Design your own God!

As a service to my friend "Archbishop" Justin Welby (He/Him on the one hand, She/Her on the other hand, and also Bleep/Bloop in a very real sense) we are providing some useful advice to the Church of England as it decides to reject Christianity and go its own way (no longer following the 1st Century Heiliger Geist but the 21st century Zeitgeist).

The statue of Christ the King is attacked by a Welby-Cottrell^TM Death Ray.

From now on all religious documents, Bibles, hymn books, prayer books, etc. will need to be pulped and replaced by new "Woke" editions. OUT GO God the Father, Our Father who art in Heaven, Lord Jesus Christ, etc. and IN COME God the parent, Our parent who art - somewhere or other, but it may be downstairs rather than upstairs - and Christ the Aristocrat.

Fr James Martin LGBTSJ (slightly Catholic) has already decreed that the Holy Spirit is feminine.

"Isn't this going to cost a lot of money?" you may be asking. Well, it should be possible to divert all that cash we're giving to earthquake victims in Turkey and Syria into more worthy causes, such as making sure that nobody is upset by God's choosing a gender that they find offensive (this is far worse than being trapped under a collapsed building!) In Phase 2 we'll be sending the Muslim world new non-binary Korans, anyway.

Still, while we're updating all the Church of England books, please note that we have been asked by our Supreme Governor, King Charles III, or at least by some of his menials (M.P.s) to allow blessings of sin.

We're starting slowly with same-sex relationships (or "marriages" as they are laughingly called). A suitable liturgy is being drafted, but since this is the C of E you are of course allowed to make up your own words and nobody will complain.

Next month we shall be dismantling the ten commandments: adulterers, thieves and murderers are already queuing up for blessings.

"O God (He/She/They), who gave us Henry VIII (He/Him) as a model for our church, and thus inspired us to follow his path of adultery, theft and murder, we ask you now to bless "Casanova" John, "Fingers" Irene, and "Slasher" Maurice as they pursue their spiritual paths of lechery, shoplifting and throat-cutting."

LATE NEWS: God is apparently not amused by the Church of England's activities, and the end of the world has accordingly been advanced. Well, you can't say that we didn't all deserve a bit of smiting...

God decides to fix climate change.

Even Pope Francis can't answer this!

Here is today's brain teaser:

How can one explain to children that - for example - their mother, abandoned by their father and often not willing to establish another marriage bond, receives the Sunday Eucharist with them, while their father, cohabiting or awaiting the declaration of the nullity of the marriage, cannot participate in the Eucharistic table?

Golly, that's a head-scratcher, isn't it? Why, even Pope Francis can't answer that.

Puzzled!

I put this knotty question to my catechism class ("Let Eccles help you stay saved") and one of my star pupils, Ray Burke (age 6) responded:

"Please, sir! I know. The mother hasn't done anythng wrong, and being a Catholic (we assume) she believes that marriage is for life; on the other hand the father is living in a sin with no intention of repenting. So he will be unsaved if he takes communion."

Of course the right answer couldn't be that simple, as I told the cheeky boy:

"Raymond! Haven't you read Amoris Laetitia? This supersedes anything you may have seen in the Bible! Look here, on this page - no, not that one, it's all about sharing in the household chores, such as power-hosing the television, throwing the cat out of the window, or bathing the hamster.

Anyway, I can't find it at the moment - it may be in a foot-foot-foot-note printed in 2pt type - but I'm fairly sure it says we mustn't judge people, there is no such thing as good and evil, let us accompany the sinner on his journey of reconciliation. No that doesn't mean we have to sin as well, Walter! Now, try and be merciful!"

Ray and Walter are very keen children. They wrote a letter to Pope Francis with some questions about Amoris Laetitia, but the reply must have got lost in the post.

Unfortunately Ray and Walter's letter wasn't included.

---

In other news, there is hope for Cardinal Zen, as Pope Francis has finally agreed to receive a cardinal from a country with a despotic ruler who encourages massacres of the innocent. No, not China.

"You did it, Blase! You got Joe elected! Well done!"

