What do you know about Christmas?

Our attention has been drawn by Archdruid Eileen to an article showing that 9 out of 10 Independent journalists know nothing about Christmas.

The problem, of course is that 99% of them haven't been in a church for more than 20 years ("Is it that big building with the minarets?") and 85% of them have never spoken to a Christian ("They're the ones in the turbans, aren't they?")

This is probably not a church.

Although we haven't even got to the 2nd Sunday in Advent, it was clear to the Independent editor that we must already be on about the 35th Day of Christmas, which traditionally starts when Bonfire Night is over, and it was time for a "What we don't know about Christmas" piece.

Shockingly, when asked to name the 12 Apostles - not that they have much to do with Christmas - the Independent "Staff and Agencies" (a term they use when they can't find anyone prepared to take responsibility for an article) came up with the following list:

Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Acts, Adam, Eve, Esau, Jacob, David, Goliath, Pontius Pilate,

and as, mentioned on the Archdruid Eileen blog, they narrowly avoided naming Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen (or possibly Kasper and Cupich and Farrell and Tobin).

Christians - except for "Jihadi John" Arnold - do not celebrate Mohammed's birthday.

Clearly, it is difficult to find the traditional Christmas story - either you need to find a Bible, and then it's a long wade through from Genesis until you get to the bit about Bethlehem, or else you need to do "research" (probably Google), and that sounds too much like hard work. Indeed, if you use traditional Christmas keywords such as "snowman", "robin" and "mince pie", you may never stumble across the story at all.

The Easter story is equally hard to pin down, and even a Biblical concordance won't help you if you type in keywords such as "egg", "bunny" and "chocolate". We Christians know that these are key parts of the Easter narrative, but traditionally these bits aren't even read out in church.

I don't think we can blame Pope Francis, who, when he has finished rewriting the Lord's Prayer, is definitely expected to introduce that beautiful old Christmas hymn "We all like figgy pudding" into the liturgy for Christmas Day.

"And there came three snowmen unto Bethlehem..."

When asked what languages Jesus spoke, 80% of Independent staff said that, although of course He normally spoke in English (see the King James Bible for proof of this), he must also have understood Gaelic (the language of St Andrew), and probably also spoke whatever it is that Jews speak - probably Yiddish. Anyway, there's clearly no point praying to God (an obscure ritual that some traditional Catholics perform) in languages such as French and German, as HE WON'T UNDERSTAND YOU.

The journalists had heard of the Turin shroud, but most associated it with Alan Turing, the computer chappie, rather than Jesus. "Anyway, wherever Jesus's body is buried, He's probably still wearing the shroud."

Well, with this level of ignorance - and the Guardian is worse - we have a long way to go before we see surveys asking people to explain the Hermeneutic of Continuity, the difference between Modern Reformed Baptists and Reformed Modern Baptists, or the meaning of Eschatology. Let's start with something simpler, such as explaining the Gospels to Fr James Martin SJ.

Harry Houdini - a master of eschatology.

If it wasn't the Muslims, who was it?

The recent murders in Paris have brought out accusations and counter-accusations from the Left and Right: apparently it's the Right's fault for being fascist imperialists in the Middle East, while it's also the Left's fault for flooding Europe with bogus "refugees". And the Jews are probably to blame as well, because they always are.

One thing we can all agree on, is that it's nothing to do with Islam. Certainly not the late Jihad John, who has an alibi, taking swimming lessons in the Lake of Fire with Mohammed while the attacks were taking place.

JIhad John, or possible a woman in a burka.

Certainly, most Muslims are peace-loving people, who hold to the Koran's teachings of "Love thy neighbour", "Blessed are the peacemakers" and "Any infidel dog who denies the Name of the Prophet must be made to suffer, and it is the will of Allah that ye cut his head off seven times wherever ye find him" "Judge not, that ye be not judged". Indeed, most of their priests are members of the Society of Mohammed (the Mohammeduits), which basically means threatening the infidel with Mercy until they run away screaming (© Fr James Martin SJ). The fact that the attackers cried out "Ali Baba!" - which is Arabic for "God is great" - is purely a coincidence.

So, if it wasn't the Muslims, who was it?

The Mothers' Union?

Known to be an organization that welcomes aggressive old ladies, the Mothers' Union would have no difficulty in mounting a terrorist attack. A few years ago, they gave Tony Blair a rough ride, and he's the man who brought peace to the Middle East. I'll leave you to join the dots on this one...

As seen in the current James Bond film, the sinister organization SPECTATRE is another possible suspect. Its religious correspondent Damian Thompson has been talking in inflammatory terms of a Catholic civil war, blaming it on the bizarre actions of Pope Francis. The film SPECTATRE even features a sinister meeting in Rome, which is surely a reference to a certain recent synod. Hmm...

The Inland Revenue

Although well known in the UK as an organization that extorts money from hard-working people who wish to have nothing to do with it (cf. the Mafia in Italy), and indeed the prime suspect in several murder cases, the Inland Revenue does not normally engage in terrorist acts overseas. So for the moment we have to be open-minded about their involvement.

