This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Monday, 24 October 2016

Don't mention your faith!

Following Pope Francis's advice to a girl that she should avoid convincing people of her faith, the Holy Father has asked me to clarify this instruction.

Pope Francis himself has of course given strong leadership in this direction, by showing himself to be much happier in the company of Lutherans and Anglicans than with ordinary Catholics. Indeed, it seems that for some people the question "Is the Pope Catholic?" is no longer rhetorical. This is what we call ecumenism, and goes well with the Biblical instruction "Seek ye out a bushel, that ye may hide your light under it" (The Sermon in a cave under the Mount, Matthew 5, etc.)

Dolan, Clinton, Trump

"They say she's the anti-Christ, but, hey! That's just fine by me!"

Well, you see the problem above. If you tell people that you're a Catholic Cardinal - as so many of my readers are - then they're going to think that you're interested in God. And that will OFFEND people. It is a very grave sin to challenge other people's beliefs. Ask Pope Francis!

So the answer is to hide your light under a bushel. Pretend you're a Jesuit - nobody thinks of them as religious - or, in any case, keep quiet about your religious beliefs.

Vincent Nichols the Hindu

"You will forget that you were ever a Catholic..."

Of course the way of the truly ecumenical is not easy. When we come to celebrate the Reformation, you must forget everything you read about Thomas More, John Fisher, and other trouble-makers. Instead, wear a seraphic smile on your face, and say "We can all learn from other people's beliefs, man, but they mustn't learn from mine."

Ravasi tweet

Cardinal Ravasi leads the way in touchy-feelie hippyism. The answer is 42, by the way.

So, avoid people who preach controversial doctrines, such as Heaven, Hell, judgement, sin, and redemption. That dreadful man Cardinal Sarah, for example - he actually talks as if he believes in something! Far better to have a Kewpich-doll as as your spiritual adviser - there's no danger of any dogmatic teaching creeping in and causing upsets!

kewpie doll

Cardinal Blase Kewpie.


  1. Brilliant. I just love it. Thanks for keeping us sane.

  2. Maybe this is a cunning plan. The Bishop of Rome is saying if anyone asks you about your faith, you reply that they are not allowed to know. This means that the faith will become more mysterious and exciting and bring people flooding back. Very Jesuitical.

  3. Kewpie doll, huh. Well... as long as it's not a golden calf, I'm sure you're right. Cheerio!!