The 4th secret of Fatima

The story of the three Portuguese children, Lúcia Santos and her cousins Jacinta and Francisco Marto, who saw the Virgin Mary in 1917, and were entrusted with three secrets, is well known. What is less known is the story of another cousin, Ecclesão, who left the group before they became famous.

Why is Ecclesão always omitted from the Fatima records?

Ecclesão always claimed that Mary entrusted him with the fourth - and most significant - prediction, which would come to pass exactly 100 years later. According to his account, the message went as follows:

"Now, Ecclesão, pay attention, as I have an important warning to deliver to you. Stop scratching, and put that phone away - you won't get a signal for another 100 years anyway.

There will come a time when the Church has two popes living - one aged 90, who will be called Benedictus (blessed), and one aged 80 who will be called Franciscus. The older man will spend his declining years in prayer and beer-drinking, a just reward for a life of holiness. Beware the younger man, for he will reject the teaching of his forefathers, even the present Pope, Benedict XV.

The evil one tempted him, and he did read the words of Beattie and Küng.

There will be many and diverse quarrels in the Church at that time. Franciscus will prowl like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. There will come a man from the New World who will ask five questions of Franciscus, and what do you think he will reply?"

Ecclesão: No, yes, yes, yes, yes?

"Nice try, Ecclesão, but no coconut [editor's note: this is an untranslatable Portuguese idiom]. Nay, Franciscus will remain silent - at least when it comes to answering the five questions, although he will plot against the man from the New World, and he will let it be known privily that the answers are in fact 'Yes, no, no, no, no', although he will not dare say so in public.

And the Lord shall smite the ungodly one, though he be a Jesuit.

Look towards the Sovereign Order of Malta, Ecclesão, and see the damage wrought. The holy men of the order will distribute engines to prevent the conception of children, and their grandmaster will essay to stop them. But Franciscus will take over the Sovereign Order and seek to appoint a new grandmaster. Yeah, he will even attempt to ban their grandmaster from Rome, although he will soon discover that he hath no such power.

Ecclesão: This is pretty ghastly, isn't it? Can I go now?

Do not interrupt, Ecclesão. This is the story of end times. In 100 years from now the Church must make a decision. Will it persuade Franciscus to take a humble pension, and retire to Dunrantin, the home that is prepared for him? If so, then there may come a man of dark skin with the name of a girl, who will succeed Franciscus in the Chair of Peter and restore true teaching. Or will Franciscus continue to rage, until the time cometh when a man of the Eastern Philippians, who already seeketh supreme power, will be ready to bring destruction upon the Church?

Ecclesão: it's enough to drive you into the arms of the Anglicans, isn't it?

At this point the Virgin Mary laughed heartily and disappeared.

Asparagus with Worcester sauce - Ecclesão is shown a strange vision of the future.

[Editor's note: of course it's possible that naughty Ecclesão made the whole thing up.]

Fra' Matthew Festing seen in Rome

As most readers will know, Pope Francis commanded Fra' Matthew Festing, deposed Grand Master of the Sovereign Order of Malta, to stay away from Rome during the election of a new Grand Master. This of course is a perfectly reasonable command, and not at all the action of a man who gets over-excited by absolute power. The reason given - inasmuch as the Pope actually gives explicit reasons, rather than hinting something to Ivereigh the odd-job man, who tells Fr Spadaro, who leaks it to the press - is that Fra' Matthew might try and influence the election - e.g., by winning it.

Other places that Festing is asked to avoid this month are:

• Croydon,
• Corby,
• Malta,

and in addition he is forbidden to visit his Auntie Doris in Margate. Although the Pope does not have supreme authority over Rome (or Croydon/Corby/Malta/Margate etc.), this does not deter him from telling Catholics whether they may go there.

Where's Festing? If you spot Fra' Matthew, tell the Pope and you will be made a cardinal!

Thus, rumours are going round Rome that Fra' Matthew may be in Rome, but in disguise. One commentator has even suggested an invisibility cloak.

The search for Festing is complicated by the fact that thousands of his fans have descended on Rome, wearing red uniforms and claiming to be the man sought by the Pope.

"Fooled you!" A Festing lookalike confesses to Pope Francis that he is really Spartacus.

Conspiracy theorists may also wish to take note that at the recent celebrations of Pope Benedict's 90th birthday, the main refreshment on offer was Boeselager (or in English, booze-lager), a drink named after Festing's former deputy.

"Good disguise, Fra' Matthew!"

