This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Saturday 4 January 2020

The ancient art of Papa-Slappa

As a public service to our readers, we shall explain the art of Papa-Slappa. This is the traditional Catholic form of self-defence, analogous to the Buddhists' Shaolin Kung-Fu, the Muslims' Allahu-Akbar, and the Anglicans' Wishee-Washee.

Pope slap 1

A Papa-Slappa white-belt master prepares to strike.

In the modern Catholic Church, all weapons are condemned, and so Jesu-i masters have developed techniques of self-defence known only to those Jesu-i knights who have reached the highest level. Rather than hitting each other with light sabers, the Jesu-is use Papa-Slappa to subdue their adversaries.

The basic technique is to lure the victim into a false sense of security, so that they believe they will receive a blessing, or at least that their petitions will be heard. Then WHOP! and they are left reeling.

Massimo in the desert

A scene from Return of the Jesu-i featuring the robot MA55-1MO.

Traditionally the Swiss Guard have been armed with light sabers and other offensive weapons, but under the guidance of Jesu-i master O-be-goglio they have been asked to abandon these arms and train in the skills of Papa-Slappa instead. As we said at the Amazon synod, when worshipping wooden statues, "May the farce be with you!"

Pope slap 2

Another demonstration of Papa-Slappa is about to take place.

WARNING: Papa-Slappa is NOT a game. It is a martial art that requires years of practice and can cause serious injury (the Chinese lady in our first picture is currently convalescing in the St Nicholas home for wounded Catholics). Initiates should begin by practising with less aggressive martial arts, such as the Kissa-Peace, before attempting Papa-Slappa.


  1. "....and the Anglicans' Wishee-Washee" lol, Eccles, this is pure brilliance! Where DO you get your inspiration!?

  2. "...white-belt master..." New keyboard needed.

  3. It certainly helps when dealing with rigidity in Catholics - just knock 'em over...

  4. This lady got Pope Benedict's attention on Christmas Eve 2009. Perhaps such an approach would have worked with Francis.

  5. I am not impressed much, the martial art called ju-jisus of the so-called jisuits is far more spectacular. You take a couple of stone tablets, inscribe them with taunts, like "thou shall not commit adultery", the jisuit breaks them to pieces with a single strike.