An interview with Arthur Roche

I was privileged to join Christopher Lambchop (of the Bitter Pill) and Christopher Whitebait (of the Fishwrap) in a sycophantic intervew of Uncle Arthur Roche, although I did not say much.

I also missed out on the photo.

Chris (one or the other): Your Eminence, what is it like being the most wonderful Catholic of our era, or indeed any era?

Arthur: I came from 'umble origins, Batley in Yorkshire. We used to live in one room, all twenty-six of us, no furniture, 'alf the floor was missing, and we were all 'uddled together in one corner for fear of falling.

Chris: And now, who'd have thought that you'd be drinking Château de Chasselas and stuffing yourself with cinnabons, eh, your Holiness?

Arthur: Aye, we 'ad it tough. But I worked my way to the top, first as a champion ice-skater, then Bishop of Leeds, then jobs in Rome, and - who knows? - will I be the next pope? I'm already sounding out little Austen Ivereigh to write a hagiography of me!

"I think I'd look better in white, Holy Father."

Chris: I guess you first came to the notice of those above when you started closing churches in Leeds, your Sublimity. Wasn't the DVD that you produced explaining this top of the charts in Yorkshire for two years, O saintly one?

Arthur: Yes, this was my finest hour in England. My idea has even been taken up by Pope Francis!

Chris: Could you explain that, your Vastness?

Arthur: All cardinals are assigned a church in Rome. Mine is San Saba. But the Holy Father has just sent me a DVD explaining that San Saba is to close, and all new cardinals are being given beach houses instead. Apparently, this was Ted McCarrick's idea.

Closing down.

Chris: A brilliant idea, your Rotundness. Now, tell us more about your plans to burn all TLM worshippers at the stake, if you'd be so kind, Mightiness.

Arthur: Some people are stubbornly opposing what the Church - well, Pope Francis not Pope Benedict obviously - has actually decreed.

Both Chrises: Sing adoration to Pope Francis!

Arthur: It's a very serious matter. In the end people have to ask themselves: am I really a Catholic or am I more of a Protestant?

Eccles (for it is he): You're more of a Protestant?

Omnes: SHUT UP, ECCLES!

"The dissolution of the monasteries? We're calling it Traditionis Custodes."

Cardinal Sarah - Dontchahatehim?

Exclusive revelations from Christopher Lambchop of the Tablet.

Tablet readers all know that the Leader of the Opposition to Pope Francis is Cardinal Sarah. In this hatchet job in-depth analysis, I can exclusively reveal some of the things he has been trying to keep secret.

Tina Beattie and Lambchop at a Tablet party.

First, did you know that, despite being called Sarah, he is in fact a MAN? This sexual ambivalence could be the reason why he wants to persecute women by not letting them become priests. What do you think?

I can also reveal that he is BLACK; in fact he comes from the African country of New Guinea (memo: check this). His long opposition to dictators, notably Sékou Touré, has no doubt prepared him well for his current role as leader of the opposition to Pope Francis. He opposes him in "Yes, Minister" style by supporting Pope Francis while secretly undermining him - in fact so secretly that nobody except me even guessed that he has a passionate hatred for the Pope!

"Yes, Holy Father." Sarah undermines Pope Francis's work.

Sarah's connections are sinister in the extreme. The Knights of Columbus bought copies of his book! Gosh, I wouldn't be surprised to learn that other extremists have got copies too - we have had no denials from Damian Thompson, Father Zuhlsdorf, Pope Benedict XVI, Boris Johnson, or Donald Trump, have we? His connections in Africa are also very dubious - could he secretly be a Lefebvrist - perhaps even too extreme for the SSPX? Seems likely, eh?

He's certainly an intelligent man - he studied Scripture in Rome and (unlike Pope Francis) has learned how to read without moving his lips! Too clever for his own good, eh? Francis, being merciful and saintly, refused to exile him to a war zone such as Syria, although he richly deserves that!

Sarah remains extremely loyal to Benedict XVI, unlike most reasonable people, who hated him from the start. Controversy arose in January, when he even dared to co-author a book with him, disregarding Pope Francis's apostolic exhortation Senex Maledictus ("Curse the old man!")

