Pope decides to Build Back Better

We thought at first it was simply a tweet from whoever manages Pope Francis's Twitter account (believed to be a teenager on work experience, judging by the quality of the tweets), but no, it appeared on the Vatican's own site.

The theme of this year's celebration is “Building Back Better: Toward a Disability-inclusive, Accessible and Sustainable post-COVID-19 World”. I find the expression “building back better” quite striking. It makes me think of the Gospel parable of the house built on rock or sand (cf. Mt 7:24-27; Lk 6:46-49). So I take this special occasion to share some reflections based on that parable.

Unfortunately, to everyone else in the world "Build Back Better" means something else. It is associated with the United Nations, the World Economic Forum, and even Joe Biden's election compaign.

Ernst Stavro Blofeld Klaus Schwab - tipped to become a cardinal any time soon.

Yes, all the most powerful creatures in the world - Bill Gates, George Soros, Klaus Schwab, even Joe Biden's dog - all agree that we must Build Back Better.

Of course, this is not the first time that Pope Francis has appropriated a political slogan for his own purposes. Previous Vatican "themes" have been "Yes, we can!" and "Feel the Berg!" not to mention "Francis has a plan for that!" and "Best Pope Money Can't Buy" (this last one is no longer used, following negotiations with China).

Top Catholic Joe Biden refutes claims that he hasn't got a leg to stand on.

So what is in store for the Catholic Church when it participates in the Great Reset? God's Own Great Reset is believed to involve a return to the book of Genesis - drop each person into a garden containing an apple tree and a malicious snake. Those who don't eat the apple go to Heaven, those who do go to Hell. But Pope Francis has other plans.

As Job 1:21 points out, Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away. Well, the Great Reset does not involve stealing everyone's clothes - although several prominent cardinals thought that this would be an interesting feature - but it doesn involve taking away everyone's money.

In the future society based on Brave New World / 1984 / Fahrenheit 451 / choose your own dystopia, but perhaps Austen Ivereigh's new book about the Pope will count, everyone will remain at home all day. No more public worship, nothing but staring at a telescreen all day long, no bars, no shopping, just daily deliveries of low-fat vegan climate-friendly chemically synthesised food. It's better! It's Better! It's BETTER!

How to Build Back Better.

Satan complains, "I really exist."

The Father of Lies - no, I don't mean a certain New York Jesuit - is an avid reader of this blog (it is part of the eternal torment to which he is condemned); now we are privileged to be the first to publish a statement from him, furiously denying the claims of Fr Arturo Sosa SJ, the Big Cheese of the Jesuits, that he is merely a "symbolic reality".

"After all I've done for mankind, and this includes the Jesuits, in leading them into eternal damnation, it is a great insult to be labelled a mere 'personification of evil'. Think of all I've achieved in the past - tempting Adam and Eve, prowling around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour, making Job's life a misery, the Temptations in the Wilderness, perverting Judas Iscariot (a nice innocent lad until he met me)... Then there's all the influence I've had since then, most recently on my good friends Hitler, Stalin and Mao. Oh and Tony Blair. You'd expect some sort of gratitude, but No! I am reduced to a mere abstraction!"

"Here's me, smiting Job with boils."

As usual, Mr Satan is not telling the whole story. It is part of the job description of Top Jesuit that you should issue heresy on a regular basis: in Sosa's case, he started well by saying that we could not trust Jesus's words because they weren't spoken into a tape-recorder, and besides, all contemporary videos were made using Betamax not VHS, so are now impossible to watch. Following this up with a denial of the reality of Satan has won Sosa praise from Jesuits worldwide, and guarantees him a second term as president of the Jesuits when the elections come.

A Venezuelan football player (with tape-recorder) gives a Sosa impersonation.

Mr Satan has promised to put Sosa straight on his misconceptions: "I'm expecting to see him soon - we have plenty of Jesuits down here, so he won't feel out of place - and then I can show him which of us is a symbolic reality!"

Is sin objectively disordered or just differently ordered?

Is bonkers heretic ought Martin laicised who James SJ completely a be to!

At first sight that sentence doesn't make much sense, and some old-fashioned readers might even say that it was out of order - disordered, even. But no, according to modern Catholic thinking it is merely differently ordered, and that is just as good!

Haterf Mesaj Irantm JS (a man in Holy Disorders).

We don't talk about Good and Evil, or Sin, any more. In the New Jesuit Bible "The wages of sin is death" becomes "The wages of being differently ordered is a nice job in Rome." Likewise, "Deliver us from evil" becomes "Let us be accepted as differently ordered."

We all love Fr James Martin LBGTSJ, the Pope's special adviser on comedy, morality, and theology; writer of as many books as Dan Brown (although they are not as spiritually nourishing, I'm afraid). We are grateful to sunny Jim for changing the vocabulary of modern religion.

