Serialization of Pope Francis's autobiography 1

We are deeply privileged to be able to print excerpts from the autobiography of Pope Francis, Life: My Story Through History, subtitled Why I was right and all other popes were wrong, which is to be published on St Joseph's Day, the 75th birthday of the great Cardinal Cupich.

All the stories that Austen Ivereigh never knew about!

My early career.

Born in Buenos Aires, Argentina, I worked for a time as a bouncer, throwing people out of clubs; I came away from this job with a black belt in the ancient martial art of Papa-Slappa, which I use whenever people annoy me.

I then trained as a chemist, but this was an unhappy time, as I rejected all traditional teaching (e.g. "do not put arsenic in people's sandwiches" and "acid baths can harm people") in favour of my own magisterium.

I make coffee for my friend "Tucho" Fernández.

I train as a priest.

After my unhappy experiences as a chemist, I was looking for another career, and my mentor, Fr Juan Perón SJ, suggested that I was best suited to be either a priest or a confidence trickster. In the end we compromised, and I became a Jesuit.

A few pages omitted here, Let's get on to more recent history. Eccles.

I become pope!

In 2005 I had already been a candidate for the papacy, but inexplicably the Holy Spirit, who has the final say in these decisions, burst out laughing and gave the job to Cardinal Ratzinger instead. What was I to do?

Little did I know, apart from the fact that they telephoned me about it every day, that the Holy Spirit had appointed an organization called the St Gallen Mafia, whose job it was to make sure that Ratzinger did not stay around too long, and that I should take his place. Apart from the Godfather, Ivo Fürer, there were other notorious people. I remember Martini, who put a horse's head into Benedict's bed; Danneels, who once nailed a seminarian's head to the pew; and Kasper, who made Benedict an offer he couldn't refuse.

Carlo Maria Martini and his Uncle Baal.

Eventually, the Holy Spirit caused Benedict to resign suddenly, and persuaded the conclave to elect me as Pope! As someone once said "Thus proves that God has a sense of humour!"

To follow:

* How I corrected the errors of 2000 years of Catholicism!

* Amoris Laetitia! How adultery became cool!

* Pachamama! How I came to love idols!

* Traditionis Custodes! How I applied Fr Juan Perón's methods!

No backwardism in MY Church!

* Austen Ivereigh! How a garden-gnome became a theological expert!

* Synods! How to waste the time of your most irritating friends!

On to Part 2!

The synod of bishops will welcome (nearly) everyone

It's the day the whole Catholic Church has been waiting for: the Instrumentum Laboris for the forthcoming Synod of Synodal Bishops on Synodality (sponsored by Bud Light) is released. This is the result of lengthy discussions and the use of sophisticated AI (so NOT Austen Ivereigh), and the common theme is ALL ARE WELCOME.

As Cardinal Jean-Claude Hollerich points out, we need to welcome persistent adulterers, LGBTQSJ+- people, and even the bigamists! They may receive communion - indeed, why not let them act as Extraordinary Monsters of Holy Communion?

The Hell Choir (anag., 9 letters) is singing!

We must also welcome female deacons, and this includes transgender deacons and those who self-identify as cats. Give them a friendly stroke (the cats, that is) and a saucer of milk! Welcome any dead mice they have brought in to Mass!

But this is only half the story. Following representations from Pope Francis's best mates, we shall now be pleased to encourage:

* Abortionists,
* Child abusers,
* Rapists,
* Embezzlers, and of course
* Idol-worshippers.

I think this includes most of Francis's bosom pals. Hi, Emma, Marko, Gustavo, Giovanni, and the Pachamama club!

From the Austen Ivereigh Art Collection: we welcome the drunk addicted to custard pies!

Of course there are some classes of people that cannot POSSIBLY be welcomed. Anyone who wants to celebrate the traditional Latin Mass... anyone who asks embarrassing questions about Amoris Laetitia (bye, bye, Burke!)... all indietrists, backwardists, self-absorbed Promethean neo-Pelagians, faithful Catholics, ...

I hope the bishops have got the message now.

Late news. There is one category of Francis mates that we forgot to mention. And, for once, there is a Biblical justification to it, since Christ told us to feed the hungry. Yes, here we are!

We welcome the gluttons!

A successful week for Pope Francis

As Pope Francis keeps telling us, he is an old man, and starting to slow down. He hasn't slapped a pilgrim for several weeks, nor personally insulted a cardinal for a month or two. So it is with great pleasure that we can list some of the achievements of his recent trip to Canada.

Confined to a wheelchair but still in control!

1. Idolatory. Pachamama is so 2019, and a go-ahead pope who wants to troll the Catholic Church has got to find a new object of pagan worship. So we are delighted to welcome the Western grandmother, invoked in a "smudging ritual", in which noxious smoke is wafted round the room. Whether she will catch on with Francis-Catholics (now mainly Ivereigh, Lamb, Faggioli and Spadaro) is unclear, but here's Granny!

2. Fake confessions. Who are we to judge, but it may be thought that most Catholics - even the pope - have enough sins of their own to confess without confessing other people's. But no, in a brilliant innovation, Pope Francis has apologised to the Canadians, expressing deep shame and sorrow for various abuses that may or may not have taken place. Well, it certainly stopped anyone from asking embarrassing questions about Gussie Zanchetta!

"Don't worry, Gus, some future pope can apologise for us!"

3. A ritual kick at traditional Catholics. They just won't go away, will they, Francis? That TRADGON deodorant that Arthur Roche bought you doesn't seem to be working. A few bishops share your vindictive attitude to people who are used to the older forms of worship, but most are still ignoring you and hoping that the men in white coats will soon cart you off to the loony bin. Meanwhile, however, carry on insulting! Today's new one is BACKWARDIST. A good one, eh? When your popemobile is rushing down the hill towards a chasm, it's the backwardist who tries to stop it. Austen Ivereigh thinks it's brilliant!

4. Evolution of doctrine. As Pope Francis keeps stressing, doctrine evolves. What was a sin in the 1960s (or even the 1st century) may no longer be a sin! Conversely, there are new sins, such as advertising a Latin Mass in your parish bulletin, which earlier popes would have thought hilarious. Watch out, Humanae Vitae, we're gunning for you!

A nasty rigid backwardist pope! Which idiot canonized him? Oh...