How to kiss the Pope's ring

Many distressed Catholics have written to me along the following lines:

I had an audience with the Pope last week, and I attempted to kiss his ring, to show my loyalty to the Magisterium, to the Church, and to the Seat of St Peter. However, Pope Francis snatched his hand away, muttering something like "He's not going to touch my Precioussss!" and forced me to kiss his other hand instead. What can I do?

Missed the target area!

Well, the most charitable explanation is that the Pope is saying "Kissing the Pope's ring is an important ritual, but I don't want to make it too easy." Any claims that he really thinks "It's all about me!" would be most unfair (which is why we mention them).

We therefore recommend that you grab the Pope's right hand in yours, and drag it to your lips. (Perhaps saying "Pleased to meet you. Have you come far?" will distract him enough to make this possible.)

Remember, however, that Francis used to be a bouncer, and may attempt to throw you over his shoulder. Please do NOT take this as a challenge and throw the Pope over your own shoulder. Leaving the Pope sprawling on the ground is probably an excommunicable offence. Anyway, it's definitely the sort of thing that self-absorbed Promethean neo-Pelagians would do.

Another possible explanation is that Rome is full of pickpockets and other shifty characters, and the Pope is scared that the ring might be wrenched off his hand when he isn't looking. In that case the lucky thief might set himself up as Pope - and although he (or she) would probably do a better job, that is just not the accepted away of transferring papal power. Get yourself elected by a conclave, like the rest of us have to!

Kissing the Pope's red nose is also forbidden.

Pope Francis issues pep pills to all clergy

Following his criticism of Catholic clergy for not working hard enough, Pope Francis will be issuing papal pep pills to all priests, deacons and bishops, so that they may be able to work a 23-hour day.

Habemus pep pill!

As his Holiness points out, clergy get a lot of "rest and relaxation" time each day, when they are either on their knees or sitting down listening to the choir (etc.), and they should not require more than this. "You don't catch me sleeping!" he said. "If I have some spare time I go out and get some selfies taken with the faithful. Even on aeroplane trips I don't sleep or listen to the in-flight movie, but stand up and preach, without notes, without any preparation, and often without thinking!"

A pope, hard at work.

"Unlike many priests and deacons, I am available 24/7," continued Pope Francis. "At 4 a.m. I telephone random Catholics and tell them that they are self-absorbed Promethean neo-pelagians. Curiously, they don't seem to be grateful for this information, and they often swear at me and disconnect the call. Which rather proves my point."

Too many churches put up signs like this.

However, not all clergy are as industrious as the pope. Said one Catholic bishop who wishes to remain nameless: "The Holy Father should try doing my job sometime. Even though I've moved all the feast days to Sunday, some people are expecting me to clock in on weekdays as well. And I've got a pile of letters of complaint about Tina Beattie that reaches to the ceiling. Even though I don't read them, let alone answer them, the effort of ignoring them is wearing me out!"

Cardinal Burke accused of being a liberal modernist

The story so far: Pope Francis has written a 58,000 word blockbuster, Amoris Laetitia, which is soon to be a Hollywood epic, starring Laetitia Casta. However, the reception has been very mixed...

Amorous Laetitia.

We should perhaps recall the standard pecking order for papal utterances:

1. Ex cathedra pronouncements on doctrine or morals, usually accompanied by the sound of trumpets.

2. Encyclicals, like Laudato si', which settled once and for all the question whether, every time you boil the kettle, a polar bear drowns in agony.

3. Apostolic exhortations, such as Amoris Laetitia. Of which more later.

4. Off-the-cuff comments on aeroplanes. Moreover, if the flights are with Easyjet or Ryanair, then passengers are expected to pay extra if they wish to be given some new papal teaching.

5. Interviews with Eugenio Scalfari, especially if his hearing aid wasn't working properly and he has lost his notes.

6. Tweets, such as:

@pontifex Come to communion. All welcome! LOL

Statements made when the pope is wearing a red nose are not Magisterial.

All this means that Pope Francis's Amoris Laetitia is of rather more weight than some random nonsense about women deacons from Fr James Martin SJ, but less magisterial than a doctrinal statement on Father Zuhlsdorf's blog.