He has this obsession with traditional Catholic teaching - he was the one who put a stop to Pope Francis's attempts to make a "filial correction" of Jesus Christ. He even likes celebrating communion ad orientem (an African term meaning "refusing to grin at the congregation"!)

Arthur Roche wonders how to take advantage when his boss turns his back on him.

Well, Sarah himself is nearly 75 now, and Pope Francis, who works mainly with the cardinal's faithful second-in-command, the bluff no-nonsense Yorkshire test-cricketer Arthur Roche, will want to kick him out of the Congregation for Divine Worship and the Discipline of the Sacraments. For he has noticed that Sarah spends much of his time talking about worship and sacraments - which Francis doesn't understand - rather than climate change and migration - which he does.

Good riddance, I say! Clear off, Sally, and take your parallel magisterium with you!

Adapted from The Outsider - another hagiography of Pope Francis, published by Austen and Ivereigh (20p at your nearest jumble sale).

Newman was my kind of Catholic

A guest contribution from Christopher Lambchop of the Tablet.

There is little doubt that celebrity saint John Henry Newman would have been an ardent Remainer. So says Fr Ignatius Harrison of the Birmingham Oratory, and his wise words are backed by Diarmuid Martin, the Archbishop of Dublin, who is still recovering in hospital from the removal of his spine.

Of course we cannot be sure exactly how Newman would have resolved the current crisis. Would he have campaigned for a second referendum? A simple dropping of Article 50? Or perhaps he would have asked for another 20-year extension? We can never be entirely certain, although scholars who have read his writings are sure that he was crying out to be ruled by such giants as Juncker, Verhofstadt, Von der Leyen, and Barnier.

Christopher Lambchop with an unknown lady (probably Tina Beattie)

Likewise, we can tell from his Apologia pro Greta sua, that Newman would have supported the Extinction Rebellion's current campaign to shut down the world's cities. It is known that he never flew in an aeroplane, and there are accounts of his gluing himself to hot air balloons in an attempt to bring people closer to God. As he said in 1895 "We have only 12 years in which to save the world," and his words are as true now as they ever were. When we see our heroes engage in interpretive dance moves in order to help our planet survive, we know that John Henry Newman is looking down and wishing he was there.

Vestments worn by St John Henry Newman.

Moving on to Catholic issues, a subject we tend to avoid in the Tablet, we know that Newman would have enjoyed the current Amazonis Laetitia summit. Not just for the opportunity to stick feathers in his hair and worship pagan fertility idols, but also for the new doctrine that it promotes - notably the ordination of women as deacons (sha-women joining the sha-men). A pioneer in every way, Newman records in his writings how he used to confess his sins to the trees in Oxford, and listen to the wisdom of the wisteria.

On the wider scene, Newman was a keen feminist, a promoter of LGBT issues (history records that he never married), and in short, a typical Tablet reader. Modernism was his creed, as we know from his famous letter to Pope Pius IX, which begins "Get with the programme, baby-oh. This infallibility wheeze is a great opportunity for you to rewrite Catholic doctrine."

"Newman made me a modernist."

Yes, Newman was definitely my type of Catholic.

Will this do? Actually, he seems to have been a bit of a old fogey, and rather a stuffed shirt, but we'd better not say that. Chris.

Transylvanians fear Pope's visit

In Transylvania, honest peasants are decking their homes with garlic and crucifixes, and refusing to go out after dark, as Pope Francis arrives on the latest of his world trips.

No, it is not the Holy Father, "He who can never tell lies," that they fear; rather it is the entourage of journalists, theologians, priests, vampires, and werewolves, who accompany him wherever he goes.

Fr Antonio Spadaro.

Said Bram Stoca, a humble peasant from Bran, "Probably there is no truth in the rumours that Austen Ivereigh sleeps in a coffin, that Robert Mickens can turn into a bat, or that Fr Rosica can only be killed with a stake through his heart, but I am taking no chances."

The local Lord of the Manor, Count Dracula, is equally perturbed by the prospect of the invading hordes, not least as they are likely to take "customers" away from his own private Banca de Sange.

"Any chance of a job with the Tablet?"

