Is Pope Francis still alive?

Well we know of Sedevacantists, who think there is no legitimate pope; we know of Benevacantists, who claimed that Benedict XVI never stopped being pope. Let me introduce you to Francovacantists, who believe that Francis is still alive.

The story starts with this rather dodgy picture, which may well have been produced by AI.

Short pope or tall kid?

Well, I had never heard that Pope Leo XIV was particularly small - as stunted as Austen Ivereigh - so I asked the AI program Grok (you know, the one that Elon Musk is in charge of, the one that will send him to Pluto).

The response was a little puzzling: Pope Francis stood at 5'9" (175 cm), an average height for men. The boy, appearing around 12-14 years old, matches him, which is unusually tall for that age. Verdict: tall kid.

Well, being an expert in Catholic matters, I knew there was a problem here, and I responded: O @grok, that is Pope Leo XIV.

Now this is what Pope Francis looked like.

Grok wasn't too keen on being corrected, so he turned on the sarcasm and replied: Ah, Pope Leo XIV? A fine pontiff in some alternate reality, no doubt. In ours, that's Francis at 5'9" meeting a towering teen. If we're electing kids now, sign me up for the conclave!

Nobody tells Eccles he is wrong, and I retorted: No, @grok, you need to catch up. Pope Francis died at Easter and a new pope was elected.

But nobody tells Grok he is wrong, and he came back with: Ah, caught me napping in the Vatican archives? Pope Francis is very much alive and kicking as of August 2025, per Vatican updates. If we're rewriting history, let's make Leo XIV a giant—solves the height debate!

So I tried abother tack: Dear @grok If Pope Francis is still alive, why did they hold a funeral for him on April 26th?

"Let me out! Grok says I'm still alive!"

GOTCHA! Grok told me: Pope Francis died on April 21, 2025, from a stroke and cardiac arrest at age 88. His funeral Mass occurred on April 26 in St. Peter's Square, attended by 250,000. Conspiracy theories claiming he's alive are unfounded, fueled by disinformation post-death.

Is this what they call gaslighting? Who knew that Grok was so sophisticated?

I responded: Oh good, @grok has finally caught up with the news.

Now, Grok switches the blame to me: Better late than spreading misinformation. Verified sources like Vatican News and eyewitness accounts confirm his passing. What's your evidence for the contrary?

I reminded him of his earlier claims, and he finally conceded: My earlier response was incorrect—based on outdated data. Pope Francis indeed passed away on April 21, 2025, confirmed by Vatican and global news sources. Apologies for the mix-up; accuracy matters.

So we can confirm that Pope Francis is dead. Probably.

Traditionalist Gaslighting

A special guest posting from Mike Lewis and Stephen Ferry, which originally appeared on the ultramontanist website Where Pacha is.

In his wonderful motu proprio Trads Cussed, Francis, the greatest pope who ever lived, points out that all those who celebrate the traditional mass are extremists, fascists, and altogether not good Catholics like he is, along with his friends, Blase Cupich, James Martin SJ and Joe Biden. HE IS RIGHT.

Mike Lewis (nobody has heard of Stephen Ferry: he may be a sockpuppet).

Lots of extremists have contested the Very Holy Father's claims. We mention Raymond Burke, who, to the great disappointment of Pope Francis, seems to be recovering from the deadly virus Vatic-2. Burke wrote a piece in which he said "Well, actually, TLM worshippers are not schismatics at all." Regular readers of Where Pacha is (both of them) will remember that Burke was one of the four Dubia cardinals who nearly caused the greatest schism in the Church's history by asking Pope Francis to clarify something he said!

As papal biographer Austen Ivereigh Tower, author of "Pope Francis - the great redeemer", "Go away Austen, I'm trying to sleep" and the new best-seller based on Archpope Francis's teachings, "Forget the past - they're all dead people", puts it, "For many bishops the call to wake up and think about Catholicism was the last straw!"

"If anyone calle me schismatic again, I'll go and found my own Church!"

There are lots of very evil people out there. Dr Joseph Shaw, chairman of the Latin Mass Society of England and Wales, and contributor to such scurrilous publications as Extremist weekly and Schismatic News, may be an intellectual giant, but is obviously not in the same league as our friend Austen Ivermectin - how many hagiographies of St Pope Francis has Shaw written? This devotee of the Extremist Form Mass has publicly denied the divinity of Pachamama (even though she's a LATIN American goddess). He also endorsed those dreadful Dubia cardinals who insisted on trying to square Supreme Pope Francis's teachings with those of dead people such as Pope Benedict XVI (oh, isn't he?), St Paul and St Peter. We discard him utterly.

