Royal Baby Watch

Well, excitement is certainly mounting here in Bethlehem, with news that St Mary is expected to give birth to a royal baby within the next few hours.

Exclusive picture of the royal baby.

We interviewed Mary a few hours ago, when she arrived at the "Jolly Shepherds" inn, and booked into their luxurious Stable Suite.

So Mary, you must be feeling very excited by the prospect of giving birth. Have you thought what you might call your baby?

Yes, we're fairly definite that we'll call him Jesus.

A nice name. And what if it turns out to be a girl?

Let's just say that we'll be very surprised.

Now you won't have the services of a midwife, but I see that you have an ox and an ass standing by to help with the delivery?

Expert medical help on its way to the inn.

Yes, the NHS had nobody else available tonight. It's the Christmas season you know, and lots of people are on holiday.

Now, I'm told that the Royal Baby will be a king. Do you think that this will change your life at all?

Yes, I'm fairly sure it will (...being St Mary she doesn't say "moron" or even think it...) Indeed, it will probably change all our lives.

We've been told that there is a group of Magi on their way to Bethlehem. Indeed, they seem to have caused something of a traffic jam, having got lost in the one-way system.

This SatNav is useless. The star was much better!

Yes, I expect they're on their way to see us. Also some shepherds are likely to be dropping round for tea later.

How about Prime Minister David Herod? I hear that he is anxious to meet your child, too.

No, unfortunately we probably can't stay around for that. We have a flight to Egypt booked.

St Mary, thank you very much.

Well we'll keep you in touch with regular broadcasts and Tweets from Bethlehem, but now back to the studio where we are interviewing the Astronomer Royal about a mysterious star that has just appeared in the sky.

The Astronomer Royal is baffled.

Bad Hynms 12

The Eccles Bad Hymn Award judges are pleased to welcome Sue McClellan, to tell us about her highly irritating hymn Colours of day dawn into the mind.

A grey day for Monet.

SM: It's lovely to be here, Eccles. Pity it's such a dull day, eh? What a dreadful fog!

E: Good to see you, Sue, which I probably couldn't do if we were outside. Is this the sort of colour of day you had in mind?

SM: Something sunnier would be better, Eccles.

SM: Yes I see: The sun has come up, the night is behind. I expect you ask priests to get a reliable weather forecast before scheduling this hymn in their services?

Singing in the rain, an alternative hymn for bad weather.

SM: It's metaphorical, Eccles. Think of God, rather than the sun itself.

E: I'm still wondering how colours can dawn into the mind, but let's move on. Go down in the city, into the street, And let's give the message to the people we meet.

SM: Ah yes, that was unfortunate. The church tends to empty at that point, as some people take it too literally.

E: Perhaps the hymn should say: After the service, go into the street...?

SM: Good thinking, Eccles. I'll consider that for when I revise the hymn. Unless of course people want to stay for coffee? After your coffee, go into the street...?

Just a quick coffee, then we'll go into the street.

SM: Now, do you like the chorus? So light up the fire and let the flame burn. Open the door, let Jesus return. Take seeds of his Spirit, let the fruit grow.

E: I suppose we could cook the fruit on the flame. Or Jesus could come in and warm Himself by the fire.

SM: I got an award for my mixed metaphors, you know.

Let the flame burn.

E: Go through the park, on into the town. Did you write these words yourself, or was it your SatNav?

SM: Ah, I have had some complaints here, Eccles. People kept telling me that the way into town didn't go through any parks.

Go through the park, on into the town. Then ask again.

E: I'm not sure that there's much to say about the rest of the hymn. It seems to be all about the sun and light, but you do stretch the metaphor almost to breaking.

SM: Oh, but Eccles, dear, there was even an extra verse that I deleted:

The sun's got his hat on, isn't that great?
The Spirit is with us till half past eight.
The sun disappears in late afternoon,
But God made the cow jump over the moon.

E and SM (together): So light up the fire and let the flame burn...

A little-known work of the Spirit.

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Previous entries for the Eccles Bad Hynm Award:

Lord of the Dance.    Shine, Jesus, shine.    Enemy of apathy.    Walk in the Light.
Kum Ba Yah.    Follow me.    God's Spirit is in my heart.    Imagine.    Alleluia Ch-ch.
It ain't necessarily so.    I, the Lord of sea and sky.