Some say that the Transylvanians' worries are unfounded, but for hundred of years peasants have told their children in hushed tones of the legend of the National Catholic Reporter, of Michael Sean Winters, of Fr Thomas Reese SJ, and even of Count Massimo Faggioli himself, of whom it is said in 1 Maccabees 5:4 (and no we are NOT making this bit up):

And he remembered the malice of the children of Bean: who were a snare and a stumblingblock to the people, by lying in wait for them in the way.

Fighting an NCR journalist with the only thing he fears.

Meet the Buzzfeed hack firing bitter pills at Father Z

Until I came across this piece, a hatchet job on "blogger priest" Father Z, I wasn't really aware that Buzzfeed did semi-serious journalism.

In fact, it usually turns up on Twitter via its moronic quizzes. Which Famous Serial Killer Are You? Which Heretical Jesuit Are You? Which Fatal Illness Are You?

Excuse my French! Apparently someone is paid to produce this garbage.

Still, we stumbled across something, and it turned out to be the immortal prose of one Joseph Bernstein. In the eyes of little Joseph, anyone who is not a committed Democrat is probably alt-right. Three of the sad little figureheads of Catholic Liberalism (or do I mean Liberal Catholicism?) are wheeled out: alt-Jesuit Jimmy Martin (catchphrase, "it's HATE"), odd-bod theologian Massimo Faggioli, and "Catholic Whiners" founder Austen Ivereigh. They all get a chance to put the boot in.

Well, I don't always agree with Father Z: indeed I have blogged about his fondness for guns (but he's American, and they still need them in Wisconsin for predatory redcoats, Injuns, buffaloes, drug-dealers, Democrats, Jesuits, etc., so I guess he has an excuse). There's also his excessive use of red ink, and, worst of all, the fact that I'm not allowed to comment on his blog, whereas so many less-saved people can do so. Oh, and he plugs "Mystic Monk" coffee, when my own "Numinous Nun" brand is far better.

An oldie, but a goodie. Fr Z takes the cure.

Well I looked up Joseph Bernstein, and his track record for boring articles is pretty good. Some time I must find out who Chelsea Manning is (all I know is that he was originally called Aston Villa Manning), and try and get excited about a museum that wants all its donors to believe in climate change...zzz...zzz...

Sorry, where was I? Oh yes, the bitter pills fired at Father Z. Well, as Father DL notes (more-or-less), Mr Weinstein doesn't realise that Catholicism is more about tradition/modernism and orthodoxy/heterodoxy than straightforward right/left politics. Although you nay suspect that Benedict XVI votes for the Partito Italiano Conservativo, while Francis leans towards the Marxisto-Leninisto Socialisto Partito.

"Sigh! I guess our prayers are cancelling each other out as well."

Anyway, I need to change my name from Eccles to something extravagantly long, so that I can then be referred to affectionately as "Frater E". Something like Ecclesiasticolongendorf should do the trick. Then I too can be noticed by... drat, I've forgotten his name already. That Buzz Lightyear person.

The 4th secret of Fatima

The story of the three Portuguese children, Lúcia Santos and her cousins Jacinta and Francisco Marto, who saw the Virgin Mary in 1917, and were entrusted with three secrets, is well known. What is less known is the story of another cousin, Ecclesão, who left the group before they became famous.

Why is Ecclesão always omitted from the Fatima records?

Ecclesão always claimed that Mary entrusted him with the fourth - and most significant - prediction, which would come to pass exactly 100 years later. According to his account, the message went as follows:

"Now, Ecclesão, pay attention, as I have an important warning to deliver to you. Stop scratching, and put that phone away - you won't get a signal for another 100 years anyway.

There will come a time when the Church has two popes living - one aged 90, who will be called Benedictus (blessed), and one aged 80 who will be called Franciscus. The older man will spend his declining years in prayer and beer-drinking, a just reward for a life of holiness. Beware the younger man, for he will reject the teaching of his forefathers, even the present Pope, Benedict XV.

The evil one tempted him, and he did read the words of Beattie and Küng.

There will be many and diverse quarrels in the Church at that time. Franciscus will prowl like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. There will come a man from the New World who will ask five questions of Franciscus, and what do you think he will reply?"

Ecclesão: No, yes, yes, yes, yes?

