This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Sunday, 30 July 2017

Eccles joins the Orange Order

So I dreamed that I was on the point of death, and the only person around to see me die was Father Wallace Thompson of the Evangelical Protestants.

Orange Order flag

The flag of William O'Range, a celebrated Irishman.

"Eccles, my boy," he said, "you are going fast, so what shall we put on your tombstone?"

"A simple 'Rest in Peace', Father," I groaned.

"DON'T CALL ME FATHER, YE PAPIST SCUM," he retorted. "Anyway, in the Orange Order we don't allow 'Rest in Peace', as that's a Catholic prayer for the dead. No, everyone is either SAVED or UNSAVED immediately. It looks as though your tombstone will bear the simple message 'ECCLES - UNSAVED' unless..."


"Unless ye can be instantly saved by your faith."

"So what's all this we had in the Gospel about a judgement at the end of time?"

"Ah, that Matthew chap wasn't a true Protestant, he made mistakes. No, when you die you either go instantly to Hell, where you have to read the worst of Catholic literature for an eternity - Crux articles by Austen Ivereigh, new blasphemy from James Martin, even the comic theories of Tina Beattie..., and you'll be wailing and grinding your teeth, OR...

Another blasted Ivereigh book

Now renamed "How to raise your voice without defending the faith".


"Or, as a member of the Orange Order you will be instantly saved, and can march up and down the Shankill Road in Heaven, playing the flute, wearing the sash and praising King Billy."

So I joined the Orange Order and died with a smile on my lips. But it was only a dream.


A rainy day in Heaven.


  1. Do I have to join the Orange Order, or can I just drink orange juice? I would dearly love to have salvation and a full days supply of vitamin C.

    1. Drink orange juice (freshly squeezed) and have an english muffin (jam optional).
      The new and improved "morning communion" feast.
      Imoroved nutrition whilst you save your soul.

  2. This honestly made me burst into laughter. Good stuff, Mr. Eccles, good stuff :)

  3. That proddie really let it rip.

  4. We don't need no steenkin Catholic superstitions.
    (p.s., be sure to wear your orange shirt to the parade, my mom says it's lucky.)

  5. Alas, it is a dream with most things.

  6. .....and if you don't have teeth to gnash - they will be provided (hat tip Dave Allen)