Get your black market tickets for Mass!

In England and Wales, we can all go to Mass again on Sunday 5th July, BUT we are limited by social distancing to about 1/6 of our normal attendance. Some churches will ask you to book in advance to get a ticket, and you may have missed out.

£100 squire, or you'll have to watch Fr Phil on television!

However, as a service to worshippers, we are offering black market tickets to those who couldn't get them. Since the alternative is to queue for standing tickets, starting at 4 a.m., you know it makes sense to support Eccles Ticket Touts Eccles Worship Services.

• £100 buys you a good seat in St Daryl the Apostate's, or £50 if you'll settle for a seat behind a pillar. Specially sterilized cushion included.
• For £200 we lend you some vestments and you can sit in the chancel.
• For £500 we lend you a mitre and crozier and you can sit on the bishop's throne in our local cathedral!

Only £200, and I get to preach the homily as well!

We are negotiating with the Vatican for the loan of white papal robes, so that you can have the best seat of all, with the option of doing your own sermon. Warning: this will need to be vetted by us beforehand, to make sure that only insults, ambiguous statements, and incomprehensible remarks are used. We don't want to make it too obvious that there is a cuckoo in the chair of St Peter!

Lockdown Diary, Day 7313

March 31st 2040.

Well, here we are after 20 years of lockdown caused by the Coronavirus, which keeps mutating every so often into something even nastier. The present incarnation is called COVID-39.

The latest form of the Coronavirus.

We are still allowed out to go shopping, and for exercise, but the churches have now been closed for 20 years. It is hard to remember what it was like in the old days, when we went along to St Daryl the Apostate and received Communion on the tongue (to the great annoyance of one or two pearl-clutchers who didn't actually believe in the Real Presence), or, if we wanted, did the Sign of Peace and sang hymns such as Cumberland ("Someone's eating sausages, Lord, Cum-ber-land..."). I may have got the words wrong after all this time.

Nowadays the churches remain closed, and all Masses are live-streamed. Pope Francis II (alias "Chito" Tagle) takes a very relaxed view of these, and priests no longer have to wear vestments. Many of them stay at home and stream the Masses from their bedrooms, without even bothering to choose the liturgically-correct colour for their pyjamas.

Father Brown dresses down for his livestream Mass.

Of course "Chito" takes seriously some aspects of worship, especially liturgical dancing (getting down wiv da yoof, as the 82-year-old teenager puts it) and the faithful are encouraged to skip around their houses during Mass. "Chito" claims to have arthritis and sciatica, so that kneeling is out of the question, but he can still dance the Funky Cardinal.

Late news: a new strain, the Coren virus, is infecting our brothers in the Anglican Church (having flipped between the Anglican Church, the Catholic Church, the Seventh-Day-Adventists, the Baptists, and the Pachamama Church several times during the last 20 years). It is particularly unpleasant.

The Coren virus.

Even later news: Eccles is still waiting for an answer to his "Dubia" - why was he excommunicated from Twitter?

How to cancel the Sign of Peace

There is a fine video going the rounds of a deacon saying "Let's offer each other a sign of peace" (presumably at the standard point in a Mass) and Cardinal Dolan, the celebrant, responding "Let's not!"

This happened not because the good cardinal is Eirenephobic (or whatever the word is for a fear of peace), but because he was worried about viruses.

"Let's not!"

Now, although I approve of anything that can stop the Sign of Peace, the words "Let's not" are not in the Novus Ordo liturgy (and "Nolite!" isn't needed in the Extraordinary Form). Besides, the words would come better as a roar from from the congregation than the celebrant.

So we propose a new made-up liturgy (or as we used to call it, "A new Vatican-II inspired translation of the traditional liturgy into the vernacular"), as follows:

Deacon: Let us offer each other a sign of peace.
Congregation: Let's not!

Here the Deacon may shrug his shoulders ruefully, or wave his arms triumphantly, according to choice.

Of course, this business of the congregation refusing to obey can be taken further. "We pray for the personal intentions of Pope Francis" may be blocked by a loud "No, we don't!" if the congregation has any doubts as to what those intentions really are.