Look, I told you it was nothing to do with Muslims...

Are you being radicalised?

After the startling revelation that Jihadi John's real name is Mohammed Emwazi - and not George Galloway after all - we must each ask ourselves "COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME"?

Little Mo. Bad breath, not potty-trained until he was 15, ugly, but otherwise normal.

Little Mo was, by all accounts, a saintly boy who hardly ever pulled the wings off butterflies or stuck pins in frogs. However, all the other kids mocked him, and so it was natural for him to grow up to be a serial killer and sadist. Still, some say that his personality changed when he ran into a goal post - a clear sign that football can be a radicalising influence.

We have this tribute to Little Mo on the authority of CAGE, one of the few apologists for terrorists to have charitable status. As Lord Carlile so profoundly puts it, CAGE needs to make clear they reject murder. Apparently, this is something the Charity Commission insists on (except, arguably, in the case of the BPAS). Even the National Trust has decommissioned all its weapons of mass destruction.

CAGE fighting is not as glamorous as you might think.

So if CAGE could give us 4 minutes and 33 seconds of silence, it would be much appreciated. Permanent silence would be even better.

Now, are YOU being radicalised? Did your mother tell you to tidy your bedroom when you were a child? Did the girl/boy/camel you invited out to the pictures tell you that you were a boring toad smelling of urine? Did the bus-driver refuse to stop when he saw you? Did it rain yesterday? Do you think that Britain's foreign policy is a disaster (actually, this is a perfectly normal point of view)?

The Satanic State's Jihad Johnnie models a burka (don't ask why).

These are all danger signs. Are you thinking of changing your name to Crusading Chris, Fighting Freda, Warring Wally, or Holy Smoke Moly? (Of course you won't use the name Mohammed, as nobody will take you seriously.) Have you been looking up Ryanair flights to the Levant (nearest airport Beirut, then hitch a lift)?

Of course, this post is mainly addressed to our younger readers, especially the more stupid of them, but the "call" can come at any age. Even 80-year-old ladies have a role to play in the Satanic State, if they are vicious and sadistic enough. After all, murdering hostages doesn't require much skill or strength.

Hell's Grannies - Teresa, Michelle, Joan and Erica - head for the Middle East.

Now, if you feel you are being radicalised (what we used to call "p*ssed off with life"), we urge you to take it gently. Start by campaigning for a party that wants to turn Britain upside-down, such as the Greens, or Respect, or the Monster Raving Loonies. If this doesn't satisfy your radical ambitions, you could try studying the works of great thinkers such as Russell Brand, or Giles Fraser. Nothing too aggressive. Got that? Great.

Christians get ready to observe Ramadan

We are guided today by a brilliant observation from the Catholic Bishops of England and Wales:

Of course! The time has come to combine Ramadan and Lent into one great period of abstinence, to be called Ramalent, or Lentadan, or something. Rentalamb. Whatever. Maybe we can get the Jews on board too, and combine Lent with Yom Kippur as well. We've agreed to eat no bacon on Fridays - see how much common ground we have already? Crumbs! The Middle-East crisis is as good as solved, even without the efforts of Tony Blair!

A new-look Catholic cat.

For Christians, Lent is the time when Christ went into the desert and met the Devil - or, according to Giles Fraser, didn't meet the Devil. If only Matthew, Mark and Luke had been Guardian-readers they'd have known that such a thing was impossible! Mohammed of course did not meet the Devil, or even Giles Fraser, but his followers still recommend Ramadan as a period of fasting, at least until it gets dark, when Muslims can PARTY!

See? Muslims love liturgical dancing, just as Christians do!

Mgr Ronald Knox wrote a fine piece, Reunion all round, about the possible inclusion of Muslims, Jews, Atheists, etc. into the Church of England (where they would hardly be thought of as unusual). One of his best recommendations was that Muezzins should awake people in the morning by intoning simple, non-controversial messages from church towers, such as:

Early to bed, and early to rise,
Makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise!

"Mohammed said 'An apple a day keeps the doctor away.' Are you Catholics happy with that one?"

Indeed, other messages are possible. The Anglicans might wish to use the well-known statement of faith, which applies to every issue they discuss (it was first published in Private Eye, I think):

On the one hand...
On the other hand...
In a very real sense...

while the Catholics may simply shout out:

Who am I to judge?

One of Westminster's finest mosques (prop. Imam Nichols).

Anyway, these precise reforms are probably further down the line; although the Tablet, as usual, is in the vanguard, and is already tipping Jihad John as the next bishop of Arundel and Brighton. Meanwhile, we Christians can prepare for Ramadan with a clear conscience, knowing that we are now eligible for 72 virgins in Paradise (offer available to men only) as an alternative to an eternity in Abraham's bosom.

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 21

Continued from Chapter 20.

1. At this time, Richard was leading the fight against the Mohammedites.

2. And he asked the world, "Would it not be a good idea to beam erotic videos to theocracies?"

3. For he wished to shower the lands of Persia, Mesopotamia and Assyria with gentle woman-respecting eroticism, that they might change their ways and follow the path of atheism.

