All masses to be replaced by cartoons

After ticking off Catholics who object to church closures, sensitively labelling his flock as suffering from self-pity, Cardinal Vincent Nichols has announced the next stage in the transformation of the Catholic Church in England and Wales: from now on all livestreamed masses will be replaced by cartoons.

A new cartoon character, Vin the Red.

"There will be several advantages," explained his Eminence. "There is no need for social isolation of our clergy, as cartoon characters can approach each other without catching any illnesses. Also, we can show the cartoons over and over again, and edit them as we wish."

Cardinal Dolan, who recently whispered "I thought we were skipping these boring things" during a Mass, is anxious to adopt the same policy in New York, especially as he has himself long been regarded as a cartoon character.

"Dolans, meet the Dolans..."

It is clear that from now on churches will be competing to produce the most attractive cartoons. In the past, when the faithful had to get up and travel to a Mass, the choice was often rather limited. Now that we can dip into masses from Rome, London, New York, Paris, Beijing no not Beijing, the Amazon Jungle, ... whenever we wish, and sometimes switch from one to the other whenever we reach a "boring thing", the possibilities are endless.

Count Jimbo welcomes us to his Horror Mass.

Naturally, there is no need for the priests represented in the cartoons to be human. Many people prefer to watch lovable furry creatures like kittens, rabbits, or Cardinal Marx. We conclude with a scene from The Sign of Peace, where the animator may just have gone a little too far.

Fr Thomas prepares to say the Agnus Dei.

Thanks to cartoonize.net for some of the pictures. I won't say which.

James Martin discovers sin

Living the sheltered life of a New York Jesuit, surrounded by homosexuals, attending the odd "gay" Mass, being a close friend of Cardinal Cupich, and fraternising with actors and political campaigners such Steve Colbert, my hero Fr James J. Martin SJ has few opportunities for encountering sin.

Indeed, being a good modernist, Fr James has realised that there are nowadays very few sins. Homosexual acts? No. Adultery? No. Abortion? Well, maybe, but it's best not to upset our Democrat friends by mentioning it too loudly. Climate Change? No doubt - wasn't that how the Red Sea got divided?

But let's get serious now.

One of the few sins left.

A spokesman for the AFGH (All Foreigners Go Home) community told us: "We are very disppointed with Fr Jim's attitude. When is he going to build bridges towards us? Why no special AFGH masses? May I point out that we have a very inclusive community with members of all creeds and colours - white people who hate blacks, black people who hate whites, loonies who hate Martians, dogs who hate cats, you name it. But not a sign of welcome from Fr Jim!"

A racist cat goes out mouse-bashing.

It is true that the Vatican has a more enlightened attitude to welcoming racists. Dear old Cardinal Kasper told us that African Catholics "should not tell us too much what we have to do" at the time of the 2014 Synod on Dropping the Idea of Sin. It's true he denied it until it was pointed out that Edward Pentin had a recording of the interview. But then the LCPF (Liars, Cheats, Perjurers and Frauds) community explained that there was no problem with this.

Steve Colbert wishes to point out that he is not a member of the AFGH Community.

Anyway, once he has thought about this more carefully, we expect Fr Jim to give a more humane Jesuitical welcome to racists, who, after all, only need accompaniment, discernment, and perhaps a course of Ignatian yoga, in order to be feel welcome in the Catholic Church.

The Catholic Bishops' Conference corrects the Pope

Most Holy Father,

With profound grief, we are compelled to address a correction to Your Holiness on account of the propagation of heresies effected by the apostolic exhortation Amoris Laetitia and by other words, deeds and omissions of Your Holiness.

An English bishop addresses a fraternal correction.

Actually, we didn't want to do this, as we were hoping to stay in your good books long enough to get Vincent Nichols some preferment, and make him a strong candidate for the papacy when the next conclave comes round. The St Pancras Mafia were already standing by to promote his case and throw dirt at Sarah, Tagle, and all the other contenders... However, the time has come to speak out.

