Design your own God!

As a service to my friend "Archbishop" Justin Welby (He/Him on the one hand, She/Her on the other hand, and also Bleep/Bloop in a very real sense) we are providing some useful advice to the Church of England as it decides to reject Christianity and go its own way (no longer following the 1st Century Heiliger Geist but the 21st century Zeitgeist).

The statue of Christ the King is attacked by a Welby-Cottrell^TM Death Ray.

From now on all religious documents, Bibles, hymn books, prayer books, etc. will need to be pulped and replaced by new "Woke" editions. OUT GO God the Father, Our Father who art in Heaven, Lord Jesus Christ, etc. and IN COME God the parent, Our parent who art - somewhere or other, but it may be downstairs rather than upstairs - and Christ the Aristocrat.

Fr James Martin LGBTSJ (slightly Catholic) has already decreed that the Holy Spirit is feminine.

"Isn't this going to cost a lot of money?" you may be asking. Well, it should be possible to divert all that cash we're giving to earthquake victims in Turkey and Syria into more worthy causes, such as making sure that nobody is upset by God's choosing a gender that they find offensive (this is far worse than being trapped under a collapsed building!) In Phase 2 we'll be sending the Muslim world new non-binary Korans, anyway.

Still, while we're updating all the Church of England books, please note that we have been asked by our Supreme Governor, King Charles III, or at least by some of his menials (M.P.s) to allow blessings of sin.

We're starting slowly with same-sex relationships (or "marriages" as they are laughingly called). A suitable liturgy is being drafted, but since this is the C of E you are of course allowed to make up your own words and nobody will complain.

Next month we shall be dismantling the ten commandments: adulterers, thieves and murderers are already queuing up for blessings.

"O God (He/She/They), who gave us Henry VIII (He/Him) as a model for our church, and thus inspired us to follow his path of adultery, theft and murder, we ask you now to bless "Casanova" John, "Fingers" Irene, and "Slasher" Maurice as they pursue their spiritual paths of lechery, shoplifting and throat-cutting."

LATE NEWS: God is apparently not amused by the Church of England's activities, and the end of the world has accordingly been advanced. Well, you can't say that we didn't all deserve a bit of smiting...

God decides to fix climate change.

Let's talk about the weather

Yesterday's post about the devils of ISIS was a little vitriolic, so let's talk about something gentler. Following a suggestion of leutgeb, this post will be all about the weather, which seems to have been typical of an English summer - sun and heavy rain. We invited some of our favourite religious figures to comment.

Tina Beattie, Roehampton.

Whenever I see a flash (!) of lightning or hear the bang (!) of thunder, I am reminded that the phallocentricism of neo-orthodox theology risks reducing the Mass to an orgasmic celebration of homosexual love, from which the female body is excluded. It makes me very cross, even if I remembered to bring an umbrella with me! We Tablet directors have concluded that the only answer is to ordain women, liberalise the abortion laws, and drop the God-centred aspects of religion in favour of human flourishing! By the way, if anyone would like me to give a lecture in a prestigious place - say, the Scunthorpe under-7s Bible Class - I will be glad to accept. But don't tell the local bishop beforehand - he might try and stop it!

Michael Campbell, blogger, bishop and controller of information.

Although I do not approve of humour on blogs - or indeed anything but the most tedious platitudes as a rule - it may be that the following hilarious story might make an exception. It was raining hard in Lancaster last week, and one of my deacons came to ask my advice on a moral dilemma. He had discovered an outbreak of cannibalism in my diocese - in particular his parish priest had been eaten by some members of ACTA - and wondered whether it was appropriate to mention it on his blog. However, he voluntarily slipped on the damp pavement and fell into a puddle, voluntarily ruining his vestments and breaking his leg. How we laughed at his voluntary misfortune! I think he's in for a period of voluntary prayer and reflection, don't you?

Damian Thompson declines a cupcake at the Mad Hatter's tea party.

It's been very hot lately, hasn't it? My spies in the Vatican tell me that this is because Pope Francis is finally getting to grips with the English weather. Whereas Pope Benedict was satisfied with the traditional mixture of rain, cloud, more rain, and fog, the man that his intimate friends call "Pope Francis" is determined to impose his own South American weather on the Catholic church. I wouldn't be surprised to hear that a new bishop, with responsibility for weather, had been appointed, with instructions to pray for sunshine! I have even heard the name of Fr Ray Blake mentioned - it is no secret that while at Brighton he has produced significantly more good weather than they get in northern cities such as Luton.

George Carey (2nd left) is corrected on a matter of theology.

A lovely day, isn't it? Of course, as the Bible says, if you don't think it's a lovely day then you are not appreciating God's creation to the full, and should take medical advice as to whether to carry on living! Trust me, I know all about these things, I was once an archbishop.

Paul Inwood, composer and liturgist.

Here's a little something you might like to sing at Mass. Don't forget your ukelele!

The sun has got his hat on, hip-hip-hip-hooray!
The sun has got his hat on and he's coming out today... ch-ch!

Joshua

Well, it's time for a new dose of spiritual nourishment, as we continue the Eccles Bible Project with the book of Joshua. For those who want the course from the start, we have already seen Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy.

