Start with something friendly. Usually you insult them for twenty minutes without a break, and it doesn't go down well.
You are awful, but I like you! God commands us to love everyone, even time-serving wastrels such as yourselves, so I do love you. Honestly. Have a good Christmas, or Eid, or Hanukah, according to choice! Just don't overeat, you fat slobs.
"Remember Christendom no longer exists. Least of all in Rome."
Hmm, not bad, that seems to have won them over. How about some Process Theology now? I know it's heretical, but dress it up in scientific language.
Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Francis. Its ten-year mission, to initiate processes, to avoid occupying spaces, and to give birth to new historical dynamics. To boldly go where no Church has gone before.
After all, E=mc2; on the other hand time wastes our bodies and our wits but we waste time so we are quits. In the immortal words of Obi-Wan Kenobi, "May the Force be with you". Or as R2D2 put it, "Bleep, bleep, bleep!" And I think there is a message there for all of us.
A true prophet.
Brilliant. Now, a tribute to Cardinal "shaken but not stirred" Martini. After all, he was the arch-modernist whose St Gallen group got you the job.
Cardinal Martini, in his last interview, a few days before his death, said something that should make us think: "The Church is two thousand years behind the times, still following teachings from the first century. We need to change everything. Socialism, liberation theology, revolution. Give Baal a chance!" Makes you think, doesn't it?
Martini (or Baal).
Wind up with a grumble about rigidity. That always goes down well.
As many gymnasts will tell you, rigidity is a great temptation, which must be resisted. It leads to imbalance, and falling off the high bar. The same applies in Catholicism. Keeping the same religious opinions for years on end, just because they are traditional Christian teaching, leads to erecting fences on the terrain of common good, turning it into a minefield of incomprehension and hatred. That's how minefields are created - ask any engineer.
Wind up now, they're getting bored.
Well I would bless you with the sign of the cross, but I find that very rigid. So I'd just like to thank you for watching me and my little show here tonight. If you've enjoyed it, then it's all been worthwhile. So, until we meet again, good night, and I love you all!
"Live long and prosper!" The Captain and Mr Tuglu demonstrate the traditional Vulgan greeting.
Jorge T. Kirk: Pope's log, stardate 2017.4. We have beamed on board two aliens suffering from acute Heresitis: there's a sick lunar man and an omnisexual Martian, James Martian, no less.
James Martian: Bleep, bleep, bleep! The Holy Spirit's a woman! Mary Magdalen wore a dalmatic! God can learn a lot from us! Can I use the ladies' rest room, please?
Mr Spockaro, science officer: Fascinating!
Dr McCoccopalmerio: This behaviour is perfectly normal for some alien species, Jorge.
Captain: Excellent, give the man a job in communications!
"Bleep, bleep, bleep!"
Captain: Pope's log, supplemental. Meanwhile, nobody on board knows where we're going, but my science officer, Mr Spockaro the Vulgar, has a theory.
Mr Spockaro: Jorge, I've reprogrammed the ship's computers to use the formula 2+2=5. It is the most logical solution.
Captain: So where are we?
Spockaro: Anywhere you'd like to be, Captain, provided that it's somewhere the Church hasn't been before.
Mr Spockaro is a master of the Vulgan Death Grip.
Mr Tuglu (urgently): Captain, Lieutenant U'Sarah has jumped ship. We think he may be heading for Cappa Magna to join the rebel Burkons.
Captain: Set course for Cappa Magna, Mr Tuglu. Warped Doctrine 8. Dr McCocco, any news on the health of Amoris Laetitia?
Dr McCoccopalmerio: She's dead, Jorge.
Captain: See if you can save some of her, "Boneheads". Her footnotes, at least.
Dr McCocco: Damnit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a faith healer!
Spockaro: Captain, we're approaching Cappa Magna. Witless worms on the starboard bow.
Captain: Mr Spockaro, I want you to beam down with me. We'll take with us three red-shirted security personnel who can be conveniently wiped out, since we're the ones essential to the plot.
The three expendable red-shirts. They never will be missed
Engineer Baldisseri (for it is he): Standing by, Captain, ta beam ye doon ta the planet!
Captain: Thanks, "Baldy", let's go! We'll shoot to kill, so set phasers on "Mercy".
Omnes: ♫ We're Pope Trekkin' across the universe,
Boldly going forward, still can't find reverse. ♫
(From Kevin Mayhew's Bad Hymns for the 22nd Century).
Spockaro and Tuglu join in the sing-song.
