This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Friday, 7 October 2016

Anglicans and Catholics agree to unite

Following very friendly discussions between Pope Francis and Justin Welby, Archbishop of Canterbury, it has been decided that the time has come for the Anglicans and Catholics to recognise that there are no real differences between them, and so to re-unite.

Pope and Welby

"That's agreed then. You take Tina Beattie off our hands, and we'll take Giles Fraser."

Initially, the joint statement from the pope and archbishop was going to be an admission of defeat, namely:

1. We promise to stop burning and beheading each other 
from now on.
2. We shall carry on disagreeing about almost everything.
3. Er...
4. That's it. How about a cup of tea?

An early attempt at Catholic-Protestant dialogue.

However, a deeper search for possible common ground revealed the following points of agreement:

1. Some Catholics think women should be ordained. 
So do some Anglicans.

2. Some Catholics are happy with same-sex marriage, 
including for priests. So are some Anglicans.

3. Some Catholics are atheists. So are some Anglicans.

4. Some Catholics are fine with abortion. 
So are some Anglicans.

5. Some Catholics are demented lunatics with no 
moral principles whatsoever. So are some Anglicans.
Pope and Welby

"So you'll wear the white vestments this week, and then next week it's my turn."

As for the liturgical differences that some commentators thought an insuperable barrier to union... well, clown masses, bad vestments, puppets, skateboards, communion in plastic cups, hymns that sound like bad pop songs, children sitting on the altar, balloons, masses where pets are invited, and fancy dress... are all welcome in any church. Or so it seems.

balloon mass

"Just remind me. Am I a Catholic, a Protestant, or a family entertainer?

So that's all right, then.


  1. Good to see everything is fine and dandy before the big beano with the Lutherans.

  2. Am I a Catholic, a Protestant, or a family entertainer?

    Why not all three? Why should we HAVE to decide?

  3. You couldn't make it up, could you !!!

    Will The BBC give wall-to-wall coverage of The Pope's Beano with The Lutherans ?

    Will Tina Beattie be the Commentator for the above ?

    Will Vince stand for the UKIP Leadership ?

  4. What about us Promethean Neo-Pelagians?

  5. In the US "Beano" is an over the counter drug taken to relieve flatulence.
    I take it the word means the same in the UK?
    So this has something to do with the Pope and Lutherans sharing a plate of brats and saurkraut to celebrate Halloween? (Oh, sorry, I should say celebrate Samhain, don't want to leave out the pagans. They probably like cabbage too.)
    Save the Liturgy, Save the World!

    1. No. Beano is a knees up, or the home of Dennis the Menace and Roger the Dodger (as opposed to the Dandy, home of Desperate Dan). We can expect a guest appearance by the Numskulls at the Lutherans' bash.
      Flatulence remedies are the stuff of stand up comics. There might be some of them there, too.

  6. Nice to see His Holiness and the Archbishop shaking hands. I would like to think Welby is saying " Look Pope Francis, the reformation was a terrible mistake and I would like to apologize for Henry V111 .We are now prepared to return all the real estate we stole from you plus the artifacts.