"Nice try, Ecclesão, but no coconut [editor's note: this is an untranslatable Portuguese idiom]. Nay, Franciscus will remain silent - at least when it comes to answering the five questions, although he will plot against the man from the New World, and he will let it be known privily that the answers are in fact 'Yes, no, no, no, no', although he will not dare say so in public.

And the Lord shall smite the ungodly one, though he be a Jesuit.

Look towards the Sovereign Order of Malta, Ecclesão, and see the damage wrought. The holy men of the order will distribute engines to prevent the conception of children, and their grandmaster will essay to stop them. But Franciscus will take over the Sovereign Order and seek to appoint a new grandmaster. Yeah, he will even attempt to ban their grandmaster from Rome, although he will soon discover that he hath no such power.

Ecclesão: This is pretty ghastly, isn't it? Can I go now?

Do not interrupt, Ecclesão. This is the story of end times. In 100 years from now the Church must make a decision. Will it persuade Franciscus to take a humble pension, and retire to Dunrantin, the home that is prepared for him? If so, then there may come a man of dark skin with the name of a girl, who will succeed Franciscus in the Chair of Peter and restore true teaching. Or will Franciscus continue to rage, until the time cometh when a man of the Eastern Philippians, who already seeketh supreme power, will be ready to bring destruction upon the Church?

Ecclesão: it's enough to drive you into the arms of the Anglicans, isn't it?

At this point the Virgin Mary laughed heartily and disappeared.

Asparagus with Worcester sauce - Ecclesão is shown a strange vision of the future.

[Editor's note: of course it's possible that naughty Ecclesão made the whole thing up.]

The Tablet seeks a new editor

Yes, 2016 has proved a truly grim year. We lost Mother Angelica, Andrew Sachs, David Bowie, Terry Wogan (fill in your own names here), and now Catherine Pepinster is leaving the Tablet, or Bitter Pill as it is known to many Catholics. It will be hard to fill the shoes of the woman who brought you top-quality theology from the likes of Hans Küng, Tony Flannery and James Martin!

Mrs Pepinster interviews the last surviving Marx brother for the showbusiness page.

Over now to the Tablet offices, where they are in the process of choosing a successor.

Right, the first application is from Damian Thompson of the Spectator and Catholic Herald. He's promising us some hard-hitting Catholic journalism (all gasp), as well as in-depth analysis of the likely front-runners for the next papacy. Is Cardinal Sarah ruled out because of his bad hair? Is there any cardinal apart from Dolan who really understands custard? Burning questions, I'm sure you'll agree.

Also, which pope had the worst drink problem? Plus a stable of new writers such as Cristina Odone, Dan Hodges and Mary Riddell. No, we really can't accept that.

Who's next? Ah yes, Thomas Rosica of the Salt and Vinegar Corporation. He's a Basilian (of the St Basil of Fawlty branch). He says he has this wonderful plan to reduce the subscription to zero by blocking all the subscribers he doesn't like. No, I don't think that would work.

A keen Tablet reader looks in vain for something Catholic.

Then there's someone who describes himself as "Father Z". He reckons we can obtain sponsorship from the Numinous Nun Coffee Company, and says he should be able to hit the "target readership" from 100 paces. Also, he plans to publish the newspaper in Latin. Well, we'll keep him on our list for the moment.

You know... this isn't really getting us anywhere. Did someone put "Catholic" in the job advert by mistake? For the last 12 years we've been trying to rebrand ourselves as a clone of the Guardian, and now they want to take us back to the bad old days. Does Amoris Laetitia mean nothing to you? Did she die in vain?*

*Old Tony Hancock joke, adapted.

Oh, hang it. Give the job to Tina. She'll make sure the magazine stays firmly in the 1970s.

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Personally I'm finding the Tablet Advent Calendar a little disappointing.

Lunatic targeted in vicious online campaign

Sister Judy Piranha writes:

Co-eee, Eccles!? Ever since I signed my name to that letter to the Polish bishops, I have been vilified, insulted, and MOCKED!? Me, sister Judy Piranha of the Catholic Nuns for Naughtiness!!?? Called a "silly old trout" and "loopy old bat"!!?? And all because I joined in Tina Beattie's campaign to EDUCATE the Polish bishops in the CATHOLIC approach to abortion!!??