New edition of the Bible announced

Pope Francis has announced that a new edition of the Bible is to be released, removing some of the more "rigid" books (e.g. the four gospels) and adding a few new ones. After all, the Bible was put together about 1500 years ago. It was reaffirmed by the Council of Trent in 1546, although at the time some liberals imbued with the "Spirit of Trent" tried to slip in a few extras that took their fancy. In any case, it isn't modern and up to date!

The New Non-Rigid Bible will have a loose-leaf format so that pages can be added and removed as doctrine develops.

Of course the Protestant denominations have their own versions of the canon: for example, the Church of England's attendance is usually much higher on days when the (very salacious) Memoirs of Henry VIII are used for the Gospel reading.

It is expected that Amoris Laetitia will be added as a book of the Non-Rigid Bible as part of the "Very New Testament" - and possibly renamed the Book of Francis - but since it does not claim to date from 1st Century times, Mgr Antonio Spadaro is cobbling together the less rigid bits of Matthew/Mark/Luke/John into a new Gospel according to St Eric (the little-known 5th evangelist who left the group before they became famous). Any claims that "St Eric" is merely a Spadarine sockpuppet will be angrily disputed.

An artist's impression of St Eric the Evangelist.

St Eric does give an account of some of Christ's teaching, but, as today's Gospel (Matthew 5:17-37) shows, there are "problem" parts where Christ was either misquoted or - according to Jesuit theology - simply got it wrong.

Do not imagine that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets.

We need to add a few sentences here to explain that, although the Law is still in existence, it is to be superseded by Mercy, Discernment, and generally feeling At Peace With God. So in practice it is like the law against cycling on the pavement, and hardly ever obeyed.

If a man calls [his brother] "Renegade" he will answer for it with hell fire..

We need to rewrite this section to give a list of permitted insults, as used by the Holy Father. So you are allowed to call your brother a "Self-absorbed, Promethean neo-Pelagian" or a "Museum Mummy" or a "Pickled pepper-faced Christian" without feeling bad about it.

Teaching on adultery has always been a bit complicated.

Anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

There's a lot more on this subject that we really can't accept these days. Pope Francis didn't hold two Synods on the Family, and write a confused exhortation loosely based on what he would have liked them to agree on, just so that we would end up following St Matthew's Gospel! I think we just have to assume that Christ was misheard at this point, and actually said "No one" rather than "Anyone". Spadaro, fix this please!

All you need say is "Yes" if you mean yes, "No" if you mean no; anything more than this comes from the evil one.

Well, it was all right for Jesus. He didn't have the benefits of a Jesuit upbringing, and was quite used to answering binary questions without feeling obliged to obfuscate matters. Still, we can get round this one. The passage doesn't say you actually have to answer a question: so, if some rude people submit "dubia" to you, it is perfectly in order to pretend they never reached you, even if people plaster posters round your house and print fake newspapers on the subject. Just stick your fingers in your ears and say "La la la, I can't hear you!"

Of course fake newspapers (such as the Washington Post) should really be used for character assassinations of "rigid" cardinals.

This New Non-Rigid Bible still requires a lot of work, but should be in the shops for Christmas. Updates to its Catholic teaching will be provided every time Pope Francis takes an aeroplane trip.

Graduality, or how to be saved the easy way

Thanks to the Synod on the Family, the idea of graduality, also known as gradualism, has come back into fashion. The basic idea here is that we are none of us perfect, but hey, we don't need to be, at least not yet!

Beginners should start by trying to obey just one commandment.

Find the Ten Commandments a bit of a challenge? Well, pick one of the easiest to obey, and start with that. This is what I have decided to do, and so now I give you the ECCLES PLEDGE: I promise not to commit murder. Or at least, not very often. This leaves me with more time free for other sins, such as coveting my neighbour's donkey, stealing, or bowing down to graven images.

Eccles's Anti Moly is very pleased that Eccles has pledged not to murder her.

Of course, for some people, even giving up murder is too ambitious. As Cardinal Kasper says, we should show compassion even towards those who have chosen a serial-killing lifestyle. If - like so many of my readers - you are a serial killer, then may I respectfully suggest that you start by cutting down a little? Say one murder a month? I believe that you can buy little sticky patches to put on your arm, which give you all the stimulation of serial killing, without actually having to go out and commit the sin of murder.

