Serialization of Pope Francis's autobiography 1

We are deeply privileged to be able to print excerpts from the autobiography of Pope Francis, Life: My Story Through History, subtitled Why I was right and all other popes were wrong, which is to be published on St Joseph's Day, the 75th birthday of the great Cardinal Cupich.

All the stories that Austen Ivereigh never knew about!

My early career.

Born in Buenos Aires, Argentina, I worked for a time as a bouncer, throwing people out of clubs; I came away from this job with a black belt in the ancient martial art of Papa-Slappa, which I use whenever people annoy me.

I then trained as a chemist, but this was an unhappy time, as I rejected all traditional teaching (e.g. "do not put arsenic in people's sandwiches" and "acid baths can harm people") in favour of my own magisterium.

I make coffee for my friend "Tucho" Fernández.

I train as a priest.

After my unhappy experiences as a chemist, I was looking for another career, and my mentor, Fr Juan Perón SJ, suggested that I was best suited to be either a priest or a confidence trickster. In the end we compromised, and I became a Jesuit.

A few pages omitted here, Let's get on to more recent history. Eccles.

I become pope!

In 2005 I had already been a candidate for the papacy, but inexplicably the Holy Spirit, who has the final say in these decisions, burst out laughing and gave the job to Cardinal Ratzinger instead. What was I to do?

Little did I know, apart from the fact that they telephoned me about it every day, that the Holy Spirit had appointed an organization called the St Gallen Mafia, whose job it was to make sure that Ratzinger did not stay around too long, and that I should take his place. Apart from the Godfather, Ivo Fürer, there were other notorious people. I remember Martini, who put a horse's head into Benedict's bed; Danneels, who once nailed a seminarian's head to the pew; and Kasper, who made Benedict an offer he couldn't refuse.

Carlo Maria Martini and his Uncle Baal.

Eventually, the Holy Spirit caused Benedict to resign suddenly, and persuaded the conclave to elect me as Pope! As someone once said "Thus proves that God has a sense of humour!"

To follow:

* How I corrected the errors of 2000 years of Catholicism!

* Amoris Laetitia! How adultery became cool!

* Pachamama! How I came to love idols!

* Traditionis Custodes! How I applied Fr Juan Perón's methods!

No backwardism in MY Church!

* Austen Ivereigh! How a garden-gnome became a theological expert!

* Synods! How to waste the time of your most irritating friends!

On to Part 2!

Jesuits ask us to drop the Bible

Following the enthusiastic reception of the Jesuits' latest idea - that we should stop reading St John's Gospel on Good Friday (apparently it causes outbreaks of antisemitism among the hard of thinking), they have decide to go the whole hog*.... oh...

*Sorry, not hog. Jews and Muslims don't eat them. Or vegetarians. Let's say "the whole cabbage".

... they have decided to go the whole cabbage and ban the Bible entirely.

Jesuits - the gift that keeps on giving.

There are many parts of the Bible that are offensive and lead to "phobias" of various kinds. The LGBTSJ community - including many Jesuits - is not too keen on the bits where homosexual acts are described as sinful, and transgenderism as impossible. There are also lots of racial and religious problems: many people after reading the Old Testament develop a dislike of Philistines, especially big ones called Goliath; also, the Baal-worshipping community is deeply offended by the story of Elijah. "Of course our God wasn't sleeping, he was having a day off."

More generally, the ten commandments have been condemned by the murdering community, the thieves' guild, most of the population of Hollywood (adultery), and the Lawyers' Society (false witness). It does seem that the authors of the Bible refused to show mercy, compassion, tolerance, blah blah blah.

And some very prominent Jesuits have been seen in situations of idolatory.

Or so I am told.

So you can see why the Jesuits are really not too keen on the embarrassing bits of the Bible. Let St John (if it is the same St John) have the last word in the Book of the Apocalypse (Revelation):

And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and from these things that are written in this book.

Pope Francis addresses the Curia

Dear brothers and sisters,

Start with something friendly. Usually you insult them for twenty minutes without a break, and it doesn't go down well.

You are awful, but I like you! God commands us to love everyone, even time-serving wastrels such as yourselves, so I do love you. Honestly. Have a good Christmas, or Eid, or Hanukah, according to choice! Just don't overeat, you fat slobs.

"Remember Christendom no longer exists. Least of all in Rome."

Hmm, not bad, that seems to have won them over. How about some Process Theology now? I know it's heretical, but dress it up in scientific language.

Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Francis. Its ten-year mission, to initiate processes, to avoid occupying spaces, and to give birth to new historical dynamics. To boldly go where no Church has gone before.

