World Cup of Liturgical Abuses - the runners

In the end we collected 45 liturgical abuses of one sort and another - if you don't think something is a LA, then you don't need to vote for it - and the World Cup of Liturgical Abuses will start on Twitter on Monday May 25th. Because of the awkward number of entrants, there will be some qualifying rounds to get through first (it will probably take me until Monday to work out how this is organized).

In the end, you may vote for LA you have witnessed, as well as ones you haven't. How can I stop you?

By the way, my score is now 20.

Altar servers in trainers and hoodies

Animals
Asperges guns
Audience responses in the homily
Bad cantors
Bad hymns
Balloons
Bare feet
Blessings from EMHC
Changing words in the liturgy
Clapping
Clowns
Communion in the hand
Copies of Tablet in church
Dancing priests
Everyone sitting throughout
Extra prayers from congregation
Felt banners
Female altar-servers
Flash cards in the homily
"Good morning, Father"
Greeters

Guitars, etc.
Holding hands in the Our Father
Homily in the aisle
Homily given by laity
Idols
Introducing ourselves to our neighbours

LGBT glitter ash
Liturgical dancing
Non-Biblical readings, e.g. Vat II documents
Notices lasting too long
Orans position for the Our Father
Ordinary bread consecrated
Priest next to boyfriend during readings
Priest without vestments
Priest with coloured shirt
Puppets/dolls
Rainbow flags

Roller-skating angels
Secular music
Sign of peace
Singing Happy Birthday
Standing for the consecration
Standing to end of Communion

May the worst abuse win!

---

For those who really want to know, this is the draw for the qualifying round. Two go through from each heat, which, with the 18 that were given a bye, makes 32 survivors for the main competition.

1 Guitars, etc.
1 Singing Happy Birthday
1 Dancing priests
1 Idols
2 Felt banners
2 Animals
2 Blessings from EMHC
2 Audience responses in the homily
3 Extra prayers from congregation
3 Everyone sitting throughout
3 Introducing ourselves to our neighbours
3 LGBT glitter ash
4 Altar servers in trainers and hoodies
4 Non-Biblical readings, e.g. Vat II documents
4 Copies of Tablet in church
4 Clapping
5 Notices lasting too long
5 Female altar-servers
5 Rainbow flags
5 Sign of peace
6 Clowns
6 Standing for the consecration
6 Orans position for the Our Father
6 Asperges guns
7 Standing to end of Communion
7 Priest with coloured shirt
7 Homily given by laity

Also, it came too late to be included, but an honourable mention for this video, sent in by Hilary White. "Commentators"!

Oh all right, put that into group 7, which is already one short.

The Gospel according to St Malcolm

1. And they brought unto Jesus a sick baby, saying "Master, wilt thou heal this child, or at least take him to Rome, where he may be cared for?"

2. But Jesus said, "Nay, I will not fight against the doctors, who say that he is better off dead.

3. For I say unto you, the weak and helpless ye will always have with you.

4. But do not give unto them food and drink, for it will make you unpopular with the judges, the soldiers, and indeed the doctors."

5. And His disciples marvelled, and said "It is true. For we have heard the story of the Good Shepherd.

6. Who when one of his sheep is in danger, kicketh it into the ditch and goeth off to look after the ones who are healthy."

"Watch out, here comes the Good Shepherd!"

7. So the disciples issued a statement, explaining that they had full confidence in the doctors, and especially their wish to take away from the baby his food, his drink, the air he breathed, and - if possible - his parents.

8. "The professionalism of those who have decided that the child must die quickly is recognised and affirmed," they said.

9. For they spake always in that fashion.

10. Then Jesus gave them a parable, telling of the man who was attacked and robbed on the road to Damascus.

11. And there came by a Samaritan, who seeing that the man was injured and near to death, took him to an inn and starved him.

12. "I tell you, the Samaritan was a neighbour to the man attacked by robbers. Go and do thou likewise."

"See that he doesn't get any food or drink."

The National Trust takes over Animal Farm

With apologies to George Orwell.