How should we respond to this?

Finally, if the clergy are wearing cartoon vestments (as above), then "Thanks be to God" is clearly inappropriate as a reply to "The Mass is ended: go in peace", and the Warner Brothers* have determined that only one liturgically appropriate response is possible.

* A religious order unknown to me.

Illud omnia est, Homines!

The Pope's letter to the People of God

Most people will be unaware of this - I only found out today when Spadaro accidentally let the cat out of the bag - but there have been one or two complaints about our bishops and clergy recently.

WE ARE ALL GUILTY.

Well, not me of course. As has been observed by that nice man Stephen Walford who dusts my piano, and that little gnome chap Austen Ivereigh, I am INFALLIBLE, which means that nothing is ever my fault. I'm happy to clear that up for you.

Endangered Creatures like this are almost extinct!

I was hoping to meet my dear friend Donna Wuerl in Dublin so that I could find out what's going on, but he's sent me a telegram: "I regret that I have suddenly died. Sorry." My agents tell me that in fact he has not died, but has gone into hiding with some other handsome priests. I do hope he is not avoiding me.

Anyway, let's try again with that headline.

YOU ARE ALL GUILTY.

Especially the laity. You're all guilty of clericalism. Well, it would be scandalous to blame the clergy. Even more scandalous to blame the bishops. So PLEASE do not de-bag your bishop and push him into the river. Even if it's Farrell, or Tobin, or Cupich. Resist the temptation!

My top adviser Fr James Martin SJ assures me that it's nothing to do with "gay" clergy either. After all, he says that he wants our clergy to be celibate, and none of the "Friends of Jimmy" shows any inclination whatsoever to get married. Well, not to a woman. Quod Erat Demonstrandum, as it says in the Latin Missal.

New vestments from "Maison Jimmy" of New York!

So that's everything sorted, isn't it? Now, let's look at some of the more serious problems facing the Church. Climate Change - isn't that the real cause of all our problems? Or maybe plastic straws.

Perhaps the biggest question you're all asking is: should a black person play the role of Pope? "The name's Francis, Pope Francis." With a Licence to Kill the Magisterium. Can you imagine a black person - like Robert Sarah - taking the role? Of course not. The next actor to portray the Pope should be someone like Cardinal Wuerl. If only we can work out where he's hiding...

I feel your pain!

Uniform row in Margate

Over in Margate, a row has broken out after some boys and girls were sent home for not wearing the appropriate uniform. Said the Headmaster, Fr Tim Finigan, "I was just preparing to offer Mass in the Extraordinary Form when a group of girls dressed as bishops came in and offered to assist. I sent them packing immediately."

Inappropriate wear for a religious service.

Fr Finigan reported the ringleader, 62-year-old Kathy Jefferts Schori, to her parents, but apparently the girl has always been regarded as "wild", and little could be done.

Worse was to follow, as some boys then took the place of the girls, and they were also dressed completely inappropriately.

No, no, no! The pantomime is at the Theatre Royal!

St Austin's, Margate, is generally known for its excellent academic perfomance, although discipline may sometimes be a problem. Our final picture shows some of the girls leaping in the air in traditional fashion, to celebrate their brilliant A level results.

"I got A* in everything except theology!"

What colour is this dress?

This week's Internet sensation was caused by arguments over the colour of a rather ugly dress. It seems that different people saw it in different ways, and there was no consensus.

Some say the dress below is purple, which would be the liturgically correct colour for Lent. Others see different colours: white, red, blue, green...

What colour dress is this woman wearing?

The photo is a source of further optical illusions, in that some people see a woman wearing a bishop's mitre, whereas others see a clown in a silly hat. Then is that a cross she is carrying or a pitchfork? Stare at it for 30 seconds and see what you think.

Said one celebrity, Justin Biebly of Canterbury, "Obviously it's a multicoloured dress that the lady is wearing; those are the liturgically correct vestments for All Fools' Day." However, many others see it differently.