After all, E=mc²; on the other hand time wastes our bodies and our wits but we waste time so we are quits. In the immortal words of Obi-Wan Kenobi, "May the Force be with you". Or as R2D2 put it, "Bleep, bleep, bleep!" And I think there is a message there for all of us.

A true prophet.

Brilliant. Now, a tribute to Cardinal "shaken but not stirred" Martini. After all, he was the arch-modernist whose St Gallen group got you the job.

Cardinal Martini, in his last interview, a few days before his death, said something that should make us think: "The Church is two thousand years behind the times, still following teachings from the first century. We need to change everything. Socialism, liberation theology, revolution. Give Baal a chance!" Makes you think, doesn't it?

Martini (or Baal).

Wind up with a grumble about rigidity. That always goes down well.

As many gymnasts will tell you, rigidity is a great temptation, which must be resisted. It leads to imbalance, and falling off the high bar. The same applies in Catholicism. Keeping the same religious opinions for years on end, just because they are traditional Christian teaching, leads to erecting fences on the terrain of common good, turning it into a minefield of incomprehension and hatred. That's how minefields are created - ask any engineer.

Wind up now, they're getting bored.

Well I would bless you with the sign of the cross, but I find that very rigid. So I'd just like to thank you for watching me and my little show here tonight. If you've enjoyed it, then it's all been worthwhile. So, until we meet again, good night, and I love you all!

No more old Catholics to be canonized

A decision has come down from the Vatican that only Catholics inspired by the Spirit of Vatican II will henceforth be eligible for canonization. "We let Newman through the gate, but that's the last one," said a spokesman. "From now on only modernists can become saints. The next one will probably be Cardinal Martini."

The first victim of this new rule is Archbishop Fulton Sheen, who was due to be beatified in a few weeks time, now that his body has been wrested from the pudgy grip of Cardinal Dolan. The USCCB have pointed out that it is almost unheard-of for an American bishop to have lived a life of purity and decency ("We've all got boyfriends," claimed one bishop), and so there must be something nasty in Sheen's history.

Fulton Sheen appears on "What's my line" and writes down his occupation.

Elizabeth the Scalier, also known as the Angriest, who has left Patheticos and now works for Bishop Barron's "Throw our words into the fire" empire, has come up with the suggestion that perhaps Sheen had some homosexual relations in his CV.

It is believed that in a few days time she will have come up with more imaginative speculations - possibly the existence of a beach house in which seminarians were abused. Obvuously, mere homosexual activity is not considered a bar to canonization these days, indeed in some Jesuit circles it is really a sine qua non.

No doubts about Cardinal Martini (a.k.a. Baal)!

San Francisco Catholics ask Pope to replace God

Satan. Increasingly popular amongst San Francisco Catholics.

More than 100 people claiming to be Catholics have signed a full-page advertisement in the San Francisco Chronicle. It takes the form of an open letter asking Pope Francis to name a new God more closely aligned with San Francisco’s progressive ideals. Apparently, the "usual" God, known to some as Jehovah, Yahweh, or simply God, is increasingly out of touch with liberal ideas on morality, and it is time for a replacement.

Baal - said to favour same-sex marriage.

Being himself the offspring of a "three-parent family", namely, a man, a cat and a toad, the demon Baal has been suggested as a worthy replacement for God. Admittedly, he is regarded as one of the seven princes of Hell, and also identified with the god who had trouble with Elijah in the Old Testament, but he is not known for fostering "division and intolerance", which, in the eyes of San Franciscans, are the worst sins possible.

The worship of Mammon is also very popular amongst SF Catholics.

The signatories of the letter include various influential Catholics, such as B.L. Zebub, the uncle of the captain of SF's pancake-racing team "The San Francisco Tossers", Lucy Fur, a director of the "Catholics for Abortion" charity, and Belle Phe-Gore, a prominent politician and expert on getting other people to pay carbon taxes.

Archbishop Cordileone - so far uncooperative.

Even though all the signatories to the letter are very very rich, important and famous, it seems that neither Pope Francis nor Archbishop Cordileone of San Francisco currently favours dropping God in favour of one of the more demonic alternatives. We don't often find ourselves in agreement with Cardinal Kasper on this blog, but even that Prince of the Church has declared that "Worshipping Satan is a step too far. Maybe. Well, at least at present." You can't get much more definite than that!

Praying to become an Olympic event

With the news that the 2020 Olympic Games are to be held in Tokyo, it has also been announced that Praying is to become an Olympic event. Prayer is encouraged by religious leaders of all persuasions, and it is only natural that it should now become competitive as it was in the days of Elijah and the prophets of Baal.

A tense moment in the England v India pray-offs.