"I am an old donkey now," said Benjamin, "and old enough to remember those days fifty years ago, when we had the sexual revolution, and threw Farmer Jones out of his farm. For he would not let the male animals mate with male animals, nor the females with females. What a great day for freedom that was! As a Catholic donkey, I was taught that such deeds were acts of grave depravity, but we should not speak ill of them."

Benjamin, the Catholic donkey.

Clover the old mare nuzzled up to him. "It was necessary at the time," she said. "We were told that Napoleon and Snowball were deeply in love, and suffered great persecution. Everyone said that a revolution was necessary. But it seems to me that the world is a different place now."

"My Catholic guides are very weak," said Benjamin. "Squealer the Jesuit Pig is enlisting the animals in a bridge-building programme, and we have new slogans. The motto 'VIRTUE GOOD, SIN BAD' that I learned in my catechism has been dropped."

Just at that moment, as though at a signal, all the sheep burst out into a tremendous bleating of "VIRTUE GOOD, SIN BETTER! VIRTUE GOOD, SIN BETTER!"

Things turn out badly for the sheep.

Clover led him round to the end of the big barn. "My sight is failing," she said. "But it appears to me that that wall looks different too. Are the Ten Commandments the same as they used to be, Benjamin?"

Benjamin read out to her what was written on the wall. There was nothing there now except a single message. It ran:

NATIONAL TRUST: MANOR FARM
ALL ANIMALS MUST WEAR RAINBOW BADGES
OR BE MADE INTO SAUSAGES.

FREEDOM IS SLAVERY. (Sorry, wrong book.)

However, there was worse to come. As the animals turned back, they saw Squealer the Jesuit Pig welcoming the famous Stephen Fry to the new "gay" farm. The creatures looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.

Spiritual nourishment from Cardinal Dolan

This blog has occasionally been criticised for posting doctored photos of great spiritual giants of our time in unlikely situations (Vincent Nichols fighting the Weeping Angels, Fr John Zuhlsdorf in a mitre, Richard Dawkins made up as a clown, Fr Thomas Rosica praying), so it is with great pleasure that we present some completely genuine photos of one of our favourite cardinals, Timothy Dolan of New York. We do this since we feel that it is important for "bishop-bashers" to appreciate the onerous responsibilities that fall on our religious leaders.

A shepherd, smelling of the sheep (and camels).

Pope Francis wants his cardinals to be shepherds smelling of the sheep: he himself led the way by being photographed with a rather unhappy-looking lamb wrapped round his neck. Some leading churchmen have taken this further, and nowadays the presence of sheep and camels in religious services is becoming the norm.

Explaining Laudato Si' to a group of nuns.

In the Church of today, the important thing is dialogue, getting out to meet people where they are, and discussing new ideas for Catholic dogma with them. The nuns in the picture above are so worried about climate change that they have opted for much cooler habits. However, Cardinal Dolan shows himself to be a traditionalist in his choice of vestments.

Taking lessons in liturgical dancing.

In modern Masses, we have moved on from old-fashioned ideas such as Bible readings and hymns. The Spirit of Vatican II prefers us to worship Her by means of liturgical dance. But what is a cardinal to do if he is unable to do more than a liturgical waddle? Well, the answer is to lose weight, and take dancing lessons! Bravo to Cardinal Dolan for leading the way!

The fable of the mediocre shepherd

Once upon a time there lived a group of shepherds, whose leader was a man called Vincent. These shepherds had the care of various flocks of sheep, having been told to guide them and keep them safe. However, there were never totally agreed on how this should best be done.

"I am the mediocre shepherd."

Now it came to pass that there was to be a World Shepherds' Conference, also known as a Synod, to which Vincent was invited. The shepherds were going to decide on the best way to keep their sheep saved. Some of the world's worst shepherds (many of whom had lost half their sheep to the wolves) would be there: old "Godless" Danneels of the Mafia Club, whose sheep usually found themselves at the bottom of a lake wearing concrete boots; "Lozza" Baldisseri, who did not want the shepherds to read books; "Rhino" Marx the wolf in shepherd's clothing; and so on.

A very important shepherd.

