The sin against synodality

Most readers are aware of the seven deadly sins - pride, greed, wrath, envy, lust, gluttony and sloth - and some readers may even have committed some of them. Mea culpa - I am particularly guily of sloth, and have even tried to encourage others to commit that sin (if they can be bothered!)

A typical "sloth pride" march - nobody turned up.

But now Pope Francis has come up with a list of new sins, and the synodal participants will request forgiveness "in the name of all the baptized" for a rather confused list of things he doesn't like.

The most important of these sins is of course the "sin against synodality". So I went to my priest and made the following confession.

"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have not practised kenotic decentering, nor have I enlarged the space of my tent.

Pope Francis and Cardinal Cupich enlarge the space of their tent.

Worse, I do not breathe synodality into every component of academic theology, and I do not embrace the principle of circularity that animates the whole synodal process."

My priest interrupted. "Which aspect of 'PLACE' do you think is most important in shaping relationships within the Church? Are you an athlete and standard-bearer of synodality?"

I blushed, and continued:

"Er, synodality is essentially missionary, and, vice-versa, mission is always synodal. So I try to respect the protagonism of the Spirit as a new way of being Church."

But he was not fooled. The penance he gave me was a real killer: "GO AWAY AND SPEND THREE WEEKS SITTING AT A ROUND TABLE WITH AUSTEN IVEREIGH."

Mea culpa! Mea maxima culpa!

Hieronymus Bosch's depiction of souls in torment.

New eco-friendly catechism

Plastic

92357 Basing itself on Sacred Scripture, which presents the use of plastic as an act of grave depravity, tradition has always declared that "plastic is intrinsically disordered." It is contrary to the natural law. It does not proceed from a genuine love of Mother Nature as shown to us through Pachamama. Under no circumstances can it be approved.

92358 The inclination to use plastic is objectively disordered, but the number of men and women who feel such deep-seated urges is not negligible. They must be accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity. Every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided. These persons are called to fulfill God's will in their lives and, if they are Christians, to unite to the sacrifice of the Lord's Cross the difficulties they may encounter from their condition.

92359 God in His mercy has provided for us Green Bins, in which to caste away all plastics that may prevent us from approaching Christian perfection. Although some of us are endowed with bins that are blue, or even rainbow-coloured, they too can be seen as blessings unto us.

92360 Many of us are also blessed with bins of another colour; for example, we may have a brown bin into which may be cast all that is biodegradable, that it may be return to Mother Earth as compost. To throw into our brown bin those gifts that are not worthy of it, such as plastics, wooden idols, and glass bottles, is morally inadmissible; wrongdoers must pray and fast, and may only receive forgiveness from a bishop.

© Pope Francis and Cardinal G. Thunberg

Cast away your sins, that ye may be forgiven!

James Martin discovers sin

Living the sheltered life of a New York Jesuit, surrounded by homosexuals, attending the odd "gay" Mass, being a close friend of Cardinal Cupich, and fraternising with actors and political campaigners such Steve Colbert, my hero Fr James J. Martin SJ has few opportunities for encountering sin.

Indeed, being a good modernist, Fr James has realised that there are nowadays very few sins. Homosexual acts? No. Adultery? No. Abortion? Well, maybe, but it's best not to upset our Democrat friends by mentioning it too loudly. Climate Change? No doubt - wasn't that how the Red Sea got divided?

But let's get serious now.

One of the few sins left.

A spokesman for the AFGH (All Foreigners Go Home) community told us: "We are very disppointed with Fr Jim's attitude. When is he going to build bridges towards us? Why no special AFGH masses? May I point out that we have a very inclusive community with members of all creeds and colours - white people who hate blacks, black people who hate whites, loonies who hate Martians, dogs who hate cats, you name it. But not a sign of welcome from Fr Jim!"

A racist cat goes out mouse-bashing.

