All masses to be replaced by cartoons

After ticking off Catholics who object to church closures, sensitively labelling his flock as suffering from self-pity, Cardinal Vincent Nichols has announced the next stage in the transformation of the Catholic Church in England and Wales: from now on all livestreamed masses will be replaced by cartoons.

A new cartoon character, Vin the Red.

"There will be several advantages," explained his Eminence. "There is no need for social isolation of our clergy, as cartoon characters can approach each other without catching any illnesses. Also, we can show the cartoons over and over again, and edit them as we wish."

Cardinal Dolan, who recently whispered "I thought we were skipping these boring things" during a Mass, is anxious to adopt the same policy in New York, especially as he has himself long been regarded as a cartoon character.

"Dolans, meet the Dolans..."

It is clear that from now on churches will be competing to produce the most attractive cartoons. In the past, when the faithful had to get up and travel to a Mass, the choice was often rather limited. Now that we can dip into masses from Rome, London, New York, Paris, Beijing no not Beijing, the Amazon Jungle, ... whenever we wish, and sometimes switch from one to the other whenever we reach a "boring thing", the possibilities are endless.

Count Jimbo welcomes us to his Horror Mass.

Naturally, there is no need for the priests represented in the cartoons to be human. Many people prefer to watch lovable furry creatures like kittens, rabbits, or Cardinal Marx. We conclude with a scene from The Sign of Peace, where the animator may just have gone a little too far.

Fr Thomas prepares to say the Agnus Dei.

Thanks to cartoonize.net for some of the pictures. I won't say which.

How to cancel the Sign of Peace

There is a fine video going the rounds of a deacon saying "Let's offer each other a sign of peace" (presumably at the standard point in a Mass) and Cardinal Dolan, the celebrant, responding "Let's not!"

This happened not because the good cardinal is Eirenephobic (or whatever the word is for a fear of peace), but because he was worried about viruses.

"Let's not!"

Now, although I approve of anything that can stop the Sign of Peace, the words "Let's not" are not in the Novus Ordo liturgy (and "Nolite!" isn't needed in the Extraordinary Form). Besides, the words would come better as a roar from from the congregation than the celebrant.

So we propose a new made-up liturgy (or as we used to call it, "A new Vatican-II inspired translation of the traditional liturgy into the vernacular"), as follows:

Deacon: Let us offer each other a sign of peace.
Congregation: Let's not!

Here the Deacon may shrug his shoulders ruefully, or wave his arms triumphantly, according to choice.

Of course, this business of the congregation refusing to obey can be taken further. "We pray for the personal intentions of Pope Francis" may be blocked by a loud "No, we don't!" if the congregation has any doubts as to what those intentions really are.

How should we respond to this?

Finally, if the clergy are wearing cartoon vestments (as above), then "Thanks be to God" is clearly inappropriate as a reply to "The Mass is ended: go in peace", and the Warner Brothers* have determined that only one liturgically appropriate response is possible.

* A religious order unknown to me.

Illud omnia est, Homines!