This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Saturday, 7 January 2017

Synod to decide what 2+2 is

Following a violent disagreement in the Vatican about what exactly 2+2 adds up to, Pope Francis has decided to call an Extraordinary Synod to help define (or more probably, "develop") Catholic doctrine on the subject.

Spadaro 2+2 tweet

#Father #Spadaro makes #a #hash of his #arithmetic. Now, about that expenses claim, Father...

Of course, this is not a new question. The famous "Kasper proposal" was that 1+1+1 should equal 2, at least in the context of marriage, provided the numbers had been properly accompanied and allowed to discern that their consciences were really telling them to do whatever they pleased.

Four (or was it five?) cardinals, including Raymond Burke, have already entered the debate, proposing five or six dubia for the Pope to answer:

1. What is 2+2? Is the doctrine expressed in Pope Henry IV part 2's encyclical Numerorum Morsus ("Number crunching") that 2+2 equals 4 still valid?

underground sign

A subtle attempt to persuade the faithful of Westminster.

2. If a hen and a half lays an egg and a half in a day and a half, how long would it take a hen to lay ten and a half eggs?

3. How many beans make five?

4. Antonio Spadaro can dig a pit in six hours, Blase Cupich takes twelve, and Joe Tobin takes eighteen. How long would it take them together to dig a pit large enough to bury them all? Can we try it?

5. What is 10+10? Is it 100 or 101? (Sorry, the pope doesn't answer binary questions.)

6. How long, O Lord, how long?

Spadaro and 4 fingers

"How many fingers am I holding up? Yes, five."

Pope Francis has reacted furiously, and is said to be boiling with rage and questioning the mental health of anyone who asks for clarification about the new Catholic arithmetic. Having failed with his recent attempt to invade Malta in order to get his own back at Cardinal Burke obtain justice for the sacked health minister Albrecht von Lagerlout, the pope is seriously considering a nuclear strike on the USA, in the hope of annoying both Trump and Burke.

Meanwhile, here is the EcclespollTM prediction of the result of the Synod on 2+2.

60%: the answer is 5 (merciful, liberated Catholics).
20%: the answer is anything you want it to be (Jesuits).
19%: the answer is 4 (nasty, rigid, traditional Satanically-inspired Catholics).
1%: DRINK!

Fr Jack

Probably the only reasonable reaction to Fr Spadaro.


  1. In an attempt to be precise (or rigid?) it is clear that only FOUR fingers are being held up. The thumb cannot be seen but even so it is not a finger. Perhaps it cannot be seen because he does not have a thumb?

    1. The 4 fingers are being held Down. The thumb, which cannot be seen, might be sticking up, requires a dicussion regarding categories to discern if it can be called a 'finger'. (With Jesuits you gotta count your fingers in these sort of encounters - watch out for hand shakes!)) /s(n)arc

    2. It's a still from the movie. He had just been sticking up two.

  2. We all look forward (with great trepidation) to the latest "explanation", "deviation", "propagation", of THE TRINITY.

    No, it's NOT three !!!

  3. Surely the Kasper proposal was that, in the context of marriage, 1+1+n=2?

  4. Nah, he's just doing "Incy Wincy Spider . . .", part of the Children's liturgy.

  5. If only we could get an exorcist to stand outside the Vatican and pray the exorcism prayers. He could clear the place out in pretty short order.
    We need to come up with a word that describes people who have to stand by and watch as their faith is being dismantled right in front of them. I have run out of adjectives and none of them work anymore.

  6. A nuclear strike on the USA? But has not Pope Francis specifically told us in his speech to the Curia that the reforms of the Vatican Bank mean that it will no longer be involved in money laundering, terrorism and the proliferation of nuclear weapons. I suppose though it would be a cheap way of getting rid of their existing stockpile of ICBMs in the cellars of the Castel San Angelo. See:

    - With the Motu Proprio of 8 August 2013, the Holy See’s Financial Security Committee was established, for the prevention and countering of money laundering, the financing of terrorism and the proliferation of weapons of mass destruction. This was to bring the IOR and the entire Vatican economic system to the regular adoption of, and fully committed and diligent compliance with, all international legal norms on financial transparency.[35]

  7. AND, as for THE BOOK OF NUMBERS ! !

    1. That one needs certain adjustments indeed, but, I'd be more concerned about which Gospel will become the canonical fifth.

  8. But in the real life of transnumbers, what if one of the numbers wants to identify as something it is not? 2 = 2 would then not always be 5. If one of those 2s identifies as, say, 17, and the other one identifies as 9, then 2 = 2 in that particular case would not be 5 anymore.

    1. I can't fail to notice your plus key identifies as an equal key.
      Communism, I mean, liberation theology, is spreading on your keyboard. Replace it before every post of yours morphs into a Francis high altitude speech.

  9. (Excerpt from Pope Trek The Next Generation)

    The prisoner got unshackled.
    The Master Theologian said: "There is no more need to restrain you, for we have put a little implant in your head that blasts Paul Inwood's selected tunes through your auditory nerve..." and pressed a button.
    CHCHCHCH!!! The prisoner dropped to the floor holding his head:
    - "AAAGHHH!... This... This is against the Geneva convention!!!".
    - "Don't you dare criticize Novus Ordo hymns, you fool. You have already been caught kneeling when receiving the host, your soul hangs by a thread. But we are here to help. Tell me, how many lights do you see, right beyond me?"
    -"Uh? Well... four lights"
    -"What the fu... the HELL!?" (panting)
    -"Fool, there are FIVE lights!"
    -"B-but, there are two on your right... and two on your left!"
    -"Exactly, fool, so the answer is FIVE. Let's try again, how many lights are there?".
    The prisoner looked right in the torturer's eyes:
    "THERE... ARE... FOUR... LIGHTS!"
    - "You traddies never learn!"

    To be continued (hopefully not).

  10. With the next Pope there will be no more use of numbers at all.Numbers are a bit rigid...

  11. Come now, simply say what that Roman fella said once along time ago... You know. "What is truth"?

  12. Vat Spidoro bloke 'as poofy 'ands! Vat's wot I sez!

    Farver Frank+

  13. Do you know I have sat down and examined 2 + 2 in every conceivable way so that I can come up with another answer apart from 4. It still always comes up as 4. I blame those Sacred Heart nuns giving me the wrong information.

    I hope all the parishes are being issued with the
    new Catholic maths. I am taking an online course.

  14. 2+2=5?
    How's that reform of vatican finances going?

    - Sisu