. "Clowns and hoverboards" Mass.

The Rev. Kate Bottley, the "dancing vicar", gets evangelising.

Well, we are all for convertng the Muslims, as it's pretty clear that they've got things wrong from beginning to end. Now is surely the time for Pope Francis to grow a beard - our extensive researches (clicking on Wikipedia) have revealed that the last bearded pope was Innocent XII, who died in 1700, and even his beard wasn't enough to reach out to many Muslims.

Pope Innocent XII. Not exactly a Rowan Williams, or even a Brian Blessed.

Over to you, Holy Father!

Persecuted Archbishop told to "grow up"

Rowan Williams, the former Archbishop of Canterbury, was today told to "grow up" and stop moaning about feeling "mildly uncomfortable".

Thou writest bitter things against me. Job 13:26

After saying a few daft things trivialising the difficulties suffered by faithful Christians in modern Britain (e.g. the loss of their jobs), Archbishop Williams has received a hail of abuse, insults and invective, both on Twitter and on the blogs. Although he is very distressed by this, it has been pointed out to him that his sufferings are minor compared with those of some former Archbishops of Canterbury.

Cranmer. Called "beardie" by his enemies. Also burnt to death.

Archbishop Cranmer himself was very unpopular in his time. Although he became a fellow of Magdalene College, Cambridge, he never made it to Master, probably because of his silly beard, for which he was remorselessly mocked. "Oh look, it's that leftie druid chap," said the Cambridge students as he walked through the town. In the end he had to go.

Thomas Becket - the authorities said he was a liberal.

Thomas Becket was another occupant of the see of Canterbury who was roundly abused on the Internet (or Plantaga-net as it was called in those days). Although his beard was not widely criticised in contemporary blogs, he was described as "turbulent" by a very senior member of the government (Henry II), and it was not long before he lost his position.

So those who are saying to Rowan Williams, "Chin up! Bear your sufferings like a man!" are probably only being fair. These days, the life of an Archbishop in modern Britain is relatively comfortable, and the persecution he suffers is insignificant.

A home for retired archbishops.