This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Tuesday, 26 March 2019

How to kiss the Pope's ring

Many distressed Catholics have written to me along the following lines:

I had an audience with the Pope last week, and I attempted to kiss his ring, to show my loyalty to the Magisterium, to the Church, and to the Seat of St Peter. However, Pope Francis snatched his hand away, muttering something like "He's not going to touch my Precioussss!" and forced me to kiss his other hand instead. What can I do?

Not kissing the ring

Missed the target area!

Well, the most charitable explanation is that the Pope is saying "Kissing the Pope's ring is an important ritual, but I don't want to make it too easy." Any claims that he really thinks "It's all about me!" would be most unfair (which is why we mention them).

We therefore recommend that you grab the Pope's right hand in yours, and drag it to your lips. (Perhaps saying "Pleased to meet you. Have you come far?" will distract him enough to make this possible.)

Remember, however, that Francis used to be a bouncer, and may attempt to throw you over his shoulder. Please do NOT take this as a challenge and throw the Pope over your own shoulder. Leaving the Pope sprawling on the ground is probably an excommunicable offence. Anyway, it's definitely the sort of thing that self-absorbed Promethean neo-Pelagians would do.

Another possible explanation is that Rome is full of pickpockets and other shifty characters, and the Pope is scared that the ring might be wrenched off his hand when he isn't looking. In that case the lucky thief might set himself up as Pope - and although he (or she) would probably do a better job, that is just not the accepted away of transferring papal power. Get yourself elected by a conclave, like the rest of us have to!

Pope with red nose

Kissing the Pope's red nose is also forbidden.


  1. Only those who read Archbishop "Tucho"
    Fernandez book, "The Art of Kissing," are permitted

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. oops...apologies Eccles...I thought this was just another Eccles invented silliness. Just saw on the news this was for real.Please delete my flippant comment made in jest.I must say I don't understand why Pope Francis is behaving like this..I think all the Cardinals should be made aware of all the protocols they are required to observe if one of them is elected as Pope.It should be explained that these are not optional and one should remove himself as a candidate if the protocols are not going to be observed. This includes the wearing of those lovely red shoes If red is not your colour...tough!

  4. I wondered too whether this was a phoney video made up but I see that the Vatican, in response to the criticisms, has replied that 'sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't.' In a way he has let down many who might have liked to have said that they had once had the opportunity of kissing the Fisherman's ring but who were denied it by the Pope himself.

  5. Maybe you're better off NOT kissing it. Who knows where that ring has been!!

  6. He embarrassed sincere Catholics, the ones he hates.
    It is growing impossible not to loathe this cruel man.