With the news that the Vatican is to have its own cricket team, it is clear that
some readers would appreciate a handy cut-out-and-throw-away guide to the
game of Christianity.
The laws of cricket, however, are well known.
1. In the game of Christianity, there are two teams, called the
saints and the sinners.
2. The team of sinners is much larger than the team of saints, and
beginners will usually start there. This is called original sin.
Howzat? An original sinner.
3. The object of the game is for the sinners to become saints. The saints will
help this, but other sinners will
try and prevent this.
4. Declaring one's innings closed is considered bad form, although not
against the laws of the game. Causing someone else's innings to end
is more serious, and the party responsible loses the game.
5. At various stages in the game a "tempter" will run up and
attempt to get past a player's guard. Points are scored for batting away such
attacks.
6. The player who is batting has a variety of scoring shots available, all with technical
names such as praying, fasting, alms-giving, etc.
7. A cry of "Alleluia!" or "'Owzat?" will greet the end of an innings.
8. There is a Trinity of umpires. Two of these are out on the field, but one is
pavilioned in splendour and girded with praise. Their decision is final.
The pavilion at Lourdes cricket ground.
Meanwhile, as the Vatican decides whether to recognise the controversial
events at Medjugorje as apparitions of the Virgin Mary, it has been
asked to adjudicate on another controversial event.
Probably NOT Mary.
According to a part-time mystic, Brother Eccles, he was on holiday in the village of
Muddlejorge, when he awoke
from a doze to see an old lady in the room with him, smelling of gin. She
screamed "WOEFUL!" at him, hit him over the head with a bottle, and
then herself fell to the
floor and started snoring. Eccles blacked out for a while, and when he
regained consciousness, the lady had vanished.
A Vatican spokesman said: "As in the case of Medjugorje,
this is totally unlike the
apparitions of the Virgin Mary that we have
so far accepted - Lourdes, Fatima, Walsingham, etc. - in both the appearance and the
message of the alleged apparition.
However, 'Woeful!' is probably
a good rendering of Mary's views of the current state of the world, so perhaps
it was a genuine apparition after all. Who knows?"
Eccles's Auntie Moly was unavailable for comment.
Finally, the Vatican has withdrawn a papal medal where the name "JESUS" was
misspelt as "LESUS".
I blame the Lesuits.
In fact, this is not the first time that J and L have been confused in
religious circles. In the
first century, in an attempt to appease the Romans, St John wrote "God is Jove".
However, this was transcribed as "God is Love", and we have had to live with
the consequences ever since.