So, let's get down to business. Amoris Laetitia simply doesn't go far enough. We bishops are simply not being told whether we should allow people to divorce and re-marry, and then take communion. You need to speak out and say that we should scrap marriage completely: this would be a ``correction" of the New Testament, but worth it, we feel.

They say AL is Thomist and Jerryist, but it seems to have hit you in the face.

We must also take issue with your use of language such as "rigid", "fomenter of coprophagia" and "fundamentalist" to describe those who don't share your modernizing views. THIS IS PATHETIC. Our cardinal comes from Liverpool, the land of Archbishop Warlock, who would have described these b******s as b****y ****-eating b*****s! That's telling them!

Also, some complaints must be made about your evident fondness for Lutherism. Isn't this unfair to our friends in the Church of England (if ever there was one holy, Catholic and apostolic church, then that must be it!) not to mention. Muslims, Hindus, Sikhs, etc.?

The answer to Lutherism!

Finally, what about same-sex marriage and abortion? It seems clear to us that you disapprove, which means that your views are indistinguishable from those of that arch-Tory Jacob Rees-Mogg! When he was being attacked by the secular media, certain reactionary bishops such as Egan and Davies, more inspired by the New Testament than the Tablet, went as far as supporting him.

However, the vast majority of us took a more pragmatic view and said ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, following Jesus's words, "Blessed are ye when ye do not offend people, as then ye will not lose your friends!" Nobody is ever going to be sure what we believe, especially when we get Stonewall to write documents for the Catholic Education Service!

Sorry, Holy Father, you've let us down, and if Cormac were alive now he'd be turning in his grave!

Signed: most of the Catholic Bishops Conference of England and Wales.

Tiddles is saved

This is a guest post from Eccles's cat, Tiddles, who was shocked to read an article by Jonathan Langley entitled Ten reasons it's okay for Christians to hate cats

Tiddles.

I could really have entitled this post "Seven reasons it's okay for cats to hate Christians", except that we cats are loving creatures, and do not bear grudges.

1. Cats get a bad deal in the Bible.

There is no Biblical mention of cats, in the sense of domestic animals, but lions and leopards are certainly there. Some impertinent chap called Isaiah says that the wolf shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the kid. I consulted a focus group of twenty leopards, and none of them thought this was very likely. And lions have their pride, you know.

Another cheeky chap called Peter says that your adversary the Devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour. Well, I admit that we do like devouring things, but then so do humans. So why smear us cats?

Personally, I prefer Amos's "The lion hath roared, who will not fear?" or, in my case, "The cat hath miaowed, who will not fear?"

Remember, cats are naturally great hunters.

2. Humans don't recognize cats' kindness to them.

Humans don't appreciate the gifts we leave them. I recently marked Eccles's birthday by leaving a dead vole on his pillow - well, half a dead vole, actually, I got a little hungry - but he refused to show any gratitude. Then, one evening, when I was at a loose end, I jumped off the cupboard onto Eccles's lap, with the idea of sharpening my claws on him. He gave out a yell and got up, sending me flying through the air. No love and affection there!

Ailurophobic hate-crime.

3. Humans are insanitary.

I didn't want to mention this, but Jonathan Langley raised the matter. We cats do our little doings in a litter tray, or behind the sofa, or under the bed - somewhere nice and tidy. Humans send their waste products down a pipe, where they get processed into someone else's drinking water. Well, which do you prefer?

4. Human religion is daft.

The ancient Egyptians used to worship cats, but we don't see much of that these days. Oh no, it's "Tiddles, get back in the garden, you're not coming to Mass with me." Look at the word "Catholic" - it originally meant "addicted to cats", as with "alcoholic" or "chocaholic". But it is not reflected in their practices. When will cats be ordained to the priesthood? When will they even be allowed to take Communion? Has the Pope mentioned cats in his "Year of Mercy" speeches?

Even so-called "liberal" Catholics are anti-cat. Cardinal Kasper, a man who you would expect to be sensitive to feline issues, has refused to answer our e-mails or return our phone calls. Apparently, in the spirit of gradualism, he wants to ordain dogs first. Madness.