It is true that the Vatican has a more enlightened attitude to welcoming racists. Dear old Cardinal Kasper told us that African Catholics "should not tell us too much what we have to do" at the time of the 2014 Synod on Dropping the Idea of Sin. It's true he denied it until it was pointed out that Edward Pentin had a recording of the interview. But then the LCPF (Liars, Cheats, Perjurers and Frauds) community explained that there was no problem with this.

Steve Colbert wishes to point out that he is not a member of the AFGH Community.

Anyway, once he has thought about this more carefully, we expect Fr Jim to give a more humane Jesuitical welcome to racists, who, after all, only need accompaniment, discernment, and perhaps a course of Ignatian yoga, in order to be feel welcome in the Catholic Church.

Celebrate Lent the Jesuit way!

As compiled by some of our favourite Jesuits, including Superior General Arturo Sosa, Fr James Martin, and of course Pope Francis.

Soon to be plagiarised as "Celebrate Lent the Basilian way" by Fr Thomas Rosica.

1. Give up sin.

This novel idea seems to originate from the Canadian bishops.

Giving up sin is probably not something that occurred to you before, but it's very easy: most things that we used to think of as "sin" turn out to be simply "alternative lifestyles". Still, there may be some bad habits that you really ought to drop, at least for the 40 days of Lent - speaking Latin, pushing old ladies under buses, hard drugs such as coccopalmerio, etc.

Every time you are tempted to sin, write the sin down on a piece of paper, and save it for later. That way you can have a really Happy Easter when you let it all go!

2. Build bridges.

Are you doing enough for the LGBTQSJ community in Lent? It is not necessary for you to "come out" in Lent, and certainly God is not (yet) asking you to "change gender", but you should certainly try and build bridges with your LGBTQSJ neighbours. Why not ask your parish priest if he is thinking of changing sex? This is guaranteed to put you in a good light, as a loving caring person. Tell him that whatever lifestyle he chooses to adopt, you are not going to judge him, and you think he is doing a fine job.

3. Take up Ignatian Yoga.

Fr Martin's classes start soon. Bring your rainbow leotard!

This discipline is good for your bodily health, as well as your spiritual development. Originating with the Buddhists, Hindus, and Jains, it has not been seen as a part of Catholic teaching until now. However, it is now generally recognised that sitting around cross-legged and intoning the sacred words So Sa, Mah Teen, Reese, Bah Go Lee Oh and "letting it all hang out" is the best way to get on the path of enlightenment.

There will soon be a new book out, "How to twist things," in which Fr Martin will explain how a flexible approach is always the best.

4. Spiritual reading.

Lent is a good time for avoiding the Bible, because, as General Sosa says, "It ain't necessarily so," since there were no tape-recorders available when it was written. Instead, go for the works of deep thinkers such as Leonardo Boff, Hans Küng, Tony Flannery, etc., or sit on a bus reading out passages from the the Tablet to your ecstatic neighbours.

As recommended by Pope Francis. Try screaming on the bus to show your support!

5. Respect the environment.

This really follows from (4), as your spiritual reading should include Laudato Si'. Think of new ways of saving the planet! Old polythene bags can be sewn together to make wonderful vestments for your priest - don't worry if his chasuble bears the mysterious word "Tesco", for it is all part of celebrating God's creation. Plastic straws can be stuck in your hair, and these will add a little colour to your liturgical dancing.

6. Stop gossiping.

Pope Francis SJ has asked us to include this discipline in our list. Gossiping includes trying to find out what is going on in the Vatican, asking Dubia of the Pope, issuing filial corrections, and indeed any embarrassing Church news. In the words of Jesus, when He went into the wilderness: "Give us a break, guys!"

Remember that the Vatican is getting tough on abuse these days. We had a wonderful summit on the subject, in which we agreed that everything is more-or-less fine really, and we can't see what all the fuss is about. So woe on ye if ye say otherwise!

Have a fun Lent!

Fr James Martin answers your questions

Dear Fr Martin. I understand that you are a Bridge expert?

Jim: Yes, my son!

In his new book Fr Jim argues that the LGBT Church must accept Catholics.

