This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Monday, 28 December 2015

Catholics told they need no longer aim for Heaven

In a ruling that will come as a great relief to many Catholics, Pope Francis has used his latest interview with Eugenio Scalfari (or "Scalfie") to explain that they no longer need to aim for Heaven if they don't want to.


Up or down? Now you have a choice.

As Pope Francis explained, "A lot of Catholics try to obey the Church's laws because they hope (ultimately) to end up in Heaven, which is traditionally regarded as quite a nice place. But there is also plenty of space in Hell, if you don't mind the German theologians reserving the sun-loungers. So if you're finding the path of righteousness a bit difficult to follow, well, don't worry, there are other possibilities!"

A spokesman for Satan, who refused to give his name but is believed to be a German cardinal, added: "The Holy Father is perfectly correct in what he says. In Hell there is never any 'test' or 'exam' you have to pass - getting in is as easy as getting onto a university course in Gender Studies, and with as great a sense of achievement."

The Pope's ruling has greatly simplified the question whether, for example, people in adulterous relationships can take Communion. They can go ahead, provided that the presiding priest doesn't interfere, and nobody will say anything until they die.

spurious selfie

The Pope takes part in a "Scalfie"

UPDATE: it seems that after all the Pope's alleged "Scalfie" was not genuine. You'll have to behave yourself after all.


  1. As long as you have Heaven's postcode, your SatNav should get you there. Mind you, it might take you along the back roads, which can be a bit of a purgatory. It can be Hell without one.

    PS When I signed up for this Open University course, you never mentioned Gender Studies

  2. Dear Eccles,

    Thank you for this update on the Vatican's latest Actions.

    Whilst writing to you, may I ask if you (who always knows these things) have any "insider info" on the machinations already afoot for the next "Synod" ?

    There are reports of certain Prelates disappearing all over Europe and allegedly being seen in Downtown Cafes in Switzerland huddled over Coffee and Cakes.

    I find this hard to believe.

  3. If they are huddled over coffees, they are almost certainly drafting new eucharistic prayers based on poor historical research and wishful thinking!

  4. Dear Eccles,

    Good to know this after the many trials of the Christmas season.

  5. I got a pair of roller skates from my probation officer for Christmas (they're blue with red trim). Once I've mastered the combined arts of tying them correctly and then standing upright, I fully intend to get to heaven even quicker .....probably by failing to stop at the kerb at the end of a long downhill stretch.

    1. I think that you must have ben watching that priest from the Phillipines who cruised around his congregation crooning to them whilst he glided hither and thither on his new hoverboard.

    2. Even with him on his hoverboard, now that I've got roller skates, it shouldn't be too difficult for me to tag alog.