Sister Judy - the voice of Catholic youth!

Apparently, Tina Beattie is a great FAN of the Eccles blog, and this is how she heard about me!!?? So together with some of my SAINTLY sisters, I was invited to sign that famous letter!!?? Sister Beyoncé and Sister Gaga agreed without hesitation, and eventually Sister Madonna and Sister Elton John also joined in the fun!!??

The basis of Catholic teaching on abortion, is that babies have RIGHTS too!!?? They have the right to be aborted!! Of course, they're too YOUNG to decide for themselves, so we let the mothers decide!!

Like my friend Tina, I was very CROSS at the reaction to our letter!!?? Some people criticised my appointment as Distinguished Catholic GUEST LECTURER at Roehampton (subject: Enrich your Catholic Life with Nude Circle Dancing!!), my position as theological adviser to the Catholic Charity CAPHOD BEEBLEBROX, and my role as the BBC's "tame Catholic" whenever Ed Stourton needs someone from Catholic Vices to put forward an authentic CATHOLIC viewpoint!!?? Well!?!?

They're burning the Tablet in protest!!??

Also, Vincent Nichols preached a really NASTY sermon saying that abortion destroys an innocent human life??!! However, he only called us "ghastly Hell-cats" six times, so we know he's on our side really - Tina said so!! As for the other bishops, well at least +Arnold is a great fan, and has installed a Tina Beattie stained-glass window in Salford Cathedral!!?? Admittedly, we DON'T expect much support from +Egan and +Davies!!??

Enough is enough, that's what I say!!?? And the Polish bishops haven't even replied to our letter!!?? Don't they want to know what authentic Catholic teaching looks like!!??

"That's agreed, then. I'll call them 'demonically-possessed old biddies' and you call them 'fiends from Gehenna'."

Is Hans Küng infallible?

In conjunction with those well-known bastions of Catholic orthodoxy, the National Catholic Reporter and The Tablet, Pope Francis has issued a challenge to the doctrine of Küngly infallibility.

Wave your Hans! The doctrines of Hans Küng Fu lead to enlightenment.

It will be recalled that the First Vatican Council of 1869–1870 formally defined the doctrine of Küngly infallibility, saying that whenever Hans (who in those days was a mere teenager) made an ex cathedra declaration on faith or morals, then it was to be treated as infallible. However, as early as 1980 it was recognised that Hans Küng was barking mad the teachings of Hans Küng were too radical to be accepted by the Church, and his "licence to teach" was withdrawn, along with his television licence and his licence to kill.

Pope Francis himself does not go in for ex cathedra declarations, but in an ex aeroplana statement, as reported by Eugenio Scalfari, he is believe to have said "Hans Küng is a complete idiot who should have joined the Lutherans years ago. They'll take anyone. Could I have a bag of peanuts, please?"

Another entrant for the "Doesn't look like Pope Francis" competition.

Supporters of Küng have angrily claimed that Pope Francis is jealous of Hans's impressive academic record, including honorary degrees from AXA anti-Hellfire Insurance, Dreamland Margate, and the University of Atlantis. Not to mention his 250 published books, including "You is not infallible, only I is infallible" and "Why does everyone hate me?"

Pope Francis, on the other hand, has recently written a book answering children's questions such as "Does God work on Sundays?", "What is the point of Giles Fraser?" and "Do self-absorbed promethean neo-pelagians go to Heaven?"

Forget North Korea, Saudi Arabia, Somalia and Syria. Here's REAL suffering.

The debate goes on. Is Professor Küng - three times winner of the Tony Flannery prize for patient bearing of torture - really infallible? Who are we to judge?

Exclusive interview with the Russian Patriarch

Following his historic meeting with Pope Francis, Patriarch Kirill of Moscow has agreed to give an equally historic interview to this blog.

"And for spiritual nourishment you can't do better than reading Eccles's blog."

E: Good to see see you, Kirill. I gather you had a very successful meeting with Pope Francis.

K: Yes, we found that we had so much in common. For example, the Catholic Church is under pressure from liberals who want to introduce "gay masses", and so are we in the Russian Orthodox Church. There's this appalling Archbishop called Vinkentii Nikolskii, in the Diocese of West Minsk. If he ever became Supreme Patriarch, we might as well remove the word "Orthodox" from our title.