If you live in Rome, do remember to check your cupboards, under the bed, and your garden shed, just in case a persecuted ex-Grand Master is hiding there. And will mischievous people please stop telephoning the Vatican and saying "Hi, Matthew Festing here. I happen to be in town. Fancy doing lunch, Holy Father?" It is not funny.

The Book of Brexodus, Chapter 9

Continued from Chapter 8

1. Many months ago, O Theophilus, I told of the bloody fighting between the children of Bri-tain as some of them strove to flee from the land of EU-gypt.

2. But let us now tell of the wondrous deeds that followed.

Cam-aaron and May-sis (renamed).

3. After many debates and votes, in which the wisest people in the land the members of parliament took part, it was decided that May-sis should trigger the 50th article, in order to cast down the Tusks and Junckers from their mighty seats.

4. And there was a great grayling and gnashing of tusks from the deepest thinkers of the land, they that sat in the New College of the Inanities.

5. "Alas, the people have voted the wrong way," said the deep thinkers. "We must have another election, in which the voices of the Leavites are silent!"

Try and be philosophical, Anthony!

6. Still, the Day of the Trigger came, and May-sis and her advisers began to speak with the Pharaoh Juncker. For they knew that within forty years they must reach an agreement on the movement of camels carrying spices, gold, and precious stones.

7. But the people cried out, saying, "We want an election, for thou hast done away with Cam-aaron the High Priest, and we did not choose thee!"

8. But May-sis said, "No."

9. And again the people cried out, saying "Thou art a chicken!"

10. And May-sis clucked, "No."

11. And again the people cried out, saying, "Give unto us an election, that we may see a dazzling array of talent presented to us on the screen that is called Idiot-Box. Yeah, the Ukipites led by whoever-it-is-this-week, the Corbynites, the Libdemites of Farron, the Nationalites who worship a sturgeon, the magical Greenites who leave no footprints of carbon, and best of all the Monster Raving Loonites.

A threat to May-sis.

12. And finally May-sis said "Oh, all right, the people may have their election."

13. And the people cried with one voice, "How cynical is May-sis, that she exploiteth the weakness of the Corbynites in such a manner. She seeketh a majority, and this is not seemly conduct for a prime minister."

14. However it was written in the ancient laws of Cam-aaron that May-sis could not call an election, unless the Corbynites voted to cut their own throats. Which they did.

15. At least, those are the words of the prophets, Comres, Mori, and Yougov. In my next chapter, O Theophilus, I shall reveal whether these prophecies came to pass.

To be continued.

Be nice to atheists at Easter

For once, an ecumenical post - no digs at Anglicans, Lutherans, Orthodox, etc. Not even Fr James Martin SJ. We're all in this together, folks.

Twitter is not the world - there are rumours that those things walking down the street are also human. If you prick them, do they not bleed? If you tickle them, do they not laugh? If you poison them, do they not die? (If you get into trouble testing this theory, I accept no responsibility.) Still, if the real world is anything like Twitter, there are a lot of very unhappy atheists wandering around at present.

An intellectual giant among atheists, seen in happier times.

The problem is, that there are two big celebrations going on this week:

1. Jesus Christ rising from the dead. Mankind redeemed. Life suddenly has a meaning.

or

2. Bunny rabbits. Chocolate eggs. Er, that's it. This is what my life has been leading up to.

So if you're stuck at party (2) and you see people at party (1). What do you do? Why you get cross and say things like:

Of course Jesus never existed. Or, if he did exist, his message was "Enjoy yourselves, folks" and he was probably an atheist. Nah nah nah, you never see accounts of the Resurrection written by people who said it didn't happen! Children are brainwashed. Tee, hee, hee, why shouldn't I choose Thor or the (ho, ho, ho) flying spaghetti monster instead?

This is the real alternative to Christianity, but it may be tactless to mention it.

I love that last argument. Suppose you want to go from London to Edinburgh? There are many wrong ways to do this:

1. Take the M23 to Brighton, then drive into the sea.

2. Get on a Circle Line train and go round and round until you are thrown off.

3. Take a United Airlines flight to New York. If you can.

4. Sit in a dark cupboard moaning "Edinburgh doesn't exist."

Since there are 99999 wrong ways to get to Edinburgh, this PROVES that there is no right way. Anyone you see driving up the A1, taking a train at King's Cross, or taking a flight advertised as going to Edinburgh, is just a deluded fool who believes in sky fairies / invisible friends / whatever the latest insult is.

Of course this place doesn't really exist!

For once, Richard Dawkins doesn't seem to have joined the atheists' grayling and gnashing of teeth about Easter. These days his atheism seems to be less obsessive than his dislike of Brexit, Trump, Muslims etc. and advertising some ghastly tour of the States that he is making - perhaps he is having second thoughts in his old age?

