This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Wednesday, 14 October 2015

The Pope gets a letter

So, this is instalment three of my bulletins from the synod in Rome. Yesterday, I was invited to tea with Pope Francis, which of course means that I am now the envy of less authoritative commentators such as John Allen Jr, Robert Mickens, Michael Voris, etc., who only got the "consolation prize" of buns with Fr "blocker" Rosica.

Rosica at Vatican

Hello! Fr Rosica welcomes us to his humble home.

"So, how's the synod going, your holiness?" I asked, as I took an Eccles cake to eat.

"Really well, thank you, Eccles," replied the pontiff. "It's good to see so many cardinals and bishops having a good time, debating whether we should carry on with the old Christian stuff, or whether some entirely new approach would be best. So far we've only had two stabbings and a case of poisoning - pretty good, don't you think?"

"Yes, it's all been very amicable," I replied. "I've not seen so many truly holy people collected together in one place since the old days of the Daily Telegraph blogs."

"Still, let me show you something," said Pope Francis, enthusiastically, picking up a letter from the table. I could see that it was a messy, scribbled affair, slightly torn, and with several crossings-out.

Cardinal 23

"Good moaning!"

At that moment the door burst open and Cardinal Vingt-et-Un of Paris burst in. "Where ees zee letter?" he demanded. "Give me ze letter!" He snatched the letter from the Pope's hand, saying, "I did not mean to sign zees, mon vieux," and promptly crossed out his signature. "Rien ne va plus," he continued enigmatically, and rushed out.

I could see that the letter began something like: "To the Pope. Dear Sir or Madam, we think Kasper's a nutter, Danneels a creep, and Baldisseri a fraud. What are you going to do about it?" I was not able to read more when Cardinal Pell burst in, pulling along Cardinal Dolan by his ear to cries of "Ow! Leggo! Yarooh! Beast!"

"Sign the letter, cobber!" shouted Pell, "or I'll pull your ears off and make you eat them." Dolan hastily added his name to the letter, and the two of them left, Pell giving Dolan a parting kick up his ample backside.

Dolan with arms raised

"I surrender!"

The Pope shrugged his shoulders, and watched as other cardinals burst in. Napier added a few lines to the letter, Scola crossed them out again, and Nichols asked "Er, did I sign it or not? I can't remember."

"This letter's something of a 'working document', isn't it, your holiness?" I asked. "Won't it be even harder to get the cardinals to agree on the final report of the synod?"

"Oh, no problem with that," said Pope Francis. "Baldisseri wrote that several months ago. You'll see - everyone will be happy..."

Vin with headphones

Vincent Nichols switches off and listens to some music instead.


  1. I missed the poisoning incident. Was that the result of when people had tea in the pope's apartment after day one?

    Why is the pope spending an enormous amount of the Church's money on this synod when he said he will not pay any attention to what the Synod Fathers say anyway and state his own opinion as the final result? He simply could have written an encyclical and be done with it. Or is the object perhaps for him to be the center of attention?

    Eccles is the only place to get truthful synod news!! We know this because no one else has reported the stabbings and poisoning.

  2. Tea with His Holiness, eh ?

    Does that make you "Papabile" ?

    And, if so, what name have you decided on ? Presumably, Pope Eccles will not be allowed (I could be wrong).

  3. 'Cardinal Vingt-et-un ... rien de va plus' - brilliant!

  4. His name will be Eccles the Roman.

  5. No...that is not correct. His name will be ECCLES THE ROMAN because according to St Malachi he will be the last pope after Benedict XVI, not counting Francis of course.

  6. Tea?
    Feh, I can top that - I'm going to Disney World with a couple of cardinals and a nice couple of young men I met at the CDF.
    I guess you could say I'm "accompanying" them.
    (Save the Liturgy, Save the World)

  7. Never mind the machinations at the Synod, I'm guessing Cardinal Vincent of the, er. Rainbow Coalition is going to make an imminent bid to become Archbishop of Canterbury. Why else would he be listening to a recently discovered recording of 'The Ten Best Sermons of Thomas Cranmer'?

  8. I thought Paris was on Cardinal Vingt Neuf by now such is the parlous state of new church there.

  9. Eccles the Roman will make us happy Catholics because his encyclicals will be funny.

  10. Re: Fr "Blocker" Rosica - This is merely my personal opinion....but the reason that Blocker feels the need to block people, blogs, events, etc., is that he must have a subliminal connect to rosacea (which is nearly like his last name hence the subliminal connection). When a person has rosacea they must wear sunblock to BLOCK THE LIGHT from their skin or else they get a red rash that everyone can see. So Fr Blocker Rosica has a subliminal impulse to BLOCK TRUTH AND LIGHT from his surroundings to keep it (the Light of Truth) from erupting anywhere near him in case anyone might understand it (Truth of Christ). He needs to see a Psychiatric Dermatologist.

  11. A Psychiatric Dermatologist would only tell him that he was uncomfortable in his own skin. He might be better off booking an urgent appointment with a Psychotic Dendrologist who'd say it as he sees it and inform him that he's out of his tree.

  12. The best letter we could give this Jorge character is Omega - the sooner, the better.

  13. How about I write him a letter? I can do that if you'd like. I could tell him all about the Prophecies of St Malachi and tell him that he's, but that Eccles is.

  14. That's Official, then.

    Eccles is Grade-1 Listed.

    Just like Saint Pancras Railway Station.

  15. I got here Saturday afternoon, in need of a non-spirituous pick-me-up after reading the morning's papal and Schönbornian addresses. Thank you! But am now opening up the bottle anyway.

  16. I cannot imagine Cranmer, unlike some who style themselves Catholics, believing in lady clerics or same sex marriage.