This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Thursday, 7 November 2019

The toxic tradition of the Latin Mass

An edited version of a National Catholic Reporter piece by Zita Ballinger Fletcher.

One culture within the Catholic Church needing major reform is that surrounding the practice of the Latin Mass.


A typical devotee of the Latin Mass.

Even the name reeks of dishonesty. Some people call it in the Tridentine Mass, but I looked in my Big Girl's Atlas of the World and there is no country called Tridentia. No, the language is definitely Latin. As far as I can ascertain, nobody used Latin at Mass until 2007. If speaking American was good enough for Columbus, it's good enough for me!

I come from a strong Catholic family. We used to go to Mass regularly - sometimes as much as twice a year - and of course we didn't use Latin. EVERYONE understands American provided that you speak loudly enough, and that includes God! If He exists, of course... Still I decided to attend one of these Extraordinarily Formal Masses, to see what the fuss was about.

It should be obvious to everyone that Latin was the language spoken by Nero, i.e., the language of oppression. It's no coincidence that Latin Mass devotees like to pull the wings off butterflies.*


Indeed, it's fair to say that Latin Mass congregations are all basically fascist, racist, and LITERALLY HITLER. They weren't actually wearing swastikas when I attended, but you could see that they probably would when nobody was looking. I heard a rumour that Trump goes to Latin Masses in secret, so there you are.

And, phew! It is so sexist. The men don't wear skirts and mantillas, but many of the women do! In an attempt to fit in, I bought a special rainbow mantilla from James Martin Enterprises, but I got some funny looks when I wore it. Also, for some reason black is the preferred colour, not a jolly scarlet. Except for the men...

Cardinal Burke in full dress

I wanted to dress like this, but they advised me not to.

Now let me describe the service in detail. The priest didn't smile at me once, unlike my own priest Father Doris SJ (he's looking into the possibility of transitioning, and why not?). The Catholic fascist priest kept using a "liturgy" rather than providing the clowns and puppets that we expect in the modern Church. I clutched my Pachamama doll and sobbed.

Before I went to the Mass they told me that a rosary was a very popular accessory to carry. I thought they meant roses, so I brought in a huge bunch of chrysanthemums and waved it at the priest's back (he rudely refused to face me). It turns out they meant a dangerous-looking chain made of beads. I'll bet they use them for garrotting anyone who puts a foot wrong.


A rosary. Scary-looking, isn't it?

The people attending the Latin Mass kept referring to someone called Christ - unknown to me, although I am a good modern Catholic. They even had a prayer attributed to him, rather than some solid wisdom from the works of Pope Francis. My spiritual director told me later that Christ was an important figure in the pre-Vatican II Church, but his words were never recorded with a tape-recorder, so they could not be trusted.

Worst of all, the priest forgot to anounce the Hug of Peace in the Mass. I went up to him while he was gabbling away at the altar, nudged him, said, "You've forgotten the most important part of the service!" and gave him a cuddle. He said "Retro Satanas" which I think means "Hugs and kisses" and turned his back on me.

At this stage in the Mass, we usually have a liturgical dance. But everyone looked at me when I stood up and did the can-can while the priest was saying HOC EST something. Nobody joined in, although some did make face-palm gestures, so I suppose that may be the Tridentine equivalent.

Pope Benedict, face-palm

A typical reaction to my liturgical can-can.

And what's all this Gregorian chant stuff? You can't dance to it, at least not something lively. Get Gregory to write something new, I say, or else ask Marty Haugen and his mates to oblige!

I went up to receive the Lord's Din-dins, as we call it in my usual Church. The priest refused to put it into my handbag so I could take it away, and insisted on cramming it into my mouth! Also, I was expected to kneel at an altar rail, installed specially as a symbol of hate and oppression, as must be obvious to all of us.

Anyway, I think I've said enough for you to realise that I found the whole Latin Mass oppressive, sexist, racist, homophobic, Nazi, culturally imperialistic, alt-right, clericalist, rigid, and limited to narrow-minded rituals. STOP IT AT ONCE, I SAY!


  1. It's not funny Eccles. Its disrespectful.

    1. Is today your first day ever on the internet? How do you not recognize parody?? Learn not to be so obtuse.

    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. It is a parody on a genuine article recently written in the National Catholic Reporter by someone describing their experience at a Latin Mass. That writer even wrote that they were not allowed to wear red when attending - where they got that idea from I don't know. Eccles has exaggerated further showing how ridiculous the original article was.

  3. This is still much more respectful than the original text of which it is a parody of:(

  4. Hitler was an Austrian Catholic and must have attended Traditional Latin Masses as a boy. I rest my case.

  5. Eccles, this is an excellent, great, fantastic, superb, first-rate parody of Zita Ballinger Fletcher's judgmental, arrogant, ignorant, absent of any thought screed.

  6. This was written better then the original piece.

  7. Eccles, you would be much happier at our parish, where Sister Aurora Borealis (of the Order of the Rainbow Dawn) performs a much more tasteful liturgical ballet, although thanks to the over-enthusiastic efforts of Maggie Gallagher and her cleaning team and a superabundance of Pledge, she did once do the splits in the aisle. Fortunately she was wearing her nun's habit - a trouser suit in a nice floral pattern - so modesty was preserved, although given her weight problem, it didn't do the tiled floor much good; and it took half-a-dozen hefty parishioners to get her on her feet. But it did provide Fr Horatio Tosh with a theme for his sermon - 'No matter how many times we fall - etc.' As you can appreciate, all very traditional, and all in the best possible taste...

  8. This is hilarious. It is the funniest thing I’ve read in seven years since Antipope Francis the Apostate crawled out from under a Buenos Arian Rock.

    In fact it’s the only funny thing since then.

  9. A most excellent rebuttal. I cackled.

  10. Yes, to the liberals the TLM is toxic, it poisons liberal minds to re examine the true teachings of the Church, to look a new at liturgy, worship and our place in society. The TLM is toxic to the left because in it's pure air they smell thier defeat

  11. Don't worry bruvver, there's always a handy back-up pagan idol to fall back on if some pesky youth decide to chuck your first ones into the river ...

  12. Stupidity spews forth in every thought from your twisted mind. This is the gateway to heaven, enter through the narrow gate. Most liberal Catholics are like Pontius Pilate when he asked our Lord, "what is truth?"

  13. Yes I know it's parody. But it has gone too far in parts. It is disrespectful. We should not use holy things for our amusement.

  14. Ok ok. I read the article by ZBF. Very nasty piece of work. She is too young to experience the sacred nature of Holy Mass before it was turned into community protestant love feast.
    Ah well we must suffer such hollow liturgy until we get a new Pope similar the Bishop Athanasius Schneider. Then we can get back on course, return to apostolic traditions. Renew the Church so that it will attract all men, Jews ,Muslims etc . all men to it.

  15. LOL! "....and gave him a cuddle". As an ex-pat living in Canada since 1981 THAT bought a guffaw and a huge snort of my morning cuppa out of my nostrils. 'Eye Of The Tiber' move over, theres a new badass in town.