This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Monday, 16 February 2015

Christians get ready to observe Ramadan

We are guided today by a brilliant observation from the Catholic Bishops of England and Wales:

CBCEW drivel

Of course! The time has come to combine Ramadan and Lent into one great period of abstinence, to be called Ramalent, or Lentadan, or something. Rentalamb. Whatever. Maybe we can get the Jews on board too, and combine Lent with Yom Kippur as well. We've agreed to eat no bacon on Fridays - see how much common ground we have already? Crumbs! The Middle-East crisis is as good as solved, even without the efforts of Tony Blair!

cat in fez

A new-look Catholic cat.

For Christians, Lent is the time when Christ went into the desert and met the Devil - or, according to Giles Fraser, didn't meet the Devil. If only Matthew, Mark and Luke had been Guardian-readers they'd have known that such a thing was impossible! Mohammed of course did not meet the Devil, or even Giles Fraser, but his followers still recommend Ramadan as a period of fasting, at least until it gets dark, when Muslims can PARTY!

Muslims dancing

See? Muslims love liturgical dancing, just as Christians do!

Mgr Ronald Knox wrote a fine piece, Reunion all round, about the possible inclusion of Muslims, Jews, Atheists, etc. into the Church of England (where they would hardly be thought of as unusual). One of his best recommendations was that Muezzins should awake people in the morning by intoning simple, non-controversial messages from church towers, such as:

Early to bed, and early to rise,
Makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise!

Pope and Muslim

"Mohammed said 'An apple a day keeps the doctor away.' Are you Catholics happy with that one?"

Indeed, other messages are possible. The Anglicans might wish to use the well-known statement of faith, which applies to every issue they discuss (it was first published in Private Eye, I think):

On the one hand...
On the other hand...
In a very real sense...

while the Catholics may simply shout out:

Who am I to judge?

Westminster Cathedral

One of Westminster's finest mosques (prop. Imam Nichols).

Anyway, these precise reforms are probably further down the line; although the Tablet, as usual, is in the vanguard, and is already tipping Jihad John as the next bishop of Arundel and Brighton. Meanwhile, we Christians can prepare for Ramadan with a clear conscience, knowing that we are now eligible for 72 virgins in Paradise (offer available to men only) as an alternative to an eternity in Abraham's bosom.


  1. I wonder whether the Bishops of England and Wales read "Lord of the World" by Mgr Benson - not as an apocalyptic novel, but rather as an instruction manual.

    1. I'd forgotten this, but in the book, Westminster Cathedral is the only church in London that is still used for religious purposes, with the others having become Masonic lodges. (Source: Wikipedia)

  2. The trouble is, the outside of Westminster Cathedral does look like a mosque already, to me anyway. I think it's all those domes.

    1. At school (long ago) I was told that when it came to choose a design, Cardinal Vaughan decided on a Byzantine Style rather than Gothic because otherwise there would have been odious comparisons with Westminster Abbey (authentic vs ersatz)

      Anyway the Byzantine style existed long before Islam came onto the scene, the question is who stole from whom?

  3. Could we have a few public hangings and floggings? They would certainly draw a crowd and show increasing convergence with Islam as practiced in our close ally Saudi Arabia.

  4. Incidentally, Yom Kippur isn't until the autumn (Sept-Oct) and there is no way I am going to keep on failing to abstain from whatever it is I am failing to abstain from for 8 months. The Jewish Chronicle once had a cartoon of an old sandwich-board man with 2 placards, reading "REPENT NOW"......"and avoid the Yom Kippur rush". Perhaps we might try that one on our Jewish brothers in ....oh, sorry, forget I started that phrase, in the spirit of ecumenism?

  5. I love Yom Kippers for breakfast so I'm not fasting from those thank you very much.

  6. Yes we get a great view of London from the Westminster minaret.