Jesus was basically a very Christian sort of person, you see; of course, he would have dropped the awkward bits of Christianity, such as claiming to be the Son of God, and perhaps gone in for a more touchy-feely version of the faith, perhaps influenced by Buddhism. Maybe he would have become a Jedi knight, and preached a good wholesome creed such as "May the Force be with you" (et cum spiritu tuo, Ed.) before hitting people with strip lights.
Elton John, with Jorge Bergoglio and Damian Thompson, in the 1970s.
Probably, Jesus would have come out as a gay man and entered into a civil partnership and then marriage with John, "the beloved disciple". Next, by means of a mysterious procedure which probably involves women somewhere along the line - but this isn't important - they'd have produced a couple of bizarrely-named sons, perhaps called Jeffrey Elton Messiah-John and Dwight Furniture Messiah-John.
Jeffrey Elton Messiah-John.
Of course Jesus was all about love, compassion, forgiveness and having a really kinky time - especially when this means that two or more people of the same sex - or hey, even different sexes! - can get together and do what they like. My old friend Jorge (like me he changed his name to something cooler) has stripped his church down to the bare bones, and when he said "Who am I to judge?" his real message was "Elton, get your trousers off!"
More from the historic meeting of Damian, Jorge and Elton.
Of course what Jorge needs to do now is to appoint lots of gay priests, especially married ones. It's what Jesus would have wanted, and I know that this is one of the pope's main priorities. I have offered my services as an adviser on spiritual matters, along with other great minds such as Catherine Pepinster and Nancy Pelosi, and I expect to be given a humble role - perhaps as Cardinal John, head prefect (and milk monitor) of the Congregation of the Doctrine of the Faith - just as soon as the pope gets round to reading my e-mail!
Elton plays "Scandal in the Wind".
The laws of cricket, however, are well known.
1. In the game of Christianity, there are two teams, called the saints and the sinners.
2. The team of sinners is much larger than the team of saints, and beginners will usually start there. This is called original sin.
Howzat? An original sinner.
3. The object of the game is for the sinners to become saints. The saints will help this, but other sinners will try and prevent this.
4. Declaring one's innings closed is considered bad form, although not against the laws of the game. Causing someone else's innings to end is more serious, and the party responsible loses the game.
5. At various stages in the game a "tempter" will run up and attempt to get past a player's guard. Points are scored for batting away such attacks.
6. The player who is batting has a variety of scoring shots available, all with technical names such as praying, fasting, alms-giving, etc.
7. A cry of "Alleluia!" or "'Owzat?" will greet the end of an innings.
8. There is a Trinity of umpires. Two of these are out on the field, but one is pavilioned in splendour and girded with praise. Their decision is final.
The pavilion at Lourdes cricket ground.
Meanwhile, as the Vatican decides whether to recognise the controversial events at Medjugorje as apparitions of the Virgin Mary, it has been asked to adjudicate on another controversial event.
Probably NOT Mary.
According to a part-time mystic, Brother Eccles, he was on holiday in the village of Muddlejorge, when he awoke from a doze to see an old lady in the room with him, smelling of gin. She screamed "WOEFUL!" at him, hit him over the head with a bottle, and then herself fell to the floor and started snoring. Eccles blacked out for a while, and when he regained consciousness, the lady had vanished.
A Vatican spokesman said: "As in the case of Medjugorje, this is totally unlike the apparitions of the Virgin Mary that we have so far accepted - Lourdes, Fatima, Walsingham, etc. - in both the appearance and the message of the alleged apparition. However, 'Woeful!' is probably a good rendering of Mary's views of the current state of the world, so perhaps it was a genuine apparition after all. Who knows?"
Eccles's Auntie Moly was unavailable for comment.
Finally, the Vatican has withdrawn a papal medal where the name "JESUS" was misspelt as "LESUS".
I blame the Lesuits.
In fact, this is not the first time that J and L have been confused in religious circles. In the first century, in an attempt to appease the Romans, St John wrote "God is Jove". However, this was transcribed as "God is Love", and we have had to live with the consequences ever since.
St Matthew the blogger, with another scoop.
Several news items first revealed in religious blogs are known to have irritated Our Lord. For example, St Matthew posted an in-depth investigation of His ancestry, tracing it back to King David - his blog post "Jesus the Toff" is considered to be in bad taste, challenging as it does Our Lord's claims to be born of quite humble origins, and certainly not as well-off as, say, Owen Jones.
Another gossipy post "What happened to the gold?" reveals that Our Lord's father accepted gifts from three wise men on His behalf, and promptly decamped to Egypt in order to avoid having to declare them on his tax return - ironically, he was only in Bethlehem for tax reasons in the first place.
The Magi Circle - is their loot now in an Egyptian bank vault?
St Luke the blogger is also known to have offended Our Lord, by tactlessly revealing details of the famous "Jerusalem" incident, when He was 12 years old and played truant. It was claimed that He was found three days later, asking questions of some mysterious "doctors" in the temple.
Even St John the blogger, who is generally regarded as being particularly close to Our Lord, has not scrupled to spread gossip about Him. Most recently, Our Lord has been accused of stealing a donkey and riding it into Jerusalem. Some people have also been shocked to learn that He washed His associates' feet. (It seems that He did not wash any women's feet, because it is generally considered unchivalrous to suggest that a woman's feet are dirty...)
Is this linked with the vandalism of a row of palm trees?
