This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Thursday, 20 February 2014

Sacred cows

The "two cows" joke, in a greatly expanded version, can be found here. For example:
You have two cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

You have two cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, 
and then throws the milk away.

You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, 
because you want three cows.

two cows

These are cows.

Recent research has found some other ways of managing cows.

ANGLICANISM: You have two cows. They would like to marry, but this is not allowed. Still, you may bless their union. They have no calves.

ACTA: You have two elderly cows. They tell you they live in fear because the Vatican won't allow them to be ordained or to use contraception.

LITURGIST: You have two cows. The traditional advice is that they should say "Moo". However, you prefer the "modernist" translation, and encourage them to say "Baa".

sheep and cow

A liturgist (L) training a cow to say "Baa".

ZUHLSDORFITE: You have two cows. You provide them with handguns, because they have a right to bear arms. When you go to milk them, they shoot you.

POPE FRANCISCAN: You have two cows. You are reported as saying that milking cows is simply a fashion. A month later, it is revealed that you said nothing of the kind.

DAWKINSITE: You have two test-tubes containing cow DNA. They don't seem to produce any milk, but then milk is a fictional concept created by faith-heads.


Stop worrying, there's probably no milk!

BLOGGER: You have two cows. They spend all their time getting into fights with other cows, and saying how much they hate them, before retiring to their shed in disgust.

CHUCK SMITHITE: You have two cows, and you send them to the Calvery Chapel (of course). They start to leave little piles of dung all over the place.

TABLETIST: You have two cows. You sell them a magazine which is supposed to be of interest to cows. They read it, and wonder why it contains so many articles on bullfighting and recipes for steak pie.


Milking a cow, the Hans Kühe way.

I am sure that my loyal readers (both of them) will have further suggestions.


  1. Daring eccles, what a splendid game! Here's mine:
    Farver Phil: You have two cows, how wonderful, you can get together with your local Hindus and worship them.
    New Age: You have two cows, one is the spirit of gaia, the other the spirit of the age: they have no progeny.
    Muslim: You have two cows, the Koran says there is only One God, you are an infidel and must die.
    Norfolk farmer: You have two cows? I have a bull, let's party.
    love, Jess xx

  2. From Twitter:

    Dilly ‏@DillyDilys
    ACTA: Old dry cows on way to abbatoir, trying to renegotiate EU milk quotas

    Dilly ‏@DillyDilys
    Sola Scriptura. You have two cows. You give them the Dairyman's handbook, and let them work it out for themselves.

  3. Sedevacantist. You have two cows. They do not think you are the true farmer, and withhold their milk until a true farmer comes along.

  4. Liberal Catholic. You have two cows, you dance around them and try to milk them by pumping their tails but all you get for your efforts is a pat on the back.

  5. Atheist : Prove the existence of one cow before I'll even consider the possibility of a second.

  6. You have two cows. Irish farmer: where did all these calves come from? It’s a miraculous cowception!

  7. FATHER Z: Duas vaccas habuisti. Here is a picture of my dinner (steak)

  8. Phenomenologist: Your inner consciousness construes two cows.

  9. Liberal; You have two cows slaughtered - this is bovinophobia.

  10. Amnesiac: you can't remember if you had two cows.

  11. Dawkins: You have two cows? Evidence of replicators which is proof of evolution and we are descended from inanimate matter.

  12. Feminist: I have two cows and it's not funny.

  13. Social and ethics engineer: You have two cows. Who says they're "cows"? That's homophobic. They may feel they are bulls.

  14. Liberal non-sexist egalitarian:

    You have two members of Bos primigenius. You try to milk them. Unfortunately neither are of the female gender. They chase you around the field trying to attack you

  15. You only have one cow after all - it was double vision