Vincent had his own ideas on how to look after sheep, which involved them getting involved in activities normally condemned in the Shepherds' Bible. However, in order to promote "honest dialogue" as a "process of discernment" - and lots of other phrases that weak leaders use when they can't rely on their own principles - he had a brilliant idea: ASK THE SHEEP HOW THEY SHOULD BE GUIDED.

"As a member of ACTA, I support Shepherd Vincent's initiative."

Replies flooded in from the sheep, as well as certain wolves, hyenas and jackals who thought their own votes would be helpful:

"Let the sheep wander freely into the swamps."

"Hold special "massings" of the sheep to which wolves are also invited."

"Do not feed the sheep on grass, but let them devour other sheep."

"Do you think that the horse's head in the Pope's bed will be persuasive, Wally?"

Anyway, Vincent was incredibly impressed by the wisdom of his sheep, although their views went totally against the advice given by the original Good Shepherd. He vowed to recommend these new ideas to the Synod. Meanwhile, some of the wiser sheep began to be very worried...

Telling lies for Jesus

There has been an impassioned debate on Twitter about whether it can ever be "right" to tell lies. I was thinking of joining in, but after a blizzard of tweets such as:

the Grinnisite neo-natural Tollefsen equivocation [so close to TotB manipulation] - subverted consequentialism as faux-natural law

and

their teleological 'virtue ethics' is distorted utilitarianism - their natural law appeals merely masked Kantianism,

A mountain

I decided that some people were making mountains out of molehills, or, as the Bishop of Corby would put it:

paradigms of the species Homo Sapiens were fabricating prominent pinnacles out of acclivities pertaining to the Talpidae family in the order Soricomorpha.

There have also been some excellent blog posts on the subject, for example this one.

Actually, it's very simple. Lying is wrong. Don't do it unless some greater good will come from it. But it's sometimes the right thing to do. I'm with St John Chrysostom rather than St Augustine on this one.

After all, you are allowed to pull sheep out of ditches on the Sabbath (see Matthew 12), even though it involves breaking one of the ten commandments.

"It's all right, I can wait until Monday. No worries, honest!"

Likewise, only a lunatic would think that telling the truth and thereby giving away a concealed family of Jews to the Nazis was a good idea.

Nobody believes me when I say there are two British airmen in my wardrobe.

So, let's use the Devil's weapons against him. Lie if we have to, steal, break the Sabbath, commit murder (in wartime), ... I'm not sure about adultery: is James Bond acting for Jesus? That's a tricky one. Also, coveting is a hard sin to use in positive way; if only I had the debating skills of... ah.

Now, His Eminence Cardinal Baldisseri would argue that it is OK to commit theft of other people's books occasionally, and in his case he was acting against Christ rather than the Devil. Oh dear, not a good example, that one, was it? Ignore it and move on.

Don't forget to visit the second-hand bookshop I've just opened!

Of course, if we had no liars, then the world would have to get by without lawyers, politicians, and diplomats, none of whom can succeed by telling the truth all the time. "Your honour, I think my client is guilty, but he's paying me lots of money to argue that he's not..." No, that approach doesn't really work.

I hope this wasn't too long and complicated. Sometimes we saved people see things more clearly than the rest of you.

Trust me. Would I lie to you?

Another controversial letter from 461 priests

Following their controversial letter to the Catholic Herald, affirming Christ's teaching on marriage, which was roundly condemned by Cardinal Nichols, the infamous "gang of 461" has sent another inflammatory letter to the magazine.

Introducing a controversial figure into Catholicism.

We are fortunate to be able to reprint the entire text of the letter, as follows:

Dear Sir,

Credo in unum Deum, Patrem omnipotentem, factorem caeli et terrae, visibilium omnium, et invisibilium. Et in unum Dominum Jesum Christum, Filium Dei unigenitum. Et ex Patre natum ante omnia saecula. Deum de Deo, Lumen de lumine, Deum verum de Deo vero. Genitum, non factum, consubstantialem Patri: per quem omnia facta sunt. Qui propter nos homines, et propter nostram salutem descendit de caelis. Et incarnatus est de Spiritu Sancto ex Maria Virgine: Et homo factus est. Crucifixus etiam pro nobis: sub Pontio Pilato passus, et sepultus est. Et resurrexit tertia die, secundum Scripturas. Et ascendit in caelum: sedet ad dexteram Patris. Et iterum venturus est cum gloria, judicare vivos et mortuos: cuius regni non erit finis. Et in Spiritum Sanctum, Dominum, et vivificantem: qui ex Patre Filioque procedit. Qui cum Patre et Filio simul adoratur, et conglorificatur: qui locutus est per Prophetas. Et unam sanctam catholicam et apostolicam Ecclesiam. Confiteor unum baptisma in remissionem peccatorum. Et exspecto resurrectionem mortuorum. Et vitam venturi saeculi. Amen.