How will the Captain and Spockaro fare when they land on Cappa Magna? Will they succumb to an epidemic of Familiaris Consortio virus? Or will it simply wipe out the three expendable red-shirts? Why has "Baldy" filled the transporter room with stolen books? Have we heard the last of James Martian? Does General Sosa of the Jesuites still reject the Gospels, or has he found some tricorder readings dating from the 1st century? Finally, what role will be played by a three-foot gnome called Ivereigh?
For those unfamiliar with the story, Pope Trek tells the adventures of Captain Francis, as he travels round the universe encountering strange new life-forms and boldly going where no man has gone before.
"Pope's log, Stardate 2016."
Captain Francis is ably assisted by his Press Officer, the Vulcan Greg Burke (replacing Federico Lombardi), whose job it is to find some Logic in the Captain's utterances. There is also an army of "red shirt" officers, whose main role is to stand in the firing line and soak up attacks.
A group of red shirts, waiting to be zapped.
Pope Trek has developed its own range of catch phrases, which its fans love to recite. "We're showing mercy - shoot to kill!" is one; "The Church of England's attacking - there are An-Klingons on the starboard bow" another; "Damnit, Captain, I'm a Jesuit, not a religious man!"; "The Synod's broken down - ye cannae change the laws of Catholicism!"; and so on.
In "The Rosica block", Captain Francis encounters a strange new life-form.
Pope Trek has been praised for its highly original plots, full of surprises, in which one never knows what the crew will get up to next. Says one of the actors in it, red-shirted Nichelle Nichols (Uhura), "My favourite episode was the one where all logic said that we should head east (Ad Orientem), but I kept insisting that this was too dangerous."
"Don't move, Captain, this phaser is the most dangerous weapon you've ever seen."
Jorge Bergoglio, the actor who plays Captain Francis, said today that he was pleased with the popularity of Pope Trek, and sometimes he felt that it was "almost real".
Bishop Capone.
Bishop Capone is clearly a saintly man, and he tells me he is planning something special for the feast of St Valentine next year. I also observed half-a-dozen priests entering his cathedral carrying violin-cases, so I assume that some brilliant musical event is being planned.
The clergy invite an old lady to a musical event.
All things considered, Bishop Capone looks like being a great asset to Catholicism in Chicago. And to think that, owing to a clerical error, they nearly appointed a seminary-closing, pro-life prayer-forbidding extreme-liberal bore called Bishop Blase Cupich instead!
Meanwhile, in England, Bishop Marcus Stock has been appointed as the new Bishop of Leeds.
Stock is said to be a close friend of Cardinal Vincent Nichols, and has even been described as Vin's stockpuppet.
Curiously, Damian Thompson of the Telegraph Spectator was once tipping Fr Alban McCoy of Cambridge to the
prestigious (and especially enlarged) seat once occupied by Arthur Roche. Clearly, this was a simple confusion
between Star Trek personages. As the picture shows, it is Spock who has Vin's ear.
Marcus Spock and Alban McCoy.
Uufortunately, Mgr Raymond Kirk of Chicago was excluded from consideration, owing to his extreme age.
The "new look" Songs of Praise.
Said a spokesman, "We have decided to make Songs of Praise more exciting for those who are not normally of a religious disposition; to do this we shall include scenes of violence in place of the bit where the presenter waffles on about how St Tharg's started up its Gay Grandmothers Support Group in 1662. Next week we shall re-enact the rape of Tamar by her brother Amnon, thus combining incest and rape in a tasteful and spiritually nourishing context."
The spokesman went on to point out that "Songs of Praise" is already regarded as a programme suitable only for those with strong stomachs. After all, it has been known to broadcast scenes of explicit "Walk in the Light", even before the 9 p.m. watershed.
Meanwhile, in other news, the BBC has announced the discovery in Arundel and Brighton of a large stock of previously-missing videotapes from its long-running series Bishop Who? It includes several adventures which some people thought had never even been made.
Bishop Who demonstrates Venusian ju-jitsu in The Rebels of Acta.
Many fans of Bishop Who will be glad to see The Rebels of Acta again. In this story Bishop Who confronts a bunch of renegade Catholics who have been attempting to change the course of history, and escapes from their clutches with some well-timed Venusian ju-jitsu.
There is also a sub-plot involving Bishop Who's conflict with a mysterious organization called Quest, which attempts to infiltrate the Empire of Arundel.
Fr Blake and his helpers greet the Argoids of Brighton.