Gentle woman-respecting eroticism.

4. And the unenlightened folk mocked him, saying, "Oh, has he escaped again?" and "Why not send them sausages and bottles of gin, while you're at it?"

5. But Richard knew that he was right, and that the only way to convert the eastern lands was to show them forbidden flesh, such as the uncovered head of a woman.

6. For was it not the case that the warrior John, he whom they called Jihad, would have been able to serve the world as a humble stockbroker, had he been able to indulge in carnal delights involving another consenting adult?

A steamy scene from "Confessions of a Zoology Professor".

7. And many women came unto Richard, saying, "O Richard, let me star in an erotic video with you, but let it be gentle and woman-respecting!"

8. Thus, while he was considering their offers, Richard was elected "Clown of the Internet".

9. Indeed, he had reduced so many people to mirth, that he was given the ROFL prize and the LOL Award. After which he abandoned his plan to bring gentle woman-respecting eroticism to the Mohammedites.

LOL Award.

10. At that time there dwelt in Buxton a man called Dan Rhodes.

11. And this man wrote a story of Richard: his book was called When the Professor Got Stuck in the Snow.

12. Yet, there was no limit to the cruelty of Dan, for he mocked the learned professor, portraying him as arrogant and pompous. Thus there were those who said "Surely this Dan is simply telling it as it is?"

13. On the other hand, there were those who said "This is the biggest nonsense since The God Delusion."

Cruel words from Dan Rhodes.

14. Indeed, Dan showed none of the respect and deference that shineth through The book of St Richard, which ye are now reading.

15. Yet it was known that Richard was a defender of free speech (or even the speech that is paid for), and he did not hesitate to mock Christians, Muslims, or indeed anyone who disagreed with him.

16. So Dan spake unto Richard saying "Wilt thou permit me to publish this book, even though it maketh of you a stock that laughs? For my publishers are men whose nerves are made of spaghetti."

A laughing Stock.

17. But Richard replied not. So that men spake unto each other saying "Lo! He mocketh others, yet he suffereth not himself to be mocked."

18. And therefore they mocked Richard still more.

Continued in Chapter 22.

---

The book of St Richard started here.

Je suis Eccles

After the distressing events of this week, you may be unsure how to react. We suggest a few possibilities: which of these slogans is yours?

Je suis Charlie

Look, I know some people are going to find my views controversial here, but I really feel I should stick my neck out and say that I am not a fan of murdering journalists and cartoonists. I mean, I found one of the Alex comic strips in the Telegraph totally pathetic and unfunny - well, most of them, actually - but I didn't feel I had to kill someone. Call me a woolly liberal who jumps on whatever bandwagon is going, but that's just how I am. If my views have caused offence, I apologise.

Je suis Charlie.

Je ne suis pas Charlie / Je suis non Charlie / Je non suis Charlie pas / Suis-je Charlie / Qui suis-je / Je suis la plume de ma tante (depending on level of fluency in French)

Of course I don't think those guys should have been murdered. However, unlike them I don't think that throwing bricks at the gendarmes in the 1968 riots was a pretty neat trick, and I've actually seen some of the repulsive anti-Catholic cartoons that the Charlie Hebdo staff produced. So I don't identify with them either. Sigh... I'll explain this again, slowly...

Je suis Ian

Of course my own magazine, Private Parts, which was originally intended as a radical alternative to Punch, is now as much part of the establishment as I am (I hope you watch me on my show Haven't we got any jokes for you?) We don't do much satire in the Parts these days, although we occasionally slip in a joke about child abuse whenever the Catholic Church is in the news. So we shan't be publishing anything that might actually upset someone, or even make them laugh.

The voice of the establishment.

Je suis François

Franchement, je suis hors de mon depth here. Vive la France séculaire, with its même-sexe mariage, l'abortion and le bashing de religion. Eh bien, les Musulhommes are bienvenus en general, particulierement les Musulhommes séculaires. However, I've got trop de femme trouble at le moment, and apart from sending in les gendarmes with all guns blazing je n'ai pas de grande stratégie pour dealing with a crise.

Je suis Jihad Jean

Ever since the days when I used to pull the heads off my dolls, I have been a fan of senseless violence, and defending the reputation of the prophet Mohammed is obviously a cause close to my heart. Starting a bloodbath is the only way to make people appreciate that Muslims are essentially peace-loving people, almost indistinguishable from paid-up members of the Church of England. And when all this is over I'm coming back to England to train as an actuary.

A lecherous, foul-mouthed alcoholic religious figure. I hope this was not based on any particular prophet.

Je suis Tony

As a full-time internet troll in good standing, I will question your motives whatever your reaction to the week's events. If you say nothing I will say you don't care, and if you make a comment I'll say you're attention-seeking. To those people who claim "Je suis Eccles", this is evidence that Brother Eccles - who, my spies tell me, is really Fr Jennifer Eccles, the transgendered Dominican referred to in the previous post - is still using dozens of sockpuppets.