Yours sincerely...

"Catholics should be seen and not heard. Except for me, of course."

Already this inflammatory letter has been condemned by Vincent Nichols, who explained that it was clearly improper for priests to make dogmatic statements of Christian belief in the press. As he put it, could they not rely on him to waffle and obfuscate the issues on TV and radio?

The context, of course, is the forthcoming synod, at which an intense debate is expected. If you don't want to know the final result look away now.

[Cardinal Kasper has already written the final report, in which it is decided that Christian doctrine is too severe and lacking in mercy, and that the bits of the creed to do with sin and redemption are no longer appropriate. Also the "Spiritus Sanctus" should now be replaced by the "Spiritus Concilii Oecumenici Vaticani Secundi".]

Other critics of the letter include Gerald O'Collins SJ, who has suggested that the version of the Creed used in the famous 1998 paraphrase of the Mass should be adopted instead. "It's not much fun spending 17 years doing Latin homework, only to be told that I only got a B-minus," he complains. "How was I to know that 'Credo' doesn't mean 'We believe'?"

Pope Francis has so far not commented on the letter to the Catholic Herald. There is a suggestion going round that this is because he is a Tablet-reader, but we think it is just a malicious rumour put about by one of those traddie bloggers such as Mundabor or Rorate Caeli.

Well, never mind the Creed. Buy your priest something to help him smell of the sheep.

Only cute pets can go to Heaven

As is usual nowadays, Fr Federico Lombardi has clarified the off-the-cuff remarks of Pope Francis that all God's creatures are saved. "What the Holy Father really said," he explained, "is that all cute animals are saved." The offer does not apply to the Hound of the Baskervilles, for example; and pit bull terriers will still end up in the pits of Hades.

Cute enough to be saved.

It was explained that, whereas Jesus died to save humans from their sins, animals as such do not have a great idea of the difference between Good and Evil, being in that respect something like Members of Parliament or Guardian-readers. For instance, how do you tell the difference between a good crocodile and a bad crocodile when it's biting your leg off? Moreover, it would be inconvenient to have crocodiles wandering round Heaven, even ones equipped with angels' wings.

An optimistic crocodile sings "Amazing Grace".

C.S. Lewis once said that a Heaven for mosquitoes could be combined with a Hell for humans. Nowadays, modern teaching has largely abolished the idea of Hell, and Good and Evil are replaced with Niceness - see the Niceone Creed for details. Nevertheless, being able to decide whether one is saved simply on the basis of one's Cuteness applies only to animals, and not to humans. For example, many of the saints were not at all cute.

John the Baptist - as un-cute as Russell Brand but still saved.

Fr Lombardi added that simply possessing a cute pet was not an automatic guarantee for salvation: the pet itself would have to abandon its owner in the afterlife. Cats, for example, will do this without any scruples.

Only one of these is saved. Can you work out which it is?

According to Biblical teaching, God has decided that sheep are saved, and goats are not; this does indeed follow the principle of "cuteness", as goats are not generally regarded as cute animals. Indeed it is hard to imagine Pope Francis trying to gain credibility by walking around with an unsaved goat round his neck. Q.E.D.

The Pope poses with a saved creature.

Sacred cows

The "two cows" joke, in a greatly expanded version, can be found here. For example:

COMMUNISM
You have two cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have two cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, 
and then throws the milk away.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, 
because you want three cows.

These are cows.

Recent research has found some other ways of managing cows.

ANGLICANISM: You have two cows. They would like to marry, but this is not allowed. Still, you may bless their union. They have no calves.