We don't say "Tidy your room," we say "How nice, it's differently ordered."

Let's have some more wisdom from the New Jesuit Bible. Job's "God has turned me over to the ungodly and thrown me into the clutches of the wicked" is certainly not merciful, indeed it is disgustingly judgemental. It now becomes "God has introduced me to some rather charming Jesuits, who are teaching me a differently ordered lifestyle."

One final example from the Book of Proverbs: "A false witness will not go unpunished, and whoever pours out lies will perish." Fr James and his team find this passage particularly offensive, and have rendered it as "There is no such thing as objective truth, merely a differently ordered presentation of the facts. This is perfectly fine with us."

A differently-ordered Heaven awaits us!

How to understand atheists

Broadly speaking, there are three kinds of atheists: trolls, obsessives, and ignorant people. Curiously, most of them use the same catchphrases when debating, so it is not always easy to tell them apart. Having encountered a few of them yesterday, I think I am ready to explain how we more intelligent and well-informed people can help them.

You believe in sky fairies!

Mentioning "sky fairies" or "invisible friends" is a sure sign of a troll who has made no attempt to understand what it is that Christians believe in. Other good terms of abuse are "men in dresses" (actually, having gatecrashed the Vatican changing-rooms, I can reveal that most priests wear trousers under their vestments) and the old favourite "all made up by bronze-age goatherds", as if it were not possible for philosophers and goatherds to live at the same time. Remember, that Richard Dawkins wrote a thesis on the behaviour of chickens, and may thus be described as a plastic-age chicken-herd. That's him sorted.

"You believe in talking snakes."

The "talking snake" refutation of all Christian thinking goes as follows: "Snakes can't talk. Therefore the Bible is fiction. So Jesus never existed. I win."

Either your atheist has read the Bible as far as the Garden of Eden story and then stopped, or else has lifted this argument straight from the works of Richard Dawkins. It doesn't occur to him or her that a God who made Heaven and Earth could easily endow a snake with the power of speech (or perform any other miracle, such as the Virgin Birth). That's what omnipotence is all about, you see. Nor does it occur to him that it is not necessary to believe in the literal truth of the Genesis story to realise that it has a meaning. You know, the Fall of Man, that sort of thing.

Worse than that, your atheist believes that Christians DO NOT KNOW that snakes can't talk. Not being trained scientists (although many are), Christians are not able to understand this simple fact. It must be true that Augustine and Aquinas - of whom your atheist probably hasn't even heard - went through life talking to snakes and wondering why they didn't reply.

"Bad things happen. So God doesn't exist and I hate Him."

This is of course the "Stephen Fry" version of atheism. Stephen Fry is not entirely dim - a 2.1 from Cambridge must be nearly as good as a 2.1 from Oxford - but he does seem to be woefully ignorant. After a lifetime of reading quiz answers off little cards and getting an undeserved reputation for being the biggest genius who ever lived, Fry is apparently unable to deal with any concept that requires more than a little card to explain. Again, he thinks that nobody before him has ever worried about why God permits death and disease, or even about why He permits every single radio and television programme to be infested by a certain charmless bore who thinks bad language is funny.

"You eat shellfish, and so it's perfectly OK for me to have sex with anyone I wish.

Yes, it's another poorly-informed atheist, or maybe just a troll or an obsessive. No, Christians aren't bound by the dietary laws of Leviticus, they've been explicitly superseded by the New Covenant. Yes, murder, adultery, theft, and the like are still considered to be wrong. I don't think I can face explaining this one again: come back when you've read some of the New Testament.

An atheist (reading Eccles's blog, as it happens).

One final argument goes something like this: "All right, then. The Bible isn't historical, because all the people who contributed to it believed in God. Why don't we have some accounts of Jesus's life, death and resurrection written by eye-witnesses who were atheists? You suppressed those, didn't you?" Somehow, I think it's not really necessary to answer that one.

Job

Welcome back, class, to the Eccles Bible project, in which we explain Holy Scripture to atheists and any others who require spiritual nourishment. And it's a big welcome to one or two scholars that we don't remember seeing before. We have Russell Brand (put that phoney-woney away, boy - no nuisance calls in class, please), and a contingent of cardinals fresh from the Extraordinary Synod in Rome, sent here by Cardinal Burke for a refresher course: so hello to Walter Kasper, Reinhard Marx ("Rhino" of the famous Marx Brothers), and of course our dear friend Vincent Nichols!

Cheer up, Job! It could be worse!

Well, the basic idea of the book of Job is that s*** happens. Job is rich and prosperous, and a truly religious person. Satan asks, "What would he be like if we took everything from him?" God says "Let's find out." So Job loses his oxen, asses, camels, sheep, servants, sons and daughters - this is called down-sizing - and gets afflicted with boils. At this stage, he is not really enjoying life. "Let the day perish wherein I was born," he says.