Another recovered story is the The Argoids of Brighton, in which Bishop Who courageously defends Fr Blake from the venomous attacks of a poisonous creature. This story later led to a spin-off series, called Blake's Heaven.
A group of time-lords, in ceremonial robes, swearing loyalty to President Francis.
In another once-lost adventure, Magisterium, Bishop Who travels to the Time-Lord Planet of Roma, in order to protect the sacred laws of Humanae Vitae from barbarian invaders wishing to change the sacred teachings on morality.
It is rumoured that further lost stories remain to be discovered, including one, The Bishop's Letter, in which Bishop Who decides that people will take him more seriously if he writes a blog. This plot device is, of course, well-known from Star Trek.
Bishop Kirk dictates his own "Bishop's Blog".
If you find yourself buying this CD, seek help urgently.
Eccles: Gregory, it's good to have you with us, especially as your website says you are a respected spiritual leader, composer, singer and retreat director.
GN: I'm also part of the OCP family of composers and authors which, as we say on our website, includes many of the best-known, most beloved liturgical composers, contemporary songwriters, authors and event presenters in the Church today.
E: Ah yes, like the most beloved Paul Inwood, for example. Quite. Now this particular song of yours was nominated mostly for the chorus, so shall we have that in full?
Journeys ended, journeys begun: to go where we have never been, to be beyond our past, moments of lifting up, transcending death, rising in transparent light to the fullness of God's presence. Alleluia, Alleluia, Alleluia.
To (boldy) go where we have never been.
GN: Yes, this song was a great favourite with the crew of the Starship Enterprise, you know.
E: You don't see it much in the films or television series, but I gather that the Enterprise has its own choir of Benedictine Monks.
GN: Yes, they sing spiritually nourishing hymns such as mine, occasionally popping out to zap the odd alien with a Zuhlsdorf(TM) liturgical phaser.
Weston Priory welcomes Vulcans, Klingons and Romulans.
E: So, what else can we take from your hymn, Gregory? I was wondering about this "rising in transparent light" business.
GN: Oh, the idea is that, when our worldly time comes to an end, and the doctor says "He's dead, Jim!" we cry "Beam us up, God!" and off we go to Heaven.
E: Sounds great. Perhaps it really does work that way.
Beam us up, God!
GN: Still, that's just the chorus.
E: Well, the rest of the hymn seems to be just a copy-and-paste from the Gospels, so I don't think there's much to be added there. Gregory Norbet, thanks for joining us.
GN: So long, Eccles. Beam me up, Paul Inwood!
There is a strange ch-ch sound and Gregory Norbet disappears in a column of transparent light.
Moments of lifting up...
Previous entries for the Eccles Bad Hymn Award:
Lord of the Dance.
Shine, Jesus, shine.
Enemy of apathy.
Walk in the Light.
Kum Ba Yah.
Follow me.
God's
Spirit is in my heart.
Imagine.
Alleluia Ch-ch.
It ain't necessarily so.
I, the Lord of sea and sky.
Colours of day.
The red flag.
Go, the Mass is ended.
I watch the sunrise.
Bind us together, Lord.
Our god reigns.
My way.
Ding-Dong! The witch is dead.
If I were a butterfly.
De lady in de party was indeed Leiutenant Uhurra, she screemed when she saw my bruvver Bosco, but otherwise she didnt say much. De one wiv de big ears is called Sock. He took a long look at my darlin bruvver Bosco and said "Dat's life, Jim, but not as we know it! I don't fink dis creecher is saved."
De leeder chap was called Kerk, dat means churhc, so we cuold tell he was relligiuos. "We abhorrs vilence at all times," he said, "but den we doesn't want dis freek to turn into a Cathlic. I fink I'll soften him up wiv de phassar, just to be on de safe side."
He fired de phassar at Bosco's head, but de deadly rays just buonced off, sometimes it is useful to have a crannium as hard as concreet.
De remainin chap was called Bons, and he was a doctor. He was very interresed by dis skelleton dat was given us by de Calumny Chappel for us to pray to in de bedroom at nihgt, and he was sure dat it was saved.
Anyways, de Star Trekk crew decidded dat Bosco was not much of a threat to civillization (dey did say dat hundreds might die of boredom when dey heard him preechin, but dats reely not nice, it's only been a dozzen at most so far). So Kerk said "Beem us up, Spotty," and den dey all vannished.
My Anti Moly says dat Captin Kerk visitted her too when she was yuonger; dey even had a short rommance cos dat's what always happens in dem storries. Dis is a pitcher of dem bein affectionnate.