ACTA: You have two elderly cows. They tell you they live in fear because the Vatican won't allow them to be ordained or to use contraception.

LITURGIST: You have two cows. The traditional advice is that they should say "Moo". However, you prefer the "modernist" translation, and encourage them to say "Baa".

A liturgist (L) training a cow to say "Baa".

ZUHLSDORFITE: You have two cows. You provide them with handguns, because they have a right to bear arms. When you go to milk them, they shoot you.

POPE FRANCISCAN: You have two cows. You are reported as saying that milking cows is simply a fashion. A month later, it is revealed that you said nothing of the kind.

DAWKINSITE: You have two test-tubes containing cow DNA. They don't seem to produce any milk, but then milk is a fictional concept created by faith-heads.

Stop worrying, there's probably no milk!

BLOGGER: You have two cows. They spend all their time getting into fights with other cows, and saying how much they hate them, before retiring to their shed in disgust.

CHUCK SMITHITE: You have two cows, and you send them to the Calvery Chapel (of course). They start to leave little piles of dung all over the place.

TABLETIST: You have two cows. You sell them a magazine which is supposed to be of interest to cows. They read it, and wonder why it contains so many articles on bullfighting and recipes for steak pie.

Milking a cow, the Hans Kühe way.

I am sure that my loyal readers (both of them) will have further suggestions.

A guide to the Novus Ordo 1

This should really be written in Latin, so that as many people as possible will understand it, but since my blog is mostly in English, I shall use that.

Most of you will be used to a traditional Latin Mass (some, indeed, swear by the Sarum Rite and find the Tridentine chaps a little too modern), so the idea is to let you know what to expect if you stumble into a NO Mass by mistake.

Men do it too... prepare for the Mass by catching up on your gossip.

Now, when you go into church for an EF Mass, you expect the congregation to be praying reverently, in total silence. For a NO Mass, the liturgy says that you should gossip with your neighbour until the priest arrives (which is sometimes as part of an impressive procession, involving deacons, altar servers, liturgical dancers, late-comers, people wanting their farm animals blessed, and so forth).

Sorry, Father, I couldn't get a babysitter.

Now, what should you gossip about? The Missal is somewhat vague on this point, but here are some good opening lines:

1. I'm going to be taken off the sex-offenders register next week, 
you know.
2. Ugh, you sneezed! Have you got some loathsome disease?
3. I heard that the deacon called you a skonk. What's a skonk?
4. Warm today, isn't it? But then it was cold yesterday. 
I blame that carbon dioxide stuff. Have you got any in your garden?
5. Oh, is that a baby you're holding? I was going to give it 
some peanuts.
6. Let me finish this cheeseburger, and then we can have a 
good natter.

Excitement mounts as the priest leaves the vestry.

Well, in the NO it is quite usual to start with a hymn. Nothing written before 1965 is acceptable, but Shine, shine in the Light, or I the Lord of Kum Bah will do nicely. Then the singing stops, the altar-servers pick their noses (boys) or do their make-up (girls), and the priest is ready to speak!

Kaixo eta ongietorri gure Igande goizean meza!

Oh yes, I forgot to mention that the Mass will be in the local tongue of the people (in this case, Basque). If you are lucky, the Missal will contain a parallel translation into Latin, but don't count on it.

Je ne regrette rien - the French version of the Act of Penitence.

Well, in the second instalment, we'll explain how to get through the bit that many people avoid by coming in late - the bit where we admit that we might possibly have sinned. Not seriously, of course. No worse than that horrible woman two rows in front. But a little bit. Maybe.

Continued in Part 2.

New Hymns 2

Today we are truly honoured to welcome King David, warrior, sex symbol and - as author of the Book of Psalms - the Paul Inwood of the 10th Century BC. Now, your Majesty...

D: Hey, it's not "Your Majesty!" Call me Dave.

"Dave," working on a psalm.

E: Yes, OK, Dave. Now I know you've had some embarrassing moments in your time, especially when Signor Michelangelo of the Italian paparazzi published a nude sculpture of you, but let's put that to one side now, and talk about your psalms.

D: Well, one likes to think one has a role as a Defender of Faiths, you know, and my psalms do seem to have gone down well with many in the Jewish, Christian and Muslim communities.