The good old days pre-Vatican II.

5. Humans are always fighting.

When female humans fight, they call it a "cat fight", probably because the combatants hiss at each other and scratch. Curiously, when male cats fight, we cats don't call it a "human fight", since head-butts, punches on the jaw and kicks in the sensitive parts are generally considered to be unsporting. You're more vicious than we are.

... and we don't have wars between cats of different beliefs.

6. Eternal life isn't a big deal.

The best religious deals on offer for humans seem to promise eternal life in some sort of paradise. We cats have nine lives, which makes us nine times more saved than humans. Do I need to say more?

7. Finally...

We are sweet.

You are not sweet.

Bad Hymns 15

The judges of the Eccles Bad Hymn Award are very pleased to welcome Fr John Glynn, who is going to tell us about his hymn I watch the sunrise.

I watch the sunrise.

E: Good to have you here, John. I see from your website that your hymn has been used in a variety of contexts: radio, TV, films,... why, some people even sing it at weddings and funerals.

JG: Yes, it also makes a great accompaniment to Tom and Jerry cartoons, especially the bit where Jerry is hitting Tom over the head with a hammer: he sings the moving words, I watch the hammer, hitting your head.

E: Well, that's enough free advertising. Let's talk about the hymn itself. There's a lot in it about what you do all day long, but not much about God, really.

JG: I've got a lot of time on my hands these days, Eccles, and I do spend most of the day staring out of the window.

E: So I see. Now, in verse 1 you've got up bright and early to see the sunrise, and you're rambling on about the shadows the sun casts.

JG: Yes, many worshippers don't realise that the sun casts shadows, so I thought I'd point this out.

Evidence that the sun does indeed cast shadows.

E: But of course God is close as well. That's the main message of the hymn - in fact the only one - apart from a detailed description of what you do all day long. I watch the sunrise/sunlight/sunset/moonlight.

JG: Here's a verse we didn't use, Eccles. It was again about watching things, but it has a tragic theme to it.

I watch the toaster warming the bread,
Grilling my toast for tea,  
But, as it pops up into my face,
I feel that pain is near me.

E: It would be good for funerals, maybe, John. Moments of sadness, and all that. Not so good for weddings, maybe,

JG: No, also it does get away slightly from the main theme of the song, which is astronomical observations.

I watch the planets, when the sky's clear, bumbling along their ways.

E: I was going to ask about that, actually. What do you do when it's cloudy, and you can't see the sun?

JG: Go down to the pub, usually. I didn't write a verse about that.

John Glynn's favourite pub.

E: I still have this problem that I confuse your song with another better-known one:

I see skies of blue,
And clouds of white.
The bright blessed day,
The dark sacred night.
And I think to myself,
What a wonderful world. 

Oh yeah.

What John Glynn was trying to say.

JG: Yes, that does seem to have as much religious content as my own song. It's even got the words "blessed" and "sacred" in it, so we know it's a genuine hymn. And the "Oh yeah" at the end is classic Paul Inwood, if I'm not mistaken.

E: Jealous?

JG: Just a bit. Still, my hymn is in all the hymn books, and that's what counts. Also, the producers of a forthcoming Dracula musical have been thinking of getting the Count to sing a new verse:

Can't see the sunlight, I'm underground,
Lying inside my tomb,
And, as I rest from chasing the girls, 
I feel the earth is near me.

E: You could use that verse at funerals too, couldn't you? John Glynn, thank you for talking to us.

---

Previous entries for the Eccles Bad Hynm Award:

Lord of the Dance.    Shine, Jesus, shine.    Enemy of apathy.    Walk in the Light.
Kum Ba Yah.    Follow me.    God's Spirit is in my heart.    Imagine.    Alleluia Ch-ch.
It ain't necessarily so.    I, the Lord of sea and sky.    Colours of day.    The red flag.
Go, the Mass is ended.