So what do you do if things go wrong? Well, it's good to have friends - in Job's case Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite* and Zophar the Naamathite - who can come along and console you by saying. "You know, Job, it's your own fault really. You must be a dreadful sinner."

"Who was the shortest person in the Bible? Bildad, as he was only shoe-height."

It's all YOUR fault, Job.

Anyway, Job keeps moaning, with catchy lines such as "Man born of a woman, living for a short time, is filled with many miseries," so you can see that he is not looking on the bright side at this point. His friends continue to tell him "Serve you right. You're a great sinner. ROFL," and thus they get the somewhat exasperated response "You are all troublesome comforters."

Job sticks to his faith, in particular the idea that in the end God will make all things right. He gradually gets round to giving a little homily about wisdom - for one with a very grievous ulcer, from the sole of the foot even to the top of his head, he is still remarkably chatty - and he says some very sound things such as "Behold the fear of the Lord, that is wisdom: and to depart from evil, is understanding."

I can see that I'm losing my audience here: some of you don't believe in God, and others are quite happy to compromise with evil, eh, cardinals? Still, Job doesn't quite see it your way.

And after more of the same, God comes back.

Do you think there's someone outside?

God is not going to explain what's been going on, nor defend Himself. He makes the (if I may say so) very valid point that He (God) is infinitely wise and powerful, and Job is a mere human. "Canst thou draw out the leviathan with a hook, or canst thou tie his tongue with a cord?" asks God, and Job is fairly sure that he cannot.

The book has a happy ending, as God ticks off the three comforters and restores to Job his wealth, more than previously: namely, fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, a thousand yoke of oxen, and a thousand she-asses. He also has seven sons, and three daughters. Phew!

Job and his (apparently, rather musical) family.

It's a good book to read if you're feeling depressed. Class dismissed.

Persecuted Archbishop told to "grow up"

Rowan Williams, the former Archbishop of Canterbury, was today told to "grow up" and stop moaning about feeling "mildly uncomfortable".

Thou writest bitter things against me. Job 13:26

After saying a few daft things trivialising the difficulties suffered by faithful Christians in modern Britain (e.g. the loss of their jobs), Archbishop Williams has received a hail of abuse, insults and invective, both on Twitter and on the blogs. Although he is very distressed by this, it has been pointed out to him that his sufferings are minor compared with those of some former Archbishops of Canterbury.

Cranmer. Called "beardie" by his enemies. Also burnt to death.

Archbishop Cranmer himself was very unpopular in his time. Although he became a fellow of Magdalene College, Cambridge, he never made it to Master, probably because of his silly beard, for which he was remorselessly mocked. "Oh look, it's that leftie druid chap," said the Cambridge students as he walked through the town. In the end he had to go.

Thomas Becket - the authorities said he was a liberal.

Thomas Becket was another occupant of the see of Canterbury who was roundly abused on the Internet (or Plantaga-net as it was called in those days). Although his beard was not widely criticised in contemporary blogs, he was described as "turbulent" by a very senior member of the government (Henry II), and it was not long before he lost his position.

So those who are saying to Rowan Williams, "Chin up! Bear your sufferings like a man!" are probably only being fair. These days, the life of an Archbishop in modern Britain is relatively comfortable, and the persecution he suffers is insignificant.

A home for retired archbishops.

Chalk and cheese to be equal

Chalk - an excellent source of protein.

Chalk-eaters were celebrating this evening as the House of Commons voted for an Equal Nutrition bill, which would give chalk the same status as cheese.

Supporters of the Let's eat chalk campaign, which include such well-respected religious figures as Tina Beattie and Giles Fraser, explained that the Bible's bigoted attitude was inappropriate for the 21st century.

Said one campaigner: "We refuse to accept chalkophobic passages, such as the following from Isaiah 27:9: When he maketh all the stones of the altar as chalkstones that are beaten in sunder, the groves and images shall not stand up. Why is it not the cheesestones that are beaten in sunder, eh?"

"Hast thou not poured me out as milk, and curdled me like cheese?" (Job 10:10)

Another well-known Biblical figure who refused to eat chalk was celebrity moaner Job, who regularly expressed totally unacceptable chalkophobic sentiments, as above.

As Giles Fraser points out, Jesus never explicitly condemned the eating of chalk, and therefore it must be morally correct to serve it to children.

On the other side of the debate, some bigoted people have been fighting to maintain the traditional views of nutrition. "Family life hinges on the fact that children are fed proper food, such as cheese, and not a distorted calcareous diet," said one MP (to cries of "bigot"). "Moreover, if you are going to allow chalk to be fed to children, then why not chlorate?" he continued.

Chlorate. Almost the same as chalk and cheese.