The rules of the sport are very simple: competitors may pray to any Deity or other Being, alive or dead, and not necessarily of their own nationality (otherwise, God being an Englishman, an unfair advantage would be had by English prayers). Even prayers to the Spirit of Vatican II are allowed. The first competitor to obtain a miracle - as attested by the two umpires - wins the game. In the case of a disagreement, a third umpire will be available, provided with the latest digital miracle-evaluation equipment.

Two sportsmen are miraculously granted halos, but they slip slightly.

Auxiliary equipment is permitted: for example, Catholics have been using the latest in Rosary Technology and Muslims train on special mats. However, certain items, such as the relics of saints, are forbidden. For example, a Spanish prayer was recently disqualified when traces of St Imulant were discovered in his pockets.

Naturally, there are rules regarding what is acceptable as a miracle. Asking for the cure of a sick person is fine, asking for Stephen Fry to shut up for 24 hours is not (however much such a surprising event might benefit humanity).

Another miracle from the English mixed doubles team.

In conclusion, this is definitely a sport in which the British have excellent chances. Between now and 2020 we expect to see an increase in prayer, as "pray-mania" takes over the country. The BBC is already planning to cash in, with programmes such as "The Pray Factor", "Pray Match Special" and "Britain's got Prayers".

There must be money in praying - even Simon Cowell is interested!

1 Kings

Well, I've been a little busy recently doing blog repairs, but the Eccles Bible Project must go on. In particular, I am being telephoned at all hours of the day and night by a retired zoologist in Oxford, who is studying this course with great interest.

Mr Eccles cannot speak to you right now, Professor Dawkins.

"I'm bored, Eccles," says this zoologist, a modest chap who wishes to remain nameless. "Give me more spiritual nourishment, or I'll have to go back to spending all day on Twitter as follows:

Monday: Insult Catholics.
Tuesday: Insult Muslims.
Wednesday: Re-tweet sycophantic remarks saying how great I am.
Thursday:  Insult pro-lifers, opponents of SSM, anyone 
with any moral views.
Friday: Day of abstinence. Off Twitter. Working on new book 
More garbage. I'll think of a better title later.
Saturday: Regret insulting all Catholics; insult the Pope instead.
Sunday: Attend Church of [my name] and accept praise from grateful
worshippers.

So, let's get on with 1 Kings.

Or should it be "3 Kings"?

It's been pointed out to me that some Bibles used by Catholics - although not all - would call this "3 Kings" and the books of Samuel would be 1 Kings and 2 Kings. Well, whatever we call it, it does contain lots of historical stuff about Kings of Israel.

Solomon, son of David, is well-known: ♫ Zadok the priest and Nathan the prophet anoin-ted Sol-o-mo-on KING! ♫ - as Handel put it.

God offers Solomon a wish: Ask what thou wilt that I should give thee. Solomon turns down the obvious things - money, women, Jerusalem to win the cup ... and asks: Give therefore to thy servant an understanding heart, to judge thy people, and discern between good and evil.

THIS PLEASES GOD. So much so that Solomon ends up with lots of money and women as well.

Some of Solomon's 700 mothers-in-law.

Well, that's our bit of moral teaching out of the way. Solomon also builds a temple, which will survive 400 years until Nebuchadnezzar knocks it down to make way for a housing estate. More on that later.

We fast-forward to the death of Solomon the Wise, and the arrival on the scene of his son Rehoboam (or Roboam) the Unwise. His offer to the people is, frankly, not a great vote-winner: My father beat you with whips, but I will beat you with scorpions.

Actually, some of my customers do ask for the "scorpion" service.

For what it's worth, the old men had given better advice than this, but it was the young men who came up with this vote-loser.

So the kingdom is divided - Rehoboam is left with just two of the twelve tribes (in the south), while Jeroboam, a known trouble-maker, gets the other ten (in the north).

A short guide to Biblical characters.

The brand-name Israel goes with Jeroboam's kingdom, although in fact we should be just as interested in the "other one", which is Judah.

One of the most important people not yet mentioned is Elijah (Elias) the prophet, who takes on the rival prophets of Baal and wins. You may say that's not very difficult, really, as Baal is a made-up God, but it does help if you've got a good line to the real God when necessary. Nowadays there are very few people who worship Baal, even in Oxford.

Look, I can see you're fidgeting, Richard. I know it was you who was rustling those papers. And stop pulling Polly Toynbee's hair. Honestly, these Bible classes become harder and harder to control. Go and look up Jezebel, and write me an essay on what happened to her. Something to do with dogs, you'll find...

Jezebel, wife of Ahab, and another villain.

O.K. Class dismissed!