E: I gather that some of your Orthodox liberals want to ordain Matriarchs?

K: You're probably thinking of Professor Kristina Beatii, Eccles. Her feminist notions are totally off the scale: her devotion to the Virgin Mary is very commendable, but she seems to have trouble with all the male characters in the Bible.

E: She writes for Tabla, doesn't she?

The Tabla staff after an acrimonious editorial meeting.

K: I won't have the rag in my house, Eccles. Under Katarina Pepinskaya it has become the paper for those who want to ferment rebellion and dissent.

E: It is good of you to speak so frankly, your patriarchship.

K: Well, the last interview I gave was to a 103-year-old atheist journalist called Scalfarii, who told me "Don't bother to say anything, Kyrill, I'm going to make it all up anyway." I expect you will do much better.

E: Well, I hope so, sir. It was actually quite difficult for me to get to see you, what with that burly man on the door screaming "You're blocked" at all-comers. Father Rositskii, was it? He said he worked for the Siberian "Salt Mines" conglomerate.

K: I believe he's some sort of actor. Didn't I see him in the new production of War and Peace? Just ignore him.

Napoleon, as seen in "War and Peace".

E: Patriarch Kirill, thank you very much. Stay saved.

Pope Francis agrees to forgive Jesus

In his homily for the Feast of the Holy Family, Pope Francis had this to say:

Instead of returning home with his family, he stayed in Jerusalem, in the Temple, causing great distress to Mary and Joseph who were unable to find him. For this little "escapade", Jesus probably had to beg forgiveness of his parents. The Gospel doesn't say this, but I believe that we can presume it.

"Now, about your Guardian articles, Father Fraser..."

Clearly Pope Francis has forgiven Our Lord for "going about His Father's business", and in this Year of Mercy it is only right that a truly humble Pope should point out God's sins and try to forgive them. No previous Pope has even dared to try.

Another famous sin that only Pope Francis can forgive was the drowning of the Gerasene (or Gadarene) Swine. You will recall that there was a man possessed by demons - probably he led a fulfilling lifestyle as an alternative comedian on Radio 4, with a huge Twitter following - and his demons were driven out into the pigs, and thence into the sea.

Jesus cureth the alternative comedian.

For a long time after, Farmer Giles wondered what had happened to his pigs, but did he receive any apology - let alone compensation - from Jesus? I think not. It is time for Pope Francis, on behalf of the entire Catholic Church, to forgive Jesus's thoughtless actions.

On another occasion Jesus drove people out of the Temple with a whip of knotted cords - whenever anyone says "What would Jesus do?" this is certainly an answer I like to give. The Bible says the people were selling pigeons and changing money, but it is likely that they were also doing even more heinous things.

"Luckily he hasn't seen that we're also selling copies of the Tablet!"

Jesus was obliged to apologise for losing his temper in this way. In the immortal words of Pope Francis: The Gospel doesn't say this, but I believe that we can presume it.

Having, in his short reign, attacked the entire Catholic Church, from the Curia downwards, Pope Francis is naturally anxious to reconstruct God in his own image, and we look forward to reading more stories of the Holy Father mercifully forgiving God's sins over the next few months.

Catholic Church to accept Gospel of Judas

For the first time since the 4th Century AD, the Catholic Church has agreed to add a new book to the Bible, namely the gnostic Gospel of Judas. This book, which consists of informal conversations between Our Lord and the disciple Judas Iscalfariot, contains new and exciting teaching that in places seems to contradict what we learn from the rest of the Bible.

Iscalfariot, or possibly St Jerome of Corbyn

According to Our Lord's new teaching, as reported by Iscalfariot, marriage is no great shakes, really, and adultery is nothing to worry about. Certainly remarried divorcees should be admitted to Communion: the only question is whether it is really appropriate to admit those married couples who quarrel occasionally but have not yet taken the Christian way out - divorce.

With the Catholic Church accepting the Gospel of Judas, the question arises whether other Christian denominations will follow suit. The Anglicans, in fact, are way ahead of the Catholics, as they all believe unquestioningly in the very exciting 39 Articles: of these, one - "the Bishop of Rome hath no jurisdiction" - is now becoming very popular among certain Catholic bishops as well.

