This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Thursday, 13 July 2017

Fake News about the Pope

Pope Francis has complained about the large amount of Fake News emanating from the Vatican, most of which portrays him as some sort of tyrannical dictator. For example, there was a report on the highly-regarded website Five Peter One, to the effect that, at the time when Pope Francis sacked (or at least refused to extend the appointment of) Cardinal Müller, he dressed up as an executioner and asked the cardinal five fundamental questions:

1. What is your name? Gerhard Müller.

2. What is your quest? To seek the Holy Grail.

3. What is the airspeed of a swallow? African or European?

4. Do you renounce evil? Yes. Er, that's still the right answer, isn't it?

5. Who is Prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith? Me?

WRONG!!! Ha ha ha ha ha!!! (Hideous laughter at which the usual suspects (Spadaro, Parolin, etc.) all joined in.

Spadaro with death ray


Of course this was easily identifiable as Fake News, designed to show the Pope in a bad light. But there has been far too much of this.

* His Most Eminent Highness Fra' Matthew Festing, Prince and Grand Master of the Sovereign Military Hospitaller Order of St. John of Jerusalem, of Rhodes and of Malta, Most Humble Guardian of the Poor of Jesus Christ, was getting a little tired with the responsibilities of his position (especially as he had to order a new cheque book three feet long in order to fit his signature on it). He wanted simply to retire to Northumberland and grow vegetable marrows. However, his resignation was portrayed (Fake News) as a constitutional crisis in the Order of Malta, with Pope Francis acting like a dictator of the worst kind.

Pope and Festing

"Parasitic Fungi? Yes, I'm suffering from those as well."

* There is no truth in the Fake News that four cardinals wrote to the Pope to ask him "What the Hell he was playing at." They certainly did not ask Pope Francis if there had been any changes in Catholic doctrine - and, after all, if they had wanted to know they would have asked his key Jesuit advisers such as Spadaro or James Martin. No, this "dubia" story is nonsense from beginning to end.

So from now on, we want to see no more Fake News about the Pope. Let's rely on impeccable sources such as Austen Ivereigh ("Pope Francis announces an end to war, famine, disease and death!"), Antonio Spadaro ("Donald Trump is the anti-Christ and traditionalist Americans such as Burke and Chaput are possessed by demons. Trust me, I'm a Jesuit"), or James Martin ("Everyone who disagrees with Satan is a HATER.") Got that?


Cardinal Müller discovers a suspicious package in his car. (Fake News!)


  1. To quote a famous 'politician' during the campaign of 2016: These men supposedly of the Church of Christ who LIE, STEAL, and promote SODOMY are truly the ones that are DEPLORABLE.

  2. "And another thing: I can't stand whingers: these losers whom I graciously allow to come in and steal a minute of my valuable online time so they can be compassionately sacked, and who then have the nerve to complain I've been unfair! I'm so fed up with them I've put a notice on my door: 'No Whingeing! No Smart-ar$es! If you want to fulfil your potential, or start talking about fusty old doctrine, just go and do it somewhere else! And not in front of the children, or Fr Spadaro.'

    Honestly, whinge-whinge-whinge non-stop, do they think my angelic patience is infinite? Which part of 'Hands up who else is the Pope round here?' is so difficult to grasp? Which bit of 'My-burly-young-Swiss-friend here has an enormous choppy-chop axe-blade at his and above all at My disposal' do they not get?
    It's as much as I can do to retain my well-known invariably cheerful sense of humour and my steel-dimpled expression of ecstatic happiness at living the perfect Christian life that they are so rubbish at themselves. If they can't copy my example properly, they might as well go somewhere they're wanted...such as Australia. Or Guam. Or they can go and bother George Bush - Dubya is clearly the go-to-guy for Dubia.
    As for all this obsession with abortion, or eucharistic sacrilege, that's just more whingeing. Stop it now, or I'll excommunicate the lot of you, and thchream and thcream until I'm thick! (I can, you know!)"

    And what's all this obsession with gays? Sodomy here, Sodomy there, Sodomy everywhere. I think it's nonsense...
    So do my mates.

    1. Really! The thcreaming is getting to me, and I tend to be VERY CALM! So sthtop it!!!!

  3. Bp of Rome wants you to think the sex drug orgy was fake news, so we have this new 5 Questions fake news, so you don't know what's the real fake news.