Likewise, if you are given to adulterous affairs, bishop, then the gradualist approach is to progressively reduce the number of marriages you break up, until you are down to one at a time, or even none!

St Augustine of Hippo: "Grant me chastity and continence, but not yet!"

Now, how does this work for people who are divorced and remarried? Will they gradually be admitted to communion? Well, the first time they approach the altar steps they will be condemned by the priest in thunderous tones: "BEGONE! ADULTEROUS VERMIN!" Then the next time, the priest will say "Oooh, you are awful, but I like you!" but still refuse them communion. Until eventually the priest will say "Well, what's the odd sinful lifestyle between friends? Probably, Jesus was only joking! Come and join in the fun!" Thus our separated brethren are ACCEPTED once more.

Or they could give up their second marriage bit by bit. They might start by sleeping in the garden shed, to avoid the temptations of the flesh. Eventually they could return to their previous spouse: this could be awkward if he or she has remarried, but, hey, it is better to have three in a bed than only two, if it's the wrong two.

Thou hast had seven husbands... even if they are on the small side.

Well, I hope you have found this little guide to gradualism helpful. Next week, we explain how a compulsive bower down to graven images can gradually repent, so that soon they simply give graven images a polite nod when they pass them in the street. Thus, according to my brother Bosco, they will have done almost all that needs to be done to assure Salvation.

Even cardinals can be saved.

The Bishopsgate Scandal

H/T @_Burt__ for the title.

The story so far: disgraced bishop Kieran Conry brings wailing and gnashing of teeth to the happy people of Arundel and Brighton, when it is discovered that he is not just a harmless blockhead unable to get his head round the fundamentals of Catholic doctrine - as everyone supposed - but in fact a great lover in the best traditions of Don Juan, Casanova, James Bond and Bill Clinton (all Catholics, as it happens).

In Eccleston Square, they are refusing to panic.

However, questions are being asked. How much did Vincent Nichols suspect? How much did Cormac Murphy-O'Connor suspect? How much did Pope Benedict suspect? How much did Pope St John-Paul II suspect? Is there a cover-up going on, on a scale which makes Watergate seem like a storm in a teacup? Are we going to unearth some tapes of Cormac chatting to Kieran, complete with expletives deleted?

C: Kieran, who's that woman over there? She seems to know you.
K: [Expletive deleted]! Where can I hide?

With hindsight, everyone knew that there was something wrong with Kieran. Perhaps it started when, as a young man, he was given a copy of the famous "Wicked Bible" in which the sixth commandant was misprinted. Somehow, he never spotted the mistake. When he became a bishop, they took up his references - fifty women wrote in to say that they were not having an affair with him - and this was clearly strong evidence of his good character.

A favourite text of Bishop Conry.

Since he arrived in Arundel and Brighton, the liberal establishment has been generally supportive of Bishop Conry, ruthlessly attacking all criticism of his radical views. The forces of orthodox Catholicism were overwhelmed with a blizzard of strange doctrine from Tina Beattie, Timothy Radcliffe, the Tablet, Cristina Odone, etc. etc. At one stage, the Bishop of Lancaster was asked if he could gag ace investigative reporter Eccles, but to no avail. The truth was leaking out.

K: Mike, can you ask Eccles to stop blogging about me?
M: No chance, Kieran. He even blogs about me! Who's that woman waving at you, by the way?

Now is not a time to mock Kieran, in his darkest hour. One should not snigger at his manifold sins and wickednesses. One should definitely not giggle, chuckle, or guffaw when his name is mentioned - well, no more than usual. As for rolling on the ground laughing uncontrollably, slapping our thighs and shouting "RESULT!" ... no, even Damian Thompson would not go that far. As the Pope says, "Who am I to judge?" As Vincent Nichols says, "It ain't none of my business, guv." As Cormac Murphy-O'Connor says, "I was on another planet in the early years of the 21st century, and it was nothing to do with me." And as Kieran wishes he could say, "Can I have have my job back now, please?"

Kieran, who's that woman over there, waving at you?

Jesus asks "What would Dolan do?"

Jerusalem, AD 30

Jesus of Nazareth, the young preacher and miracle-worker who has taken Israel by storm, was today criticised for his "bigoted" views on sin. Said one commentator "He should ask himself, 'WWDD - What Would Dolan Do?' before sticking his neck out in this way."