"I heard that."

---

In other news, Cardinal Walter Kasper is due to give a lecture in Durham tomorrow, as part of the Tablet's 175th anniversary celebrations. Many of Walter Kasper's most loyal fans are bitterly disappointed to hear this news - saying that being associated with the Tablet may well harm the good cardinal's reputation as a pillar of orthodoxy.

"The Tablet? Are you sure that it's a totally orthodox magazine?"

A similar problem arose when pianist and composer Stephen Hough was commissioned to write a piano sonata for the Tablet's anniversary. We have not heard the piece yet, but we understand that it is programmatic in style, beginning with music that is strongly Catholic in flavour, based on Gregorian chant, and then suddenly degenerating in the last few bars into a depiction of Chaos and Hell. What could he possibly have been trying to say?

"This bit depicts a Witches' Sabbath."

German bishops recalled in mission scandal

The company Volksbischof has been forced to recall its entire stock of Catholic bishops, after tests proved that they had been deceiving people about the quality of their missions. In everyday situations there was a distinct whiff of sulphur about their teachings, which the bishops successfully concealed whenever they were inspected closely.

Unholy smoke! A German bishop leads his flock astray.

Said a spokesman, "I have had my doubts about the Kasper 2.0 and the Marx 1.6 for some time. I was also concerned that if I drove them in hilly countryside, they would rush out of control down a slippery slope without any hope of stopping. From now on I'm getting a steady reliable Burkemobile!"

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Meanwhile, in other news, Cardinal Vincent Nichols has been trying to answer this question: What do the Catholic church's most devoted members believe? As a "process of discernment", the bishops of England and Wales have been taking soundings and the results are shocking.

According to the survey, 90% of Catholics are dissatisfied with the Church. But there's more!

Vincent Nichols looks for loopholes in the Bible.

90% of the most devoted Catholics are members of ACTA, the organization for stirring up dissent in the Catholic Church.

90% of the most devoted Catholics are Tablet readers.

90% of the most devoted Catholics never attend Mass, except for special "gay" masses.

90% of Catholics are still whingeing about the word "communion" in the new translation of the missal.

90% of the most devoted Catholics want Vincent Nichols to be the next pope.

90% of the most devoted Catholics are over 80 years old.

Indeed, 90% of the most devoted Catholics say they would be happier as Protestants.

Cardinal Nichols believes that the survey is statistically meaningful; if so, then the inescapable conclusion is that the Catholic Church needs to drop its pretence of being "religious" and become a secular charity with aims similar to Stonewall or BPAS. You read it here first.

Hackers set to reveal embarrassing list of names

Following the hacking of the Ashley Madison adultery website, and the embarrassment caused by the release of a large list of subscribers, it has been reported that the hackers (the so-called Impact Team) are now targeting the Tablet subscription list.

Diversity is more important than Christ, with JOY best of all.

Many otherwise faithful Catholics have been tempted by the idea of having a "good time" with the Tablet, perhaps even going so far as to read one of its articles online (after all, it is said that Christopher Howse is slightly saved). However, it is widely considered that taking out a subscription to the magazine, flirting directly with the writings of Clifford Longley and Tina Beattie, is unacceptable behaviour. It is said that in many an allegedly pious Catholic home, copies of the magazine are delivered in brown envelopes, and conversations such as the following take place:

Wife: Your copy of Catholic Babes in Custard has arrived, darling.
Husband: Er yes, thanks. (Thinks: Thank goodness she doesn't realise that it's really the Tablet!)
(Rushes off to admire Elena Curti's latest craziness.)

A less embarrassing alternative to the Tablet.

However, if the hackers succeed in their aims, then they will expose many apparently-orthodox Catholics to shame and ridicule, and this may even lead to the break-up of families. Still, the Impact Team are unrepentant, feeling that it is only right to expose double standards.

We will keep you informed of further developments. Rumours going round Eccleston Square suggest that the Tablet subscription list may contain the names of several prominent bishops and other high-profile Catholics. We do hope that this is not the case - the Church cannot afford such scandals.