Now, reactions to the exhortation vary, but, if you are not sure whether to throw a wobbly or not, then here is a useful flow chart to help you decide.

How you should react to Amoris Laetitia.

So where does this leave Cardinal Burke, once the hero of traddies everywhere, and persona not very grata with Pope Francis? Well, apparently he has refused to jump in with both feet and say "We're doomed! We're doomed! Pope Francis is the anti-Christ! We're going to be overwhelmed with people like Cristina Odone taking communion! Head for the hills! Where's my SSPX Welcome Pack?"

Instead, the great Raymond has said that the document is personal, that is, non-magisterial (a bit like this blog, come to think of it). The argument is that the Pope's exhortation is based on the 2015 session of the Synod of Bishops, which, as everyone knows, was a real chimpanzees' tea party.

Warning - this is what a nasty liberal modernist looks like.

Anyway, don't ask me what it's all about. I'm waiting for the film.

Annoying people to be banned

Theresa May, the Home Secretary, is proposing to introduce legislation to ban annoyance, with the implementation of orders known as IPNAs (Injunctions to Prevent Nuisance and Annoyance).

This sort of irritating nuisance will probably be banned from our streets.

Naturally, we give Mrs May our full support here, as we find many things irritating. Following W.S. Gilbert with his little list, including:

There’s the pestilential nuisances who write for autographs –
All people who have flabby hands and irritating laughs – 

we have even attempted to make our own list, which included:

There are atheists like Dawkins who is nothing but a clown
For his books contain the biggest heap of garbage written down -

Yes, yes, yes, we must keep them all off the streets!

Even Damian Thompson (seen here with Fr Jorge Bergoglio receiving a cake from Mrs Gladys Mills) can be very irritating.

The important thing from now on is that everyone must be happy, and nobody must be irritated. Are you angry because your train is late? Well, now you will be able to put the managing director of Late Western in prison!

This being a mostly-religious blog, we are naturally delighted that the law will now enable us to dispose of our enemies in a state-sanctioned way - for we must not expect religious groups to have any exemptions! What is your particular hatred? Latin Masses? Paul Inwood? Carol Singers? The National Secular Society? Ban them!

Irritated by a liturgical tango? Tell Theresa!

Then again, wearing red noses in public is an established Catholic tradition, dating back to the encyclical De Nasis Rubris of Pope Pius XII, but some people do find it irritating, and Mrs May's law will make it illegal if anyone objects.

No longer shall we be seeing red-nosed popes!

So, what's not to like? All the irritating people will be driven off our streets - cyclists, motorists, pedestrians - and all the irritating newspapers - Guardian, Daily Mail, Babes in Custard - will be banned from sale. Surely, the great Theresa is onto a winner here!

And don't even think of participating in any demonstrations!

The poetry of Rowan Williams

Many readers will know that Rowan Williams, the outgoing Archbishop of Canterbury, is also a talented poet. While helping to tidy up after the recent Anglican General Synod (washing the blood off the floor, etc.) we came across a document in his handwriting, which suggests that he was practising this skill during the Synod.

You are old, Father Williams.

"You are old, Father Williams," the young man said,
"And your church has become very wild.
They don't seem to notice that you're at the head -
And Giles Fraser just screams like a child."

"In my youth," the Archbishop said, watching them fight,
"I thought all my flock could agree;
But now I've a subject on which they'll unite - 
They're all feeling angry with me."

Que sera sera,
Whatever Welby, Welby...

No, that's been done...

My bishop's got a red, red, nose.

My bishop's got a red, red, nose,
From drinking too much port.
His wife could do the job as well - 
Now, there's a brilliant thought!

If...

If you can bind the Church of England tighter,
And get it to calm down, if not agree,
About just who's allowed to wear a mitre
And run a diocese - that is, a see...
If you can reconcile the Lib and Evo
With Anglo-Cath and rabid Atheist,
Then, when at last you're given the old heave-ho, 
And go to Cambridge, maybe you'll be missed.

There is nothing like a dame...

We got Durham, Ely, London,
We got Birmingham and York,
We got Winchester and Bradford,
(Now that's one who loves to talk!)
We got Liverpool and Norwich,
And a lot more calling names!
What ain't we got?
We ain't got dames!