Well, answer me this then. The bidding at a game in my seminary went as follows:

North-South vulnerable, East-West predatory.
2 Hearts
I'd like to make a pass.
Game?
I am if you are.

West has no honour, so how should he bid?

Playing the Jesuit convention: make up the rules as you go along.

Jim: NO TRUMP! NO TRUMP! NO TRUMP! Oh how we hate him!

I have a very simple question, Fr Jim. Is there anything at all that you consider sinful?

Actually, sin is never mentioned in the Bible, so who am I to say that anything is wrong? Still, I do get cross when Fr Thomas Reese steals the last fairy cake, or whenever someone calls me a heretic. Don't they realise that I am now a very important adviser to Pope Francis?

THE GAY BRIDGE DISASTER

Beautiful Bridge so proudly gay!
Alas! I am very sorry to say
That thousands of souls have been led astray
By that wretched book on building a bridge,
The Catholic way, including, er, um, bondage.

William McGonagall SJ.

Let's forget all this bridge nonsense for a moment, Fr Jim. Could you explain again your theory that Mary Magdalene was the first bishop? It always brings me out in giggles...

Is sin objectively disordered or just differently ordered?

Is bonkers heretic ought Martin laicised who James SJ completely a be to!

At first sight that sentence doesn't make much sense, and some old-fashioned readers might even say that it was out of order - disordered, even. But no, according to modern Catholic thinking it is merely differently ordered, and that is just as good!

Haterf Mesaj Irantm JS (a man in Holy Disorders).

We don't talk about Good and Evil, or Sin, any more. In the New Jesuit Bible "The wages of sin is death" becomes "The wages of being differently ordered is a nice job in Rome." Likewise, "Deliver us from evil" becomes "Let us be accepted as differently ordered."

We all love Fr James Martin LBGTSJ, the Pope's special adviser on comedy, morality, and theology; writer of as many books as Dan Brown (although they are not as spiritually nourishing, I'm afraid). We are grateful to sunny Jim for changing the vocabulary of modern religion.

We don't say "Tidy your room," we say "How nice, it's differently ordered."

Let's have some more wisdom from the New Jesuit Bible. Job's "God has turned me over to the ungodly and thrown me into the clutches of the wicked" is certainly not merciful, indeed it is disgustingly judgemental. It now becomes "God has introduced me to some rather charming Jesuits, who are teaching me a differently ordered lifestyle."

One final example from the Book of Proverbs: "A false witness will not go unpunished, and whoever pours out lies will perish." Fr James and his team find this passage particularly offensive, and have rendered it as "There is no such thing as objective truth, merely a differently ordered presentation of the facts. This is perfectly fine with us."

A differently-ordered Heaven awaits us!

Archbishop suddenly discovers sin

It's not been a good weekend for the Archbishop of Canterbury. Not only has his video nasty "The Lord's Prayer" been banned in cinemas, as already recorded, but he has suddenly been introduced to the notion of sin.

Specifically, he said that the recent terrorist murders in Paris led him to ask God where He was.

The three wise primates - see no evil, etc.

It is unusual for a man to reach the rank of archbishop without knowing that there is an inexhaustible well of evil in the world, but it can happen. As His Grace explains, "In the oil industry, where I began my career, there were very few acts of violence, unless you count the great Esso-Shell-Texaco gang warfare of the 1980s. The Church of England, where I am now, is full of people who believe themselves to be totally without sin, and they're probably right. Admittedly, we have this thing called 'General Confession', but it's so vague as to be meaningless. 'Erred and strayed from thy ways like lost sheep'? Doesn't sound too bad, does it?"

More tea, Justin? Eccles educates an archbishop.

We pointed out to Archbishop Welby that people had been murdering each other ever since the days of Cain and Abel, not to mention the great massacres of the Reformation, and a few (alleged) sinners in the 20th century such as Hitler, Stalin and Mao. "Oh, they must have slipped my mind," he admitted.

