This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Saturday, 21 November 2015

"Christmas? Bah, humbug!" says Pope Francis

For Catholics at least, Christmas is cancelled this year, after Pope Francis declared that "Christmas is approaching: there will be lights, parties, Christmas trees and nativity scenes… it's all a charade. The world continues to go to war.

Pope scowling

Bah! Humbug!"

Of course the Holy Father has a point. This is the first time in 2015 (or so) years that the world has not enjoyed peace on earth at the end of the year. Remembering that God sent a Saviour to the world is a bit traddy really, and we should regard Christ as an irrelevance, and worry more about climate change and terrorism.

Pope Francis - always one to practise what he preaches - has decided to omit the usual Christmas Day Mass and Ubi et Orbi blessings. Given that he dislikes so many people he is finding it increasingly hard to issue blessings, anyway. Instead he intends to go into a dark room and sulk meditate - his meditations will later be published as a new encyclical Nolite Laetare or "Stop enjoying yourselves!"

Vatican tree

"And you can take away that stupid tree, as well."

Catholics involved in nativity plays over the festive season are asked to rewrite them to avoid all mention of Jesus, but instead to populate with them with earnest left-wing intellectuals making gloomy speeches about war, violence, and bloodshed.

Cardinal Marx

"Ho, ho, ho!" But the jolly white-bearded man dressed in red is not welcome this year!

Christmas carols will naturally be rewritten to make them as gloomy as possible, so we expect to hear songs such as: "Ding! Dong! Gloomily on high", "Get lost, all ye faithful", "Aaaaaghhh! The Herald angels sing" and "A plague on merry gentlemen".

So, following Pope Francis, we wish you all a really miserable and gloomy Christmas, and a disastrously painful new year. And take that smile off your faces.

Pope grinning

Only joking, folks!"


  1. Bless me Bruvver Eccles for this is my first post. Here in Scotland, being Calvinists or Jansenists we find Pope Francis a real blast and breath of fresh air! I dunno if you allow links, but here is an example of that up with which we have to put... God Bless!

  2. I don't think Carol will like you messing with some of her best compositions. They're still in copyright y'know

  3. New carols: may I suggest the reduced-carbon-footprint “I Saw One Ship Come Sailing In”, or the non-judgmental “Well Away From a Manger”. “In the Bleak Midwinter”, however, has been okayed following a gritty re-write by Jimmy McGovern: Silent Night meets Trainspotting.

  4. "Corbyn all ye faithful'
    "The Holly and the Isis"
    "I'm dreaming of a multi-cultural rainbow," The Dolan Sisters
    ""Ding Dong Merrily on High" by the Gay Male(ish) Voice Choir

  5. Cardinals Marx and Kasper won't like any attempts to neutralize Christmas - the Germans practically invented the modern secular variety in the 19th century, after all, even if they had to pinch much of it from the pagans. (The English needed their help because Oliver Cromwell's Thought Police, and before that the Reformation, had just about put paid to the old medieval Feast.)