Believers of every religion unite!

Pope Francis: I would like to remind you that on 14 May, believers of every religion are invited to unite themselves spiritually in a day of prayer, fasting and works of charity, to implore God to help humanity overcome the coronavirus pandemic.

And what a response we're seeing. Not many Catholics, admittedly, as when Pope Francis asks them to do something, they will usually do the opposite. So it's a holiday from prayer, a time to feast like Cardinal Dolan, and we shall see no works of charity - the sick, the poor, and those in trouble can jolly well take care of themselves for a day.

But other religions are not so stubborn.

May Prince Philip save us from the virus!

Jim, of the Yaohnanen tribe of Vanuatu (formerly New Scunthorpe) is in no doubt that his God Prince Philip, although not recognised by the Catholic Church, will come to his aid and drive his mighty four-wheeled chariot over the demon Flu Manchu. Eccles: They're not cannibals, are they? Editor: No, although they sometimes have their relations for dinner. Jim is very impressed by Pope Francis's ecumenical outreach, although obviously for him there is no god but Philip.

And now hymn number 44, "Give me your heart tonight."

Massimo, a leading Aztec theologian, is also very enthusiastic about the Pope's call to prayer, and he has sharpened his knife specially for the occasion. "Now is a time for all believers to come together," he says. "There are only minor theological differences between us, and these should not stop us from seeing the common ground. After all, even the Anglicans are also taking part, and they don't believe anything at all."

May Pachamama protect us.

Lastly, we spoke to Shaman Austen of the cult of Pachamama. "If the Pope were not a Catholic, then I am sure that he would enter into full membership of our church," he explained. "Like him, we are South American in origin, sceptical about some of the claims of Christianity, and fascinated by the way that Mother Earth is suffering from carbon footprints, plastic straws, and the eternally youthful Greta Garbage of Sweden."

So there we have it. Get praying - it doesn't matter which God you choose, so why not try a different one just for a change? All praise be to ... please fill in as necessary!

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Late news: Brentwood leads the way. What a fine collection of idols!

Where's Alexander Tschugguel when you need him?

Don't mention your faith!

Following Pope Francis's advice to a girl that she should avoid convincing people of her faith, the Holy Father has asked me to clarify this instruction.

Pope Francis himself has of course given strong leadership in this direction, by showing himself to be much happier in the company of Lutherans and Anglicans than with ordinary Catholics. Indeed, it seems that for some people the question "Is the Pope Catholic?" is no longer rhetorical. This is what we call ecumenism, and goes well with the Biblical instruction "Seek ye out a bushel, that ye may hide your light under it" (The Sermon in a cave under the Mount, Matthew 5, etc.)

"They say she's the anti-Christ, but, hey! That's just fine by me!"

Well, you see the problem above. If you tell people that you're a Catholic Cardinal - as so many of my readers are - then they're going to think that you're interested in God. And that will OFFEND people. It is a very grave sin to challenge other people's beliefs. Ask Pope Francis!

So the answer is to hide your light under a bushel. Pretend you're a Jesuit - nobody thinks of them as religious - or, in any case, keep quiet about your religious beliefs.

"You will forget that you were ever a Catholic..."

Of course the way of the truly ecumenical is not easy. When we come to celebrate the Reformation, you must forget everything you read about Thomas More, John Fisher, and other trouble-makers. Instead, wear a seraphic smile on your face, and say "We can all learn from other people's beliefs, man, but they mustn't learn from mine."

Cardinal Ravasi leads the way in touchy-feelie hippyism. The answer is 42, by the way.

So, avoid people who preach controversial doctrines, such as Heaven, Hell, judgement, sin, and redemption. That dreadful man Cardinal Sarah, for example - he actually talks as if he believes in something! Far better to have a Kewpich-doll as as your spiritual adviser - there's no danger of any dogmatic teaching creeping in and causing upsets!

Cardinal Blase Kewpie.

Anglicans and Catholics agree to unite

Following very friendly discussions between Pope Francis and Justin Welby, Archbishop of Canterbury, it has been decided that the time has come for the Anglicans and Catholics to recognise that there are no real differences between them, and so to re-unite.

"That's agreed then. You take Tina Beattie off our hands, and we'll take Giles Fraser."

Initially, the joint statement from the pope and archbishop was going to be an admission of defeat, namely:

1. We promise to stop burning and beheading each other 
from now on.
2. We shall carry on disagreeing about almost everything.
3. Er...
4. That's it. How about a cup of tea?

An early attempt at Catholic-Protestant dialogue.

However, a deeper search for possible common ground revealed the following points of agreement:

1. Some Catholics think women should be ordained. 
So do some Anglicans.

2. Some Catholics are happy with same-sex marriage, 
including for priests. So are some Anglicans.

3. Some Catholics are atheists. So are some Anglicans.

4. Some Catholics are fine with abortion. 
So are some Anglicans.

5. Some Catholics are demented lunatics with no 
moral principles whatsoever. So are some Anglicans.

"So you'll wear the white vestments this week, and then next week it's my turn."

As for the liturgical differences that some commentators thought an insuperable barrier to union... well, clown masses, bad vestments, puppets, skateboards, communion in plastic cups, hymns that sound like bad pop songs, children sitting on the altar, balloons, masses where pets are invited, and fancy dress... are all welcome in any church. Or so it seems.

"Just remind me. Am I a Catholic, a Protestant, or a family entertainer?

So that's all right, then.

Catholic thanksgiving prayers for the Reformation

Following the issue of joint Catholic-Lutheran prayers of thanksgiving for the Reformation, we are pleased to publish further prayers along these lines, including some that are better adapted to use by the Catholic Church in England and Wales.

O Lord our Governor,
But not Supreme Governor, as that's the Queen,
We thank You for the life of King Henry VIII;
For his inspiring model as a loving King and Husband,
Divorced, Beheaded, Died, Divorced, Beheaded, Survived:
May we all aspire to such an achievement.

All Catholics venerate this man.

We give thanks for the martrydom of St Thomas More,
Who probably enjoyed the experience.
And the same goes for St John Fisher.
Also for the dissolution of the monasteries,
Which encouraged the monks to die off, or to get proper jobs.
An act that gave us so many charming National Trust properties 
   to visit,
When we have nothing to do on Sundays.

Cardinal Koch with a new disposable edition of the Bible.

In a spirit of ecumenism, we also give thanks for the mass slaughter,
Given to us by thy servants,
Edward VI, Mary I and Elizabeth I,
For the wonder that was the Tudors, if You'll excuse the pun.
Although in those days they didn't realise than burning people
Might lead to climate change.
Still, they knew that they were doing Your will
By killing off all the people who actually believed in something.
A policy not needed these days, at least not in Europe!

Martin Luther - founder of modern Catholicism.

We also give thanks for the wisdom of Martin Luther.
He had many good qualities, not least a really cool hat.
Also when he called the Pope a "pompous toad with smelly feet",
He was merely leading the way to modern theological debate.
You should hear what they say about Pope Francis,
Although, being God, You may already know.
Well, there You are then!

Thank God for the Congregation of the Doctrine of the Faith!

Finally we give thanks for the effects of the Reformation 
   throughout Europe.
Many were driven into exile or were blessed with martyrdom;
Which can't be bad, can it?
And, as the Anglican Communion falls apart before our eyes,
We pray for new schisms. 
BLOOD! CUT! KILL! SLAUGHTER!
Although please spare comedians such as Giles Fraser.
Amen.

Two Catholic priests discuss the new prayers.