Anyway, have a happy Easter, dear grumpy atheists. Remember, this is the choice that faces you:

Peter and John heading for the biggest event in history.

OR

The second-biggest event in history.

Pope Trek

Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Vatican. Its five-year mission: to explore strange new heresies, to develop new practices and new doctrines, to boldly teach what no man has taught before.

"Live long and prosper!" The Captain and Mr Tuglu demonstrate the traditional Vulgan greeting.

Jorge T. Kirk: Pope's log, stardate 2017.4. We have beamed on board two aliens suffering from acute Heresitis: there's a sick lunar man and an omnisexual Martian, James Martian, no less.

James Martian: Bleep, bleep, bleep! The Holy Spirit's a woman! Mary Magdalen wore a dalmatic! God can learn a lot from us! Can I use the ladies' rest room, please?

Mr Spockaro, science officer: Fascinating!

Dr McCoccopalmerio: This behaviour is perfectly normal for some alien species, Jorge.

Captain: Excellent, give the man a job in communications!

"Bleep, bleep, bleep!"

Captain: Pope's log, supplemental. Meanwhile, nobody on board knows where we're going, but my science officer, Mr Spockaro the Vulgar, has a theory.

Mr Spockaro: Jorge, I've reprogrammed the ship's computers to use the formula 2+2=5. It is the most logical solution.

Captain: So where are we?

Spockaro: Anywhere you'd like to be, Captain, provided that it's somewhere the Church hasn't been before.

Mr Spockaro is a master of the Vulgan Death Grip.

Mr Tuglu (urgently): Captain, Lieutenant U'Sarah has jumped ship. We think he may be heading for Cappa Magna to join the rebel Burkons.

Captain: Set course for Cappa Magna, Mr Tuglu. Warped Doctrine 8. Dr McCocco, any news on the health of Amoris Laetitia?

Dr McCoccopalmerio: She's dead, Jorge.

Captain: See if you can save some of her, "Boneheads". Her footnotes, at least.

Dr McCocco: Damnit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a faith healer!

Spockaro: Captain, we're approaching Cappa Magna. Witless worms on the starboard bow.

Captain: Mr Spockaro, I want you to beam down with me. We'll take with us three red-shirted security personnel who can be conveniently wiped out, since we're the ones essential to the plot.

The three expendable red-shirts. They never will be missed

Engineer Baldisseri (for it is he): Standing by, Captain, ta beam ye doon ta the planet!

Captain: Thanks, "Baldy", let's go! We'll shoot to kill, so set phasers on "Mercy".

Omnes: ♫ We're Pope Trekkin' across the universe,
Boldly going forward, still can't find reverse. ♫

(From Kevin Mayhew's Bad Hymns for the 22nd Century).

Spockaro and Tuglu join in the sing-song.

How will the Captain and Spockaro fare when they land on Cappa Magna? Will they succumb to an epidemic of Familiaris Consortio virus? Or will it simply wipe out the three expendable red-shirts? Why has "Baldy" filled the transporter room with stolen books? Have we heard the last of James Martian? Does General Sosa of the Jesuites still reject the Gospels, or has he found some tricorder readings dating from the 1st century? Finally, what role will be played by a three-foot gnome called Ivereigh?

Pope Francis thrown off aeroplane

Breaking my Lenten fast to report some hot news. E.

Catholic Airlines have apologised for dragging Pope Francis off their flight to Heaven, and suggesting he travel by Air Luther instead ("you'll feel much more at home there," said one member of staff).

Pope Francis leaves the plane.

According to reports, four cardinals led by Raymond Burke joined the flight at the last moment, and it was therefore necessary to remove four less "saved" passengers. The computer selected four people who were regarded as being of low priority: these included Fathers Spadaro, Rosica and Martin SJ, all of whom were described as part-time Catholics in the media profession. They agreed to leave peacefully on being offered a recompense of 30 PAG (30 pieces of silver, worth approximately $800). However, the fourth passenger selected, Pope Francis, refused to budge.

"I don't mind standing throughout the flight!"

It seems that Pope Francis had proposed to stand throughout the flight, entertaining the captive passengers with new revisions to the Catholic Magisterium, but this was against civil aviation regulations, and the offer was refused.

Late news: Air Luther's flight to Heaven has been diverted to another airport, Purgatory International, where passengers may be expected to wait for a few hundred years before going on to their final destination. The only light reading available will be a complete set of Vatican II documents.