E: Still, they obviously need a little "refreshing" for modern audiences, and so that's why you're here today, I understand.

D: Yes, I was wondering about my Psalm 23 (as translated by King James himself): The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. Can you suggest something, Eccles?

A sheep, being sickeningly sweet.

E: Well, my general rule for modern hymns is, don't say too much about God, it's better to sing about yourself. And we could perhaps adapt the tune of "On Ilkla Moor Baht 'at," as Ilkley's a good place for sheep, I'm told.

The Lord's my shepherd, I'm a sheep:
I like to eat the grass and go "Baa Baa-aa."
The Lord's my shepherd, I'm a sheep,
The Lord's my shepherd, I'm a sheep.
Chorus: I like to go "Baa Baa!" 
I like to go "Baa Baa!" 
I like to go "Baa Baa!"

This sheep isn't as sweet, but he is on Ilkley Moor.

D: So how do you see the subsequent verses developing?

E: Well, as any modern hymn-writer will tell you, you only need to change one or two lines to get a completely new verse. So Verse 2 could be:

He makes me lie down in a field:
I like to eat the grass and go "Baa Baa-aa."
He makes me lie down in a field,
He makes me lie down in a field.
Chorus. I like to go "Baa Baa!" (x3)

D: My psalm is quite popular at funerals, you know, probably because of the lines: Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Double-O-7, why have you brought me to the Valley of the Shadow of Death?

E: Well, Dave, have a go yourself.

D: O.K.

When in the Valley of Death's Shade,
I like to eat the grass and go "Baa Baa-aa."
When in the Valley of Death's Shade,
When in the Valley of Death's Shade,
Chorus. I like to go "Baa Baa!" (x3)

E: Magnificent, Dave! You've managed to drain out almost all the theology, and to leave just some comfortable stuff about sheep. Kevin Mayhew will be knocking at your door any time now, begging for the publishing rights.

You make a table for me, Lord...

Illness in de fambly

My Grate-Anti Moly is sufferin badly from Roflitis. As I has mentoined before, she gits dese spamsms when she can do nuffin but cakcle and roll on de floor. Sometimes it even happens in de street, when she is on her way to de gin shop.

Here is a sample diallog dat we has.

Bosco: Anti Moly, Hunny, I has to point out to you dat you aint saved, and dat your stateu of de celebritty blogger Cutley is a cement iddle. Whats wuss, he is a Cathlic and destinned for de Lake of Fire.
Anti Moly: Rofl!
Eccles: My dere bruvver Bosco is rihgt, Anti. You is a lost sheep wot Jessus wants to save. Dey say he's very good wiv bad-temppered sheep and dem sheep what drinks too much. Anti, I finks dat gittin saved mihgt be a wise move.
Anti Moly: Rofl! Rofl!
Eccles: Bosco my dere, I gonna sing a Calumy Chappel hynm to our dere Anti.

We is brihgt and beuatiful,
Our preechers dey is wise,
God says we is wonderful
And goin to de skies.

Each little nun you beat up,
Each little concrete dove,
Dey shows we's gonna meet up
Wiv rapture all above.

Chorrus (We is brihgt and beuatiful).

We don't care if we sins now,
Cos dey is all forgaved.
We does just what we likes now,
Because we all is saved.

Chorrus (We is brihgt and beuatiful).

Anti Moly: Rofl! Rofl! Rofl!
Bosco: Shut up Eccles, or does I mean Hilda? My head is achin again.

Anyways, Anti Moly is currently havin a rest cure in St Hysteria's hopsital for de danggerously silly, and we hopes dat dey will be able to cope wiv her. She started by frowin de encephologrom apparattus out of de winder, but now dey straped her down and is tryin to cure de Roflitis.

It aint all bad news. Bosco has stopped sleepin in a box, and avoiddin de daylihgt, so perhaps he is gettin over de shock of bein bitten by Camila. He is still pinnin for de fat acktress called Hildda tho. He discovvered dat she gotta duaghter and he wants to take dirty phottos of her for his own blogg. Dat's very rude Bosco, and I cant fink of many saved poeple who puts dirty phottos on dere bloggs.