A successful week for Pope Francis

As Pope Francis keeps telling us, he is an old man, and starting to slow down. He hasn't slapped a pilgrim for several weeks, nor personally insulted a cardinal for a month or two. So it is with great pleasure that we can list some of the achievements of his recent trip to Canada.

Confined to a wheelchair but still in control!

1. Idolatory. Pachamama is so 2019, and a go-ahead pope who wants to troll the Catholic Church has got to find a new object of pagan worship. So we are delighted to welcome the Western grandmother, invoked in a "smudging ritual", in which noxious smoke is wafted round the room. Whether she will catch on with Francis-Catholics (now mainly Ivereigh, Lamb, Faggioli and Spadaro) is unclear, but here's Granny!

2. Fake confessions. Who are we to judge, but it may be thought that most Catholics - even the pope - have enough sins of their own to confess without confessing other people's. But no, in a brilliant innovation, Pope Francis has apologised to the Canadians, expressing deep shame and sorrow for various abuses that may or may not have taken place. Well, it certainly stopped anyone from asking embarrassing questions about Gussie Zanchetta!

"Don't worry, Gus, some future pope can apologise for us!"

3. A ritual kick at traditional Catholics. They just won't go away, will they, Francis? That TRADGON deodorant that Arthur Roche bought you doesn't seem to be working. A few bishops share your vindictive attitude to people who are used to the older forms of worship, but most are still ignoring you and hoping that the men in white coats will soon cart you off to the loony bin. Meanwhile, however, carry on insulting! Today's new one is BACKWARDIST. A good one, eh? When your popemobile is rushing down the hill towards a chasm, it's the backwardist who tries to stop it. Austen Ivereigh thinks it's brilliant!

4. Evolution of doctrine. As Pope Francis keeps stressing, doctrine evolves. What was a sin in the 1960s (or even the 1st century) may no longer be a sin! Conversely, there are new sins, such as advertising a Latin Mass in your parish bulletin, which earlier popes would have thought hilarious. Watch out, Humanae Vitae, we're gunning for you!

A nasty rigid backwardist pope! Which idiot canonized him? Oh...

Freedom convoy approaches Rome

The "Freedom convoy" of trucks, travelling towards Rome to demonstrate against the restrictions on the Traditional Latin Mass imposed by the edict Traditionis Custodes and its sequel, the Made-up Dubia of Arthur Roche, is making good progress. Within a day or two it will be driving round St Peter's Square, honking its horns in a Gregorian Chant.

The convoy approaches the Alps.

Said one long-distance driver, Joe Shaw of Oxford, "When you're on the road for long periods of time, you need to be able to stop occasionally for a TLM. And now this is becoming very difficult for us truckers."

Prime Minister Francis has dismissed the demonstration, saying "The small fringe minority of people who are on their way to Rome hold unacceptable views. These do not represent the views of the Catholic Church, which has been around since Vatican II. Following the New Scientific Mass is the best way to Build Back Better."

A priest invites those stressed by the convoy to breath in and breath out at Mass.

Others have been more forthright in their condemnation of the demonstration. Ivereigh Towers, the faithful attack poodle of Francis, is in no doubt that the Traditional Latin Mass is a sin and needs to be condemned as such. With his usual sensitivity, he has described those who prefer the order and consistency of the TLM to the "make it up as we go along, let's do some heavy breathing now" seen in some Novus Ordo services, as "oddballs". These apparently include the introverted and Asperger's sufferers ("oddballs" is a sensitive term much used by psychiatrists). Somehow he forgot to use the word "fascists" but that will be in his next piece.

"Convoy sighted. Missals Missiles ready, lads!"

Late news: Uncle Arthur Roche, the Yorkshire terrier turned CDW supremo, is driving a bus of TC supporters to meet the convoy. Since he insists on facing his passengers at all times, he is finding it hard to steer the bus in a straight line. So no change there.

Why Michael Coren is wrong

Dear Michael Coren,

As the publishers of your book Why Catholics are right, we have received with perplexity the news that you have left the Catholic Church (again), and have signed up for the Anglican Church of Canada.

This would seem like a golden opportunity to revise your brilliant book, and the first task is to find a new title. Do you prefer Why Catholics are wrong or Why Canadian Anglicans are right? We suspect that the first title will sell more copies, as nobody really cares what the Canadian Anglicans believe, if, in fact they believe anything at all.

We won't pulp our remaining stock, in case you change your mind again.

Getting down to details, now, we wonder what edits will be needed to update the book. Here are a few suggestions.

OLD: The Virgin Mary is really cool, don't you think? Respect for her is a sign that we respect all women.

NEW: Anne Boleyn is really cool, don't you think? Certainly worth founding a church for!

Our founder loved her so much that he cut her head off.

OLD: The Spanish Inquisition wasn't that bad, you know. The French Revolution was far worse.

NEW: The Canadian Anglican Inquisition wasn't that bad, you know. In fact they mainly went around cutting down trees.

Nobody expects the Canadian Anglican Inquisition!

OLD: Christ said that marriage should be between a man and a woman. And we Catholics think He was probably right.

NEW: If it's one things we Anglicans believe in, it's equal wedding cakes for all.

Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker's man. Bake me a cake OR I'LL RUIN YOU.

There will doubtless be more substantial changes required, but I hope that these suggestions meet with your general approval.

Yours sincerely,

Fred Apostate,
Managing Director, Apostate and Heretic Books.

P.S. You are still one of our best-selling comic authors!