Other church leaders have repeated Our Lord's criticism of gossip. Most recently, Archbishop Judas Iscariot has preached a sermon condemning religious blogs. Some malicious bloggers have retaliated by suggesting that ++Judas has something to hide - for example, there are persistent rumours of dodgy financial transactions involving a sum of as much as 30 pieces of silver.
Two wealthy Arabs, in traditional costume, watch events with interest.
As St Mark, another leading blogger, put it, "Writing blogs is generally thought to be a sure way to get on the fast track to sainthood. But if it is going to be condemned at the highest level, then I may give it up, and take to travelling. I've always wanted to see Alexandria."
Alexandria: disillusioned bloggers visit the lighthouse.
St Pinocchio is venerated in many South American churches.
Pinocchio is an unusual saint, having originally been constructed as a wooden puppet. His life is well documented in Carlo Collodi's biography, but his main claim to fame is the story of his nose. As Pope Francis explained in his sermon on St Pinocchio's day: "The nose of St Pinocchio is a lesson to all of us. It grew in length whenever he told lies, thus teaching him the Christian virtues of truth and honesty."
Pinocchio, before he became human (and saved).
Knowing that the new Holy Father looks favourably on the representation of St Pinocchio at Mass, many traditionalist parishes - such as Our Lady of the Rosary in Blackfen, the Church of Our Saviour in New York City, and Santissima Trinità dei Pellegrini in Rome - are expecting to employ giant dolls as an aid to worship in the near future.
The Brompton Oratory - when will we see Pinocchio puppets at Solemn High Mass?
St Pinocchio himself later became human - indeed, the wood became flesh, as St John almost put it. The circumstances of his eventual death are unclear, and some versions of the legend state that "he lived happily ever after." In that case he is still around somewhere, perhaps even writing a blog.
Other religious figures seen at High Mass (note Melvyn Bragg behind Our Lord).
Matthew - his blog is read by millions.
"I was there first," claimed Matthew angrily. "As most people know, two names have to be submitted to Jesus, for Him to make the final decision. These names were Simon Peter and Judas Iscariot, and it was felt that Judas was not the person to bring the Church into the First Century, although he might be very influential in the Twenty-first. Mark and Luke, bloggers and journalists for the Synoptic Newspapers, got the story from my Twitter feed. And poor old John hasn't even reported the story yet - I think he can't believe he didn't get the top job himself!"
Being Archbishop of Galilee brings with it various privileges - for example, Peter is guaranteed canonization, and the keys to Heaven - but brings with it the dangers of martyrdom, especially if (as seems probable) the see is moved to Rome.
"So the big key opens the Gates of Heaven, and the small one opens the Saints' washroom?"
Mark, of the Synoptic Times, and Luke, of the Synoptic Telegraph, were angrily maintaining today that they were the ones with the scoop. "Matthew even got the facts wrong about President Herod's re-election," they sneered. "He was tipping the other candidate, Romani."
Over at the Galilee Tablet, Catherine Philistia was angrily complaining that Christ needed to move into the First Century and appoint a woman to head His Church. "I've got a friend called Tina Beelzebub who would be perfect at the job," she insisted. "We know who's really backing Christ - it's an old Man living far away with His head in the clouds!"
John - with a scoop of his own.
Job
1. And the Lord spake unto Job, saying, "Job, my good servant, thou hast suffered many tribulations. Here is a wondrous book by Eccles, that thou mayest read. Hopefully it will comfort thee in thy woe."
2. And Job took the book and said unto himself "Lo! It is a jolly good read. I shall tell all my friends in the Old Testament, that they may also profit from it."
3. But, as he was reading the wise words of Eccles, an angel knocked at the door, and caused Job to drop the book. It fell out of his hands and landed on his toe.
4. And the toe of Job swelled up, and caused unto him grievous pain. Yeah, it was ready to fall off completely.
5. And Job cursed, saying, "It goeth to be one of those days again, doth it not?"
Dr Samuel Johnson
I [Boswell] shewed unto Dr Johnson a new book that had arrived that very day, penned by the hand of one Eccles. "I know not the writer," said the Doctor. "Read me some of his words."
I read to him the passage in which Eccles told the story of his Australian aunt, she who had complained about possums knocking over a pile of tin cans in her garden.
"This Eccles is indeed a wise writer," said the Doctor. "He sayeth non possum, while his aunt says possum. But she sayeth I can while her very cans are disordered."
We all laughed merrily at the doctor's brilliant remarks, and I undertook to publish them on my blog.
St John the Evangelist
1. And this is the testimony of Eccles, when the Jews sent from Jerusalem priests and Levites to him, to ask him: Who art thou?
2. And he confessed, and did not deny: and he confessed: I am not the Christ.
3.And they asked him: What then? Art thou Damian Thompson? And he said: I am not. Art thou Pope Benedict? And he answered: No.
4. They said therefore unto him: Who art thou, that we may give an answer to them that sent us? What sayest thou of thyself?
5. He said: I am the voice of a saved person blogging in the wilderness. And all who read my blog shall be slightly saved too.
William Shakespeare
From This one's a waste of time as well
KING: Tell me, fool, of what manner is this book of Eccles?
FOOL: Sire, it like unto the apple tree that grew in the Garden of Eden. For it contains all the knowledge of good and evil. Then again, it seemeth to me to resemble the golden hippopotamus of legend, that which floated on the breezes of the Hesperides and which led Orlando to destruction in the Pass of Roncesvalles.
KING: Which legend is that, fool? I know it not.
FOOL: Me neither, Sire, I was just testing thee. Still, 'tis an excellent goodly book, and containeth great wisdom.