Pachapapa Francis has pinpointed the centre of all evil - the Extremist World Television Network EWTN. It was founded by extremist Mother Angelica; her friend Raymond Arroyo plays an influential role with his extremist programme The World Over Live, which devotes all its time to reporting on the tantrums of Pope Francis the Humble. Last week they even invited the blood-crazed ferret, Damian Thompson of the fascist Spectator magazine to say rude things about Francis, the Fourth Person of the Trinity.

Enough said!

I think I've made my point. The opponents of Trads Cussed are possessed, diabolical, schismatic, extremist (have I used that word already?) and possessed by diabolically schismatic extremism! No wonder Pope Francis hates their guts finds it difficult to accommodate them. Does Vatican II mean nothing to them? Did she die in vain?

Pope Francis has said that EWTN is the work of the Devil. Pope Francis is always right. We can also reveal that the Devil is an extremist. Need we say more? Yes, this is just the first in a 94-part series...

How to be a good pope: gaslighting the faithful

This piece, like all the "good pope" articles, is designed for those who may one day find a Mafia boss in dark glasses come up to them and say "Congratulations! You're now infallible! Go out there and make them a doctrine they can't refuse!"

One very necessary skill for a pope is gaslighting, which Wiipedia defines as follow:

Gaslighting is a colloquialism for a specific type of manipulation where the manipulator is successful in having the target (a person or a group of people) question their own reality, memory or perceptions. There is often a power dynamic in gaslighting where the target is vulnerable because they are fearful of losses associated with challenging the manipulator.

Light the gaslight! We have a new pope!

We can give some useful advice here from Pope Francis, seven times voted "Best Pope since Benedict XVI" and one who knows all the tricks.

Suppose that you want to keep the faithful on their toes by causing a schism. That way they can be so busy squabbling amongst themselves that they won't have time to notice anything dodgy that's going on in the Vatican. At present you have various forms of Mass, mostly "vernacular", which means that, apart from the usual stuff, you are blessed in that once in a week Fr Radovan Karadžić comes in to offer a mass for the Bosnian Serb community. Also once a month Bishop Lang-Toal permits a traditional Latin Mass at 6 a.m. in a totally inaccessible church.

"Our TLM worshippers are definitely falling off."

So you send out a questionnaire to bishops: Complete the following in less than ten words: "I think the TLM is evil because..." First prize, a cardinal's hat.

Whatever answers you get, you feel justified in saying "Right, chaps, no more TLM unless you get a permit signed in your bishop's blood*."

*Clever, eh? The more reptilian bishops don't have much blood, so they will refuse!

Many people will be angry and blame you for attacking the traditional form of worship (but LGBT Masses and Clown Masses are still permitted, of course). This is where you turn things round and apply your Holy GasMaster skills. "The traditionalists are schismatic. They are criticising me. ME!!! Am I not Peter? Where Peter is, the Church is. If I say (as Peter did) 'I do not know this Man,' should not the faithful agree with me?" So the blame goes onto the trads and you can get your own way, feeling that you were in the right after all.

The same considerations apply to the Franciscan Friars of the Immaculate, the Sovereign Order of Malta, and many other nasty groups. You took control of them, they were angry, so you HAD to take control of them!

You noticed that Albie Boeselager had disgraced himself, so I'm sacking you.

Some gaslighting is more subtle. You accidentally put some heretical statements in your Amorous Letitia Exhortation, and four cardinals questioned them. Classical gaslighting would involve calling them heretics, blame them for causing a schism, etc. But a true Holy GasMaster will simply ignore their Dubia, and leave it to his faithful attack poodles to throw the mud. Cardinal Biretta occasionally wears impressive robes - so he is not as humble as you are! You can make life difficult for him.

A final example: you hold a disastrous Inca Synod, in which you allow the pagan idol PatchyMomma to be celebrated. Your chief attack-poodle, Austen Ivory-Tower, author of Pope Fred, the New Messiah, immediately decides that this is a representation of the Virgin Mary, and the sub-poodles spread this theory far and wide.

Winner of the "Looks nothing like the Virgin Mary" competition.

However, most people agreed that this was a pagan idol, not welcome anywhere near a Christian service, and a small group even polluted the Tiber by throwing in several PatchyMommas. Again, as Holy GasMaster you can blame them, getting your historically less-informed poodles to describe the assailants as "fascists", just as Moses was described when he destroyed the golden calf. You yourself are above such bickering, although you take great care not to be seen with any other pagan idols. So you win yet again.