The model wearing the dress is Kathy Schori, 60, a professional bishop-o-gram entertainer. She is available for weddings, funerals, and other happy occasions.

Kiss me, Kate! Another controversial dress.

Hello, hello, hello! What's all this, then?

There is a famous Not the Nine O' Clock News sketch in which a certain Constable Savage is told off for over-zealous policing. It turns out that Constable Savage has now been transferred to Wimbledon, where he has now branched out into arresting Christians.

Inspector: So, Constable Savage, while your colleagues have been arresting visiting American preachers, I see that you have arrested another gentleman, a Mr Peter Smith. What exactly are the charges you are making against him?

The prisoner.

Savage: We had lots of complaints, sir. He was wearing a fancy hat in a public place, and carrying an offensive weapon.

Inspector: I think those are the tools of his trade, Savage. Was he preaching any religious doctrine, of the sort that might give offence to our LBGT Community, or indeed our TMOB (Trouble-Making Old Busybody) Community?

Savage: No, nobody could accuse him of giving any religious leadership, Inspector. But he was also seen associating with another gentleman, who was causing a public nuisance by wearing unnecessarily loud clothes after the hours of darkness. So we arrested him as well.

Wearing unnecessarily loud clothes after the hours of darkness.

Inspector: Savage, the law says you should only arrest Christians if they say something in public. It doesn't matter what, it can be classed as hate crime, conduct liable to cause a breach of the peace, ...

Savage: But I hate Christians, sir.

Inspector: Well, so do we all. Now, who else have you brought in?

Savage: A young lady, who was speaking in tongues, sir. A Miss Sharapova.

Inspector: What exactly was she saying, Constable?

Savage: Well, it was more a case of grunting and shrieking noises, sir. (Consults notebook.) "Urgh. Oorgh. Aaargh. Owww!" Can't we do her for hate speech?

Speaking in tongues.

Inspector: No go, Savage. We'd never be able to make the charges stick. Now, I see you have one more prisoner. You entered a building called a "church" and found him reading out offensive words?

Savage: Yes, sir, I confiscated the book he was reading from. It's a real shocker, full of sex and violence, murders, rapes, the lot.

A book which glorifies teenage violence.

Inspector: Ah yes, this "Bible". It's not yet on the "banned" list, but it is evidence of subversive thought. Which part was he reading out?

Savage: Some bit called "Matthew 19", sir. And Jesus said: Thou shalt do no murder, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness. Honour thy father and thy mother: and, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

Inspector: Sounds like a trouble-maker, this Jesus. The name sounds familiar - see if he's got form, Constable. Writing words like that could cause offence to our well-respected MATL community.

Savage: MATL?

Inspector: Murderers, Adulterers, Thieves and Liars, Constable. Do try and keep up.

---

This post was begun by Eccles and finished off by Pope Francis.

Pope Francis struggles to think of a final punch-line.

Bosco's new vestmeants

Ullo Bosco my dear bruvver, how is your head now? You see we went to de Calumny Chappel on Sundy mornin to here Pastor Izemilk preech on "Is your money saved?" Dey is doin rennovations where de local nuns smashed in de chappel door, and dere was a sign saying "Mind your head". We all ducked as we went in except for Bosco who refusses to bow to anyfink, and he smashed is head. Luckilly its pretty sollid, Mom says I is de one wiv all de branes of de fambly.

Well, we continues wiv our Bibble classes wiv Father X. O’ Cise, who is feelin much better but still carries a big stick just in case Bosco gits too enfusiastic. Todday we had de storry of Jessus turning water into wine, it don’t make a grate deal of sense as dere was dis dame Mary his muvver who told him to do it, dats just bossy innit? All de geusts got drunk and went and beet up de begars in de street. It don’t actaully say dat in de Bibble but dats what Bosco and me does at parties.

De Cathlics have recomendded a special vestmeant for Bosco when he goes to de Bible classes, dat must be a mark of favvor. Here is a pitcher of Bosco in de clerrical vestmeants, dey has sleeves dat fasten at de back.