The Caped Crusader: Dolan leads the way.

Specifically, Jesus was criticised for saying to a woman taken in adultery, "Go and sin no more." The general consensus is that He should have taken the WWDD approach, and joined her in an "Adulterers' Pride" march, to celebrate some religious festival, rather than criticising her perfectly natural lifestyle choice.

WWDD? Feast in the company of notorious evil-doers! So the Messiah got that one right.

Another occasion on which Christ is said to have fallen short of the high moral standards of Cardinal Dolan is when He scourged the temple, overthrowing the tables of the money changers, and the chairs of them that sold doves. Apparently He was objecting that a house of prayer had become a den of thieves.

Said one critic, "Apparently, He refused to join in the 'Thieves Pride' service that was being conducted in the temple. I can't see the blessed Dolan acting like that. Moreover, if the Temple of the Holy Innocents were to be converted into a pet shop, then Dolan would never have tried to prevent that."

Trouble at the Pet Shop of the Holy Innocents.

We therefore urge all our readers, before contemplating any difficult course of action, to ask "What would Dolan do?" One can avoid so much trouble by giving into the world, rather than trying to take a high moral stance. So no referring to a "generation of vipers", please!

Now, being serious for a minute...

No exemptions for Christians

Following a brilliantly original High Court decision by Mr Justice Langstaff that keeping holy the Sabbath day is not a "core component" of Christian belief, and that Christians may henceforth be forced to work on Sundays, we asked a few other High Court judges to explain Christianity to us.

Mr Justice Dredd.

"A prohibition against killing isn't a core component of Christian belief," explained Mr Justice Dredd. "Trust me, I'm a judge, I know these things. If an employer asks a Christian to murder one of his competitors, then the Christian has no right to object on grounds of conscience. It is true that under company law, murders are only permitted if the details are fully disclosed to shareholders at the annual general meeting, but this is not usually a problem."

Judge Dredd went on to explain that he was a great fan of the James Bond films, in which Bond, a pious Catholic, had been given a licence to kill. He had observed that Agent 007 never let his faith stand in the way if it became necessary to blow up the underwater lair of a crazed megalomaniac whose aim was to take over the world, and so he knew exactly what Christianity taught about murder. For that matter, adultery was also occasionally part of the job...

This is all the Law and the Prophets.

Another judge was quick to concur. "There's this commandment about worshipping graven images. Well, we can't give Christians any exemption there, either. Suppose they want to become Conservative cabinet ministers, a noble calling if ever there was one. They would need to kiss all sorts of things en route, including a graven image of David Cameron. They can't expect some sort of exemption, can they?"

Bow, bow, ye lower middle classes! Worship me!

Finally, we asked a Very Senior Judge indeed.

A Very Senior Judge indeed.

Speaking up for Judge Langstaff, a Very Senior Judge indeed agreed that He also expected His employees to work on Sundays; indeed, it was a popular myth amongst the laity that many of His priests only worked on Sundays.

It's no use, Father. You'll have to work Sundays from now on.

So there we have it. Our Lord Langstaff's Summary of the Law is backed by the highest Authority indeed.

Boris steps in

Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, has blocked a bus campaign aimed at helping regular philanderers find a cure. 

NOT UNFAITHFUL! EX-UNFAITHFUL, POST-UNFAITHFUL AND PROUD. 

GET OVER IT!



Said Mr Johnson, "Cripes! It's clearly not on to suggest that serial adulterers can control themselves! London is a vibrant city tolerant of all forms of sexual activity - expecting Johnny Casanova to put his trousers on is bloody offensive, what?"

Meanwhile, the mayor continues to perform his essential mayoral duties, which mainly consist of getting himself re-elected. Provided that Ken Livingstone and his views continue to be publicised widely, Boris Johnson seems certain to succeed.

Amongst his official appointments today, Boris will be joining Archbishop Peter Smith to open a new convent, the Liberal Sisters of St Oona. Here we see the Mother Superior modelling her new Vatican II-approved habit.

"Jolly good show, what!" commented Mr Johnson. "That's what I like to see. Not stupid bus campaigns about morality."