We then pointed out that one of the reasons that Jesus came into the world, apart from amusing Himself by turning water into wine and making large quantities of fish sandwiches, was to bear the sins of the world. This struck the archbishop as a brilliantly original theory: "You mean that my whole job is based on the fact that there is evil in the world?" he asked. "Well, well, I never thought of that one. You've really taught me a thing or two, Eccles!"

The Archbishop was startled when we told him that Christians were being martyred in the Middle East.

We planned to conclude our little chat with a prayer together, namely, "Our Father", which also mentions sins, but, out of consideration for the feelings of the National Secular Society, we decided not to do anything so controversial.

BBC sacks man for using the S-word

It has been reported that the the BBC has sacked one of its Thought for the day speakers, Fr Jeremiah Clarkson, for using the "highly offensive" S-word. Obviously on an invariably polite and courteous blog such as this one we cannot print the S-word in full, but for those who don't know what we are talking about, it begins with S and rhymes with "dinner".

"Stig" Eccles, a colleague of Fr Clarkson.

Said a spokesman for the BBC, "Times have changed, and language that would have been perfectly acceptable 50 years ago is now regarded as offensive. The S-word has not been used in polite company for a long time. The important message of religion is that God loves us all (or, when the Muslim speaker is on, that God hates us all), and to call someone a S... oops, it nearly slipped out, there - is grossly offensive."

Fr Giles Fraser, a seasoned Thought for the Day veteran, agrees: "When I see someone acting in a really unpleasant way - for example, repeating Christ's views on marriage - I may go so far as to call them a Bigot, but I would never insult anyone by using the S-word. After all, the concepts of Good and Evil aren't compatible with modern secular religion."

Cynthia Payne (Madame Cyn), a well-respected moral philosopher these days.

---

In other news, our Boat of Fools sent its "mystery worshipper" to check out the Harvard Black Mass. It turns out that the attendance was rather small, as the publicity on the church noticeboard was unappealing, to say the least.

The Devil does not have the best advertising agency.

Some people were attracted to the Harvard church by the prospect of seeing a virgin sacrificed; however, when they saw what was on offer, they hastily made their excuses and left.

Ceci n'est pas une nonne.

Justin Welby redefines sin

The Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, has signalled that the Anglican Church (well, some of it) will now abandon its resistance to same-sex marriage. This is part of a new far-ranging review of the nature of sin - the point being that it is anomalous for the established Church of England to be in conflict with the laws of the land.

From now on, teaching based on scripture and tradition will be abandoned, since it cannot be updated. Instead, following negotiations with the police force, there is one simple rule for salvation:

If it's legal, it's moral. If it's moral, it's legal.

OUTGOING: All those "sins" which are no longer illegal, such as wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony are now repealed. Fancy some Sabbath-breaking, adultery, fornication, same-sex relationships, or worshipping false gods? Go ahead, chum. God can't touch you for it.

Only sinful if you are obstructing the traffic.

INCOMING: Make sure that from now on you acknowledge all breaches of the law: from now on, these are all redefined as sins. Did you drive a car without wearing a seatbelt? SINNER! Did you sell a wrongly-shaped banana in contravention of EU Directive E/1601303/ZLOBB/Q? REPENT, OR YOU WILL GO TO HELL!

Forgive me, Father, for I have sold a wrongly-shaped banana.

These changes will filter down to the liturgy of Anglican services. Out go traditional forms of words such as "We confess and acknowledge our manifold sins and wickednesses". Instead, we shall hear the following words (possibly set to a happy-clappy anthem):

PRIEST: Hello, hello, hello. What's all this, then?
CONGREGATION: It's a fair cop, Guv'nor. I dunnit orl right. 

The Prodigal Son realises that he's been moving pigs without a permit.

The nature of Good and Evil is constantly evolving - in the Church of England we have long since got away from the idea of a "God" who makes up the rules - so it is good that a logical doctrinal position is now being taken. Naturally, as time goes on, new sins will defined, and some old ones repealed. One all-purpose sin that is currently under review is Denial. Do you deny that same-sex couples are really married? Do you deny that whatever sort of winter we have, wet, dry, warm or cold, it is evidence of climate change? Do you deny that Stephen Fry is hilariously funny? YOU ARE A BIGOT AND A SINNER AND YOU WILL NOT BE SAVED.