Apart from (possibly) Peter Tatchell, few people have asked for chlorate to be given equal status with cheese as a source of protein, but opponents of the Equal Nutrition Bill say that it can only be a matter of time before it will be compulsorily served at school dinners.

Prime Minister David Cameron has announced a "quadruple lock" to protect faith schools from being forced to serve chalk for lunch; however, it has been pointed out that a quadruple lock is very easy to undo if you have one simple piece of equipment.

Four keys.

Genuine book reviews

These book reviews of Eccles's new book How to be a saved pusson were written by the people indicated, and no sockpuppets were used. Honest.

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Job

1. And the Lord spake unto Job, saying, "Job, my good servant, thou hast suffered many tribulations. Here is a wondrous book by Eccles, that thou mayest read. Hopefully it will comfort thee in thy woe."

2. And Job took the book and said unto himself "Lo! It is a jolly good read. I shall tell all my friends in the Old Testament, that they may also profit from it."

3. But, as he was reading the wise words of Eccles, an angel knocked at the door, and caused Job to drop the book. It fell out of his hands and landed on his toe.

4. And the toe of Job swelled up, and caused unto him grievous pain. Yeah, it was ready to fall off completely.

5. And Job cursed, saying, "It goeth to be one of those days again, doth it not?"

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Dr Samuel Johnson

I [Boswell] shewed unto Dr Johnson a new book that had arrived that very day, penned by the hand of one Eccles. "I know not the writer," said the Doctor. "Read me some of his words."

I read to him the passage in which Eccles told the story of his Australian aunt, she who had complained about possums knocking over a pile of tin cans in her garden.

"This Eccles is indeed a wise writer," said the Doctor. "He sayeth non possum, while his aunt says possum. But she sayeth I can while her very cans are disordered."

We all laughed merrily at the doctor's brilliant remarks, and I undertook to publish them on my blog.

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St John the Evangelist

1. And this is the testimony of Eccles, when the Jews sent from Jerusalem priests and Levites to him, to ask him: Who art thou?

2. And he confessed, and did not deny: and he confessed: I am not the Christ.

3.And they asked him: What then? Art thou Damian Thompson? And he said: I am not. Art thou Pope Benedict? And he answered: No.

4. They said therefore unto him: Who art thou, that we may give an answer to them that sent us? What sayest thou of thyself?

5. He said: I am the voice of a saved person blogging in the wilderness. And all who read my blog shall be slightly saved too.

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William Shakespeare

From This one's a waste of time as well

KING: Tell me, fool, of what manner is this book of Eccles?

FOOL: Sire, it like unto the apple tree that grew in the Garden of Eden. For it contains all the knowledge of good and evil. Then again, it seemeth to me to resemble the golden hippopotamus of legend, that which floated on the breezes of the Hesperides and which led Orlando to destruction in the Pass of Roncesvalles.

KING: Which legend is that, fool? I know it not.

FOOL: Me neither, Sire, I was just testing thee. Still, 'tis an excellent goodly book, and containeth great wisdom.

Bosco got de plaque

In de Calumny Chappel we often has grate fun readin in de book of Exeters about de plaques of Egpyt, but I is very worried as I fink we has got dem too. It seems dat Jessus is tryin to tell us somefink, and I hope it aint de dread message "Bosco you aint saved. Off to de lake of fire wiv you!"

Actaully I fink it was a mistake of Bosco's to have de nubmer 666 tattoed on his arm, he said it was because Jessus had told him he was de 666th person in de history of de world to be saved. Here is a photo dat proves he got dis tatto.

De plaques started wiv de water turnin to blud. I turned on de tap and out come dis red stuff. Bosco's girlfiend Camila wiv de big teeth, she is delihgted of course (she says it is full of nutrimments). Also, Grate-Anti Moly says dat in Austriala she drinks from billabogs where de water quallity is very simillar, but Bosco and I aint so happy. Luckily after a few hours de water went back to normal, but now we has all got red shirts, cos de washin machine was on.

Dere is also a second plaque of Bosco, dat de Lord has inflicted. So maybe Bosco is like Jobb and dese are test of his great spiritaulity and goodness? Dis second plaque is frogs. Dey is everywhere, in Bosco's studdy where he writes his luvvly bloggs, in de bahtroom, in de beddrooms. We is gettin very tired of eatin "ciusse de grenioulle" (dat's French for frogs legs), and we still has all the rest of de frogs to use up.

Bosco is bearin dis matrydom very well. I hopes we dont get lice next, like in de book of Exeters, as I cant find any recippes for "ciusse de louse", and I fink only Anti Moly would eat dem anyway.

Here is a pitcher of a frogg dat Grate-Anti Moly is keepin as a pet. Dey say pets start to resebmle dere owners, and I fink dey is right.