As usual, we are addressing an atheist called Richard who dabbles in theology in his spare time without ever really understanding it.

Crossing the Jordan - but is that the end of the story?

Now, the principle idea of the book of Joshua is that with Joshua in charge the Israelites are doing what God wants, and as a result things go rather well for them. Contrast this with Moses's adventures, where everything that could go wrong, did - with some exceptions - mainly because the Israelites weren't obeying God.

"I do try, Aaron... no-one can be more trying than me... but things keep going wrong."

Richard, it's good to see you at our Bible class. Have you ever thought of finding out what God wants, and doing it? It could be to your advantage. Or, even if it isn't, it will make you a better person who can cope with the problems of life without having a meltdown every few days. Anyway, it's time for a song.

♫ Joshua fought the battle of Jericho,
Jericho, Jericho,
Joshua fought the battle of Jericho,
And the walls came tumbling down! ♫

Yes, we could hardly fail to mention that. Now there are several morals we may deduce from this story. See which one you prefer:

1. You can get a long way by blowing your own trumpet.
2. Walls have ears.
3. Weapons of mass destruction can be disguised as musical 
instruments.
4. It's your own fault if you don't soundproof your property 
correctly.
5. God can do miracles, but He likes us to cooperate.

Richard, I suspect you go for (1), while many other people would go for (5).

"Play 'Walk in the Light' now, and they'll all flee in terror."

Anyway, the story continues, with the capture of Ai (chapter 8). If you read this carefully, you find that there is some fairly clever military strategy going on here. They go to the city and, as soon as the Ai army comes out, run away. The Ai army follows - all of it - and one or two others of Joshua's people then sneak into the city and burn it.

Moral - if you're as stupid as the king of Ai, you end up being hanged on a tree. Evidently Ai didn't mean "Artificial Intelligence" in those days.

They can't see me, hiding behind this dustbin.

Anyway, in brief, they take over the land (first half of the book). More devious tactics are employed against Gibeon (Chapter 10), for Joshua makes the sun stand still, which basically seems to have been a device to gain extra time for smiting.

I don't care if the referee's looking at his watch, I've stopped that too.

Once they've taken over the land, the children of Israel then proceed to share it out (second half). Nothing much to say there.

At the end Joshua dies and is buried. They also bury the bones of Joseph, which apparently they've been carting round with them ever since they left Egypt. Really, it was all his fault that they were in Egypt in the first place.

A souvenir of Egypt.

Oh, I should have mentioned that Joshua was the son of Nun (he called her "mother superior" through force of habit), but we don't want to be distracted by nun jokes, do we?

Next week - the Judges move in!

Bad Hynms 12

The Eccles Bad Hymn Award judges are pleased to welcome Sue McClellan, to tell us about her highly irritating hymn Colours of day dawn into the mind.

A grey day for Monet.

SM: It's lovely to be here, Eccles. Pity it's such a dull day, eh? What a dreadful fog!

E: Good to see you, Sue, which I probably couldn't do if we were outside. Is this the sort of colour of day you had in mind?

SM: Something sunnier would be better, Eccles.

SM: Yes I see: The sun has come up, the night is behind. I expect you ask priests to get a reliable weather forecast before scheduling this hymn in their services?

Singing in the rain, an alternative hymn for bad weather.

SM: It's metaphorical, Eccles. Think of God, rather than the sun itself.

E: I'm still wondering how colours can dawn into the mind, but let's move on. Go down in the city, into the street, And let's give the message to the people we meet.

SM: Ah yes, that was unfortunate. The church tends to empty at that point, as some people take it too literally.

E: Perhaps the hymn should say: After the service, go into the street...?

SM: Good thinking, Eccles. I'll consider that for when I revise the hymn. Unless of course people want to stay for coffee? After your coffee, go into the street...?

Just a quick coffee, then we'll go into the street.

SM: Now, do you like the chorus? So light up the fire and let the flame burn. Open the door, let Jesus return. Take seeds of his Spirit, let the fruit grow.

E: I suppose we could cook the fruit on the flame. Or Jesus could come in and warm Himself by the fire.

SM: I got an award for my mixed metaphors, you know.

Let the flame burn.

E: Go through the park, on into the town. Did you write these words yourself, or was it your SatNav?

SM: Ah, I have had some complaints here, Eccles. People kept telling me that the way into town didn't go through any parks.

Go through the park, on into the town. Then ask again.

E: I'm not sure that there's much to say about the rest of the hymn. It seems to be all about the sun and light, but you do stretch the metaphor almost to breaking.

SM: Oh, but Eccles, dear, there was even an extra verse that I deleted:

The sun's got his hat on, isn't that great?
The Spirit is with us till half past eight.
The sun disappears in late afternoon,
But God made the cow jump over the moon.

E and SM (together): So light up the fire and let the flame burn...

A little-known work of the Spirit.

---

Previous entries for the Eccles Bad Hynm Award:

Lord of the Dance.    Shine, Jesus, shine.    Enemy of apathy.    Walk in the Light.
Kum Ba Yah.    Follow me.    God's Spirit is in my heart.    Imagine.    Alleluia Ch-ch.
It ain't necessarily so.    I, the Lord of sea and sky.