Forgive me, O Lord, for I am bigoted.

Church of England agrees to bless everything

Peace has finally arrived in the Church of England, as it has been agreed that from now on all actions, beliefs, and lifestyle choices are to be blessed.

"Bless everything!" says Sir Joseph Pillbox.

More specifically, in the new non-judgemental C of E it is forbidden to condemn or even criticise other people's actions. After all, when Jesus said "Judge not that ye be not judged," what he really meant was "Close your eyes to other people's actions and on no account interfere."

"Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil" (Epistle to the Amoralians).

Minority groups in the Church of England have been quick to demand their own blessings. Said one spokesman, Charles Litton of the association of burglars, safe-crackers and jewel thieves: "It will be a great comfort to our members if the local vicar can conduct a short service of blessing before we go out and make a dishonest living."

Said a local vicar, "At first sight some may imagine that stealing is condemned once or twice in the Bible; however, over the years we have managed to get more of an insight into what God really wants from us, and you can take it from me that He really doesn't care if people make a lifestyle choice involving what used to be known as sin."

"Monsieur, I think someone here is in need of a blessing."

As words of confession and forgiveness are deleted from the liturgy - being no longer needed - they are to be replaced by new ceremonies, so that the C of E can provide all-purpose services of blessing: these range from elaborate rituals for blessing conjugal unions involving three men and an elephant, down to "quickies" for people who are planning to pop into the supermarket and shoplift a jar of coffee. From now on, the slogan will be "DO WHATEVER YOU LIKE - JUST MAKE SURE YOU GET A PROPER BLESSING."

"It looks dodgy to me, Brian, but if you're sure you're Blessed..."

A non-hierarchical Catholic Church

Jerusalem, A.D. 31

As a result of a stiff letter from the Judaean Popular Front for Church Reform demanding an abolishment of the Catholic hierarchy and the ordination of women and homosexual priests, Pope Peter has stunned the Catholic world by agreeing to all the demands made.

... and someone else can look after these keys: I'm always losing them.

Said the Less-holy-than-before Father, "In fact the demands of the JPFCR seemed to be entirely reasonable. I'm happy to step down as Pope and just return to being a humble fisherman who dabbles in religion occasionally. I've sacked the other 11 disciples, who frankly can get a bit irritating sometimes, especially Doubting Thomas: the man is a bit of a loose cannon, always giving embarrassing interviews. So from now on it's every man (and of course woman, and anyone who is not sure) for himself or herself. Well, at least it gets me out of a probable martyrdom."

Do-it-yourself Holy Scripture. Throw these tiles into the air and see what teaching is revealed.

The Judaean Popular Front for Church Reform is a major dissident Catholic group, incorporating, amongst others, A Call to Actions of the Apostles, Call for Women Apostles, Call to Disobedience, Call Me A Cab, and Call Me Dave (the campaign for homosexual "marriage"). It is now somewhat nonplussed, as all its demands have been met in full and the Catholic Church has imploded.

Said Robert Blair Caesarea, one of the leaders of the JPFCA, "We were hoping to see the ordination of women apostles, but now it seems that there won't be any apostles at all, not even directly-elected ones produced as a result of a modern democratic process involving extensive fund-raising, costly advertising campaigns, primaries, and finally a bit of subtle vote-rigging."

St Stephen - unlikely to get stoned now.

So where next for the Catholic Church? Some "traddy" Christians are saying that it might be a good idea to have a common core of beliefs, but their first mission statement, "NOLITE PECCARE" (do not sin), was rejected as being hopelessly out of date in 1st century Judaea. It has since been modified, after consultation with JPFCA to "IMPOSSIBILE EST PECCARE" (it is not possible to sin), which certainly makes everyone feel better all round.

The ex-Apostle Timothy reacts to a woman "priest".