This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Friday, 18 December 2015

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 23

Continued from Chapter 22

1. And lo! Christmas was approaching once more, the season of peace on Earth to people of good will (and maybe some others, too).

2. But Richard was still in those days an unsaved person, and he spake forth, saying "Bah! Humbug!" Or sometimes (for a change) "Bah! Jellybaby!" in homage to Tom Baker, he who had been married to Romana.

Dawkins and tree

Richard displayeth a biological specimen in his living-room.

3. And behold, he went on the attack with a brilliantly-crafted tweet, saying "There are people who believe Jesus turned water into wine. How do they hold down a job in the 21st century?"

4. For he reasoned that the butcher, the baker, the candlestick-maker, and the professor of biology could not do their jobs adequately if they believed in an omnipotent creator.

5. For would they not inevitably produce bad sausages, or bad bread, or bad candles, or bad lectures, if they were men of faith?

6. Therefore, Richard, being of a scientific mind, decided to test the miracles of Our Lord, by showing that they were impossible.

7. Thus he gave a great dinner party, and served unto his guests water, poured from old wine bottles, saying "Marvel ye, this is the finest wine!"

8. And his guests tapped their heads and said to themselves, "Let us humour the old coot, lest he biteth someone." Thus they spake out, praising the water as if it were vintage claret.

Gates and water

William of Gates praiseth the Chateau D'Ocquins wine.

9. Then Richard began to show the impossibility of many other miracles.

10. He invited five thousand members of Oxford University to dinner and fed them on five loaves and two small fishes. They became exceeding wrathful, and telephoned for five thousand pizzas.

11. Then one of his keener disciples was moved to cut off the ear of a policeman, that his master might restore it. The case cometh up next week.

12. After this, Richard walked on the Sea of Galilee, and was rescued by the fishermen.

Dawkins paddles

The miracle of Dawkins almost walking on water.

13. And there were many other miracles that Richard failed to do. Thus he was convinced that nobody could do them. "Well, it would be a miracle if they could!" he said.

14. Now, at about this time men spake of Mother Teresa, she who had spent a lifetime in good works, and was evidently a saved person.

15. And the Pope, he who was called Francis the Merciful, told the world that Teresa's acts of healing had continued, and that she was to be recognised as a saint.

16. And Richard was exceeding wrathful, describing Teresa as "over-rated" and her followers as "gullible".

Mother Teresa

An ignorant woman who knew little of selfish genes.

17. For had not he devoted his own life to good deeds, namely screaming at people of faith? And had not he performed miracles, in persuading people to buy his trashy books? But, as yet, few spake of Richard as a saint.

18. "Woe!" he cried. "It is not fair!" And again he cried, saying "Boo hoo!"

19. For Richard was angry that a Church to which he did not belong should dare to honour one of its own members without consulting him first.

Continued in Chapter 24.


  1. You couldn't make this up, could you !!!

  2. He was bad enough when he was Stephen Hawkins, but the visit to Lourdes changed not only his state of health but his name as well.
    It was not enough that he had changed from Steve to Dick, he wanted to be the Head Dick. It can be argued that in this quest he sought the ear of the Law (Eccles, Ch 23, (11), 2015).
    In the event he became the leader of a group similar minded scientists, the Ilex aquifolium (Common Holly,(eng.): an evergreen bunch of pricks with berries).
    Dick's only concern was that if he was right, and died, he would never know it. Conversely - if he were wrong - he was in a rather awkward place from where even St Corbyn could not save him

  3. He isn't walking on water, he's ordering the tide not to come in, having missed the point of the Cnut anecdote as well.

    Quaeritur: why do strident atheists (Polly Toynbee is another such) object so violently to manifestations of Christianity but positively glory in manifestations of paganism, viz. the Christmas Tree?

  4. I'm with Charles Dawson on this. Outside of my house here in Western Australia there are many decorated houses all with brilliant lights depicting Santa Claus and little gnomes and sparkling fairies, but there are no cribs.

    1. You won't find many people gullible enough to believe the Nativity Myth nowadays. Civilisation 21st Century-style is far too advanced to give any credence to a totally uncorroborated tale from a time when Reuters and the BBC hadn't even been founded.

      On the other hand, fairies are everywhere to be seen (not just at the end of most people's gardens), the Swiss banking sector wouldn't be what it is today without the gnomes and just who ate all the (mince) pies if not the big-boned bloke decked out in red and white?

    2. To be fair, Blotto, from my window I can see the Fishguard to Ireland Ferry sail every day. So I really do have Ferries at the bottom of my garden

    3. When summer comes, I fully intend to listen to some Beethoven in my 16ft of green space. I'll have Für Elise at the end of my garden.

      To be honest, I'd be quite happy if the fairies stayed away from my humble abode.

  5. To be serious, why does what we believe in, worry non-believers?
    By the same token I don't have a problem with Santa Clause and Elfs & Safety.

    1. Because to concede even the possibility that we might be right would be a very uncomfortable thought for them.

      Note that the Great Dick styles himself an "agnostic" and is on record as saying that there "probably" isn't a God. Talk about covering your own bets while encouraging others in total denial!

    2. You're right of course, Charles.

      Reminds me of Napoleon who was a, 'Muslim when I was in Egypt' and a 'Christian when in Paris' and kidnapped the Pope to prove just how Christian he was.

  6. We should pray to Mother Teresa for the miracle of healing Richard Dawkins of his mentally debilitating atheistic unbelief caused by his own gullibility of falling hook line and sinker for Satan's lies against the existence of God.

  7. Contemporary Egyptian playwright Ali Salem has just written a new drama about Darkins entitled "Richard the Loonheart" soon showing at the Dummer Warehouse, London.

  8. Well, ole Darkins has been feeding his followers with tales that are live lies and too fishy with only one scrap left over as the basket case.

  9. I see that Lord Sir Richard of the Dawkins' real first name (I dare not say 'Christian' name) is Clinton.

    Well at least his parents had a sense of humour even if he doesn't.

    1. Perhaps we should mark his feast day by in his honour stopping any good action which we do for a religious motive. He and his cohorts could supply the deficiency.