Pope Francis embraces the Spirit of Corbyn

As Jeremy Corbyn MP looks increasingly likely to become the next leader of the Labour party, support has come from an unexpected (?) source, for Pope Francis has put his weight behind Mr Corbyn's candidature. Given that all four of the candidates are atheists (or "agnostic" when talking to Christians), there is no reason why a Catholic pope should not make a free choice whom to support.

Jeremy Corbyn, with trademark cap and beard.

It is said that the pope is planning to trade in his zucchetto for the traditional socialist's silly cap, and he will probably want to grow a beard in solidarity with Mr Corbyn, for there are distinct signs that the Holy Father is sympathetic to the ideals of the MP for Islington North. For example, he picked up a most exciting Marxist relic on his recent trip to South America.

"Yours for 200 Bolivianos, Papa. It fell off the back of a lorry."

It has always been accepted behaviour for great religious leaders to fraternize with dodgy people (or "sinners" as we used to call them), and Jeremy Corbyn's links with Sinn Fein, Hamas, Hezbollah, etc. are seen as a sign of his greatness. Similarly, the pope is not hesitating to dive head-first into the murky world of politics, including Argentina's obsessive campaign to grab the Falkland Islands and its reserves of oil and gas liberate the oppressed sheep of the Malvinas.

"Will this get me back on Cristina Kirchner's Christmas card list?"

Let Pope Francis have the final word:

Some people have described Corbyn as a joke candidate, and totally unfitted for the position of spiritual leader of 300,000 Labourites. Still, it should be remembered that, although it is the duty of faithful Labourites to show respect to their political father, who is the occupant of the chair of St Keir the hardy, his words need not be treated as infallible except when he speaks ex cathedra on matters of party policy. If we understand that, then we can all get along fine.

What is a prominent Catholic?

Fifty prominent Catholics have written a letter on welfare reform to the Tablet. Since it was behind a paywall (the so-called "Dark Web"), we would initially have needed a subscription to read it, so we have had to wait two weeks to find out who the fifty prominent Catholics are. My guess was Chris Patten, Eamon Duffy, old Uncle Ed Stourton and all, but I was wrong.

A prominent Catholic, but one who doesn't like people writing to the press.

One of the letter-writers is Tina Beattie, modestly described as "Professor of Catholic Studies, Director, The Digby Stuart Research Centre for Religion, Society and Human Flourishing (DSRC), Digby Stuart College, University of Roehampton". Oh, THAT Tina Beattie. Not Tina Beattie the all-in wrestler, as I first thought.

Others are given the label "retired teacher", when we could at least have been told they were "retired teacher of geometry, geography and human flourishing, St Trinian's Catholic Comprehensive".

A prominent Catholic schoolteacher.

Apart from dear Tina, whose name will be well known to readers of this blog, the only name that I recognised instantly was David Lodge, the comic novelist. Not exactly a Wodehouse or even a Pratchett, but I did enjoy Changing Places. He apparently describes himself as a once orthodox Roman Catholic becoming less and less so as time went on. Yes, that's clear from his writing.

Splendid! The two most prominent signatories to the letter are about as far away from Catholic orthodoxy as you can get without actually sacrificing virgins to Apollo. Typical Tablet readers, and indeed Tina herself is a director and trustee.

Bernard Cribbins, Peter Sellers, and David Lodge

Oh, that may not be the right David Lodge.

After that, it gets more difficult to recognise any of the names. Two members of the Banbury Justice and Peace Group have signed the letter. Splendid people, I am sure, as you never hear of injustice or war breaking out in Banbury. But not prominent, perhaps. Another signatory calls herself "Union of Catholic Mothers". An odd name for a lady, or do we assume that the entire union signed the letter?

Note that "prominent Catholics" are not the same as "top Catholics", who are generally rich and famous people like the president of Adobe. For example, Prof. Tina Beattie will not be rich and famous until Hammer Horror agree to film God's Mother, Eve's Advocate.

To be a prominent Catholic all you have to do is say "look at me! look at me!" However, those who do look at you will say things like "Oh look, it's that old bat from St Trinian's; she's being prominent again. Pretend we haven't seen her."

A prominent top Catholic. But you couldn't afford him.